DD hates swimming lessons with school..

[canthurryup]

Daughter is 9 years old and recently started swimming with school. She hates it. It has got to the point now where she cries the night before begging me not to let her go, she is sick waking in the nigh. I have discussed with teacher who have said it's part of the curriculum so she has to do it.
She has it fhis morning and has been waking throughout the night and being sick this morning. WIbU to keep her off school because school are not interested in helping.

Also the school doesn't sound very caring about your daughter's welfare or willing to work with you on a way to make this work for your child. I think you need to take control and inform them what will be happening rather than asking and letting them cause her further distress. Swimming is really important and you don't want their crack handed approach to destroy her confidence - if she is learning outside of school then job done and you don't have to indulge their box ticking approach.

Poor thing. I can remember the dread of it all. It’s true that sometimes in life we have to do things we don’t want to, but I can’t see why this has to be one of those times. If the school aren’t even being helpful about it then I’d be even less inclined to force it.

This was me too. I don’t think she’ll gain anything from being forced to go. My mum wrote me a note as no other girls did swimming either. We all got notes. It’s nothing to do with swimming itself more just the set up at school.

This was me. Is she going through puberty? I’d try to find a way to make her feel more comfortable. Ask her what it is and if it’s to do with her body? But be careful as you can feel deeply embarrassed and ashamed at this time. A less revealing costume maybe? Is it body hair?

Thank you for all the replies.

She isn't going through puberty and I don't think she is self conscious or anything like that. I can't seem to get to the bottom of the reason why.

I have wrote a letter a couple of times to excuse her from the lesson but then she is outed in front of the class "Isabelle next week if you have ear ache don't come in school because you will have to go swimming with ear ache" and comments like if you are not well enough to swim you are not well enough to attend school. Fair enough but as soon as I keep her off I can guarantee they will be on the phone saying not a good enough reason to be off

What is she like when you take her swimming? Does she like that?

She isn't going through puberty and I don't think she is self conscious or anything like that.
it could be that some of the others are and are talking and commenting in the changing rooms.

I'd also agree that if she is in such a state it will be counterproductive. Whilst I don't agree that children should never be forced to do something they don't want to do, I don't think forcing swimming is ever a good idea. But you can tell her that unless she is able to tell you why she doesn't want to go, she will have to go. Explain you can't go against the school with good reason so she needs to talk.

Gosh the school sound a bit rubbish. I would have thought things like outing in front of the class would be of the past by now but I guess not!

As to your options, if you don't keep her off, then you can come up with an excuse along the lines of a skin rash that would meet the criteria for can't swim but can attend school. Or you can just be more honest and simply say she won't be swimming and that's that.

I feel like the school panics that once one kid gets out of it, they all realise they can get out of it, and the school's authority is gone. I think this essentially did happen at my school - half of us had excuses probably, more so the girls.

Sadly it is part of the curriculum. This would be the same if they suddenly decided they didn't want to do maths. Schools sometimes have spare towels and swim wear in school so I think she would be more comfortable in her own costume with her own towel.

As you can't get to the bottom of why it is hard to help. Yr 3 they all changed in a communal changing room with their own sex. Yr 4 they went 2 to a cubicle. We did 2 year groups at once.

If we had refusers they still had to get on the coach and could sit in the seated area overlooking the pool so they could at least learn something by watching the instructors demonstrate swim strokes. They were not allowed to be in school as due to staffing numbers there was no one for them to stay with in their own year group and it could be seen as a fun alternative being sent to reception.

I would speak to school again and ask what can be done as if she is vomiting from stress then she will be off for 48 hours each time. But you need to try and get to the bottom of why she doesn't want to go swimming so that school can address that.

Did she hate wearing swimwear in her usual lessons and on holiday? If not, maybe there’s something else going on here. Is she not as good as others in the class and feels embarrassed? Any friendship issues? Unheated pool?

I can’t see how it’s mandatory when my own child was allowed to opt out. She had to go with the class and sit and watch.

@canthurryup that's terrible if they said that out loud in class.
Would they do that if it was because it's a girl's time of the month?
As I said upthread they must have a procedure for if a child can't swim. As it said a boy in my class had epilepsy so he wasn't able to swim and I am sure they will be other medical reasons that a child can't.
What do they do if a child has a broken arm and the arm is in a cast?

I'd be quite worried that this is about changing and wearing a costume. What's happened? Has someone said something?

If you are around I would frankly take her in after swimming. They aren't helping and I'd complain if they openly shamed her about it. They should be working with you on this at the very least.

The thing is, we all have to do things in life that we don’t want to do. Sometimes it’s a case of just having to get in with it and learning to be resilient. By all means, find out what the actual issues are but don’t let her dodge the lessons. What’s that teaching her? When she’s nervous about anything else in the future, driving lessons, driving test, job interview, new job, these things all require a bit of courage. Be sympathetic by all means but be firm. In our school, children arriving with no swimming kit are loaned a towel, costume and hat so don’t send her without kit as that won’t be helpful.

That's some very nasty responses from the school. How are swimming lessons even essential? It is bizarre to compare them with maths lessons. What's wrong with just having PE lessons and general fitness/running with swimming optional for those who want it

Loaning kids a school swim suit is grim!

Gosh those posters who say make her are awful. She is telling you she doesn’t want to do it, she is utterly distressed. This isn’t a “sometimes we have to do things we don’t want” this is forcing someone to do something that is distressed and desperate not to do it and why? To make sure she learns life isn’t fair and she will be forced into distressing situations in her life?
Or perhaps she can learn instead that mum is always on her side. That when she’s very very upset, mum will have her back. That she can say no and be listened to.
Well done OP for not making her. Stand your grand. Schools act like they are bloody prisons. They do not have the power to force her.

Bloody hell. I’d go mental. Honestly these experiences for our children stay with them. Back her up. Go right on in and complain. That is bullying by the teacher.

Or perhaps she can learn instead that mum is always on her side. That when she’s very very upset, mum will have her back. That she can say no and be listened to.

Yes!

My daughters class are doing their school swimming lessons this term. She was exactly the same and worked herself up in to such a state about them despite having weekly private lessons and being a strong swimmer - so her school arranged for her to spend the time in a different class whilst the rest of her year go swimming

There was no forcing of her to go or talk of it being part of the curriculum - so I’d go in and speak to the teacher/head and ask for alternative arrangements for her

Instinctively, I wouldn't make her go. I wouldn't force a child into a situation she finds distressing, with teachers who are clearly not sympathetic. If they're not willing to adapt then she will have a miserable time and maybe get put off swimming entirely.

I love swimming but I really get how being in a swimsuit can feel very vulnerable.

It's part of the national curriculum. It's not optional and the school would be wrong for making it optional.

Thinking back to DD's lessons, there could be loads of reasons

difficulty sorting hair / swim cap
worried about not changing fast enough
lack of privacy
wrong type/colour/babyish design of swimsuit + towel
use or lack of use of deodorant
comments on (lack of) development
general embarrassment of getting changed in front of others (could wearing and changing under a vest help?)
talk of what's in the swimming pool water/changing room floor (allowed to take flip flops?)
threats of being dunked (that we had with DS rather than DD)

At that age, the boys in DD's class went through a phase of telling the girls which ones could do with going on a diet and how to go on a diet. Also commenting on leg hair etc. although this was in all PE lessons not just swimming.

If she has private swimming lesson write to school and opt out . If the child is really getting sick then you need to do what's best for your dd.

I think the more you push the more children resist. May be try again next year. As sending her now will cause her to miss more school imo as if the child is sick he/she should be off school for 48hrs after last episode. Though from what you say it sounds like she is really stressed and anxious about it . Please don't make her wear swimwear underneath as it will make her whole day uncomfortable.

Has the teacher who showed her up in front of the class said anything else, is it usual for children to be humiliated in any way?