5 days to the wedding. He just ended it.

[UpAllNight100]

I think my partner has just ended it. I can't sleep, he is in the spare room. He has a stepson, 12, and a son, 7. We have been together for ten years. Finally planned a wedding, just for us, no people. But he just said he thinks we should separate and then see if we can work it out. I don't feel like he can keep me hanging on when he has cancelled the wedding with days to go. My 7 yr old went to bed saying how excited he is as only 5 sleeps. Boys will be distraught.

[girlmom21]

Sorry so you asked for an open relationship and are now upset that he questioned whether he wanted to commit to you legally/financially?

That changes things massively.
No surprises that he got cold feet in that case.

[Colouringaddict]

Sounds like a form of control….disagree with me and I will threaten to walk away. I have lived walking on eggshells, it’s not sustainable for you or your children.

I would completely switch on him and agree that getting married isn’t the right thing to do and maybe we need to look at ways to separate in the best interests of all concerned. He knows you’re vulnerable, time to turn it round on him!

[Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss]

I’m going to be controversial and say do whatever you need to do/say to get the wedding back on. He is untrustworthy but you are so financially precarious and I don’t see why he should be able to be with you for a decade and raise a family with you then effectively get to walk away with virtually no responsibility. The difference between him leaving you at 5 days post wedding and 5 days pre wedding is massive.

I know that’s very overly logical and not romantic and I would never say the same to someone who didn’t have children together, but in this case I would be thinking of my children.

[oakleaffy]

Just spoken to a male colleague about this and he said straight off the bat that it will likely be one of these things:
1, He doesn’t feel they are compatible any longer,
2, He wants to shag about
3, There is someone else in his sights.

Either way, don’t marry this man, as he will always be resentful- and it it will likely end in divorce in a year or so.

It’s a crap situation- Ideally he should have said from get go he didn’t want marriage.

A wealthy woman I know of refuses to marry the father of her children simply because she wants to protect her assets, so it cuts both ways.

[frazzledasarock]

God no do not marry a man who is controlling and abusive to get financial stability. You will have an even worse time trying to get divorced from him and have even less money as you will be paying solicitors.


I would totally in your shoes be making an escape plan hoewever, and putting money aside in preparation.

[MelKarnofskyCrane]

Just spoken to a male colleague about this and he said straight off the bat that it will likely be one of these things:
1, He doesn’t feel they are compatible any longer,
2, He wants to shag about
3, There is someone else in his sights

It’s so lucky we have a male on hand to provide that kind of insight.

[MrsKeats]

Lol at Mel

[SpindelWhorl]

@MelKarnofskyCrane

Just spoken to a male colleague about this and he said straight off the bat that it will likely be one of these things:
1, He doesn’t feel they are compatible any longer,
2, He wants to shag about
3, There is someone else in his sights

It’s so lucky we have a male on hand to provide that kind of insight.

Especially if there's an 'open relationship' in the mix.

[oakleaffy]

You yourself wanted an “Open” relationship?
That puts a very different perspective on things.

[fumfspos]

I co-own a house nearby, with my brother who lives abroad. So I would move there. Its smaller and cheaper to run. My name isn't on anything otherwise.

Go there. Just leave him.
I know it will be awful for the children but they will be ok. Far worse to be living in a house with a bad atmosphere all the time.

You wanted an open relationship anyway. Perhaps he felt you weren't committed enough to him.
It sounds like this relationship is over.

[caringcarer]

Walking on eggshells is no way to.live for you or your son. By calling off wedding so close to.date of service even if he changes his mind he will have taken all of the joy and excitement away from you that the build up to a wedding should have. He is not a nice person and certainly not trustworthy. In your shoes I would be visiting solicitor first thing in the morning. If need be find accommodation for you and your son and make him pay child maintenance. Put in claim for UC quickly as they take a while to process. I would not try to discuss marriage topic with him. Keep hold of your dignity and DON'T beg him to marry you. Move out asap. Make it clear to him he has broken off wedding and that means your life together as well. Good luck OP tell your friends in real life and let them support you through this. You may not think this now but you have dodged a bullet with this commitment phobe.

[Reallyimeanreally2022]

You dodged a bullet

[FinallyHere]

@UpAllNight100

I've spent all evening trying to talk, be kind and tell him that we can get through it. As we aren't married, I will get nothing s

I'm so sorry, OP, but that is no way to live. Don't try and talk him round. Best to face what has to be faced and build your life without him.

[SpindelWhorl]

From the OP's update at 10.30am:

I have brought a lot of difficulties into the relationship (literally crazy ex, preference for an open relationship, my elder son has medical needs). I have challenged him and I think he feels insecure about my feelings towards him

Now call me old fashioned, but if the OP's the one with the preference for an open relationship, then I don't blame her DP for backing away.

[HoppingPavlova]

You glibly throw in that your preference for an open relationship is a ‘difficulty’. I don’t blame him for having second thoughts tbh if this is the case.

[Gonnagetgoing]

@UpAllNight100

I think that he acts out and doesn't know how to express his emotions, i think he could do with some counselling to help with that, but I don't think he is abusive.
We were both damaged from our previous marriages, and I have brought a lot of difficulties into the relationship (literally crazy ex, preference for an open relationship, my elder son has medical needs). I have challenged him and I think he feels insecure about my feelings towards him.
With it happening before, I mean 4 or 5 times in the last 4 yrs. He did have reasons to doubt me.
He feels like he freaked out and he does want to get married. Maybe he needed to see that i would fight for him and am committed to him.
Honestly don't know now. Will give it a day or so.
I have just started working and that has been a massive change for us.
I co-own a house nearby, with my brother who lives abroad. So I would move there. Its smaller and cheaper to run. My name isn't on anything otherwise.
Hope that answers a lot of questions.
I feel exhaused and drained and need to see how we go.

With this update re open relationship and the fact that you co-own a house nearby with brother who lives abroad then you don’t seem as stuffed as you would be otherwise.

As you have a 7 year old child together you should get maintenance for him.

I’d see a solicitor specialising in family matters and see what they say.

To be honest with your update especially re open relationship etc I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to get married and he’s extricating himself from the ties re that.

[LizzieSiddal]

To be honest with your update especially re open relationship etc I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to get married and he’s extricating himself from the ties re that.

I agree, there seems to be a lot of issues here, getting married will not solve them and he is right to call off the wedding.

[oakleaffy]

@LizzieSiddal

To be honest with your update especially re open relationship etc I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to get married and he’s extricating himself from the ties re that.

I agree, there seems to be a lot of issues here, getting married will not solve them and he is right to call off the wedding.

Agreed- It sounds like a very poor foundation for a contented marriage.
Even when partners are faithful, it’s tricky enough.

I don’t blame him now, either.

Fidelity is really important to many people.

[beigebrownblue]

Are you insured? And who pays for the wedding if you aren't?
I still wouldn't get married but I would chase this up.

[Lordamighty]

Whatever happens UpAllNight100 you need to work on your own financial security, you owe it to your DCs.
Personally I wouldn’t trust this man with my future happiness but obviously that is your choice to make.

[TatianaBis]

In view of the open relationship - it may be that rather than being afraid of commitment he doesn't want to commit to an open marriage and would be more comfortable in a one on one.

It's not uncommon in open relationships for one partner to be more into it than the other. One wants it and the other goes along with it to keep the relationship.

[UpAllNight100]

Clarification, we don't have an open relationship. I am faithful. i just don't feel that monogamy is the only way to live and i am more sexually adventurous than he is. This makes him worry that monogamy won't always be enough for me, despite reassurances

[ClawedButler]

Sounds to me like you're just wrong for each other.

Are both boys yours, one from previous relationship one with him? If you've got a place to go that's standing empty, just go.

[TatianaBis]

I can see fear of what may happen in the future would put someone off marriage, even if it's not happening right now.

[HoppingPavlova]

It just doesn’t sound like you are compatible. He is probably sensible in wanting to apply the brakes.