If I ruled Mumsnet...

[UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]

If you start a particularly juicy thread, you have to pay a deposit. If you don't come back with an update, you lose the deposit. I know I shouldn't get so invested, but I dooooooooo.

If you post on a thread without reading all of the OP's posts, you're banned for twenty-four hours so you can think about what you did!

Any others?

I love the idea of a Tea and Sympathy topic.

I'd ban for a week anyone who drafts an email/text/WhatsApp message. In the mistaken belief the OP will be so blown away by their wordsmithery they'll automatically send it out to their boss/partner/friend. They're never as articulate as they seem to think they are. It's such a smug, self-satisfied thing to do.
Disclaimer- I don't mean when the OP has specifically asked for help drafting something

These are great! It seems I've narrowly missed breaking some of the new 'rules'. I was tempted to post in AIBU for traffic and nearly added 'Lighthearted' to the title. I did stop and make sure I had the right spelling of 'lose' in the original post. Phew!

Oh, another thing to change...people have to post clever things all night long so I have something to read when I check back in on the thread.

My rule.
You can say what you like, but all nasty comments must be accompanied by a cute picture

"you sound vile"

See? Not so bad

@BruceAndNosh Oh no! You can't have the word "vile" next to such a cute little kitten!

I do think there should be a sticker at the top of AIBU signposting other subforums that might be more useful to the poster

Yup. If I ran MN I'd be very strict about what could be posted in AIBU but, as you say, I'd make it easier for people to find the correct section. None of this "AIBU to ask for your favourite recipe" bollocks. No, of course it's not an unreasonable question, but post it in Chat FFS! Anyone "posting for traffic" there can go in the naughty corner for at least 24 hours too.

"Get a grip"

Can't do pictures () but:

"Give your head a wobble"
tenor.com/view/shaking-head-no-dog-puppy-gif-5636685

Not quite the same, I realise, BruceAndNosh.

But, @BruceAndNosh, it just makes the animals look like bullies!

Ban posters who fall for every troll going and salivate waiting for updates, encouraging said troll to invent more and more bollocks

Ban posters who ever correct anyone else's SPaG (unless the person doing the correcting makes a mistake, in which case we should all be pinged and made to go and point and laugh)

Ban anyone who can't cope with a question being asked more than once in a decade "oh not this again!" And similarly, anyone feeling the need to run weeping to HQ because they can't deal with the fact that a new user has mistakenly resurrected a zombie thread.

@PAFMO

Ban anyone who can't cope with a question being asked more than once in a decade "oh not this again!" And similarly, anyone feeling the need to run weeping to HQ because they can't deal with the fact that a new user has mistakenly resurrected a zombie thread.

TBF it’s quite difficult to ‘mistakenly’ resurrect a zombie thread what with the message asking if you’re sure and all that…

@CandidaAlbicans2

I do think there should be a sticker at the top of AIBU signposting other subforums that might be more useful to the poster

Yup. If I ran MN I'd be very strict about what could be posted in AIBU but, as you say, I'd make it easier for people to find the correct section. None of this "AIBU to ask for your favourite recipe" bollocks. No, of course it's not an unreasonable question, but post it in Chat FFS! Anyone "posting for traffic" there can go in the naughty corner for at least 24 hours too.

All of this, plus an automated LMGTFY link in response to all 'AIBU to ask what the luggage allowance is, for an airline I'm not going to disclose' type posts.

I would definitely have a section for "It's absolutely none of my business but ....." posts.

All the ones about the ridiculous name some woman at work is lumbering her kid with; the ones where my partners mate is having an affair with a woman my dad works with; the ones where your gruesome ex is now with another woman and you feel you should "warn' her in some way; the ones where the NDN has painted their front door purple and you hate it; the ones where a relative is spending their kid's inheritance going on cruises .... and so it goes on.

None of your business .... or .... NOYB ... I've invented a new acronym.

@SenecaFallsRedux

I would make a rule that any poster who asks for advice about their offspring, must indicate their DC's age in the opening post. Because the advice may differ depending on whether they are 8 or 18. It amazes me how many people leave out this important information.

Also the people giving advice should indicate the age of their own DC. If I was asking for advice about a 16 year old I would give a lot more weight to the advice of someone with DC in their late teens than someone who has a toddler - or even worse offers advice on the basis they were once a teenager themselves (more common than it should be that one).

I'd also remove strike through. What is it for, a kind of sotto voce? It's just a bit twee.

I'd limit emojis.

Just as Terry Pratchett said that five exclamation marks is the sure sign of insanity, I gaze askance on posts containing rows of laughing emojis.
Especially as the poster is nearly always laughing at someone disagreeing with them. Why is that so hilarious?
It's even more odd, imo, if they've taken the trouble to put in different emojis (perhaps that tells more of a story...?).
Like:
"Oooh, you do make me laugh, RandomPersonOnMN
🤣😄😄"

In case old Random doesn't know what laughing is, perhaps.

@UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa

But, *@BruceAndNosh*, it just makes the animals look like bullies!

Let's be honest, most bunnies are thugs and your average cat doesn't give a shit

MNHQ can ban whoever they like, but I wish they weren't so quick to delete threads, even if they are by a Previously banned poster.
Even if the OP is trolling, some of the responses can still be helpful to others

@Lamarschallin, no-no, the whole range is needed. For example, in your example, Random was crying with laughter then calmed down a bit (maybe had a biscuit) but was still laughing at the normal level, but more than a smile, mind you. How else would we know the strength of the laughter? I'm fairly certain this is important.

I think there should be a subsection of AIBU called "I have already decided I am not being unreasonable and want you to validate that". That way we could avoid threads that go:
OP: AIBU
Whole of MN: YABU
OP: No I am not and you're all wrong

UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa

Lamarschallin, no-no, the whole range is needed. For example, in your example, Random was crying with laughter then calmed down a bit (maybe had a biscuit) but was still laughing at the normal level, but more than a smile, mind you.

Ahh!

Is that why I get so many emojis aimed at me...?

@frugalkitty

I'd have an edit button!

So would I, if only viable for a limited time.

I would also get rid of the ridiculous predictive text.