Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

585 replies

Darkestdays · 24/09/2021 22:39

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

OP posts:
SmellyOldOwls · 24/09/2021 22:44

Deep breaths. This is an awful shock to the system for you but you need to be there for each other. What are his chances of finding something else?

Handsoffstrikesagain · 24/09/2021 22:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Palavah · 24/09/2021 22:46

Deep breath....

You're worried, you're angry, you're hurt, that's understandable. He lied to you probably because he was embarrassed and scared and cares what you think of him, possibly didn't want to worry you.

Does he get paid any notice /severance? Is he being given a severance agreement and legal advice on it? Might be worth you/him posting on legal/employment and/or contacting union rep if he has one to be satisfied that the right process has been followed.

You will get through this. If you can cut down on unnecessary spending that would be a good plan.

Obviously applying for new jobs is crucial. Is he in the kind of industry that offers contract work?

endofagain · 24/09/2021 22:46

The first thing you must do is contact your mortgage company. It is possible to take a payment holiday and that will give you a breathing space.
I am sure someone else will be along with more experience to offer more advice.
I am so sorry this has happened.
Your DH must have some transferable skills.

SlB09 · 24/09/2021 22:47

Firstly take a breath, at some point this will all be a memory and you WILL get through it.

You will probably be entitled to some benefits, council tax reductions etc at some point - if your husband doesn't get a new job soon.

Best case scenario he manages to get a job soon and your not too much out of pocket.

Worst case you sell your house and downsize.

In between look at what help you could get/be entitled too, speak to family or friends for support if you feel you are able to. Investigate taking a mortgage 'break'. It will be very stressful for soke time but you will get through this Flowers

neednotknow · 24/09/2021 22:47

If he was earning 65k before, then surely he can get looking for a job that well at least cover your priority expenses??

RJnomore1 · 24/09/2021 22:48

Don’t panic.

How much of a deposit did you have?

How likely is your partner to get work even not at that pay rate?

What outgoings can you cancel and what’s your minimum income you need to scrape past?

If he isn’t working can he child mind to save on those fees?

Sorry so many questions but it’s important.

tootiredtospeak · 24/09/2021 22:51

Your upset I get it but please he is shouldering all that. Having to support everybody he probably panicked. You dont want to make him feel there is no way out. Be calm and kind say your upset he didnt feel he could share but that's done. Now it's time to be practical and follow all advice above. But that you still love him your a team you will get through it together.

Original poster
Darkestdays · 24/09/2021 22:55

We live rurally, the chances of him being able to find another job paying anything over £50k without us relocating is slim. There just aren't many opportunities to earn well around here. I would love to relocate and only lived here because it's where he worked, but to move now when we've just got a big mortgage and are likely in negative equity is terrifying. He's going on about not wanting the stress anymore and saying he just wants an easy job, looking at things online that scrape £20k. Im saying to him you can't work jobs like that and expect to keep this house. He just doesn't seem to realise this. I don't know what to do. We had our dream home, we're living comfortably and we're expanding our family and now it's all fucked. I don't have the potential locally to earn more than I do, of course I could go full time and get more pro rata but my salary is only £25k if I'm full time and that's after 6 years trying to work up the ranks here. We're fucked.

OP posts:
felulageller · 24/09/2021 22:58

Can he claim unfair dismissal? Surely they can't just immediately sack him with no pay??

tootiredtospeak · 24/09/2021 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Teeheehee1579 · 24/09/2021 23:01

Please support him - what an utterly awful situation for him to be in. Being sacked from work is beyond stressful and he has the entire burden of the family to support too. If the house has to be sold then that is what is going to have to happen but before you go nuclear support him to look for some jobs at his salary level. Plenty are partially wfh now and even if he has to go elsewhere a few days a week and stay at least that is better then nothing. At the end of the day you can’t earn enough to support your lifestyle but you want him to so be kind and supportive. Get a mortgage holiday in the meantime.

RJnomore1 · 24/09/2021 23:01

It sounds like he’s been performance managed so they can but it’s worth checking they’ve followed all policies if he’s been there 6 years.

The key question is how much are you core outgoings op?

LIZS · 24/09/2021 23:01

Take a deep breath and try to sleep on it. Have a calmer discussion tomorrow.

He should have been paid notice (is that one month, three?), plus outstanding accrued leave, perks. Will that buy you some breathing space? Is there any short term contract demand for his skills and experience? Do you have savings? What cutbacks can you make?

Longer term can he identify what went wrong and look for a new role to work around any weaknesses. Does he need any help or training to do so?

ElleStartingOver · 24/09/2021 23:01

Op you’re putting an awful lot of pressure on your husband right now. I understand you’re worried but you need to take a breath and get practical.

What deposit did you put down on the house? Why are you so sure you’re in negative equity?

Ring the mortgage company, they will help you.
Do you have mortgage insurance?

There’s nothing that can be done tonight but be kind to your husband, he must feel like absolute shit.

Teeheehee1579 · 24/09/2021 23:02

The poor guys has probably been so stressed and shocked that all he wants to do is get off the rat race too which is precisely what you have done (and he has enabled you to) so give him a flippin break. I know you are shocked but this has actually made me quite cross

teaandpastries · 24/09/2021 23:04

@Teeheehee1579

The poor guys has probably been so stressed and shocked that all he wants to do is get off the rat race too which is precisely what you have done (and he has enabled you to) so give him a flippin break. I know you are shocked but this has actually made me quite cross
This
Original poster
Darkestdays · 24/09/2021 23:05

@tootiredtospeak

Seriously have a word with yourself so you cant possibly earn more but he has too. He sidnt know this would happen when you committed to the house. It probably is a stressful job for that much money find your compassion it's a house. Your babies having their Dad around is more important. Read some statistics about male suicide for this exact reason. Sorry if that's seems harsh I know you have had a shock.
I can't earn more here and in my post I said it's likely he can't earn close to what he was on here either. We would have to relocate to earn the same kind of money or close to what we have now. If I can find an opportunity to earn more and he stays home with the babies then so be it. Im not trying to put the pressure on him I just feel like we are both cornered by living where we do. Whoever made the point about WFH could be on to something, we will look into that more.
OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 24/09/2021 23:05

It’s not too late for him to try to get a pay out.
If your ft is 25k you should deffo do that it seems a bit hypocritical to say he has to earn over 50k but you couldn’t possibly work full time.

Iggly · 24/09/2021 23:07

My DH was made redundant although he did get paid off. Your DH should have been given a redundancy payment unless he has some something terrible??

If he’s been made redundant then there is some money in the short term.

You’re angry - on many levels - but you need to try and accept the anger but don’t lash out with it because that’s counterproductive.

Your DH will need time to process this and work through options. I’m not surprised he wants to take lower paid jobs - my DH was exactly the same - basically he had a massive crisis of confidence and convinced himself he couldn’t do a high paid job again. Try and bear that in mind.

Take each day as it comes. If you work together you should be able to sort things out.

RJnomore1 · 24/09/2021 23:08

For the third time the important question

How much are your core outgoing?

Original poster
Darkestdays · 24/09/2021 23:09

@Teeheehee1579

The poor guys has probably been so stressed and shocked that all he wants to do is get off the rat race too which is precisely what you have done (and he has enabled you to) so give him a flippin break. I know you are shocked but this has actually made me quite cross
If you read my comment I'm saying he's saying about getting a lesser paid job and keeping this lifestyle. Even on my full time wage (which I'm not contracted the hours for, so not something I can automatically switch to) if he went for that easy going job we wouldn't be able to afford this house. He's saying this is our home and we aren't giving it up, he doesn't seem to be listening to me that we can't afford this house if things have changed. I've told him if we have to sell we have to sell, if we have to move ok, if I have to find a new job to be able to work full time then alright (even though I love my job) I don't think I'm being selfish at all by saying we can't afford the house if things have changed. We can't. We have another baby on the way and will have twice the nursery fees not to mention everything else. He can't expect to leave the rat race but keep the lifestyle. Things are going to change!
OP posts:
RealhousewifeofBarnardCastle · 24/09/2021 23:10

Sorry but you need to get a grip and plan.

Plan for him getting another job, you working FT OTH, whatever you need to do

Look at all your expenditure and trim it to the bone
Evaluate your financial position
Decide your priorities

Hapoydayz · 24/09/2021 23:10

With so many wfh opportunities why are you so insistent that you can't earn more?

RealhousewifeofBarnardCastle · 24/09/2021 23:11

Also can you up your hours? Get a promotion?