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Original poster

DD hates swimming lessons with school..

209 replies

canthurryup · 08/02/2023 06:49

Daughter is 9 years old and recently started swimming with school. She hates it. It has got to the point now where she cries the night before begging me not to let her go, she is sick waking in the nigh. I have discussed with teacher who have said it's part of the curriculum so she has to do it.
She has it fhis morning and has been waking throughout the night and being sick this morning. WIbU to keep her off school because school are not interested in helping.

OP posts:
prescribingmum · 08/02/2023 09:08

You only need to look at exercise threads to discover how many women have been put off fitness entirely due to poor PE lessons at school where they were forced to do things they hated.

Swimming is on the national curriculum for all the right reasons but in majority of cases, it is too little too late. For a child like OPs who has been doing private lessons and is able to swim, there really isn’t much to gain from these lessons. The schools inflexible attitude (not acknowledging she struggles with changing alongside others and not allowing the parent) will just put her off swimming for good. This seems to be something she is otherwise enjoying and good at.

Personally, I would just say she has a skin rash/infection etc and cannot swim and not force her. If they make a fuss, I wouldn’t send her into school at all.

Last thing you want to do is put her off a sport she is currently enjoying as that will stay with her for a long time

BumpyaDaisyevna · 08/02/2023 09:09

Unless there is something eg SEN then you need to support the teacher and kindly insist. If you get into a conflict with the teacher, and let her avoid her fears all the time, she will end up a more anxious child who does not feel like she has a strength to face difficult feelings.

Help her with this by (1) gently but firmly insisting and (2) at the same time supporting.

Tell her (1) she is not alone, lots of children really hate school swimming too. Lots of other kids will be dreading school swimming today, just like her.

(2) Tell her that it is fine not to like it, and that you can understand why she doesn't.

(3) but that in life we do have to do things we don't like sometimes and you would not be a good mum if you let her not do it.

(4) and that she will be OK if she does something she doesn't like for an hour or so - it will come to and end and life will go on as before. I think some children have really low tolerance and anxiety for doing things which are dissonant with their preferences. It can be helpful to really talk through with her that although it feels horrible, nothing bad will happen if you do something you don't like. You just don't like it, you put up with it while it is going on, and then you feel pleased after that you did it.

(5) that if she can face this challenge and join in with all the other kids, in the end she will be glad she did and pleased. But that things that are worth doing often feel very difficult at first.

Speaking from experience, the real challenge I think when you have got a very anxious child - who puts all their anxiety into you and makes you feel awful - is to not become punitive and say dismissive stuff "well you've got to suck it up" or "well that's life". She does need to do it, but she needs support. I remember with my son who didn't want to do x-country or various other things having to really work at this as the temptation can be just to snap.

Good luck.

Killingmytime · 08/02/2023 09:10

I hated swimming with the school.
I was picked on, school would not allow me to swim with friends even though I were a good swimmer ( I just looked awkward) so it got to the point I detested it.

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9 year olds Families
ImAvingOops · 08/02/2023 09:17

My dd had swimming lessons with school where the teacher forced her head under water, in complete contrast to the private swimming lessons she was also having. This caused a great deal of stress for my child. I pulled her out of those lessons - thankfully my dd had a lovely and supportive head teacher. The main thing is that your child is learning how to swim. Her teacher sounds like a total cunt though snd you should really challenge this public shaming - too many teachers behave like bullying kids themselves and you have to support her in putting a stop to that. I think an appointment with the head is in order.

Wheelz46 · 08/02/2023 09:28

I had this with my son, absolutely broke down when it came to swimming with school. He does have social anxiety and coupled with selective mutism was unable to articulate to school teachers his worries.

The swim teachers were just horrible, screeching at the kids from the side with no compassion. This annoyed me no end as I was paying for private lessons for him where he was flourishing and his confidence growing, the school lessons set him back immensely and he became afraid of the lessons I was actually paying for.

His private swim teacher was amazing, she wrote a report on how these school lessons were affecting his lessons outside of school. Initially, the response I got back was part of the curriculum and all the children have a right to be taught to swim. Well that just angered me more, I took him to the Doctors as it was causing him so much anxiety and coupled with the fact that children have a right to learn how to swim they were the ones hindering his right to learn to swim.

We got the outcome, he deserved but we did have to put up a solid case.

gogohmm · 08/02/2023 09:40

I would try and find an acceptable way to alleviate some of the issues, towel that goes over your head to change under is my first thought, I suspect she's becoming body conscious (cheaply available on Amazon, mine was £10)

Azulocean · 08/02/2023 09:45

It it’s as bad as you say with her working herself up a few days prior, then I’d take her out of swimming. She does private lessons so that sorts the curriculum. However the inflexibility maybe because they have no one else to watch her while the others are swimming and may cause others to drop out to see her sat at the side of the pool. Could you collect her early/drop off to avoid the swimming time?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/02/2023 09:45

I was this child. I was terrified of water. No amount of exposure or being forced in changed it.

If she has had general anxiety in the past, then it’s a disability and the school need to make adjustments. I’d just keep her off on those mornings. If she’s being sick with anxiety, then she’s ill. Anxiety is an illness. And the school are perpetrating it.

IndysMamaRex · 08/02/2023 09:47

I think it’s really important you find out exactly why she doesn’t like swimming. Sit down & maybe start describing the lesson etc all the way from getting changed. As you do get her to describe how she feels e.g. more anxious, less anxious. It might help to narrow down what part of it is the real reason. Then discuss it from there. Could be anything from feeling uncomfortable in the changing facilities to feeling uncomfortable with the teacher. But it’s hard to know the right action without being able to understand her thought process etc.

But the reality is sometimes in life we have to do things we don’t really enjoy & just get on & get through. I think it’s really important we teach children this to build a resilient adult. I don’t think she should be missing education because she just doesn’t like something. It’s an hour or so in the day then it’s over.

I would definitely have a conversation with the school about the “shaming” as that’s not helpful to the situation & not great behaviour on teachers part. They should be working with you & supporting you & your child

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 09:55

WIbU to keep her off school because school are not interested in helping
Yes, you are, on both counts. She can't miss school because she doesn't like one of the lessons and it's unclear what you expect school to do to help.

Cliff1975 · 08/02/2023 09:55

Can she swim 25m unaided? If she can she has met the key stage 2 expectation and in many schools they only take children who can't do this. Write a letter stating that she has met expectations and you do not give permission for her to be taken offsite to swim.

Zodfa · 08/02/2023 09:55

Swimming lessons effectively force children to parade around in front of each other in the equivalent of underwear regardless of whether they consent to it or not. In any other context this sort of thing would be considered sexual abuse, wouldn't it?

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 09:57

Zodfa · 08/02/2023 09:55

Swimming lessons effectively force children to parade around in front of each other in the equivalent of underwear regardless of whether they consent to it or not. In any other context this sort of thing would be considered sexual abuse, wouldn't it?

Oh, for the love of Christ 🙄🙄🙄

Mariposista · 08/02/2023 09:59

BumpyaDaisyevna · 08/02/2023 09:09

Unless there is something eg SEN then you need to support the teacher and kindly insist. If you get into a conflict with the teacher, and let her avoid her fears all the time, she will end up a more anxious child who does not feel like she has a strength to face difficult feelings.

Help her with this by (1) gently but firmly insisting and (2) at the same time supporting.

Tell her (1) she is not alone, lots of children really hate school swimming too. Lots of other kids will be dreading school swimming today, just like her.

(2) Tell her that it is fine not to like it, and that you can understand why she doesn't.

(3) but that in life we do have to do things we don't like sometimes and you would not be a good mum if you let her not do it.

(4) and that she will be OK if she does something she doesn't like for an hour or so - it will come to and end and life will go on as before. I think some children have really low tolerance and anxiety for doing things which are dissonant with their preferences. It can be helpful to really talk through with her that although it feels horrible, nothing bad will happen if you do something you don't like. You just don't like it, you put up with it while it is going on, and then you feel pleased after that you did it.

(5) that if she can face this challenge and join in with all the other kids, in the end she will be glad she did and pleased. But that things that are worth doing often feel very difficult at first.

Speaking from experience, the real challenge I think when you have got a very anxious child - who puts all their anxiety into you and makes you feel awful - is to not become punitive and say dismissive stuff "well you've got to suck it up" or "well that's life". She does need to do it, but she needs support. I remember with my son who didn't want to do x-country or various other things having to really work at this as the temptation can be just to snap.

Good luck.

Finally somebody who is talking sense! You can be sympathetic to your daughter's anxiety but not pander to her.
First and foremost, she needs to tell you exactly what it is making her feel this way. Simply saying 'I don't want to/don't like it' isn't good enough. You can then liase with the teacher and see what can be done. But a 9 year old cannot be allowed to rule the roost.

Sunshine275 · 08/02/2023 10:04

I would be taking it further to governors/head teacher. Her mental health is more important right now, it’s crating anxiety and the last thing you want is got her to develop long term fears of going swimming. Don’t send her.

Killingmytime · 08/02/2023 10:06

Mariposista · 08/02/2023 09:59

Finally somebody who is talking sense! You can be sympathetic to your daughter's anxiety but not pander to her.
First and foremost, she needs to tell you exactly what it is making her feel this way. Simply saying 'I don't want to/don't like it' isn't good enough. You can then liase with the teacher and see what can be done. But a 9 year old cannot be allowed to rule the roost.

Show quote history

I agree in some ways, I however now hate swimming.
even though I had always loved swimming, had lessons, went with family, after being forced to do at school I stopped going swimming.
I’m no longer a very good swimmer.
I still remember the anxiety of having my head shoved under the water, if being told that I was not good enough to move up, being forced to stand in line etc

GettingStuffed · 08/02/2023 10:07

Can you reward her when she does swimming, something that she really loves

Merlo · 08/02/2023 10:11

So sorry you and your DD are going through this. Sounds very similar to my 9 year old DD. We’ve found wearing a leg suit, rather than a swimming costume, putting it on half way in the morning (so she can easily go to the toilet during the school day if needed) and getting her one of those dry robe changing towels helped. She’s a club swimmer and usually absolutely loves swimming, but something about the changing and school lessons really upset her and made her not want to go. The school should be helping her and you through this though, obviously she does need to attend the lessons, but there should be support for you both to help her over her anxieties.

Wheelz46 · 08/02/2023 10:12

@Killingmytime this is why I pushed for my son to have school swimming lessons stopped for him. He was thriving in his private lessons and loved going then the 'free' lessons were hindering and setting him back in his 'paid' for lessons and no longer wanted to even step foot in the pool.

Certainly in my child's circumstances, the best thing we did for him was to get the free lessons stopped and he is back to loving his private lessons.

Iwantabloodypizza · 08/02/2023 10:13

This was me as a child, so I feel for her.

I refused. I was literally dragged onto the coach. But I refused to get changed. I was threatened with everything under the sun. I had all my toys taken away at home. They also tried bribery. I didn’t care. I’d always refused to go in when my parents tried taking me when I was small, my dad said I got in such a state that I’d be sick.

I just wasn’t getting in that water for anything. The teacher stood me in front of the class and made an example of me which was nice, seeing as I suffered bullying anyway. It still didn’t work.

I have never been near a pool and I am 43 now.

It was just disgusting to me to get in water with other. people and bits of their skin and hair and their dirt. Still is. I don’t care what chemicals go in. To me, it’s always been awful.

I’m sorry your dd is going through this. For all the “they just have to do it”, there is a child getting distressed.

Tirednest · 08/02/2023 10:14

nicknamehelp · 08/02/2023 07:12

My dc hated swimming with school. And ds would do anything to get out of it. Most of issue was it was a lot of being hurried along for what seemed like 10 mins in the pool then feeling cold all day, especially if swimming at this time of year dd hated her hair being wet all day as no time to blow dry. Other issue was not wearing swimwear they wanted boys was speedos and girls very dull black suit.

I wouldn't be best pleased if my dd fussed about having to wear a plain swimsuit and having wet hair.

SparkyBlue · 08/02/2023 10:15

My DD is starting her block of lessons next week. She loves the trip on the bus to the pool but hates the lessons as she says the instructors are awful. She is an otherwise happy easygoing child so I 100% believe her. Can you chat to her again OP and maybe do a trip to the swimming pool yourselves over the week to try and ease her into it

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 10:16

Other issue was not wearing swimwear they wanted boys was speedos and girls very dull black suit
I hope you didn't indulge this (non) issue?? Honestly!

Iwantabloodypizza · 08/02/2023 10:16

luckily my children aren’t like me. Dh takes them and they only had the one term at school of it, in which they learned jack shit anyway.

For three of dds school lessons last year, she didn’t actually get in the water as the whole class were made to sit at the side until a few of them stopped misbehaving and trying to do dangerous things so they ran out of time.

Lovelycuppaooh · 08/02/2023 10:18

Don't make her do it OP. I was like your daughter when I was young , school swimming gave me major anxiety. My mom used to write me a note . Teachers didn't like it but I honestly didn't care. I'm now a fully functioning adult, who can swim ! It's had no impact on my life whatsoever , but not having my mom listen to & support me might have !! You're doing the right thing! Sending hugs x