What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

[Darkestdays]

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

I'd love him to be around more. Every weekend and most evenings on my own since we met has sucked. I'm happy for him to start fresh. I wish it had been on his terms and before we took out a huge mortgage. I'm just overwhelmed that everything has changed when I'm just trying to focus on getting through this pregnancy

Oh gosh OP I'm sorry. Something roughly similar happened to me- DH lost his job very suddenly and for various reasons was unable to get another job in his niche field where we lived. So I know how stressful it is.

I'd advise you to take everything he's saying about work with a slight pinch of salt at the moment. His confidence is low and he's really stressed. He may feel very differently once he fully realises that you can't maintain your lifestyle with him on a 20k job and he's had a chance to process things. Or he might not. In your shoes, I'd just give it a few days for the dust to settle- but I would want to know exactly what's happened.

The most important thing you need to do now is give yourself some breathing room so that you can make plans without this awful pressure. Do you have enough money to pay the mortgage at least for the next month?

For now, I would do as PP have suggested and find out about a mortgage break. Apply for benefits. Then get your outgoings as low as it is possible for you to get them. When it happened to me, I went through the bank statements and spent an afternoon cancelling anything that wasn't completely necessary, trying to get better deals on things, and working out how to get our food spend as low as possible.

Once you've done that, add up your new lower outgoings and work out how much you need to bring in to keep the roof over your head, bills paid, and everyone fed. If the two of you can find a way to bring that in between you, perhaps by you increasing your hours and him finding something temporary to tide you over, you could take some time to come up with a more suitable long-term plan.

My husband was sacked (in hindsight we should've sued for unfair dismissal)... anyway he got a new job shoot a month later... in the meantime he did bar work to bring any money in.. we got through it...

Like your husband mine didn't tell me what had happened for a while and I really found the trust hard to regain...

But we got there and actually are in a really good place now!

You won't need childcare if your dh isn't working. can you increase your hours.
There are lots of jobs around at the moment, he should be prepared to do anything for now, he may need to change careers, so needs to be open minded.
Yes you can claim UC if you don't have savings over 16k, but there will not beany specific help with mortgage payments. You would get a work allowance meaning most of your wages would be disregarded.

As long as you have your health and trust each other there is a way. Your pregnancy emotions are raging- you protect baby, husband provides for you all - you are right to be furious that he kept it from you, but probably as he was crucifying himself for letting you down & it’s a burden. Give him a big hug before you go to bed, tell him you love him and it will be fine. Try to stay calm and start lists lists tomorrow of what you need and don’t/ compromises etc. Wfh is massive now for instance, so many people are beavering away behind front doors, the office landscape has completely transformed.

No real help beyond what you’ve already got
But just want to say I’m sorry other people are having a go at you for being upset about this and that they are making excuses for a mans poor behaviour like he’s a child and couldn’t help his work performance, or keeping it a secret, or his lack of action to rectify the situation. Like he hasn’t got a family to support.

Women do not get days / weeks to process.
He is struggling to process, he is allowed to act poorly. You are not it seems.

Hope you get the help you need on Monday when you can contact your bank/benefits/start tackling the job hunt together

Have you thought about renting out your new home for an amount that will cover the mortgage, and then you guys can rent somewhere smaller and cheaper yourselves, perhaps a little two bed home, somewhere which you could afford on a joint 27k salary?

@tootiredtospeak

Seriously have a word with yourself so you cant possibly earn more but he has too. He sidnt know this would happen when you committed to the house. It probably is a stressful job for that much money find your compassion it's a house. Your babies having their Dad around is more important. Read some statistics about male suicide for this exact reason. Sorry if that's seems harsh I know you have had a shock.

What is this condition 'male depression'?

What a load of nonsense.

Of course it is terribly sad when anyone is depressed or suicidal. But it's in very poor taste to threaten the OP in this way, or to suggest her DP is suicidal. I have a dear friend whose husband killed himself recently, and reinforcing the idea that there's a particular masculine kind of struggle is one of the most dangerous things out there. Please stop it.

• Should be: Is this condition 'male depression'?

careers.virginmoney.com/
Depending on his experience and industry quite a few of these jobs are work from home and there are some higher paying jobs in the list

I would say you both need to look at what you can contribute to the family financially. That would mean you working full time and your husband finding work ASAP. I'm not sure why you decided to borrow so much (to me it sounds like you were very stretched), but that's done now and you can't change it.

There may be options with the bank and other bills to contact them for temporarily reduced payments on hardship grounds. Start by listing all outgoings. Maximise any credits you're entitled to - sign up ASAP so you receive them as soon as possible.

You will both have to work very hard. It's not just going to be up to your husband to bring in money, particularly if he can't get a similar salary where you are. If he can get 45k and you 25k, you'll be on similar income.

@Darkestdays. This must be a massive shock but you will get through it. My DH was made redundant when our DC were very young 12 years or so ago. I only worked PT and he was higher earner.
I immediately asked my employer if I could work FT and luckily they agreed so I would suggest you try this first.
Secondly speak to mortgage company. Perhaps you could pay interest only for a while?
Cancel all unnecessary outgoings to do all you can to ease financial pressure.
You will get through it somehow. We did but it did take us a long time to be financially secure again, sorry.

Op I feel for you. Need to both not panic and time to look at everything and decide priorities between you. Please look after his mental health. He's prob worried sick underneath it all. We've had periods of living on very low £ after basics covered. We stopped going out etc but stayed strong

The shock will dissipate, it’s like mourning, you will both begin to process this as change, but right now it appears you are both being led by fear and he’s probably carrying a lot of guilt too (unfairly) and sounds fragile. From our experience of similar when ds was a newborn, he needs to recognise this is a turning point not an end point. Best thing that could have happened to us but we didn’t realise it then. Take a moment to take stock and there’s lots of great advice here.

What I wanted to say from a positive perspective is post pandemic most jobs at professional grade DH seeing advertised pretty much say you can work anywhere, including international. Wfh is the norm with occasional office based trips. If his industry is too cut throat and he wants a step back from it, (might be why he’s looking at the 20k jobs) he will have transferable skills so spend time working out what they are and how they can be used and who might want them. Consider contracting, it could provide 3-6 months whilst working other things out. So many niches out there right now but lots of people looking, so as someone upthread said, treat job hunting like a professional job for best results.

Good luck op 💐

I'm just overwhelmed that everything has changed when I'm just trying to focus on getting through this pregnancy

you’re in shock, yes things have changed but you will get through this.

The first priority should be for your H to find another job which covers your outgoings and hopefully you can stay in the house until you can get out of the mortgage. By then you may be in a much better position.

We were in a similar situation, 2 days after I gave birth, we found out the family business my Dh worked for was going to be wound up. It was a horrible time for a year but it made us think about what we really wanted out of life and a few years later DH set up his own business which is now very successful. Life does throw curve balls at you but there usually a way through them.

Contact ACAS for free impartial advice for employees.

I was in a similar position in March 2020 at the very start of covid. DH (high earner) was made redundant very suddenly. I remember being in shock and completely panicking. It took him six months to find another job and I don't believe I'm over the stress of it yet.

Have you family to reach out to?
Find out what happened and if he can work in the industry again?
The bank would not have given a mortgage if your DH was dependent on that one job lasting forever. They obviously believed he had earning potential.
Is he getting redundancy?
Have you mortgage protection? If you have, contact whoever you have it with asap and get the ball rolling as it can take some time to organise but they will backdate it.

You need to be more supportive. You could get a job that pays more. It sounds like he's been shouldering a huge burden of financial responsibility and stress while you've been happily sailing along on your 7k a year part-time job. And now its gone pear shaped. Of course he should be able to get a job which pays less and is less stressful. If you are a massive amount short every month you will need to downsize.

20 years ago, we went through similar.
DH walked away from a job that was making him ill with stress, it was a shock at the time as he was at the top of his game and was regularly invited to give lectures internationally. I got FT employment while he retrained in an entirely different field.
A few years later we were back to a decent standard of living again.
We pulled as a team, we fudged childcare (for 3 DC), it was bloody hard but we made it. I would live in a caravan so long as he was with me.
You can do it OP.
Look at both of your skillsets, could you both work from home?
Speak to your mortgage lenders for advice.
Get rid of the lease car.
Do you have any family that could help with childcare?
Good luck

Are you taking the piss Sarah and Quack I never once mentioned male depression. I said the OP needed to show compassion which her post clearly lacked initially. Since then the tone has change which I hope is the shock wearing off. I recommended she read some statistics on this as unfortunately financial responsibility for a family like this can lead to such a horrible thing. It is bad he hid it but after admitting something like that to feel your like is fucked. Read the title is not what someone needs to hear. I get that the OP is hurt shocked angry and worried but catastrophising wont help them.and either of their mental health neither will playing a blame game.

Totally understand why you’re panicking. But it IS going to be ok.

We were in a similar position a while back & dp lost his job. I was lucky as I’d found his disciplinary letter a couple of days before he’d lost his job.

Not enough time to find him anything else in the meantime as he’d buried his head in the sand & the result was inevitable.

The main thing is we got through it. We are a team. We manage things together. Which I reminded him at the time.

We managed financially although things were a little fraught for a while. Bit of a minefield for a couple of months.

Id get Dp to look for another job first. Then start looking at options. Can you rent out your existing property for a while so you can get back on your feet? It’s a fair option if you can’t sell.

Look up the details on the help for buy stuff. Your dp might be in worse case scenario mode & it might not be as bad as he thinks.

I get it. He betrayed your trust, but he panicked. He can get it back. My dp now keeps me in the loop much more.

It might feel like a massive mountain to climb & impossible at the moment, but you CAN get through this.

@Missdotty

Have you thought about renting out your new home for an amount that will cover the mortgage, and then you guys can rent somewhere smaller and cheaper yourselves, perhaps a little two bed home, somewhere which you could afford on a joint 27k salary?

This. Great advice. Look at the small print and how much it might cost you. If you’ve bought anywhere in demand someone will snap up a decent family rental. You rent anywhere as you’re not currently tied to schools- he could get any other job and between you share the childcare, enabling you to up your hours and income too. Might be chance for a fresh start?

@Viviennemary

You need to be more supportive. You could get a job that pays more. It sounds like he's been shouldering a huge burden of financial responsibility and stress while you've been happily sailing along on your 7k a year part-time job. And now its gone pear shaped. Of course he should be able to get a job which pays less and is less stressful. If you are a massive amount short every month you will need to downsize.

Happily sailing along on my £7k a year? I'm doing almost all the parenting of our toddler, DH works 6 days a week including all weekends and I am heavily pregnant suffering from hyperemesis. I love my job and still instantly said to DH if I have to quit and find something better paid I would. Do one

Thank you to all helpful comments. We will look into it all.

How much would your outgoings be if you take away nursery fees and you stayed home and maybe got a wfh job around his hours or even work your hours around each other and look for jobs you can do that?