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Original poster

5 days to the wedding. He just ended it.

165 replies

UpAllNight100 · 21/10/2021 00:59

I think my partner has just ended it. I can't sleep, he is in the spare room. He has a stepson, 12, and a son, 7. We have been together for ten years. Finally planned a wedding, just for us, no people. But he just said he thinks we should separate and then see if we can work it out. I don't feel like he can keep me hanging on when he has cancelled the wedding with days to go. My 7 yr old went to bed saying how excited he is as only 5 sleeps. Boys will be distraught.

OP posts:
Original poster
UpAllNight100 · 21/10/2021 05:39

LaurenKelsey yes, can never ask why he is grumpy, just accept that he can have his irrational moods.
Honestly if it weren't for the kids, i think i'd be ok. I won't be able to put off telling them, will have to be today if he is still serious when he wakes up.

OP posts:
Original poster
UpAllNight100 · 21/10/2021 05:42

MinnieJackson he means for me to move out and he live alone while he decides. He hasn't mentiomed what that would change. I think its his fear of marriage and he is just trying to make it my fault. But if he does this, then there will be no going back for me. I don't want to say that because ultimatims are just forcing someone into something, but i know i couldn't forgive this

OP posts:
PurpleOkapi · 21/10/2021 05:45

I don't think an ultimatum is the right solution here. An ultimatum is "I'll (only) stay with you if you marry me." You shouldn't be promising to stay with him at all at this point, no matter what he says or does. I'm sorry, OP, but men who want to get married don't take 10 years to get around to it. How much of this was really his doing, and how much of it was yours? If you'd never mentioned the word "marriage," would he have ever proposed? You might be able to somehow or other convince him to go through with it, but the real problem is that he doesn't want to get married. Convincing him to do it anyway won't solve that.

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Relationship problems
madisonbridges · 21/10/2021 05:50

It sounds to me like he's been moving towards this for some time and he's looking for ways to make it look like it's your fault he's jumped. From what you're saying, that you have to watch what you say, it would seem that your problems go much deeper than concerns over a wedding ceremony. Marriage would bring you security but it won't stave off you splitting up. And is a separation really going to solve the problems or will it just make it easier to not get back together?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/10/2021 06:09

he means for me to move out and he live alone while he decides

WHILE HE DECIDES?

Fuck that. I'm assuming he's also wanting you to take with you, or has he volunteered to keep a roof over their heads?

No? Thought not.

He's using this minor row as an excuse to get out of the wedding. He doesn't want to get married but didn't have the guts to tell you. You are better off without this cowardly piece of shit.

Call your friends today for some real life support.

I'm really sorry he's done this to you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/10/2021 06:10

Sorry, typo. I meant to say I'm assuming he's also wanting you to take the kids with you.

PurpleOkapi · 21/10/2021 06:15

To be fair, I think he's been trying to tell her for years, and she hasn't been listening. When someone's response to every argument for years on end is "we should break up," it's not a huge leap to conclude that maybe they do really want to break up.

speakout · 21/10/2021 06:23

Do you own your property?
Assests?
Do you work?
So you have two children, the youngest is his?
You need to talk in the morning, but don't let him dictate the situation.
Having a family without marriage can be financially risky but can be done.
OH and I have two kids- been together for 25 years, never married, and I gave up my job for many years to look after our children.
But- we put the the house into my name alone, all assets and savings were in my name too. I was the one taking the risk, so I made sure I was protected.

mathanxiety · 21/10/2021 06:59

Honestly if it weren't for the kids, i think i'd be ok. I won't be able to put off telling them, will have to be today if he is still serious when he wakes up.

@UpAllNight100 - are you seriously waiting for his word on whether the wedding goes ahead?

You are going to get married or not get married depending on the clicking of his fingers?

How would you explain that situation to a child? To a good friend who had your interests at heart?

Your relationship is deeply unequal and your partner is deliberately making you miserable.

Don't use the kids as an excuse to stay tethered to this man. You have a choice about living with abuse. They do not.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/10/2021 07:07

@UpAllNight100

Thanks, I don't have any family, my mum died last year. I think its the living on eggshells thing that makes me think we are def done. The wedding wouldn't feel rught even if we did go ahead, and i would always resent him for putting me through this. I know i will be ok, but my kids will be heartbroken.
I think you are right, this sounds all kind of wrong. It's devastating for you though but I do think you have to show that you are not going to tolerate this behaviour any more. That he isn't doing you a favour by marrying you, you are doing him a favour and if he wants to behave like this you'll find someone who treats you properly. I've learnt not to trust men with anything, they are not like us.
Eddielzzard · 21/10/2021 07:07

Living on eggshells not being able to questioning anything isn't a way to live. I think the best thing is to take him at his word last night and leave. You will regret marrying him Yes, you'll get a share of assets, but a very high price to pay.

TicTac80 · 21/10/2021 07:09

Hope you managed to get some sleep. He sounds like a nightmare. And I think you've got a very lucky escape opportunity here. He uses threats of splitting up every time you "dare" to get cross, and you've been walking on eggshells for years. That doesn't sound great, or like a good partnership at all. Please don't put yourself through more of that. I promise you that it's a lot harder having to sort through the mess of divorce.

Speak to your friends, let them support you through this, and please don't be ashamed or embarrassed about him ending things (I think that you will thank him for it one day). Is the house owned by him or is it rented?

WaltzingBetty · 21/10/2021 07:13

Does he often use threats to control your behaviour?

He does not sound like a good man and marrying him so the kids aren't disappointed is crazy.

Take control and tell him the weddings off

BeStillNowColin · 21/10/2021 07:16

Why do you have to move out with 2 children? Surely he is the one, a single person, he ended it, he moves out. Unless he owns the property you are living in then you need legal advice asap.

What is it you want?

Do you think he can't handle conflict so he goes straight to let's end this as a way out of the argument rather than a way out of the relationship?

SunshineCake1 · 21/10/2021 07:16

You poor thing but I promise you in the future you will be so glad you had this last minute escape. He's been showing you he is a bad prospect for a long time and now you see it.

Don't let him bullshit the boys. He isn't the boss of you so he gets to decide nothing to do with you and only gets to jointly decide his son's situation.

He wants you to go while he decides. Okay. You go while he looks after his son. Take yours, I know it will hurt to leave yours but he doesn't get to shirk his responsibilities. Stat looking today for somewhere to stay, if you were my friend or relative there's a bed here for you and your son. Look into benefits. If you work ask for a few days off compassionate leave.

You've got this by the very virtue of being a woman and a mum and we all know that makes you strong when you need it.

Take care and good luck.

PerseverancePays · 21/10/2021 07:17

Please don’t marry him, he’s not a keeper. Walking on eggshells is wrong.

MissyB1 · 21/10/2021 07:18

You can’t marry him now no matter what he says because you know he doesn’t really want to get married. You also know he’s an emotional abuser.
Do not I repeat NOT leave that house without your child. I’m presuming the youngest is yours?

GiantHaystacks2021 · 21/10/2021 07:19

Leave with your DS.
The DSS can stay with him.

Don't look back. This has to be the end of it.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 21/10/2021 07:20

This all about control
Take it back whilst you have the chance

astoundedgoat · 21/10/2021 07:21

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

"Dodged a bullet" isn't really applicable here because he's been putting you through this manipulation for the last 10 years of your life, but finally you have a very clear break point, and you can leave, knowing that he is abusive and manipulative, and that you can get on with your life.

Don't be ashamed to speak to your friends - he's the one to be ashamed, not you. You're lovely. He's an abusive bastard.

Do you work? Are you on the mortgage/tenancy agreement?

Both of the children are yours, is that correct?

If you take him back after this, he will know that he has a carte blanche to keep you in line for the rest of your life by hanging anything he likes over your head.

It's time to take back control.

hugs

Twickerhun · 21/10/2021 07:22

Oh OP. What a horrible situation to be in. It sounds like you need to have a straight conversation with him over practicalities. You and the kids can’t move out whilst he decides. You both have to decide and you need to know what you are entitled to before you move yourself and your children out (assuming he owns the house and the kids are yours not his).

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/10/2021 07:28

If the kids are yours you don't have to move out or do anything. Give him some proper grief. What a prick.

Porfre · 21/10/2021 07:31

Personally from what you've said.

Even if he did change his mind I dont think it would be a good idea to get married to him.

I think he has destroyed what little chance of a relationship you have.

Now what you should tell him, rather than wait for him to make any decisions.

He needs to move out while you make a decision on your future.

Get support from family and friends.
Unless he wants to kick you and the kids out he is going to have to move out.

I think he has engineered this argument to get out of the wedding but probably still wants to be in a relationship. Dont go begging to him. And when he comes begging to you- kick him to the kerb. You are worth a lot more than this.

rwalker · 21/10/2021 07:32

It takes balls to pullout of getting married 5 days before.

Loud and clear he doesn't want to get married .

oakleaffy · 21/10/2021 07:40

There are many people, both men and women who never really want to marry.
Often one party pushes and pleads for marriage, and the other gives in reluctantly, after years of tears and pressure.
I bet he never wanted to marry, and is looking for a way out.

In my experience, men especially “Pressured “ into marriage become far worse after the marriage- and it rarely lasts.

Don’t marry him!
Make a fresh start.