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Original poster

5 days to the wedding. He just ended it.

165 replies

UpAllNight100 · 21/10/2021 00:59

I think my partner has just ended it. I can't sleep, he is in the spare room. He has a stepson, 12, and a son, 7. We have been together for ten years. Finally planned a wedding, just for us, no people. But he just said he thinks we should separate and then see if we can work it out. I don't feel like he can keep me hanging on when he has cancelled the wedding with days to go. My 7 yr old went to bed saying how excited he is as only 5 sleeps. Boys will be distraught.

OP posts:

CandyLeBonBon · 21/10/2021 07:44

Wow. I'm so sorry op. I hope you get some answers

Billandben444 · 21/10/2021 07:44

Please don't move out, if he wants to split then he can pack a bag and go. Your children (are they both yours?) will feel more upset at losing their home as well. I hope you have a calm discussion this morning and, for all your sakes, he stays somewhere else while you both sort out the financial logistics of splitting. I think you know deep down that it's over and I'm sorry 💐

WakeMeUpin22 · 21/10/2021 07:50

He tells you "let's separate" every time something goes wrong? That's emotional abuse. It's your turn to tell him you agree. No matter how much you love someone, if you're constantly walking around on eggshells and the other person keeps trying to end it, it's not worth your mental health. Big hugs. Be strong.

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UndeadSlut · 21/10/2021 07:54

@rwalker

It takes balls to pullout of getting married 5 days before.

Loud and clear he doesn't want to get married .

I have a different viewpoint - I think he DOES want to get married (for reasons of control etc, not because he loves the OP) and is counting on OP being so desperate to not call the wedding off that she will throw herself at his feet promising the earth. He will then hold her to this for the rest of their lives together, much as he has done for the duration of their relationship so far. Up until now it's been "we're fighting, guess we should split up..." If the wedding goes ahead it'll be "I didn't even want to get married remember, but I did it FOR YOU, now you wouldn't want to get divorced would you..."

I strongly advise you not to marry this man OP. Don't let him decide, tell him he's right, you shouldn't get married you should split up.

PurpleOkapi · 21/10/2021 07:56

@WakeMeUpin22

Only wanting to be with someone when they're nice to you may be immature, but I don't think it's abuse. It might be if he didn't mean it and was only saying it to control or punish her for things, but I don't think that's the case. Reading between the lines, it sounds like an endless cycle of him wanting to end it, saying so, then OP begging or cajoling or ultimatuming or guilting him into staying and, eventually, agreeing to marry her. Wanting to leave one's partner but being insufficiently strong-willed to follow through isn't "abuse," and neither is voicing those feelings.

RosesAndHellebores · 21/10/2021 07:57

He has a 12 year old step son and a 7 year old son. Doesn't sound like a reliable track record to me op. Was he married to the other women? Does he provide for his children?

I assume only your 7 year old lives with you.

Sounds like he has done you a ginormous favour.

GertrudeCB · 21/10/2021 07:57

Where exactly does he think you can move out to ?

GertrudeCB · 21/10/2021 07:58

@UndeadSlut has hit the nail on the head.

AnkleDeep · 21/10/2021 07:59

Gather your pride and tell him he as to move out, as it's his choice.

Honeyroar · 21/10/2021 07:59

Hope you managed to get some sleep. Keep your head clear and decide what you think now. And get some support from friends. This happened to me years ago. You will get through it.

MyOtherProfile · 21/10/2021 08:01

@RosesAndHellebores I think the step son might be OPs son because she mentioned her boys.

@UpAllNight100 is the house rented? Why should he be the one to stay on his own there? He needs to leave and go somewhere else and let you and the DC stay in the house.

3scape · 21/10/2021 08:03

My ex definitely manipulated things right up to a few days before the wedding to make sure I stayed "in line". It took having our children and me putting their needs above his as I'd already neglected mine.

Put your child first. They need reliable adults and stability. His hot and cold approach is never going to be that.

DuvetDayIsEveryDay · 21/10/2021 08:08

Oh this is shit.. but it doesn't sound like a great relationship?

Maybe, in the long run this could be seen as a good thing?

OP.

Couchpotato3 · 21/10/2021 08:09

Look on this as your opportunity to escape an unsatisfactory relationship and set a good example to your children. Far better to leave now than end up in a bad marriage. He is showing his true colours and you are well rid of him. Real friends will understand and back you up. Anyone who has anything nasty to say is t worth the airtime.

Fluffycloudland77 · 21/10/2021 08:10

Ok well best of luck to him finding Mary popping as his next partner!

IndecentCakes · 21/10/2021 08:10

He can move out, try to keep the boys together if they both live with you though.
Don't leave your child there under any circumstances.

SnowyQueen · 21/10/2021 08:14

@UpAllNight100 he means for me to move out and he live alone while he decides.

Who owns the house? Is it rented? He needs to move out to a hotel/friend’s house for a few nights and you stay with the dc. I’ve read your updates. He sounds awful. Don’t waste another 10 years with him.

TravelLost · 21/10/2021 08:14

@UpAllNight100

MinnieJackson he means for me to move out and he live alone while he decides. He hasn't mentiomed what that would change. I think its his fear of marriage and he is just trying to make it my fault. But if he does this, then there will be no going back for me. I don't want to say that because ultimatims are just forcing someone into something, but i know i couldn't forgive this

So he wants to uproot the dcs, for you to find somewhere else to live etc… basically no disturbance at all for him, no hard work etc…

All that in the name of ‘trying to make it work’…

Don’t believe a word of what he says @UpAllNight100

He is using leaving as a threat to keep you under control and walking on eggshells.

Regardless of what he says this am, getting married is NOT going to be a nice ending.

SnowyQueen · 21/10/2021 08:17

@RosesAndHellebores

He has a 12 year old step son and a 7 year old son. Doesn't sound like a reliable track record to me op. Was he married to the other women? Does he provide for his children?

I assume only your 7 year old lives with you.

Sounds like he has done you a ginormous favour.

OP said that the 12yo is her “d”p’s step son. I assume that that’s OP’s ds (and therefore p ss).

theremustonlybeone · 21/10/2021 08:19

It doesnt sound like a healthy relationship, you walk around on egg shells, cant say anything without him threatening to split. Perhaps it is time for you to decide whether this is the life you want. Not wait for him to decide whether your for him or not. Sounds like another attempt at making you stressed and anxious- its all about control. He sounds dreadful

knittingaddict · 21/10/2021 08:19

@rwalker

It takes balls to pullout of getting married 5 days before.

Loud and clear he doesn't want to get married .

It takes an arse to string op along for 10 years and then pull out 5 days before the wedding. I'm not sure his balls come into it at all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/10/2021 08:22

It sounds as if you’ve been walking on eggshells for years. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life even if it does work out?

Regardless of whose house this is, please ensure he’s the one moving out in the short term.

Lucythewonderdog · 21/10/2021 08:24

He never wanted marriage, he probably didn’t want children with you either but just went along with it. Sorry to be harsh but why oh why do so many women do this to themselves ? (convince themselves that once they are pregnant everything will be ok before having the marriage commitment that is)

Sleeplessem · 21/10/2021 08:32

Agree with all the comments on emotional abuse, it sounds like he’s scaring you into ‘behaving correctly’ and trying to teach you a lesson or punishing you when do you don’t. You don’t need that bollox In your life, neither do you boys.

It sounds, at best he’s ambivalent towards marriage, probably because the current scenario benefits him more, he has more control to threaten you with splitting up, he has the home and the cash. I doubt v v much that if you got married this behaviour would stop. I’d get legal advice on where you sit financially and start moving your money into your name.

Is he the father of one of your boys? X

PurpleOkapi · 21/10/2021 08:33

It takes an arse to string op along for 10 years and then pull out 5 days before the wedding. I'm not sure his balls come into it at all.

Being with someone but not wanting to marry them isn't "stringing them along." OP said they were "finally" planning a wedding, so it's not like they've been nominally engaged this whole time. Yes, it would've been better if he'd just told her "no" before now, but they do have a child together, so that was a strong incentive to try to make it work.

He's spent the past several years telling her he wants to break up constantly, but somehow that never made OP stop and question whether marrying him was really wise. She seems to have tunnel vision focused on the goal of getting married, damn the consequences. Even now, it sounds like she'd happily marry him in 5 days as long as he shows up and says the words. That makes me wonder what else she was ignoring or steamrolling over.

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