What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

[Darkestdays]

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

@Darkestdays

Why are people going on about me wanting to keep the house and the lifestyle, I'm the one saying that and he's the one saying no! This is my frustration he's on about wanting no more responsibility but expecting to carry on as we are and I want him to be realistic that it can't happen that way. I'm not materialistic, he's more that way than I am

You've been very clear and level headed despite the shock of this, OP.

It's a huge disruption and deceit. And it must feel so threatening with one child and another on the way.

I hope you feel able to talk to your family and close friends who can give you advice that you can trust and help you through this very fraught time.

You may need some support to have a very adult conversation with him in a few days about the reality of your finances and the implications for the lifestyle you have. You are realistic about what it costs and the likely adaptations you need to make. It will help if you can both agree on this and a budget once you know more about any settlements or any benefit entitlements.

@AlbertBridge

he's saying if we sold the house for what we paid he would still be in debt for years as he can't just pay the mortgage company the house cost, they add tens of thousands of interest on that will be owed and we'll be in debt for years?

This doesn't sound right.

If you sold now, you'd repay the mortgage, plus a penalty (a few thousand) for repaying it before the end of the fixed term. You wouldn't owe "thousands and thousands" in interest. Interest is charged over the full term of the mortgage. That's why repaying your mortgage quickly (although obviously not this quickly 😬) saves you money,

I'd be annoyed that he lied about being fired, and is now being impractical. That would seriously dent my respect.

But if your monthly outgoings are really only £2.5K - but I'd want to check that for myself, if I were you - you're not in a hideously bad position.

You'll likely come out of this better. You'll move somewhere better. He'll have a job that's a better fit. Everything will be better. But I'd be scared too.

But it's sort-outable.

^^ This

I'd be really surprised if you couldn't downsize if it comes to that.

Minimise outgoings - speak to all your suppliers to either reduce or stop payments (We recently found out we're 1k in credit with our energy supplier so could claw that back if we needed to.)
Do you have a trusted friend or relative that would help with childcare if they knew it was temporary?

Maximise income - both of you take extra hours where you can. Even a bit of bar work. Cash in all supermarket vouchers like Clubcard points etc. go into money saving mode by batch cooking and cutting out treats etc.
Try not to think of it as 'its not enough' but rather 'every little helps.'

I'm a SAHM and I'd panic if DH lost his job, but TOGETHER we'd get through it.

If I were you OP I would be going through all of our figures. Researching - lots of ideas on here from people with experience and knowledge.

Work out some cashflows - see how long you can survive.

Find out the entirety of DH's dismissal package and how you can eek it out to get through as long as possible.

Not only is this information essential to have, it would give you a focus for your energy and stress, that would be productive in the long term. Another way of 'keeping busy' and getting the facts together so that you can sit down and talk when DH calms down a little.

And yes, your DH has been a prat not to have shared much sooner, but for now your focus needs to be on getting him through this with as little impact on his self esteem as possible.

All while taking care of yourself and a toddler!

Apply immediately for Universal Credit,it’s not back dated so the sooner the better.
If not already apply for Child Benefit.
Inform Council Tax of change to income.On your salary plus benefits your council tax bill should be possibly largely reduced

Hug each other.

Op calm, just calm!

He's bruised and battered, your both frightened and worried about the house and children. He's carried this worry for weeks alone trying to protect you.

It's easy to say sell the house but really it's the cost of moving and buying somewhere else and stamp duty that's the issue.

However calm!

Let him get a job, any job, let him earn again. Once he's in a job he can start looking for the right job with more money.

But stay calm, your house isn't going to be repossessed and you thrown in the streets.

@ajandjjmum

If I were you OP I would be going through all of our figures. Researching - lots of ideas on here from people with experience and knowledge.

Work out some cashflows - see how long you can survive.

Find out the entirety of DH's dismissal package and how you can eek it out to get through as long as possible.

Not only is this information essential to have, it would give you a focus for your energy and stress, that would be productive in the long term. Another way of 'keeping busy' and getting the facts together so that you can sit down and talk when DH calms down a little.

And yes, your DH has been a prat not to have shared much sooner, but for now your focus needs to be on getting him through this with as little impact on his self esteem as possible.

All while taking care of yourself and a toddler!

@ajandjjmum has great advice. You focus on your finances and what you need to survive and for how long. Give your DH the weekend to calm down and then discuss his final payout and future employment options early next week when you’ve got a clear financial picture. You’ll need to take the lead on the finances right now, he sounds as if he’s not thinking clearly atm.

If your current employer can offer you more hours, great, but that may not be realistic with HG, plus a new baby shortly. As a PP said, if he can’t face his previous stressful field, perhaps a sector where there’s a worker shortage like HGV drivers would be a good stopgap. I think it only take a couple of months to get the license. You’ll get through this, OP. 💐

How far along are you? Hopefully the HG will start to ease soon. Very unfair of posters saying you're not pulling your weight etc - being pregnant and caring for little children is hardly easy and you taking on all of that is what allows DH to have a high earning job.

It sounds like he might need to take a step back from everything for a while though. If I were you I'd get him to do the childcare and you take the lead on sorting out outgoings (ie cutting back on things, getting better deals, talking to your mortgage provider) and finding out what benefits you might be entitled to. Once you've settled all that stuff then you can both think about how to up your earnings through work. This will of course be a lot easier for him as he's not pregnant.

You need your mortgage lenders' permission to rent your house out. They will normally only permit it if you change to a buy to let mortgage and this is unlikely to be forthcoming if you don't have a large amount of equity. You could take in a lodger or two. If your husband has been sacked,references could be an issue. He might want to consider gaining another qualification while part-timing in lower paid work. Try and avoid self-employment unless it is combined with a permanent job to provide a secure income.

@RussianSpy101

This is a huge lesson about trying to live a flashy lifestyle. You took the biggest mortgage you could, had to use help to buy to afford it and have an expensive lease, Champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget.

Your DH must’ve felt under so much pressure, I’m not surprised he’s struggled.
You need to support him and stop pressuring him into finding another decent job.
Get the house on the market, return the car and get one you can afford and find a job with more hours / ask if you can increase yours to full time whilst your DH job hunts. Many women work FT whilst pregnant with a child, it’s doable.

Well said

We could have had a much bigger, flashier house had we pushed ourselves to the max. But we decided to settle for a mid range house than needed work and that we could easily afford. We have a fair amount of money leftover each month. We are very glad we did that now with costs spiralling. At least the buffer we built in cushions it.

Extending your borrowing to the max is never a good idea.

You need your mortgage lenders' permission to rent your house out. They will normally only permit it if you change to a buy to let mortgage

We have had two times when we have rented our house out both for more than 2 years without moving to a but to let mortgage.

@DaphneDeloresMoorhead
@RussianSpy101

Kick a girl while she is down. Why not?

You don't know what made them make the choice to buy that particular house. But "I told you so" "you shouldn't have bought a big house" just isn't really helpful.

Op speak with the lender and see what they'll do to reduce payments etc.

Good luck you'll get there.

Also just after dc were born and v poorly DH's job/move fell through at the last moment.
He had no job in his company and our plans were turned upside down.
It was very stressful at the time.
15 years on it is just a memory, everything worked out well in the end.
I'm not saying this to be a smug git but give you hope that you and your DH can weather this storm.
But yes it is blinking scary at the time and I really feel for you.

@RussianSpy101
@DaphneDeloresMoorhead
Have you ever had HG?

It sounds like he is in complete denial. It also sounds like you have trusted him with the finances and he is in over his head.
You need the full facts and I suspect there are more revelations to come for you. Don’t get angry, if he starts being honest now, you can get out of this, you have each other, but you need the full and honest truth now.

Can you have your child taken care of tomorrow while you get the full truth, get a list of all debts and outgoings. Be open with the bank and any other lenders, do this immediately and don’t let your husband delay you. Ring everyone on Monday and get some breathing space while you figure out what to do.

Do you have an Employee Assistance programme at work? If you do, call them for support.

Good luck.

Make a plan, it will make you both feel better. This could include visiting the job centre, completing benefits paperwork, looking around for jobs and building a cv with job centre help. .

It might be an idea to briefly check if there’s work available with unsocial hours and also social hours around your working hours to avoid paying childcare. He also could look for a less stressful job with the opportunity to do lots of paid overtime.

What sort of job does he do presently? Has he transferable skills? Some better paid jobs include delivery driving and working for Royal Mail.

Deal with finances. Get rid of the hire car and possibly child care depending on the working hours of a new job. Shop at Aldi, rent a bedroom out while pregnant. Maximise income, minimise outgoings

Don’t move house, see if you can make things work. I know life is at a low ebb now but this could be the start of something much better, although it might take time to really get established.

it's important that he signs on asap, for continuity of NI contributions.
many people overlook this, and it can cause huge problems years later.

@SarahAndQuack

I'm shocked by posters blaming you for this.

It was very wrong of him to lie to you. No wonder you feel awful. I would feel very betrayed by a partner who didn't admit he'd had problems at work to the point his job was at risk, let alone that he'd actually lost the job.

I'm not naive, and I realise that most people earning the sort of salary he does, do depend on partners (or paid help) to look after children, especially when they're tiny. It's fairly obvious why you're not working full time. But I wonder if he hasn't actually processed the facts here: if you were to work full time, you'd need nursery fees for a child who's not eligible for the free hours, plus nursery fees for a newborn soon. And that's assuming you could up your hours as a pregnant woman!

Frankly, I am stunned he thinks you should be 'supporting' him. Ok, sure, if he'd come to you when all of this started and said his job had become vulnerable, you should have supported him. But when he's concealed the truth for weeks? When you're pregnant and not really in a position to do much? He needs to cop on.

This! OP you’ve had some really shitty responses. Sadly I think in trying to not stick the boot in to him you’ve inadvertently left yourself open to a massive pile on as if your some lazy gold digger driving a good man to ruin. I think it’s really clear why you haven’t been able to work more and that he needs to face the music that either he finds a job earning close to that then your lifestyle needs to change.

@tootiredtospeak

Seriously have a word with yourself so you cant possibly earn more but he has too. He sidnt know this would happen when you committed to the house. It probably is a stressful job for that much money find your compassion it's a house. Your babies having their Dad around is more important. Read some statistics about male suicide for this exact reason. Sorry if that's seems harsh I know you have had a shock.

Absolutely this! Support your husband rather than concentrating on him getting a high paying job!

You are very focussed on what he earns but you need to work out what your expenses are, what you can cut and therefore the minimum you need per month. IMHO you shouldn't get the absolute biggest mortgage you can as you can't guarantee keeping a job at £X salary.

You may need to both look at getting jobs.

You need to calm down as I'm sure you're DH will be stressed about this and I can understand why he was worried about how you would react. Even your thread title is dramatic.

What are rental incomes like your way?

Can you rent house to cover the mortgage as a minimum and then rent somewhere cheaper for you and he gets the type of job he says he wants?

Almost like a trial lifestyle of the one he wants whilst bills are covered and then when he's accepted the 2 don't match you can either sell the house or if he decides he wants that lifestyle and gets another higher paid job move back in?

I can't be doing with reading all the "poor little menz" posts but I have read all yours, @Darkestdays.

Your DH is living in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks you'll be able to hang on to your current house and earn 1/3 of what he was earning before, especially as you pushed yourselves to the limit to achieve your current home.

He has to wake up to the reality of your situation, and soon. I'd push him to go to the GP and talk over his stress/distress/delusional feelings. And I'd be really worried about trusting him if he can't tell you something as fucking majorly impactful on your life as this!!

In the meantime I can see that you've said you'll look into the mortgage and benefits issues. Hopefully he will open up more about the exact terms of his job termination as well - you'll need to know whether it was dismissal, redundancy or what it was before you can potentially do anything about it.

And yes, you'll need to see about moving asap, before your debt spirals out of control. Maybe look into renting your house out - go and talk to an estate agent - and rent somewhere cheaper yourselves. But that would depend on being able to get a tenant who will pay more in rent than your mortgage costs, of course. Still, it's an option to investigate, I think!

Working from home - good idea - but someone has to look after the toddler and you also have to deal with the hyperemesis and upcoming new baby, so your DH has to look into that as an option too.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this - it's a massive stress and would have most people in a tailspin.

@Viviennemary

Is there a time when you are not deeply unpleasant, you seem utterly,utterly ghastly, neither articulate or amusing but really just goady and vile to people going through difficult times
An insufferable twat of a troll

Why is male depression a dangerous concept?
Can't find who posted this now but can someone expand?

Firstly get yourself on entitledto website and work out what benefits you're entitled to. After X amount of weeks you will be entitled to claim the interest on your mortgage so you can speak to your mortgage provider and pay interest only whilst you get yourself sorted.

Secondly, get rid of your expensive lease car, even if it means handing it back and it shafting your credit rating, you can't afford it so it goes

Thirdly, there's a lot of driving jobs out there at the moment, he might have grandfather rights on his licence to drive a 7.5 tonne lorry, companies are screaming out for drivers, paying well but he'll have to put the hours in.