Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

5 days to the wedding. He just ended it.

165 replies

UpAllNight100 · 21/10/2021 00:59

I think my partner has just ended it. I can't sleep, he is in the spare room. He has a stepson, 12, and a son, 7. We have been together for ten years. Finally planned a wedding, just for us, no people. But he just said he thinks we should separate and then see if we can work it out. I don't feel like he can keep me hanging on when he has cancelled the wedding with days to go. My 7 yr old went to bed saying how excited he is as only 5 sleeps. Boys will be distraught.

OP posts:

madisonbridges · 21/10/2021 15:35

I've got to say if my partner said that they didn't believe in monogamy, I'd always be thinking they might stray and I'd be reluctant to marry him. I think hrs,done well to stick around for so long, actually. And if I had greater assets than him, I'd be protecting them as well, although obviously providing for my child. And I believe that would be the general consensus on MN.
I had thought that him pushing you to go was because he wanted out of the relationship but your latest updates has put doubt over that. It could very well be that he's insecure and feels the need to constantly test you because he fears you're going to leave sooner or later. What an awful way for him to live. No wonder he gets grumpy.
With your completely different attitudes to monogamy I just don't see how marriage would really change things.

cheeselover2021 · 21/10/2021 15:59

HOnestly, at first I wasthinking wow what a shitty thing for him to do.

But after your update, I think I'm on his side.

You're a bit vague as to your actual commitment to him and I am not surprised he has cold feet.

You are basically saying you will be faithful to him but you don't actually believe in monogamy and you are far more adventurous sexually.

If my fiancee thought like that, no way in hell would I be going through with a marriage.

If you don't believe in monogamy, how do you believe in marriage? isn't marriage committing yourself to the same person? The exact opposite of what you told him you believe in!

butterpuffed · 21/10/2021 16:01

Well, OP has dripfed that she 'prefers open relationships' like it's an aside !

He doesn't feel confident that you would stay faithful.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

Gonnagetgoing · 21/10/2021 16:08

@cheeselover2021

HOnestly, at first I wasthinking wow what a shitty thing for him to do.

But after your update, I think I'm on his side.

You're a bit vague as to your actual commitment to him and I am not surprised he has cold feet.

You are basically saying you will be faithful to him but you don't actually believe in monogamy and you are far more adventurous sexually.

If my fiancee thought like that, no way in hell would I be going through with a marriage.

If you don't believe in monogamy, how do you believe in marriage? isn't marriage committing yourself to the same person? The exact opposite of what you told him you believe in!

Seems like a big slap in the face to her fiance re not believing in monogamy and being far more adventurous sexually so of course he thinks she'll end up having an open relationship and having loads of 'fun'.

Plus maybe with her new job she has more disposable income to spend going out to meet men. Which is fine if her and fiance are both on the same page re this.

HeartsAndClubs · 21/10/2021 16:11

Bit of a drip feed there OP.

Based on what you originally said you were bound to be the one getting the sympathy, but in truth the fact that you have already told him you don’t think that monogamy is the answer he’s right to walk away.

If a woman posted here saying that she was having doubts about her upcoming wedding and part of that was that her soon to be husband had talked about an open relationship on the basis he didn’t believe in monogamy the unanimous answer would be that he’s just leaving the door open so he can shag around and to get rid.

You know that you’re not likely to remain faithful in this marriage, and he has the right not to live in doubt of your fidelity.

BigButtons · 21/10/2021 16:23

With it happening before, I mean 4 or 5 times in the last 4 yrs. He did have reasons to doubt me. does that mean you have been unfaithful 4 or 5 times?

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 21/10/2021 16:27

And to think there are children in this scenario

saraclara · 21/10/2021 16:30

I don't know how any marriage can survive if only one party doesn't believe in monogamy. No amount of reassurance would make me confident if I was engaged to the male version of you, OP.

Wildheartsease · 21/10/2021 16:52

Sounds as if you are both unhappy in this relationship.

Walking on egg shells is no way to live.
Feeling that every row marks the end of your relationship is no way to live either.

Perhaps be clear - discuss where the two of you will be in 10 years time.

If you are moving out - make this separation permanent and not about either party 'making up' a mind.

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 21/10/2021 17:47

Total car crash of a relationship for both of you from what I am reading .

AngelDelightUk · 21/10/2021 18:54

How are you doing OP?

AcrossthePond55 · 21/10/2021 20:20

You don't have the same set of values. He's right to call it off, if that is indeed why he's calling it off. There are a lot of things in a marriage where the partners don't have to believe exactly the same thing. Many things can be compromised on. But monogamy is NOT one of them. You must be on the same page as your partner. There's no halfway. You have a right to want/need a non-monogamous relationship, but if that's what you want you need to seek out someone who feels like you do. He has the right to a monogamous relationship with a person who feels the same as he does.

As far as he goes, it does sound to me as if he is manipulative if he's made you believe that he is 'entitled' to behave like a prat or that you have to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting him.

Personally, I think he's done both of you a favour. Go and find yourself someone to love on your own terms.

FortunesFave · 22/10/2021 05:26

Why would you want to get married if you don't believe in monogamy?

Is it just a financial thing?

If you say you'd never act on your beliefs, then why tell him in the first place?

PurpleOkapi · 22/10/2021 05:44

Called it. Well, not the open marriage bit. OP, I'm sure he has real feelings for you, or he wouldn't have stuck around this long. But he also has deep, well-grounded fears about your compatibility and long-term happiness. He's been literally telling you that for years, and you don't seem to have realized it, because you're more focused on convincing him to marry you than on actually addressing any of the issues that make him not want to. You two aren't compatible, and browbeating him into marrying you won't change that.

Also, no one should marry someone's who's cheated on them "4 or 5 times," whether said person "believes in monogamy" or not.

danblack87 · 22/10/2021 16:50

No sugar coating /// you two are obviously not compatible - squabbles aside He doesn't trust you ... Move on and be 'free'. Why marry someone if you want to be monogamous !!! It just does not make sense - it's like 'I am doing it for the children and security' NOT for Love and for better/worse, rich or poorer, etc.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread