What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

[Darkestdays]

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

@Darkestdays because you have a 20% equity loan you will not be making repayments on it for another 4 years. Therefore if you can rent your rental income should cover the 75% mortgage.
If you sell you only pay the equity loan back as 20%. So if the house value goes down so does your debt to the government.

I think once you have taken proper advice you will find a solution.
Yes, things will be tough for a while but you'll manage because you have no choice.

Remember some people are in your position because of illness or death. My nephew had leukaemia and his wife had to step up financially.

Give your husband a break re the £65k and your 'lifestyle'. Ffs I know families on under £20k. You keep going on about your lifestyle and your mortgage - you know you can just... not buy into all that? If there are no jobs at that rate where you are, then your husband takes a job at a lesser rate, or you move. It really is that simple.

Assuming this respondent is reading OP posts from an entirely different thread

Totally agree with SarahandQuack. Very strange responses - I suspect if OP’s family was currently dependent on her husband’s £35k salary they’d have been entirely different. OP, you’ll get through it, but you need to look after yourself for now - I can’t imagine dealing with this while suffering HG, how horrendous. Try your best to rest and eat as well as you can for the next few days while your DH sorts his head out.

As a veteran of similar financial crises, the absolute most important thing right now is to support each other. He is terrified too. He didn't know this was going to happen and doesn't know how to fix it. Other posters who have mentioned male suicide rates and causes are right to do so, Hugs, cups of tea (stay off the wine), and lots of mutual reassurance - tell each other you WILL get through this (and you will, trust me), and the lost important thing is that you' re all alive and heathy (it really really is, and you know it). You don't need to solve it all tonight. A plan will unfold itself over the next few days. You do need to love and support each othet tonight.

Deep breath op. I think you need to give him a couple of days. If his parents are supportive gently suggest he tell them as they will be able to be fully sympathetic, which might help him, while understandably you’re freaking out.

1. Jobs- he needs to have a look around.
2. Speak to bank and ask what a payment holiday would look like. Ask about selling to understand the negative equity potential.
3. I’m not sure about this- is there anything else you can do remotely work wise? I’m not sure because I have had hyperemesis and while I kept up with my job there was some sick leave and taking on something new would be very hard. I think you have to have a look at least.
4. Can you pull your dc out of any childcare?
5. Without his income do you qualify for any more govt support? Every little bit helps.

Give your husband a break re the £65k and your 'lifestyle'. Ffs I know families on under £20k. You keep going on about your lifestyle and your mortgage - you know you can just... not buy into all that? If there are no jobs at that rate where you are, then your husband takes a job at a lesser rate, or you move. It really is that simple.

If he takes a job at a lesser rate they can't afford their current lifestyle, that includes paying the mortgage.

The op has said to her dh this and he's sticking his head in the sand saying he'll get a lesser paid job and they can continue with their current lifestyle. They can't!

I'm all for people taking a step back from stressful careers, my dh went from a 90k job and driving a hgv for a living, he's happier and healthier as a result, but it did mean that luxuries, big mortgages etc were out of the window. That's fine as long as you haven't just taken out a large mortgage and will end up in negative equity if you sell.

Consider elongating your mortgage to the maximum number of years too

Speak to mortgage lenders.
Get house valued.
Find out benefits.

Shame it's the weekend but there's no point making decisions, planning the future etc etc until you have the facts.

Also go through your bank statements and cancel any luxuries. Gym memberships and similar. Rethink your activities with your child. Meet ups in the park, people’s houses, picnics, countryside walks

Hope you are both ok.

Get rid of the expensive lease car and get a cheap runaround. You will feel a weight off your shoulders. Phone the mortgage company and arrange a mortgage holiday.

You never know what is round the corner. Sometimes the biggest calamity can open up new exciting opportunities. So try not to think of this as a disaster, but a turning point in life. I bet it'll all fall into place quicker than you think.

It sounds like with the shock, you're being a bit harsh on your DH. If he was burnt out and now sacked, you have to understand that with you pulling in 7k, you can't expect all the pressure and burden and stress to fall solely on him. Please be kind to him too, I know you are so worried but men bottle a lot up and he needs support

To get 2500 a month you both need to earn around 17000. I understand that may be hard for you at present due to Hg.
At present you are not using all of your tax allowance and he is paying higher rate. You can now claim child benefit. If you can increase to 12500 per annum and he gets 21500 plus child benefit you will have 2500.

According to the income calculator posted up thread, He will get 1521 assuming no pension. You will get £1011 assuming no pension plus child benefit. So 2600 per month.

If you can get rid of the car adjust the income required accordingly.

The mortgage lender does not ‘load ‘ interest onto your debt. You will likely have an early repayment charge which could be significant amount - did you fix for 2 or 5 years? Your mortgage offer will detail your penalty. Not all lenders do holidays and some will put an arrangement to pay on your credit file if you tell them about your situation. I know this is not what you want to hear but it will potentially affect you being able to move or remortgage when the time comes.

If there is more work in another location do you have family near that location that he could stay with 5 nights a week to help in the short term. He can then apply for new roles whilst in a job.

Is it the motor industry? Just saw the reference to weekend working and late nights. If it is, you can pm me if you like. Similar happened to us. It was hard.

Whatever happens you need a bit of time to process. I'd give him a couple of days to decompress doing stuff that makes him happier - running, spending time with your toddler, whatever it is.

While this is going on, get a trial subscription to ynab (www.youneedabudget.com/) and see how far you can make your money go. The good thing about ynab is it just shows the facts - you aren't telling him what you can afford, the software is. He can play with it and see what's possible.

Research any benefits you can, and he will have to talk to the mortgage company if you're not on it. If he's not up to that get him to ring and give his permission for you to talk on his behalf. They might let you.

Good luck, you sound so upset. I do understand, so was I. Thank goodness when it happened to us I didn't have children, I really feel for you.

While this is totally awful, I clicked on here thinking it was going to be an affair/death or something else awful. I'm relived for you that it's not, although you might not feel that way at this moment.

I hope you've managed to get some sleep and the initial shock is less this morning.

Start thinking practically, to get you through short term.

1. Mortgage break for as long as they'll allow while you sort yourself out.
2. Cut back unnecessary expenses - write a list (the expensive lease car, if it's possible to swap for something cheaper or borrow/buy something else for a while, would be a start).
3. Is it definitely too late to do anything about the work situation - contact union, solicitor etc and see where you stand. Get your husband to write EVERY detail down while it's still fresh(ish).
4. Can you use the house in any way to make money? A room that could be easily lend itself to being an Airbnb or longer term let. I understand you have a toddler so may not want a stranger in the house, but do you know anyone that needs to rent a room - desperate times mean you have to do things you don't want to do, it's not forever. Rent the whole house and move in with family until you get things sorted?
5. Any savings/investments tucked away
6. Last, but by no means least, encourage your husband to speak to someone. His reaction to this and inability to understand you won't need to make changes/lose the house are worrying.

Small steps will add up. It's rubbish. But you can get through it.

Pp have given lots of detailed advice on the different aspects of your problem.

But please take a step back first and think: everyone suffers crises. You have an opportunity here to choose how you handle this. Are you going to be calm, logical, a leader? Or are you going to go to bits like your DH? Make a to do list and prioritise.

First and foremost, I would hug dh, say ‘It’s okay. We are going to get through this. Worst things have happened. We still have our health. You still have all your skills and experience. It’s atrocious timing but we’ll be okay.’ At a later time when things have calmed down, yes, you can say ‘I am deeply disappointed and feel very betrayed that you did were not honest with me, and sad because you didn’t value me enough to think I could practically help).

1. call your mortgage lenders to postpone mortgage or extend it or reduce it however you can
2. take stock of your savings and decide how long that will see you through
3. see what benefits you can get
4. look at the employment law situation. Did dh get full notice pay? Was he in employer for more than 2 years (and can claim unfair domiss? How was his performance managed? Check all his letters and compare them to the ACAS code and the internal policy. If something wasn’t followed, you have a possible tribunal claim.

Once you have a bit of breathing room, then you can have a discussion with him about finances, long term locations other jobs.

You're both in shock, plus your hormones are probably not helping.

I suggest you set a time to discuss it with him in a day or two, and you both need to bring with you anything you think you need to talk about/ideas of what to do.

I would bring with you a list of all outgoings, which could be changed/cancelled and which can't. You need to look into benefits you may now be entitled too. Do a quick calculator and print it off, remembering timescales for receiving. When do you go on Mat leave and what money will you be getting, bring a breakdown for the next year. Get the mortgage paperwork out see what it says about early moving etc. Do a quick look are there any houses you could afford/rent? If so print out. If not what's the minimum price/rent that you need to be able to find?

He needs to start work urgently needs bring some ideas, agency's etc with immediate starts.
He also needs to bring all paperwork he has regarding the investigation and dismissal as there may be implications for benefits etc. What is his plan for how you can afford the house?

Like I said set a time, in a day or two, you both need to come together to get this moving now.

Good luck

I'd want to know exactly what he had been sacked for first, before deciding if I even wanted to stay in the relationship. Then deal with finances.

Gosh I think you’re getting a tough time on here. This is big news when you’ve just bought a house and are about to have a second baby! Take your time to absorb the news and do be grateful your husband finally told you instead of doing ‘something stupid’.
Good luck Op. Hope you are you husband can find alignment on the way forward.

You have had a horrible shock. I really feel for you and your DH. When you have both calmed a little and can face reality, you will be able to plan. I'm afraid the house has to go, even if you carry forward debt, you cannot have the stress of this around your necks. This is now a time for a fresh start and new doors opening (being positive for you). I would look to relocating to a cheaper area personally. Good luck my love !

The emotions of it all are running so high at the moment, clearly DH has been so anxious about letting everyone down that he’s carried this weight on his shoulders for a few weeks.
Check in on him and make sure he is okay MH wise, men / boys tend to mask how they are feeling a lot fo the time until they hit rock bottom so please keep an eye on him.

So what are you outgoings at the moment?
How old is your youngest? You can apply for universal credit to top up your wage until DH secures something, look at the funding for 2 year olds, see if you are eligible- it’s 15 hours a week but it’s worth it.

Draw up a list of your outgoings…. The MUST pay, ie where you will get penalised or your credit rating will suffer if you don’t pay.
The things you could cancel, Netflix , now tv etc … you get the idea. Work out the minimum you can live off…. Yes it will be tough at first but it will get better and will be okay

@Handsoffstrikesagain we tried this when my partner was made redundant, entitled to…£0 apart from JSA and has to jump through hoops, simply wasn’t worth it. Unfortunately when you own property benefits don’t come to you. This is in Scotland.

You’ve had a horrible shock but you need to find out a bit more.if he’s been there 6 years why sack him now? 60k is well paid but not high enough where he’d have been expected to be working 6 days a week/weekends et. It doesn’t sound like your quality of life would have been particularly high tbh. What was the basis of the sacking and did he agree a reference.

What savings do you have. If you could ride out a few months, hopefully he can find something new even if he has a commute. Realistically you will probably struggle to pick much else up now unless you’re well enough to pick up temp Christmas work.

OP you will be fine.

We’ve been in the same position. Do you have savings / family that can help? You should be able to take a three month mortgage holiday. Any credit cards you have pay those off or workout a payment plan with them. Council tax call and explain your situation, they’ll work with.

It’s an awful feeling but it’ll work out okay, it just has to. You can rent out your home or sell up at anytime, although if you sell before your mortgage deal ends you’ll likely have penalty fees. At the end of the day it’s just a house, you can make anyway your home. It’s not worth stressing about, control what you can. Make every cutback possible and tell your husband to take whatever job he can find to help pay bills until something else comes along.

For those suggesting OP rents her house out - you can't do this when you have a help to buy loan. It must be paid off in full first

You could go full time, while he took care of the children until he finds another well paid job. You can ask for a years mortgage break and apply for universal credit. This would mean you don't pay council tax, if you don't earn enough. Perhaps take in a lodger if you have a spare room.

What a horrible shock. In the midst of all that, it's hard to feel anything but hurt. Still, as everyone says, deep breath, don't panic.

First thing to do, or at least that's how I'd feel if it was me, is figure out what's most important. A two-room bedsit with a wonderful person is way nicer than even a dream house with nobody you care for in it.

If, for you, the house is the most important, then keeping the mortgage sorted is vital. But if you demand sacrifices from another that turn out to be more than they can do, the relationship sours.

I'd give him a bit of time as well as yourself. I got booted from a job despite doing everything right, and the sense of betrayal traumatized me for years. Hopefully, he's less fragile than that.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that you have options, especially if it's the people rather than the place that's most important. You'll get through this. Give yourself some breathing room first of all.