DD hates swimming lessons with school..

[canthurryup]

Daughter is 9 years old and recently started swimming with school. She hates it. It has got to the point now where she cries the night before begging me not to let her go, she is sick waking in the nigh. I have discussed with teacher who have said it's part of the curriculum so she has to do it.
She has it fhis morning and has been waking throughout the night and being sick this morning. WIbU to keep her off school because school are not interested in helping.

I would just write excusing her every time. It's not worth forcing her to do it, it isn't necessary as she has lessons outside school, which will be much better and more comprehensive than being yelled at by a tracksuit wanker bully from the poolside. She won't be the only one sitting it out.

It's a life skill. Why "this day and age" should make it less critical is mystifying

Bless her. I had swimming problems with my son. Whilst we are both pretty dark, DH is particularly hirsute and from quite a young age DS had quite thick dark hair on his forearms and legs, which he got teased for when the other kids noticed it. He’s 19 now and still refuses to wear shorts or T-shirts.

tracksuit wanker bully

Sometimes I wonder if mumsnetters are able to function at all in the real world.

You sound more like a schoolchild than the mother of one, God love you and your kid's teachers

Isabelle next week if you have ear ache don't come in school because you will have to go swimming with ear ache"

whatever the problem, this sort of comment in front of her peers has to stop. It’s the sort of humiliation that I used to get when I was at school in the mid-60s and it’s unacceptable.

Thankfully your DD can swim (humiliation and being poked away from the side of the pool with a long stick has given me a lifelong phobia and I’ve never been able to get over that and learn to swim’).

Can DD usually talk to you about what’s upsetting her ? You really need to find out what the actual problems are with the school lessons. If it’s just a general ‘I hate it ‘ you can’t really begin to help her. If you can encourage her to isolate the things that are distressing her then you can see what might help. If she can’t articulate it how about writing a check list for her to tick ie
Feel embarrassed getting changed in front of others
Others making comments about my body
Find it hard to put my swimming cap on /can’t put it on quickly enough
instructor shouting at me /criticising me in front of others
Someome bullying me on journey to pool and back or at the pool

Then a last question ‘is there something that’s not in the list that’s upsetting you and a space to write what that is.

it’s just an idea but it might help her to tell you what’s going on.
I really feel for you both,

School is being a bit thick if you ask me. If this is going to start affecting her attendance they need to take a more flexible approach.

I would say to them this is creating a barrier to attendance, learning and forcing her will be detrimental to her mental health, which is a safeguarding issue. Therefore she will not be attending those lessons until they can adjust to make it tolerable for her or she can go and help in reception/library (which is what my own daughter - now 16 late diagnosed ASC/ADHD -did). Even for those who are squarely NT swimming lessons and changing for them can be an absolute sensory hell and stress fest.

Swimming is part of the curriculum - in that it is compulsory for schools to teach it. School are not failing if she doesn't take part. They simply need to find somewhere else for her to be. That 20 other kids will also want to get out of the lesson is not your problem.

Please don't force her to go, and talk to her to find out what is upsetting her. I would hope that in the half century since I was her age, teachers would have learned some bloody empathy and not resorted to humiliating a child in front of the class, but it seems not. I had the same problems as your daughter. The swimming teacher was aggressive and completely unsympathetic. In my case, I was terrified that I couldn't touch the bottom of the pool and keep my footing. It put me off swimming for life.

This! I hated swimming when I was younger - I wasn’t very good, felt a lot of pressure (sibling was a great swimmer), felt very uncomfortable changing in the communal swim area. I wish schools didn’t treat children like soldiers.

For the OP, I was like this as a kid. My school wasn’t massively forceful (I’d ‘forget’ my kit or ask my parents to tell the teachers I didn’t feel well), but it was awful and to this day has made me very fearful of swimming. You could try practicing changing in/out of a swim costume using a towel to keep covered up, and maybe do more swim lessons (with friends?).

OP this was me as a child, I hated swimming at school. I got cold and then spent the rest of the day with wet hair feeling miserable. For what it’s worth I swim 3/4 times a week now and love it, but I can control the aspect I dislike (dry my hair, layers and a hot drink). I would be asking the schools help for getting to the bottom of why she hates it and then hopefully some simple mitigations could be put in place.

@Iwantabloodypizza I am surprised your school didn't allow swimming costumes with longer arms/legs. One of my daughters friends wore one because she is Muslim and wanted to be more modest. One of the boys also wore a surf suit/wet suit type thing because he had a medical issue that made him feel colder than usual.
Honestly schools like to make petty rules that can make a small issue into a massive issue 😕

Tell the school she will not be doing swimming.

when I was 11 I had awful issues . I have ASD and I was petrified of PE and music lessons as they involved looking crap at sport and feeling embarrassed/ being made fun of or having to sing / perform in front of others. I’d fake being ill I’d hide anything- teachers kept telling me I had no choice etc etc and I was missing so much school.

One day my class teacher sat me down and said ‘PE and music are 3 lessons a week. Come and sit in the quiet area each time and I’ll make you a fruit tea and then you don’t have to worry and you won’t miss days and days just the lessons you are anxious about’
I felt fine literally overnight - someone listened finally and it helped me so much.

My ds due to anxiety and health issues had swimming refusal and the school told us it was compulsory . They were adamant we had to have appts and calls and they kept saying he had no choice I told them fine he will be off those days the whole day or you can let him sit in another class and he only misses one lesson - they relented.

We need to be our dc voice sometimes and it’s wrong to teach them they always have to do something that upsets them so much

I have the same problem with my 9 year old DD, last year the pool had all the doors of the changing rooms taken off because of covid regulations and she was so uncomfortable changing in front of the other kids, this year shes not as bad but she still dislikes it, I would pull her out of them if shes that distressed over it it's just not worth it for a couple of lessons where they learn basically nothing anyway, shes your child at the end of the day regardless of what the teachers say

@canthurryup apologies if it has already been suggested as haven’t read the full thread.

I believe primary age children have to be able to swim 25m unaided and schools need to test for this. Our dc school only took kids who couldn’t swim under 25m and sent a slip home asking if your child could do this. They then only took the kids who couldn’t swim I presume to save money.

Can your daughter do 25m unaided? I would question this with the school if she can

Goes against my normal inclination but if she can swim already and hates it so much I might help her out with excuse notes.

I'd say that the schools attitude is horrible. They shouldn't be "shaming" a child for not participating - they should be helping, encouraging, nurturing and working with you. And yes I know teachers are paid poorly and have a heavy workload but it falls within the scope of the job.

If your DD can already swim, has she reached the relevant 'milestones' that school require? If you can evidence this, I can't see what anyone is going to gain from forcing her to attend.

My DC is at senior school and they have swimming a few times a term. During one lesson recently, a child was upset (Year 7) and the teacher took them to one side to find out what the issue was, allowing them to sit out for a while until they felt more composed. In this instance, the upset wasn't related to swimming but something that had happened earlier but at no point was the child embarrassed in front of their peers or made to feel intimidated or pressured.

As a child I hated swimming. I only got in the water because the swimming teacher threatened to throw us in if we didn't get in. No encouragement and lots of shaming about (lack of) ability. I now have a phobia of getting into swimming pools and absolutely detest anything to do with being in or on water.

I feel for your DD. I loved swimming as a child (still do) & swam at least twice a week, proper lessons up to lifesaver etc - but I absolutely hated going with school and would do anything to avoid it - for one simple reason. Two bullies would wait until I'd changed, then hide my clothes or throw them into the pools of water that always gathered on the floor. If I got to my basket before them, they would do anything to get it from me.

Your DD's issue with getting changed, and only in school lessons, makes me wonder if something similar is going on? It took me ages to tell my parents, and the school was less than helpful (it was the 1970s!) and I still had to go. I think eventually my parents spoke to someone in the pool as my stuff went into the office and I had one of the cubicles to change in, but that first term of it was utter hell.

Hopefully you can sort something out for her. Good luck.

My 3 daughters didn't particularly like school swimming lessons and it was mandatory that ds carried on one lesson a week for half of each term until the end of year 11. It did get better eventually when they did personal survival and life saving and water polo. When dd3 went with school the headmistress' ds was in her class and couldn't swim. He created a fuss each week throwing things at the instructor, screaming etc and none of the class learned anything. I must admit I never let my kids get out of anything. I'd have an indepth conversation with your dd to see what needs to change to make the swimming lesson bearable for her. Best of luck!

It doesn’t harm children to recognise that sometimes there are things in life that they don’t enjoy doing, but that unfortunately they have to do. I hated swimming with the school and I found the whole changing thing really stressful, but I had to get on with it. Not everything in life can be avoided with a sick note. Set children up to face things, not hide from them.

Youve never had a child with severe anxiety then?

Yes I was one. I was under various professionals for it and, at times, medicated.
Im now a successful and confident business owner which I largely put down to the fact I was pushed to face my issues, not hide from them.

Yes I was one. I was under various professionals for it and, at times, medicated.

Im now a successful and confident business owner which I largely put down to the fact I was pushed to face my issues, not hide from them.

I am a great believer in facing our fears but this isn’t a fear or dislike of swimming. It sounds like something to do with other aspects of the whole thing is causing distress that could hopefully be sorted out. It could be bullying, unpleasant comments while changing, embarrassment while changing, teacher humiliating OPs DS. These aren’t issues that need facing imo but issues that needs sorting out.

If at 9 years old she cannot articulate a valid reason why she does not want to do an activity to her own mother, then i think you need to assume there isnt one and she is attention seeking or being manipulative.Her teacher, who knows her better than any of us seems to have reached that conclusion too.
The mother is being a soft touch.This is what i was talking about on another thread, that so many parents cannot put in place hard boundaries .
However if she hs vomitted last night as you say she should be missing school anyhow.

Many adults can't articulate causes for their anxiety let alone a 9yr old.

It is making her ill, whether it is on the curriculum or not is irrelevant it is a waste of time when she can swim.

I totally support the op and in light of the fact the teachers have been utterly crap and have seemed to enjoy humiliating her dd further I'd just keep her off swimming every week.

Surely if you as a parent refuse permission that's it I would expressly refuse consent in these circumstances I was made to go to school lessons the PE teacher damn near drowned me I have a phobia now I'm 58 and never go near swimming I'm perfectly happy and well adjusted - apart from this phobia !