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Original poster

5 days to the wedding. He just ended it.

165 replies

UpAllNight100 · 21/10/2021 00:59

I think my partner has just ended it. I can't sleep, he is in the spare room. He has a stepson, 12, and a son, 7. We have been together for ten years. Finally planned a wedding, just for us, no people. But he just said he thinks we should separate and then see if we can work it out. I don't feel like he can keep me hanging on when he has cancelled the wedding with days to go. My 7 yr old went to bed saying how excited he is as only 5 sleeps. Boys will be distraught.

OP posts:
speakout · 21/10/2021 12:28

i just don't feel that monogamy is the only way to live and i am more sexually adventurous than he is. This makes him worry that monogamy won't always be enough for me, despite reassurances

I can understand his concerns. You are not convinced that being faithful to one partner is important.
It is for many people- maybe he is one who thinks monogomy is important.

fumfspos · 21/10/2021 12:36

Clarification, we don't have an open relationship. I am faithful. i just don't feel that monogamy is the only way to live and i am more sexually adventurous than he is. This makes him worry that monogamy won't always be enough for me, despite reassurances

You two don't sound compatible. Sorry.

Gonnagetgoing · 21/10/2021 12:40

@UpAllNight100

Clarification, we don't have an open relationship. I am faithful. i just don't feel that monogamy is the only way to live and i am more sexually adventurous than he is. This makes him worry that monogamy won't always be enough for me, despite reassurances
So then why post about open relationships?! If someone I'd been in a relationship with, especially for a long period of time expressed doubts (presumably recently) re monogamy not being enough then yes, I would definitely think about calling off a marriage to this person and I think non monogamy would make him feel insecure in his relationship to you.

Coupled with your additional issues with him with moods/silences etc I think you should call it a day now. I personally think there would be too many obstacles now in the way for you to think about therapy/Relate etc going forward.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
CharlotteRose90 · 21/10/2021 12:41

At first I was on your side till you answered the comments sorry. I think he’s done the right thing actually even if it’s 5 days before the wedding. Without marrying you he doesn’t have to worry about handing over half his house and he doesn’t have to be pressured to have an open relationship when he clearly doesn’t want too. For him to have doubts on that you must have said or done something. Good on him for wanting to protect himself. You aren’t compatible so need to split. You move back to your place and sort maintenance out for your son together. I hope you have insurance for your wedding too.

tribpot · 21/10/2021 12:43

I have just started working and that has been a massive change for us.
Hmm, wants to get out of having to pull his weight at home?

He's actually suggesting you and two children move out of the family home so he can have it to himself? It's definitely time to see a lawyer. Fortunately it sounds like you can move out but I would still resist upheaving the kids at this stage - could he move to the other property at least whilst things are resolved?

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/10/2021 12:50

You’re more sexually adventurous. You’ve made him aware of this. You’ve also tried to reassure him he’s enough despite preferring open relationships.

I wouldn’t be able to cope with having you as a partner. I’m with him on this. The way he treats you is definitely wrong. It sounds as though he feels inadequate and is lashing out.

FortunesFave · 21/10/2021 12:50

@SpindelWhorl

preference for an open relationship

Could you clarify exactly who has the preference for the open relationship, @UpAllNight100? I feel a bit confused now.

OP does.
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 21/10/2021 12:51

@UpAllNight100

I think that he acts out and doesn't know how to express his emotions, i think he could do with some counselling to help with that, but I don't think he is abusive. We were both damaged from our previous marriages, and I have brought a lot of difficulties into the relationship (literally crazy ex, preference for an open relationship, my elder son has medical needs). I have challenged him and I think he feels insecure about my feelings towards him. With it happening before, I mean 4 or 5 times in the last 4 yrs. He did have reasons to doubt me. He feels like he freaked out and he does want to get married. Maybe he needed to see that i would fight for him and am committed to him. Honestly don't know now. Will give it a day or so. I have just started working and that has been a massive change for us. I co-own a house nearby, with my brother who lives abroad. So I would move there. Its smaller and cheaper to run. My name isn't on anything otherwise. Hope that answers a lot of questions. I feel exhaused and drained and need to see how we go.

You have a job, a home, you're not as keen on marriage as being exclusive as he is and you say he did/does have valid reasons to doubt your commitment.

So why would you be marrying him? I think that a lot of people would be wondering if it was always about the legal rights in the event of him not wanting you to unilaterally 'open up the marriage' fuck somebody else as soon as it's financial disaster for him to say 'I want a divorce'.

wombatspoopcubes · 21/10/2021 12:52

@UpAllNight100

Clarification, we don't have an open relationship. I am faithful. i just don't feel that monogamy is the only way to live and i am more sexually adventurous than he is. This makes him worry that monogamy won't always be enough for me, despite reassurances
Either you are faithful or you're not. "Reassurances" while you don't believe in monogamy would be a deal breaker for many people.
FortunesFave · 21/10/2021 12:52

@tribpot

I have just started working and that has been a massive change for us. Hmm, wants to get out of having to pull his weight at home?

He's actually suggesting you and two children move out of the family home so he can have it to himself? It's definitely time to see a lawyer. Fortunately it sounds like you can move out but I would still resist upheaving the kids at this stage - could he move to the other property at least whilst things are resolved?

It seems like it's his house...and only one of the children is OPs. The older one is her partner's.

OP also owns or part owns another property with her brother...that one is nothing to do with her partner...he's got the house they're all currently living in... so she's not out on her ear.

speakout · 21/10/2021 12:55

If you were to marry and then split OP- your OH could have a claim against the house you own with your brother.
You and your OH both have financial security to consider.

justasking111 · 21/10/2021 12:57

@UpAllNight100

Clarification, we don't have an open relationship. I am faithful. i just don't feel that monogamy is the only way to live and i am more sexually adventurous than he is. This makes him worry that monogamy won't always be enough for me, despite reassurances
Well I wouldn't marry a man who thought like this.
Nondescriptname · 21/10/2021 13:01

If he has doubts, for any of the reasons being put forward by posters here or for any other reasons, he should say so instead of having a tantrum over something trivial.

You need to talk to him and find out what's really bothering him.

ancientgran · 21/10/2021 13:31

I don't think it is that unusual for people to get the wobbles before a wedding. I went to one wedding, probably 40 years ago, and the groom was really late. It was horrible standing there with the bride and no one knowing what was going on. He was with his brother, the best man, and wasn't sure he wanted to go through with it. He did turn up, everyone just pretended they understood that traffic was bad, I mean he was two hours late and lived about 30 minutes away. The Registrar was really good and fitted them in, I guess they've seen it all.

Anyway the point of that is they are one of the happiest couples I know. They are retired now and have had a good marriage.

Maybe there is hope if it's what you want. I hope you work it out.

TatianaBis · 21/10/2021 13:52

@speakout

If you were to marry and then split OP- your OH could have a claim against the house you own with your brother. You and your OH both have financial security to consider.
I agree. If you own your own home OP what is the actual benefit to you marrying & potentially having to split the house with him?

This doesn't sound like a relationship that is likely to last anyway.

RevolvingPivot · 21/10/2021 13:58

@oakleaffy

Just spoken to a male colleague about this and he said straight off the bat that it will likely be one of these things: 1, He doesn’t feel they are compatible any longer, 2, He wants to shag about 3, There is someone else in his sights.

Either way, don’t marry this man, as he will always be resentful- and it it will likely end in divorce in a year or so.

It’s a crap situation- Ideally he should have said from get go he didn’t want marriage.

A wealthy woman I know of refuses to marry the father of her children simply because she wants to protect her assets, so it cuts both ways.

WTF!!!
supersop60 · 21/10/2021 13:58

It sounds like this is for the best. You don't sound compatible, and I don't think I saw anywhere the words ' I love him'.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/10/2021 14:09

What a tangled web. I wouldn’t marry you either. I’m not sure why you’d bother given your views on monogamy.

It sounds like he’s walking on eggshells too and might have felt strung along. He’s also been supporting you and two children, only one of which is his.

I don’t think you’ve done badly out of it from the sounds of things so just concede defeat and walk away. How lucky you already own a house he has no rights to that you can move straight into…

RevolvingPivot · 21/10/2021 14:14

If being monogamous isn't for you I wouldn't get married. Did you feel this way with your first husband?

TractorAndHeadphones · 21/10/2021 14:29

Wow this is the first time I haven’t been 100% on OP’s side in these sort of threads.
I can see why he doesn’t want to marry you. Very late for him to have realised this but I can see why.

HappyDays101010 · 21/10/2021 14:53

I think Mumsnet is very pro monogamy, so you probably won’t be liking the current answers,
.

But, why do you want to be with someone who threatens to split up at the first sign of trouble? He should be able to pull that kind of stunt twice at the max.

Cameleongirl · 21/10/2021 15:00

@fumfspos

I co-own a house nearby, with my brother who lives abroad. So I would move there. Its smaller and cheaper to run. My name isn't on anything otherwise.

Go there. Just leave him.
I know it will be awful for the children but they will be ok. Far worse to be living in a house with a bad atmosphere all the time.

You wanted an open relationship anyway. Perhaps he felt you weren't committed enough to him.
It sounds like this relationship is over.

I agree, @fumfspos. With the OP's updates, they don't sound compatible and she has somewhere to live. End it now and get on with your lives.
NewlyGranny · 21/10/2021 15:16

Wow, ancientgran, that groom who was two hours late to the wedding!

Had I been the bride, he would have found me gone. I'd give it an hour, for traffic or accident, but no longer, unless I heard something convincing. That poor woman.

Do you know how the marriage turned out?

TrollsAreSaddos · 21/10/2021 15:26

@UpAllNight100

Clarification, we don't have an open relationship. I am faithful. i just don't feel that monogamy is the only way to live and i am more sexually adventurous than he is. This makes him worry that monogamy won't always be enough for me, despite reassurances
I'm surprised that you didn't think that was relevant to mention in your OP. I wouldn't want to get married to someone who thought like this too. It's too messy and confusing. Basically you are saying that you are prepared to be faithful but you would prefer not to be - that wouldn't be ok for me. I think you and your partner should split up and stay single for a good long time. There seems to be way too much history and damage around to be trying to complicate things with relationships. Concentrate on yourself and your kids.
Cameleongirl · 21/10/2021 15:27

@ancientgran

I don't think it is that unusual for people to get the wobbles before a wedding. I went to one wedding, probably 40 years ago, and the groom was really late. It was horrible standing there with the bride and no one knowing what was going on. He was with his brother, the best man, and wasn't sure he wanted to go through with it. He did turn up, everyone just pretended they understood that traffic was bad, I mean he was two hours late and lived about 30 minutes away. The Registrar was really good and fitted them in, I guess they've seen it all.

Anyway the point of that is they are one of the happiest couples I know. They are retired now and have had a good marriage.

Maybe there is hope if it's what you want. I hope you work it out.

It sounds like an Eastenders/Corrie plot line....except they wouldn't have lived happily ever after in the soaps, something "nasty" would ruin it! Grin