DD hates swimming lessons with school..

[canthurryup]

Daughter is 9 years old and recently started swimming with school. She hates it. It has got to the point now where she cries the night before begging me not to let her go, she is sick waking in the nigh. I have discussed with teacher who have said it's part of the curriculum so she has to do it.
She has it fhis morning and has been waking throughout the night and being sick this morning. WIbU to keep her off school because school are not interested in helping.

There’s a couple of things to suggest. If she’s had private lessons and can already swim 25m then you can request to withdraw her based on the fact she has achieved primary school swimming target. If she hasn’t made 25m yet then technically she should do it.

You can just refuse. A number of parents at my DD’s school boycotted swimming which was introduced at y5 after not being offered since before Covid. Some had started their periods and would just miss monthly and other said they were refusing point blank as vital that she shouldn’t be made to go through school swimming etc (that’s another discussion and I’ve successfully taken ks2 all year groups swimming without it ever being an issue as a teacher but when it’s suddenly introduced the people who haven’t had it make it an issue).

would it help if you went with the school as a helper?? We had to do this for my DD who has additional needs and no support for getting changed and personal care. School refused to take her unless someone went with her. We took her into a separate changing area away from other kids and then took her through to the pool where she joined the lesson as normal so we watched her from the viewing area. On iOS it’ll if you’re working you can’t do this and shouldn’t have to, but it could be a suggestion.

Depending on the time of the lesson you could take her in late or pick her up early from school. Or just not send her swim kit and refuse to give permission for the school to take her off site to the swimming pool.

Personally I hate swimming as an adult. I can’t actually swim. My kids can now swim and are old enough to go themselves. So as an adult I choose not to go now.

Can't you buy her a costume that covers more, they do ones with shorts and short sleeves now, might be an idea to suggest if it's being in very little clothing that's the issue. By y5 the girls were also allowed to change in a cubical at my school, in 2s as there wasn't enough for 1 each, the lads changed in the open changing room. Maybe she'd be ok changing in a cubical?

The idea that ‘everyone must blindly follow school rules and need to learn to suck it up’ belongs back in the 19th century…!
You really think schools could function on a "If you want to join in, fine. If not, tell us what you'd prefer and we'll make it available for you" basis?

Can you just refuse to send her in with a swimming kit? My 9yo is swimming too this year, he’s not a great swimmer so feels shy because he’s “still on 2 armbands”. He’s begged me not to send him in with his kit because they then get to sit out.

I make him do his lessons though because he’s not really bothered by them. If he was getting himself distressed then I wouldn’t make him. I believe children can make choices too, pretty poor of the school. x

This is the crux of the issue really. You clearly haven’t a clue how education is managed so much better in other countries.

Dd wanted one of those but her school had a rule that they couldn’t wear those sort of costumes.

Luckily dd was fine with it, but what a pointless rule.

Curriculum states that by the end of ks2, they should be able to swim 25m, use a range of strokes and self-rescue in case of a situation. If she can do all these things and you’re confident she can, if she really hates it, I’d just give her a recurring ear problem and say she can’t go in the water.

A girl in my class was the same and it turned out someone said something about her swimming costume to her and she was too embarrassed to wear it so check that too!

Well, I was educated in another country. We certainly didn't get to cherrypick the parts of the curriculum that suited us? Can you tell me what country in particular you're referring to?

I'd expect them to do what is the safe and sensible thing to do. Stop, pause, try and find out what the problem is, and work with it at the childs pace until they're comfortable doing it again... you know, like you're supposed to.

Dragging any child practically kicking/screaming/breaking down into any situation where they're basically terrified is shitty behaviour.

It doesn't teach the child anything, other than they can't trust the adults around them to listen when they're distressed, and that their feelings don't matter, only the adults wants/needs and the rules.

There is a HUGE difference in how you handle a child that is being stubborn, and one that is SCARED.

But she does the activity elsewhere. She can't be in mortal fear of something in one place and embrace it happily in another, in the extreme way you're suggesting. It doesn't make sense.

I'm actually surprised schools don't insist on more flesh being covered to be honest, they are effectively in underwear and in a public place (our lessons were at the local pool and part of the pool was just sectioned off). Strange rule insisting kids must be half naked when costumes covering more are available these days.

The extreme way she is reacting to the school swimming is why something needs to be done, there is clearly something VERY wrong for her to be having such a strong reaction to the point she's having nightmares and making herself sick.

If it was just 'i dont want to' being stubborn i wouldn't be saying the things i am, but with the ops dd being so obviously extremely distressed, the best thing for her this time around is to stop making her get in the pool, stop shaming her for not getting in, and try and address in a more constructive manner, what the problem is, so next time her class have their turn to go swimming, she can feel more safe/comfortable to go.

My point is here (despite other making me out to be some mad mom) is to advocate for the child by removing her from what is distressing her in the immediate moment (Swimming with school) and work with her on what the problem is while she's not gripped by that particular fear.

Even more reason to get to the bottom of it instead of forcing her. When a reaction is really out of character for a child, it indicates there is something happening that is affecting her.

I have a child that is not anxious, happy going to school and happy in her activities. She will occasionally say she doesn’t want to do something because she’s tired but absolutely no anxiety or making herself sick over anything. If she suddenly started behaving like this over something, it would ring major alarm bells.

FloorWipes, I agree totally with your post.
OP, your poor DD. This was me 40 years ago.It’s a combination of so many things, mostly related to puberty.
Luckily for me my swimming lessons only lasted for one term. My DM would write a letter confirming I had my period & sometimes this would stretch to the next week. I still hate swimming pools but love the sea.
I don’t know why we have to put children through these things when we wouldn’t as adults.

This could have been me.

All making me go achieved was a lifelong hatred of water and I still can't swim and will never be able to.

YANBU to keep her off.

There's not wanting to do it, and then there's being extremely distressed by it. Your daughter is the latter case. It's not normal to be that distressed by a school lesson, and pushing it will do no good. If she has swimming lessons outside of school it's not even like she'll be missing out on anything.

I absolutely detested P.E. in school, for many reasons, and eventually my mum ended up just writing me notes every week on condition I went to the gym at the local leisure centre with a friend a couple times a week after school, which I did. The teacher knew full well I was pulling a fast one, but it's not like she could force me to get changed and run around. I know your DD is only 9 but it would be good for her to practice a passive face, saying "OK" in a monotone and letting any snarkiness from the teacher wash over her.

I used to hate everything about swimming at primary school - having to get changed in communal area, the competition and bitchiness if you weren't so good a swimmer, having to go back to school with damp hair in freezing cold weather.

I loved swimming when I went family or friends, it was just lessons with the school that were awful!

Shr probably finds the pool cold or doesn't like getting dried or having wet hair.
If you generally have a good relationship with her , she is okay with out of school swimming, and she won't tell you why, then I think there is no good reason.i wonder if the swimming teacher told her off, or she is just plain lazy
Stop snowflaking her!

Oh for heaven’s sake, telling a child they are not allowed to skip a class they dislike is not ‘borderline abuse’. 🙄 OP’s child has no SEN, so there is no need for special treatment. This is an excellent opportunity for the OP to gently teach her dd how to systematically and constructively break down a seemingly insurmountable problem and figure out a way to overcome it. That’s a really useful life skill.

How is it even essential to learn how to swim in this age and day? Surely it is a good skill to have but some people just hate swimming and water and dirty chlorine pools. It doesn't mean all of them will drown at some point in their lives just because they were not forced to go to swimming lessons as kids! Schools should really rethink and make swimming optional.

also, my experience of working as MHFA with under 10s, 'i dont know' answer to why they're scared is either because they dont feel safe telling you, or they genuinely don't have the emotional maturity or vocabulary to articulate exactly what is wrong.

Accusing them of lying/faking it is the worst thing you can do.

Does she go in wearing her swimming costume under her uniform? Then at least there is one less hurdle (getting changed beforehand) for her to jump.

Bless her, absolutely do not force her. You insist as her parent that she will not be allowed in the pool, make sure she packs a book or some homework in her bag that she can do while she watches. Tell them she's having private swimming lessons. If it's making her distressed to the point of throwing up then there's a bigger issue that you need to combat. But for now, don't make her.

@canthurryup

I've read this thread with interest and I love that you can get so many different perspectives in such a short time from a tool like this.

At the end of the day, I think it's clear that if your child enjoys swimming in one setting and not another the fear is linked to something / an experience linked to the setting - but no one can tell you what that is other than your daughter. I would focus all my energies on getting your daughter to confide in you.

In the interim, if it was me I would request a face to face meeting with the head / deputy head to explain the situation in full and ask them to help with a solution to give you some time to get to the bottom of the issue without having to resort to keeping her off school and then report back to the school once you understand the true issue (so you can work together to come up with a plan to help).

Good luck

'I have wrote a letter a couple of times to excuse her from the lesson but then she is outed in front of the class "Isabelle next week if you have ear ache don't come in school because you will have to go swimming with ear ache" and comments like if you are not well enough to swim you are not well enough to attend school.'

This is humiliating and bullying. I'd write a letter of complaint based on this alone. Teachers wonder why parents take a dim view of many of them!

Swimming. It's just pathetic isn't it in this day and age that it is still on the curriculum. Why on earth doesn't one of them take action to change this archaic 'lesson' or are they too busy striking.

Keep supporting your dd, keep sending in notes so she doesn't have to do a completely unnecessary lesson that causes her distress.