DD hates swimming lessons with school..

[canthurryup]

Daughter is 9 years old and recently started swimming with school. She hates it. It has got to the point now where she cries the night before begging me not to let her go, she is sick waking in the nigh. I have discussed with teacher who have said it's part of the curriculum so she has to do it.
She has it fhis morning and has been waking throughout the night and being sick this morning. WIbU to keep her off school because school are not interested in helping.

I can't seem to get to the bottom of the reason why.

This is what you need to focus on. Until you know the reason you and the school can't deal with it. At 9 she is old enough to understand that if she wants to have an exception made, she needs to explain why.

If she is making herself sick with anxiety there must be something she can identify. It's unlikely to be some deep seated memory or trauma that she's buried and can't fathom (at least I sincerely hope not).

Poor lass. It's horrible to see your child in such distress, but she needs to see how the adults in her life help her to manage these things.

This is one of those occasions when you need to be THAT PARENT and advocate for your child.

You go into school, and you TELL the teacher your DD will NOT be going swimming, and you back that up with the HT. It is not ok for them to force your DD to do something that is causing her such overwhelming distress.

For goodness sake

Do report back when you've done this, op. I can't wait to hear the reception you get.

This child happily does private lessons, so none of the above applies.

I agree. There is a reason but she’s not sharing it. That would be my biggest concern. I’d try different methods of getting it out. Sometimes talking about it in the car is helpful because you’re not face to face/making eye contact. DS usually lets stuff out when we’re laid down cuddling and not looking at each other.

The curling parents are out in force today.

But she’s still getting distressed at the school lessons.

She’s getting distressed about them. So they are counter productive. Especially if she has private lessons and is fine.

I agree you need to find out why and definitely not force her to do it. I bet there is some teasing, comparing, looking going on that she is very uncomfortable with. Girls can be very sensitive about their bodies. As long as she is a good swimmer, it doesn't matter where or when she learns. You, as a parent, have first responsibility for her education. So it's your decision. I wouldn't let the school dictate, but I would do it quietly, as you have been doing it. If they raise it, explain the situation and the support from school wasn't sufficient to overcome, so you'll be covering that part of the curriculum yourself, thank you.

i did actually, but my son has asd and had massive sensory issues with water on his head/face, and after he had several meltdowns because they refused to allow him to do things at his pace, i did exactly that.

There are times to help encourage them through a fear, and times when forcing them to do something is completely counter-intuitive and borderline abuse and neglect.

Ah, the old SEN drip feed. The Ops dd has no SEN so what you needed to do probably doesn't apply.

"Isabelle next week if you have ear ache don't come in school because you will have to go swimming with ear ache"

wtf

@Johnnysgirl my child also has private swimming lessons, private meaning he has 1:1 and not group lessons due to social anxiety and having selective mutism. Just because someone is able to have private swim lessons does not mean they can cope with having school or shared swimming lessons.

Buy her a decent changing robe. Let her go into school already in her costume. 100% it's due to self confidence about her body and being 'that' age.

I have just recently written a note excusing my dd from swimming in perpetuity. She can swim, she's actually a very strong swimmer, but she can't face school swimming lessons. She has been bullied a lot and does not want to go in the changing rooms or be around the bullies. She was really stressed about it and it's not worth it. It causes her stress, the teachers stress having to deal with it too. She can sit by the side and watch not exciting but better than unnecessary anxiety.

If the OP's daughter had a diagnosis of social anxiety and selective mutism it would be an entirely different scenario to the one she is describing.

Things that are potentially terrible about school swimming:
Going to a different building
Difficult transition from desk based learning
Getting changed under time pressure
Keeping track of all your things and not dropping them in a disgusting puddle or getting mixed up with someone else's
Putting your things in a gross locker or leaving them open to theft in the changing room and worrying about them
The yucky changing room floor
Exposing your body to other people
Seeing other people's bodies
Ambient echoing noise in pool
Being inside water
Being cold
The sense of motion in the pool and losing track of where you are
Having to swim fast and struggling to keep up
Having to swim in a certain way
Chlorine smell and taste
Floating plasters
Fear of drowning
Anxiety of seeing others get into difficulty
Teachers being mean
Other pupils being mean
Not understanding the teacher's instructions
Being compared to other people in various ways - body and skills
What if you get your period in the pool
Being too hungry to swim before lunch or too full to swim afterwards
Having wet hair
Difficulty getting dry
Putting clothes back on a damp body
Getting to your next class on time
Not looking totally dishevelled

This, all this. We all have to do things we don’t want to do. Life is often like this and she needs to accept it

I didn’t like going going swimming with school either. It was a damp and cold miserable experience. But l sucked it up

It does apply, because her daughter is distressing herself to the point of being sick, situational anxiety at that level has to have some root cause, and continuing to FORCE a child into a situation that causes that level of distress isn't ok on ANY level, SEN or no SEN.

She has private lessons, so the school trying to force her into swimming in school is a pointless exercise that is only distressing her, and could have much longer reaching consequences on her feelings of safety and trust.

I absolutely know when to push my kids, both the one with SEN and the one without, but im a Youth Mental Health First Aider (qualification from MH England ftr) so i also recognise when its time to put a stop to something that is causing them unnecessary distress. This is one of them.

If the op can get to the bottom of what the issue is, and address it, then maybe her DD can return to swimming next time its her classes turn, but right now, at this time, it needs to be halted until it can be resolved.

Exactly. These snippy posts about children with SEN when the OPs child doesn't have SEN are one of the most irritating things about mumsnet.

Keep her at home when they have a swimming lesson. As she can already swim, she won’t be missing out.

I paid for my DS to have private 1:1 swimming lessons as the previous year’s school lessons were causing him a lot of stress. The groups were too large and he was stuck with the beginners class doing nothing.

I also sewed a towelling changing robe for him (using an adult size dressing gown), to change inside to help him get dry and dressed afterwards. His last year of primary swimming went really well as he was now a confident swimmer from his private lessons and it was just his class of 15 students, which was a much better size.

The idea that ‘everyone must blindly follow school rules and need to learn to suck it up’ belongs back in the 19th century…!

This is one of the reasons we moved to Ireland as English state schools are dreadfully regimented with the emphasis on entirely the wrong aspects of education. No wonder the teachers are leaving in droves. 🤦🏻‍♀️

There are times to help encourage them through a fear, and times when forcing them to do something is completely counter-intuitive and borderline abuse and neglect
Op's child goes to private lessons quite happily. Do you think op should use your advice if her child starts refusing to do maths, because she's taken against it?

The metaphor of the shark cage comes to mind. What are we teaching our children about being safe and valued and listened to? The child is clearly very distressed and the school should drag themselves into the current century and come up with an alternative option.

@Tirednest Wasn't a snippy post at all just pointing out that children who have private lessons doesn't necessarily mean they can be in a group lesson.

Although the OP child may not have SEN she is still showing distress to the point of being sick which is not good for your health is clearly causing anxiety. When you are paying over the odds to pay for private tuition for it to be hindered by free lessons of course you have every right to try and prevent it the free lessons from happening.

abuse and neglect

Fgs listen to yourself