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5 days to the wedding. He just ended it.

165 replies

UpAllNight100 · 21/10/2021 00:59

I think my partner has just ended it. I can't sleep, he is in the spare room. He has a stepson, 12, and a son, 7. We have been together for ten years. Finally planned a wedding, just for us, no people. But he just said he thinks we should separate and then see if we can work it out. I don't feel like he can keep me hanging on when he has cancelled the wedding with days to go. My 7 yr old went to bed saying how excited he is as only 5 sleeps. Boys will be distraught.

OP posts:

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Azerothi · 21/10/2021 08:36

Why haven't you wanted to marry your boyfriend before now?

Balonziaga · 21/10/2021 08:37

Completely agree with @UndeadSlut

He wants you to panic and acquiesce to a marriage on his terms before you've even had the wedding. He is showing you that he is prepared to put you through hell so that you are so deperate for the status quo to return, that you will do it on his terms.

WTF you can't ask about bad moods.

I actually HONESTLY think this has done you a favour. It's so transparently about control and he has given you just enough time to save yourself from a miserable marriage.

You even said that 'you'd be fine, but the kids will be upset'. Well I promise you - not as upset as they'd be watching their mum get worn down year after year. Seriously, they are excited about the wedding - not your marriage. Book a holiday - they can look forward to that instead.

It's shit but I'm sort of glad for you that he has shown you who he is.

Best of luck OP

DandyHighwayWoman · 21/10/2021 08:37

@UpAllNight100

Thanks, I don't have any family, my mum died last year. I think its the living on eggshells thing that makes me think we are def done. The wedding wouldn't feel rught even if we did go ahead, and i would always resent him for putting me through this.
I know i will be ok, but my kids will be heartbroken.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, please get some legal advice ASAP.

2Two · 21/10/2021 08:40

Being with someone but not wanting to marry them isn't "stringing them along'

Being with someone, not wanting to marry them, but planning a wedding with them, is definitely stringing them along.

girlmom21 · 21/10/2021 08:50

@2Two

Being with someone but not wanting to marry them isn't "stringing them along'

Being with someone, not wanting to marry them, but planning a wedding with them, is definitely stringing them along.

Considering it's a wedding with just the two of them, and maybe the boys, I can't imagine there was much planning involved to be fair.

OP please talk to him today.

SpindelWhorl · 21/10/2021 08:53

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, please get some legal advice ASAP.

Just to reiterate this.

You might not be married, but having a child with him who needs to be housed and maintained gives you some (limited) rights. But you need to talk to a solicitor.

TrollsAreSaddos · 21/10/2021 09:01

It is sad for the boys but staying with someone who is moody and controlling is far worse. I don't understand why you wanted to marry him if he was so moody and you had to walk on eggshells around him.

DeclineandFall · 21/10/2021 09:06

he means for me to move out and he live alone while he decides

He is, in effect, chucking you out. You and the boys deserve better than this OP. He is a total shit. Don't be fooled by crumbs of comfort he may throw you now. Do not marry him and make plans to leave.

Beautiful3 · 21/10/2021 09:14

I think you have a lucky escape. Cancel the wedding and tell everyone you've separated. Do you own the home or is it in his name only? If its not in your name then find somewhere for you and your son to live, if you have the funds.

TokyoSushi · 21/10/2021 09:21

Oh OP, as awful as this is just now, it sounds like it might actually be for the best. Please don't wait around to see what he decides. Sending you lots of luck.

ShinyHappyPoster · 21/10/2021 09:31

He's being an arse who always wants you on the back foot, feeling insecure and doing the pick-me dance.
Were you marrying him because you loved him? Or were you marrying him for legal and financial security?
If this is about love then tell him to leave. Cancel the wedding.
If this was about legal and financial security, then let him huff, puff and come back round. Marry him. Then put everything in place and leave at a time of your choosing.
What you can't allow him to do is cancel the wedding but keep living together.

Kiduknot · 21/10/2021 09:35

Go with dignity. If it’s last minute nerves, he’ll realise.

Laila747 · 21/10/2021 09:52

Sending you hugs OP. I hope things work out for the best for you and the DC.

I do think he’s cruel though. Personally I wouldn’t want a life with a man like that 💐

Branleuse · 21/10/2021 09:53

im really sorry youre goign through this. Yes kids will be dissapointed but its neither your fault nor something you can do anything about.
"kids ive got something to tell you. I know youre going to be sad and dissapointed, but ive got no choice but to let you know, that we are not going to be having the wedding. Mum and dad have been trying to keep it going and thought it was the right thing to do, but it isnt and its best that we find this out now than after the wedding. Its a tricky time but we are all going to be ok. I'll make sure of it"

Honestly OP, it sounds like hes had one foot out of the door for ages, and youve done the classic "a wedding will fix this". It sucks. It really does.

Theunamedcat · 21/10/2021 09:55

Is the housecin joint names? do you work and have your own money? Do you have anywhere to go?

If you and the kids can leave I would personally

No need to give him an ultimatum just multi text everyone and Facebook announce that he has cancelled the wedding and say you will get back to people with your new address in due course

Do not take the blame for this

MarshmallowSwede · 21/10/2021 09:58

Just call his bluff. It could be cold feet. Who knows. But as others have said don’t beg or plead.

I would make plans to leave and go from there. I think in situations like this men expect the woman to beg, so just act as if you agree and get on with planning a life without him. You might surprise yourself and realise that you actually don’t want to marry him either.

DameMaureen · 21/10/2021 10:02

@UpAllNight100 you sound as if you were already aware of his bad behaviour prior to this and you were probably hoping he /things were going to improve hence you agreeing to get married . We've all been in situations where we have acted like this to some degree . I think you know now though that he is a twat and you deserve better . Best of luck with it all .

BobLemon · 21/10/2021 10:11

I’m going to go against the grain and say I hope you do get married.

It sounds like this relationship is doomed, but at least you may have a bit more financial security coming out of a marriage rather than separating as an unmarried couple.

ThirdElephant · 21/10/2021 10:12

@BobLemon

I’m going to go against the grain and say I hope you do get married.

It sounds like this relationship is doomed, but at least you may have a bit more financial security coming out of a marriage rather than separating as an unmarried couple.

I thought this but wasn't brave enough to say it.

littlepinkwinky · 21/10/2021 10:17

I'm so sorry that you're sad and worried but, seriously, run like fuck. He's a twat. Think of it as surgery - it will be painful and messy, then you'll heal and be so grateful and relieved that you did it. Best of luck.

UpAllNight100 · 21/10/2021 10:17

I think that he acts out and doesn't know how to express his emotions, i think he could do with some counselling to help with that, but I don't think he is abusive.
We were both damaged from our previous marriages, and I have brought a lot of difficulties into the relationship (literally crazy ex, preference for an open relationship, my elder son has medical needs). I have challenged him and I think he feels insecure about my feelings towards him.
With it happening before, I mean 4 or 5 times in the last 4 yrs. He did have reasons to doubt me.
He feels like he freaked out and he does want to get married. Maybe he needed to see that i would fight for him and am committed to him.
Honestly don't know now. Will give it a day or so.
I have just started working and that has been a massive change for us.
I co-own a house nearby, with my brother who lives abroad. So I would move there. Its smaller and cheaper to run. My name isn't on anything otherwise.
Hope that answers a lot of questions.
I feel exhaused and drained and need to see how we go.

OP posts:

Irishfarmer · 21/10/2021 10:20

I'd have been so upset if something like that had happened 5 days before my wedding! Surely these things could have been discussed sooner.

You need to talk to him today, find out why he said that. If that is his usual fall back in a disagreement then he is not able to have a conversation like an adult! In a marriage you need to be able to discuss things even if you disagree. Get to the bottom of it. Was it just a silly argument? Nerves?

Whatever you do, do not move out of the house, regardless of if it is his alone. Married or not, you have been living there so you do have rights, as do your children, especially the 7 yr old who is his child.

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SpindelWhorl · 21/10/2021 10:26

preference for an open relationship

Could you clarify exactly who has the preference for the open relationship, @UpAllNight100? I feel a bit confused now.

WaltzingBetty · 21/10/2021 10:30

@UpAllNight100

I think that he acts out and doesn't know how to express his emotions, i think he could do with some counselling to help with that, but I don't think he is abusive.
We were both damaged from our previous marriages, and I have brought a lot of difficulties into the relationship (literally crazy ex, preference for an open relationship, my elder son has medical needs). I have challenged him and I think he feels insecure about my feelings towards him.
With it happening before, I mean 4 or 5 times in the last 4 yrs. He did have reasons to doubt me.
He feels like he freaked out and he does want to get married. Maybe he needed to see that i would fight for him and am committed to him.
Honestly don't know now. Will give it a day or so.
I have just started working and that has been a massive change for us.
I co-own a house nearby, with my brother who lives abroad. So I would move there. Its smaller and cheaper to run. My name isn't on anything otherwise.
Hope that answers a lot of questions.
I feel exhaused and drained and need to see how we go.

Tbh this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for either of you

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 21/10/2021 10:35

Would it even be legal to go ahead with the marriage now? It sounds as though you’re being coerced into going ahead with something you may regret by the threat of imminent eviction.

Doesn’t coercion invalidate the marriage?

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