Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

5 days to the wedding. He just ended it.

165 replies

UpAllNight100 · 21/10/2021 00:59

I think my partner has just ended it. I can't sleep, he is in the spare room. He has a stepson, 12, and a son, 7. We have been together for ten years. Finally planned a wedding, just for us, no people. But he just said he thinks we should separate and then see if we can work it out. I don't feel like he can keep me hanging on when he has cancelled the wedding with days to go. My 7 yr old went to bed saying how excited he is as only 5 sleeps. Boys will be distraught.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 21/10/2021 01:09

Call his bluff. Don't beg. Don't plead....it doesn't sound good OP but it is what it is

Do you own the house or rent it?

If it's rented, ask him to leave immediately.

Tell him you won't be played with and if he can be so harsh to you then you dont want to live with him anymore.

What led up to the discussion? Did you argue?

SpindelWhorl · 21/10/2021 01:15

I'm so sorry, OP. I hope you're ok and I know your mind will be everywhere, and it's not fair.

Does he expect you to tell the boys? Is he playing games?

TrollsAreSaddos · 21/10/2021 01:16

That sounds awful for you but I suppose that’s it’s better to know how he feels before getting married rather than afterwards.
Had you been planning to get married for a long time?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
MelKarnofskyCrane · 21/10/2021 01:17

Aww that’s awful. Did he say why?? Have you been having problems or is this out of the blue for you?

Original poster
UpAllNight100 · 21/10/2021 01:20

He is the type who just bottles things up. He is definitely just seeing his side and not considering any other point of view. I've spent all evening trying to talk, be kind and tell him that we can get through it. As we aren't married, I will get nothing so that does upset me. I don't have my own savings. Always trusted him.
It started because I got cross with him for asking me a stupid question while i was rushing around, last few years it has felt like i'm not allowed to be cross with him or he jumps to, we should split up. But a few days before the wedding feels very final

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 21/10/2021 01:26

That honestly sounds abusive. Is the house his? So he knows you'll get nothing?

honeyrider · 21/10/2021 01:32

Sounds like he's been abusive and as hard as it is now it's better to dodge the bullet now. I get the feeling he's being manipulative and wants you to beg him to stay and marry you.

TillyDevon · 21/10/2021 01:33

It’s not only awful to you but to the boys as I’m so sorry they’ll be upset too. He sounds a commitment phobe when you have been together so long anyway. I hope the right thing works out for you OP and really so sorry.

Avarua · 21/10/2021 01:34

Honestly, be wary of advice you receive in the middle of the night from strangers on the internet. Trust yourself and you ability to ask questions of your partner.

Weatherwax13 · 21/10/2021 01:38

@UpAllNight100 that sounds to me like an excuse he jumped on. Nobody cancels a wedding over a trivial row, this has been brewing in his head for a while, he's had you on eggshells for years and he saw you getting cross tonight as his last opportunity to pull out while being able to blame you.
And I'm sure he knows perfectly well that if you split unmarried it leaves you financially up the Swanee which is probably the major factor in him doing this horrible thing. He doesn't want you to "get your hands on his money". It's a disgusting way of thinking that some men have.
I think you'll have to bloody well call his bluff. Don't debase yourself by pleading. And I'd get legal advice asap. Is your name on your lease/mortgage? There's also an easy online calculator to see if you're entitled to any benefits without him.
Even if you're working, you may be entitled to some kind of top up.
So don't panic yet.
I'm so sorry you're being treated so harshly. And it doesn't sound like you've been happy with the way he's treated you for quite a while.
I would call anyone you trust for some support asap.
Especially if you have a family member who's close to your boys too. Flowers
Don't let him treat you like crap. You don't deserve this.

Cameleongirl · 21/10/2021 01:42

He's treating you like crap, OP, but tbh, you've probably dodged a bullet. You don't want to be married to someone who won't tolerate you even being slightly cross with him.

As PP's have said, seek advice on what you're entitled to and real life support from family and friends. Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2021 01:44

What a vile prick he is. This is all very deliberate, isn't it? Get rid of this horrible man

Original poster
UpAllNight100 · 21/10/2021 01:45

Thanks, I don't have any family, my mum died last year. I think its the living on eggshells thing that makes me think we are def done. The wedding wouldn't feel rught even if we did go ahead, and i would always resent him for putting me through this.
I know i will be ok, but my kids will be heartbroken.

OP posts:
Original poster
UpAllNight100 · 21/10/2021 01:46

Thanks Avarua, no family. And not sure i can admit it to friends yet. But clearly no sleep happening for me tonight! I get what you're saying though. X

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 21/10/2021 01:47

I'm so sorry, OP. Your gut instinct is right, though, you can't spend your life treading on eggshells. Ultimately, that will be worse for your children.

Take care Flowers

SpindelWhorl · 21/10/2021 02:01

Assuming you're in the UK, @UpAllNight100, and you have a young child together, I'd definitely advise you to quietly see a solicitor and discuss matters financial, such as an occupation order and child maintenance, depending on your specific circumstances.

I'd also look into some personal talking therapy / counselling for processing your own unhappiness.

We all have a right to advice and support.

mathanxiety · 21/10/2021 02:53

...last few years it has felt like i'm not allowed to be cross with him or he jumps to, we should split up.

This is him telling you which side your bread is buttered on, and making you get back in line.

He's trying to do it again by calling off the wedding.

He is not interested in a relationship of equals. He wants to be the one calling the shots. On a practical level, he knows that marriage will give you legal status. Again, he doesn't want you to have rights.

Consider this behaviour of his a gift to you and your children. Seeing a man treat their mother the way this man is treating you would be a horrible lesson in life for the boys.

nellly · 21/10/2021 03:43

I think it sounds like he has brewing this for years and using the 'we should split' as a way of ensuring you don't ever crisitise or say anything remotely negative. Stay strong , if he's so happy to threaten to end it then call his bluff and walk away. You can do better and being alone is better than being with someone who treats you like crap.
So sorry you're going through this and for your sons disappointment though. It's going to be rough in the short term Thanks

Gothichouse40 · 21/10/2021 03:49

So very sorry to hear your situation. However, you are better to find out now what he is like rather than after you have married him. Of course you will be hurting massively but you have had a lucky escape. What a coward to leave it this late in the day to tell you how he feels. My advice, move on from this person and don't look back. You deserve so much better.

ThirdElephant · 21/10/2021 03:53

I'm so sorry, OP. Flowers

MinnieJackson · 21/10/2021 04:03

Think, 4 days time, you'll be walking down the aisle, because I think he's calling your bluff.
Has he done this before?
Nobody knows the ins and outs of anyone else's relationships but I think he'll either be grovelling, youll get married and this will continue, for your whole married life, or you'll call his bluff and say fuck you, be heartbroken for a while, then be free!

MinnieJackson · 21/10/2021 04:07

What does he mean by separate and then work it out thoigh? Separate for a night? A day? Two? Then it's your wedding? Or split up and see what happens?

LaurenKelsey · 21/10/2021 04:44

His becoming cross with you is his way of being the one in control of things. I was married to someone like that. I always felt like he was angry at me, and if I asked him if he was angry, THAT made him angry. Ugh. It’s no way to live, walking on eggshells. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s awful.

Northernsoullover · 21/10/2021 04:53

Nightmare. I don't think he will split up with you. It's easier (for reasons stated) to keep you as a partner.

PurpleOkapi · 21/10/2021 05:31

last few years it has felt like i'm not allowed to be cross with him or he jumps to, we should split up.

Last few years? OP, I don't think he really wants to marry you, and I don't think that's a new development, either.