5 days to the wedding. He just ended it.

[UpAllNight100]

I think my partner has just ended it. I can't sleep, he is in the spare room. He has a stepson, 12, and a son, 7. We have been together for ten years. Finally planned a wedding, just for us, no people. But he just said he thinks we should separate and then see if we can work it out. I don't feel like he can keep me hanging on when he has cancelled the wedding with days to go. My 7 yr old went to bed saying how excited he is as only 5 sleeps. Boys will be distraught.

[danblack87]

No sugar coating /// you two are obviously not compatible - squabbles aside He doesn't trust you ... Move on and be 'free'. Why marry someone if you want to be monogamous !!! It just does not make sense - it's like 'I am doing it for the children and security' NOT for Love and for better/worse, rich or poorer, etc.

[PurpleOkapi]

Called it. Well, not the open marriage bit. OP, I'm sure he has real feelings for you, or he wouldn't have stuck around this long. But he also has deep, well-grounded fears about your compatibility and long-term happiness. He's been literally telling you that for years, and you don't seem to have realized it, because you're more focused on convincing him to marry you than on actually addressing any of the issues that make him not want to. You two aren't compatible, and browbeating him into marrying you won't change that.

Also, no one should marry someone's who's cheated on them "4 or 5 times," whether said person "believes in monogamy" or not.

[FortunesFave]

Why would you want to get married if you don't believe in monogamy?

Is it just a financial thing?

If you say you'd never act on your beliefs, then why tell him in the first place?

[AcrossthePond55]

You don't have the same set of values. He's right to call it off, if that is indeed why he's calling it off. There are a lot of things in a marriage where the partners don't have to believe exactly the same thing. Many things can be compromised on. But monogamy is NOT one of them. You must be on the same page as your partner. There's no halfway. You have a right to want/need a non-monogamous relationship, but if that's what you want you need to seek out someone who feels like you do. He has the right to a monogamous relationship with a person who feels the same as he does.

As far as he goes, it does sound to me as if he is manipulative if he's made you believe that he is 'entitled' to behave like a prat or that you have to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting him.

Personally, I think he's done both of you a favour. Go and find yourself someone to love on your own terms.

[AngelDelightUk]

How are you doing OP?

[Iputthetrampintrampoline]

Total car crash of a relationship for both of you from what I am reading .

[Wildheartsease]

Sounds as if you are both unhappy in this relationship.

Walking on egg shells is no way to live.
Feeling that every row marks the end of your relationship is no way to live either.

Perhaps be clear - discuss where the two of you will be in 10 years time.

If you are moving out - make this separation permanent and not about either party 'making up' a mind.

[saraclara]

I don't know how any marriage can survive if only one party doesn't believe in monogamy. No amount of reassurance would make me confident if I was engaged to the male version of you, OP.

[Reallyimeanreally2022]

And to think there are children in this scenario

[BigButtons]

With it happening before, I mean 4 or 5 times in the last 4 yrs. He did have reasons to doubt me. does that mean you have been unfaithful 4 or 5 times?

[HeartsAndClubs]

Bit of a drip feed there OP.

Based on what you originally said you were bound to be the one getting the sympathy, but in truth the fact that you have already told him you don’t think that monogamy is the answer he’s right to walk away.

If a woman posted here saying that she was having doubts about her upcoming wedding and part of that was that her soon to be husband had talked about an open relationship on the basis he didn’t believe in monogamy the unanimous answer would be that he’s just leaving the door open so he can shag around and to get rid.

You know that you’re not likely to remain faithful in this marriage, and he has the right not to live in doubt of your fidelity.

[Gonnagetgoing]

@cheeselover2021

HOnestly, at first I wasthinking wow what a shitty thing for him to do.

But after your update, I think I'm on his side.

You're a bit vague as to your actual commitment to him and I am not surprised he has cold feet.

You are basically saying you will be faithful to him but you don't actually believe in monogamy and you are far more adventurous sexually.

If my fiancee thought like that, no way in hell would I be going through with a marriage.

If you don't believe in monogamy, how do you believe in marriage? isn't marriage committing yourself to the same person? The exact opposite of what you told him you believe in!

Seems like a big slap in the face to her fiance re not believing in monogamy and being far more adventurous sexually so of course he thinks she'll end up having an open relationship and having loads of 'fun'.

Plus maybe with her new job she has more disposable income to spend going out to meet men. Which is fine if her and fiance are both on the same page re this.

[butterpuffed]

Well, OP has dripfed that she 'prefers open relationships' like it's an aside !

He doesn't feel confident that you would stay faithful.

[cheeselover2021]

HOnestly, at first I wasthinking wow what a shitty thing for him to do.

But after your update, I think I'm on his side.

You're a bit vague as to your actual commitment to him and I am not surprised he has cold feet.

You are basically saying you will be faithful to him but you don't actually believe in monogamy and you are far more adventurous sexually.

If my fiancee thought like that, no way in hell would I be going through with a marriage.

If you don't believe in monogamy, how do you believe in marriage? isn't marriage committing yourself to the same person? The exact opposite of what you told him you believe in!

[madisonbridges]

I've got to say if my partner said that they didn't believe in monogamy, I'd always be thinking they might stray and I'd be reluctant to marry him. I think hrs,done well to stick around for so long, actually. And if I had greater assets than him, I'd be protecting them as well, although obviously providing for my child. And I believe that would be the general consensus on MN.
I had thought that him pushing you to go was because he wanted out of the relationship but your latest updates has put doubt over that. It could very well be that he's insecure and feels the need to constantly test you because he fears you're going to leave sooner or later. What an awful way for him to live. No wonder he gets grumpy.
With your completely different attitudes to monogamy I just don't see how marriage would really change things.

[Cameleongirl]

@ancientgran

I don't think it is that unusual for people to get the wobbles before a wedding. I went to one wedding, probably 40 years ago, and the groom was really late. It was horrible standing there with the bride and no one knowing what was going on. He was with his brother, the best man, and wasn't sure he wanted to go through with it. He did turn up, everyone just pretended they understood that traffic was bad, I mean he was two hours late and lived about 30 minutes away. The Registrar was really good and fitted them in, I guess they've seen it all.

Anyway the point of that is they are one of the happiest couples I know. They are retired now and have had a good marriage.

Maybe there is hope if it's what you want. I hope you work it out.

It sounds like an Eastenders/Corrie plot line....except they wouldn't have lived happily ever after in the soaps, something "nasty" would ruin it!

[TrollsAreSaddos]

@UpAllNight100

Clarification, we don't have an open relationship. I am faithful. i just don't feel that monogamy is the only way to live and i am more sexually adventurous than he is. This makes him worry that monogamy won't always be enough for me, despite reassurances

I'm surprised that you didn't think that was relevant to mention in your OP.
I wouldn't want to get married to someone who thought like this too. It's too messy and confusing. Basically you are saying that you are prepared to be faithful but you would prefer not to be - that wouldn't be ok for me.
I think you and your partner should
split up and stay single for a good long time. There seems to be way too much history and damage around to be trying to complicate things with relationships. Concentrate on yourself and your kids.

[NewlyGranny]

Wow, ancientgran, that groom who was two hours late to the wedding!

Had I been the bride, he would have found me gone. I'd give it an hour, for traffic or accident, but no longer, unless I heard something convincing. That poor woman.

Do you know how the marriage turned out?

[Cameleongirl]

@fumfspos

I co-own a house nearby, with my brother who lives abroad. So I would move there. Its smaller and cheaper to run. My name isn't on anything otherwise.

Go there. Just leave him.
I know it will be awful for the children but they will be ok. Far worse to be living in a house with a bad atmosphere all the time.

You wanted an open relationship anyway. Perhaps he felt you weren't committed enough to him.
It sounds like this relationship is over.

I agree, @fumfspos. With the OP's updates, they don't sound compatible and she has somewhere to live. End it now and get on with your lives.

[HappyDays101010]

I think Mumsnet is very pro monogamy, so you probably won’t be liking the current answers,
.

But, why do you want to be with someone who threatens to split up at the first sign of trouble? He should be able to pull that kind of stunt twice at the max.

[TractorAndHeadphones]

Wow this is the first time I haven’t been 100% on OP’s side in these sort of threads.
I can see why he doesn’t want to marry you. Very late for him to have realised this but I can see why.

[RevolvingPivot]

If being monogamous isn't for you I wouldn't get married. Did you feel this way with your first husband?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

What a tangled web. I wouldn’t marry you either. I’m not sure why you’d bother given your views on monogamy.

It sounds like he’s walking on eggshells too and might have felt strung along. He’s also been supporting you and two children, only one of which is his.

I don’t think you’ve done badly out of it from the sounds of things so just concede defeat and walk away. How lucky you already own a house he has no rights to that you can move straight into…

[supersop60]

It sounds like this is for the best. You don't sound compatible, and I don't think I saw anywhere the words ' I love him'.

[RevolvingPivot]

@oakleaffy

Just spoken to a male colleague about this and he said straight off the bat that it will likely be one of these things:
1, He doesn’t feel they are compatible any longer,
2, He wants to shag about
3, There is someone else in his sights.

Either way, don’t marry this man, as he will always be resentful- and it it will likely end in divorce in a year or so.

It’s a crap situation- Ideally he should have said from get go he didn’t want marriage.

A wealthy woman I know of refuses to marry the father of her children simply because she wants to protect her assets, so it cuts both ways.

WTF!!!