What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

[Darkestdays]

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

@Hapoydayz

With so many wfh opportunities why are you so insistent that you can't earn more?

Op is very unwell, she said so in her opening post. HG.

Darkestdays Is he looking for another job? Don't give up on your home yet, your partner may find something soon. He is also entitled to Jobseekers allowance.

(could 'have', not 'of')

Oh op I'm so sorry this has happened. I feel for your partner going through this, he must be feeling so many intense emotions right now but so are you and you're not wrong at all to be feeling them either. Such a massive thing to happen to you, yes like others have said support your partner but make sure you're feeling supported too!
I would try and get some finical advice and maybe speak to citizens advise or the mortgage company? I think whilst the dust settles it would be wise for your partner to get. Akin to cover the bills whilst he plans his next steps. It's obviously not fair for him to just pick a job with such a significant pay drop long term when you have a family and can't afford that.
I really feel for you OP. It will all work out xx

Sorry posted this on the wrong board.

he's saying if we sold the house for what we paid he would still be in debt for years as he can't just pay the mortgage company the house cost, they add tens of thousands of interest on that will be owed and we'll be in debt for years?

This doesn't sound right.

If you sold now, you'd repay the mortgage, plus a penalty (a few thousand) for repaying it before the end of the fixed term. You wouldn't owe "thousands and thousands" in interest. Interest is charged over the full term of the mortgage. That's why repaying your mortgage quickly (although obviously not this quickly 😬) saves you money,

I'd be annoyed that he lied about being fired, and is now being impractical. That would seriously dent my respect.

But if your monthly outgoings are really only £2.5K - but I'd want to check that for myself, if I were you - you're not in a hideously bad position.

You'll likely come out of this better. You'll move somewhere better. He'll have a job that's a better fit. Everything will be better. But I'd be scared too.

But it's sort-outable.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but tbh I really feel for your DH. He's carried this, yes he should've told you but you are a partnership and he will feel horrible right now.

what industry is your DH in ? As far as I know only financial services and IT industry offers such packages .Can he take up a short term contract role and look for permanent jobs side by side .
You can also put the house on rent and move to smaller home if possible .

Whether you are kind to your husband or horrible, it won’t change what has happened. However how you act will have a big impact on what happens next. I get that you are in shock and probably hormonal with pregnancy but I think you should ease off your husband. Of course he realises that everything’s fucked, sounds like he is clinging on to wishful thinking about the house! Right now he doesn’t need you telling him that it’s all fucked and banging on about needing to sell the house. I expect that if you help him feel better about it all and let him vent his issues and start coming up with new ideas, ie be on his team instead of haranguing him, he should come up with some more realistic routes forwards. Or maybe not. But I don’t think that kicking him when he’s down, no matter how bad the situation is, can be helpful at the moment. Poor guy.

Maybe not all is lost - he should contact his union or if he isn't a union member, he may still be able to get advice depending on the union.

He could appeal his termination of contract possibly - were there any other forms of disciplinary procedures that were done previously? Perhaps it was capability rather than conduct and he needed training, mentoring rather than being put on disciplinary?

Obviously you need to have an honest discussion where it all went wrong, but there may still be a way forward.

Be aware of time frames though, so if the letter of termination says he has 7 days to appeal, then be sure to lodge an appeal, if that's what you and him decide to do.

Having seen the way you're coming across on here im not surprised the poor guy was scared to tell you. 😬

Make sure he's ok, then tomorrow go through paperwork and see where you stand with insurances etc.

Did you take out payment protection insurance against unexpected earnings loss when you took out a mortgage? Just in case you did but haven't thought of it because you're in panic mode? It doesn't pay forever but it'd give you breathing time.

Can you rent the house out for now and then rent a house somewhere cheaper?

He is bruised from a shitty experience at work. His confidence is knocked and he wont feel himself for a while. Its shit because you have a lot on your plate but you need to big him up and make him feel confident to go out there and get another great job. The chances are if he took a less well paid job he would regret it anyway.

I had a job I hated that ground me down. I saw a therapist and it took over 12 months for my health to recover. Unlike your husband I wasnt fired but I was a very high earner and could have been fired at any time. I ended up working away 4 days a week and found a role which built my confidence back up. Your husband needs to know he can do this, you may feel drained and desperate but you need him to pull his weight and get back out there.

Short term get a grip on the bank account. Cancel any direct debits you don't need. Re-evaluate your shopping list and see if you can get a mortgage holiday or go interest only on the mortgage. Can you take a lodger in?

If your husband can't find a job straight away and has any DIY skills get him on grafternow looking for jobs to bring in some short term cash.

@Zen88

Can you rent the house out for now and then rent a house somewhere cheaper?

this might be an option

work out what you have to pay,
what you can cut out?
where you can make savings?
what you can claim on benefits?

is it better that he takes a less well paid job than having no job at all.?
does your child need to be in nursery now?

This is a huge lesson about trying to live a flashy lifestyle.
You took the biggest mortgage you could, had to use help to buy to afford it and have an expensive lease,
Champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget.

Your DH must’ve felt under so much pressure, I’m not surprised he’s struggled.
You need to support him and stop pressuring him into finding another decent job.
Get the house on the market, return the car and get one you can afford and find a job with more hours / ask if you can increase yours to full time whilst your DH job hunts. Many women work FT whilst pregnant with a child, it’s doable.

@Handsoffstrikesagain

Deep breath OP. Cup of tea and calm down. On Monday contact universal credit and claim every penny you’re entitled to. Do the same with child benefit if you aren’t already in receipt of this. Phone the mortgage company and explain the situation. If you are upfront and honest they will help you. It’s a shock OP but together you’ll get through it x

Do not claim Universal Credit until your husband has received his last pay from work (unless he is only expecting a small amount). Once you claim, any income you receive in the following calendar month will be taken into account when calculating your first UC payment (which is paid 5 weeks after you claim). You then don't get another payment for another month. I've seen people who have claimed on the day they received their final payment from work, and then receive nothing from UC after waiting 5 weeks, and then have to wait a further month to get any help. Be mindful of your claim dates!

Your husband should be able to claim new style JSA now - this is a contribution based benefit (deducted from UC 100%) but it's paid fortnightly and should start being paid very quickly. You can claim online. It doesn't matter when he gets any further pay he's owed for JSA.

You also might now be eligible for Council Tax Support (reduction in your council tax for people on a low income). Contact your local council to apply.

I've assumed here, that you don't have any savings?

First of all, sorry for your trouble, OP - it must have been a terrible shock. But. Your post has made me really cross on behalf of all the people I know who are on minimum wage and earn fuck all despite working loads of hours. Do you realise how lucky you are overall? You have a husband who is capable of earning £65k.

Yes, he's lost his job and there aren't any at that rate locally, but he is capable of earning that amount. What if his job was freelance, or zero hours, or under /at minimum wage?

It's usually pointless to say 'But there are so many people much worse off!', but in this case it's true. Your combined (current and possible) income is over £70,000 a year - most couples in the UK would kill for that.

Your husband clearly has a good skillset in a sector that pays well. So your options as I see it are:

1 - sell the house. Fuck the negative equity - it's a debt you'll have to manage over time. Get advice from a charity about payments you can afford. No-one's going to come and throw you both in jail if you don't pay the equity off in full immediately.

Rent your next house, until any debts - if there will be any - are paid off. Work out how long it will take to pay off any negative equity and stay in rented accommodation until then.

Give your husband a break re the £65k and your 'lifestyle'. Ffs I know families on under £20k. You keep going on about your lifestyle and your mortgage - you know you can just... not buy into all that? If there are no jobs at that rate where you are, then your husband takes a job at a lesser rate, or you move. It really is that simple.

2 - stay in the house for your 'lifestyle'; get stressed because you can't pay for it; lose house anyway.

You are in a hugely advantageous position. Obviously it doesn't feel like that now. But you are in a partnership where the two of you can bring in over £70,000 a year. Seriously, I work with families who would kill for that, who are working all the hours offered, becoming ill with stress and worry... and still only bringing in a quarter of what you and your husband could make in a year.

You will be OK. You're one of the lucky ones who can claw their way back up from a huge setback like this. Good luck.

(I would however want to know why my husband lost his job and if it were gross misconduct... that could be a dealbreaker.)

Ignoring Vivienne is usually the way to go.
The key things here are what impact does a disciplinary have on his career? If he's an accountant and has done something dodgy financially then it different matter to a HGV driver sending an email to the MD complaining about driving hours.
He's told you now. You are in shock. He's had to face something huge. He's in denial that his empire is crumbling. Telling you made it real. Take the weekend to hug each other and talk.

If your outgoings (all of them) are £2500/month then you need a minimum joint income of £40k to bring in £2500 after tax & deductions.
Have a look at the salary calculator here: www.thesalarycalculator.co.uk/salary.php

There are loads of different ways you could divide the necessary income and workload between you, some of which would save you in nursery fees. When my kids were little my husband and I both worked part time so we only ever ended up paying for 2 days a week childcare.

It’s a shock, but it’s all survivable. You have each other. That’s not a light thing to say. It’s everything. You have things you can sell.

If it really comes to it, you can rent, do lower paid work, claim benefits. Sounds scary but that’s the worst? Plenty of people do and they cope, they survive.

I had a high paying job, became a single mum, had to drastically reduce job to spend more time with my kids and move to care for a parent. I did it on my own. So you can do it.

What a stressful situation OP. I can understand your shock and frustration but your DH will need no help at all to feel absolutely wretched so it would stand you both in good stead if you can be as kind and supportive as possible.

Your DH's understanding of the impact of paying the mortgage back immediately seems skewed. It sounds as though he's looking at the calculation of what you will pay in interest if you were to pay the mortgage back over the planned full term (say 25 years) and thinking that's what you'd pay if you sold now, which isn't the case.

There'll be an early repayment charge and, yes, this will be several thousand £ but otherwise it's just a case of paying back the current mortgage figure.

Having said that, you'd most likely be financially better off renting the house out (while you rent something substantially cheaper) until you and your DH can up your joint income again rather than losing all the money it's already cost to buy the house (surveys, fees etc.)

You should be able to use the rental income from your house to satisfy the finance checks for rental as long as the new place you rent is a lot cheaper.

Can’t agree with posters suggesting you must get the house on the market ASAP. You’ve only just had the news and your husband has only just come clean after what must have been an absolutely awful few weeks - you need time to digest it and look at your options. Who knows if his comments about £20k jobs are serious.

I don’t think jumping into another of life’s most stressful experiences right now (and racking up moving expenses) when he could be working again in a few months is sensible.

Of course, you may decide to sell or it may become apparent it’s the only option but I would give yourselves a little time before making major life decisions.

deep breath. really listen to your DH, his desire to downsize his job and have a less stressful life - it could signal depression, stress, exhaustion etc ( happened to a relatives husband) - he is not thinking clear at the moment re keeping the house and downsizing.

Slow down and take stock of finances, your outgoings and listen to your DH - he may be at breaking point himself. Perhaps it is time to downsize, think about less stressful jobs, smaller house, and learn to enjoy life. I am at that age where I have seen some marriages crumble as the husband has walked out due to stress and pressure and is now partaking in a mid life crisis - low stress job and no real income ( leaving the wife high and dry raising kids alone without real financial support) - not saying that is in your future - but do take his feelings seriously and work together.

He might just need a break for 6 months or a year, working at something lower paid and less stressful and then want to get back to the higher paying job - who knows at the moment, but you need to listen to him and really hear him and work together.

Sorry I know how stressful this is, DH has unexpectedly lost 3 jobs in 4 years (suspect ASD and not reading the cues).

So it’s time to get practical. He need to contact agencies and start a serious job search. You both need to trim your expenses to the bone and claim benefits. If you have savings, sort the mortgage first. Contact an estate agent, house prices have shot up this year so you might be ok, but also get the rental value to get some informed options.

You’ll get through this but try and take the emotion out of it for now (hard I know) and concentrate on making a plan to get through the next 3 months.

Finally try and find some outlet for your anger that isn’t him. Whipping him down now isn’t going to help him get a new job, if you’d lost your job you’d want him to support you, so try and contain your shock and focus on the practical.