What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

[Darkestdays]

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

Ring your mortgage company and then get an estate agent round. You need to understand your options.
Why do you expect to be in negative equity? House prices are up most places. Personally I'd get in on the market before things slow for winter, especially if you are no longer tied to the area.
Maybe the house is now unrealistic and your family might be more cramped but would be better off emotionally somewhere smaller.
Your husband is clearly distressed and you seem to be heaping the pressure on.
Okay you can't financially support the family but you can be pragmatic.

£2500 roughly including nursery fees and expensive lease car

@Iggly

My DH was made redundant although he did get paid off. Your DH should have been given a redundancy payment unless he has some something terrible??

If he’s been made redundant then there is some money in the short term.

You’re angry - on many levels - but you need to try and accept the anger but don’t lash out with it because that’s counterproductive.

Your DH will need time to process this and work through options. I’m not surprised he wants to take lower paid jobs - my DH was exactly the same - basically he had a massive crisis of confidence and convinced himself he couldn’t do a high paid job again. Try and bear that in mind.

Take each day as it comes. If you work together you should be able to sort things out.

It sounds like he was sacked after disciplinary action. However if he tries to get a payout he would likely succeed as it’s more expensive for employers to go to tribunal

If he has been sacked after a disciplinary then it needs to have been gross misconduct. If he had been working there for more than 2 years of course.

Are you sure you have the full truth? If it was gross misconduct then that may be why he doesnt want to look for jobs in the same industry.

If it wasn't gross misconduct but they've tried o make it look that way, could he claim unfair dismissal? Even if they just didnt follow proper procedure then he could get a pay out. That takes a long time though and he needs to tell you the dill truth so you know what can happen next.

I wouldn't expect you to be in negative equity given that standard deposits are now at least 5% and the increase in house prices pretty much everywhere in the last 12 months. That would only happen if you had taken a 100% mortgage and then prices had dropped.

OP, this has been a terrible shock, but when you have had some sleep, you can sit down and work out a way forward.
Your DH is alive, so in that respect you are in a better place than several other mothers posting on MN tonight.
Your DH has the potential to find another job, it may take a little while.
Mortgage companies have been extremely flexible and helpful during the pandemic. I am sure they will give you good advice and a payment holiday.
Citizens advice and the charity Turn2us might be able to give you some help.
You have a job and the possibility of increasing your hours.
I don't understand your fears about negative equity. Mortgage valuations are usually less that market value, so I am not sure how you could have got a much larger mortgage unless you have other assets as security.
Talk it through with DH tomorrow.

@backtoschool1234

I wouldn't expect you to be in negative equity given that standard deposits are now at least 5% and the increase in house prices pretty much everywhere in the last 12 months. That would only happen if you had taken a 100% mortgage and then prices had dropped.

We took out the biggest mortgage we could get and used the maximum help to buy equity loan to top up our deposit. So we owe the Gov 20% of the house value, I'm a bit clueless but he's saying if we sold the house for what we paid he would still be in debt for years as he can't just pay the mortgage company the house cost, they add tens of thousands of interest on that will be owed and we'll be in debt for years? I need to look into it all, I earn so little I'm not even on the mortgage as I made our interest rate worst so I'm not sure how it works

@Teeheehee1579

The poor guys has probably been so stressed and shocked that all he wants to do is get off the rat race too which is precisely what you have done (and he has enabled you to) so give him a flippin break. I know you are shocked but this has actually made me quite cross

This

I get it op. It must be incredibly frustrating that he is burying his head in the sand.
Can you suggest that you speak to a financial counsellor to look at the options. He might listen more to a third party. In the meantime I think getting onto your bank and getting a mortgage holiday would be a good move
Best wishes

Is there any way he can go freelance / self-employed?

I know it’s a shock but these things do happen. It’s happened to me and DH before (not disciplinary, but surprise redundancy). That’s why we make sure we have savings to cushion us because only a very lucky person will go their whole working life never out of work. It gives us breathing room to regroup and apply for new job.

He should not have kept things from you. Maybe he was in denial that he’d lose his job? Anyway, it’s done and he does seem very upset by things and probably not wise to insist he go back into cut throat industry to earn same wage as before. But sounds too that his confidence is at all time low if only looking at £20k jobs. Maybe encourage him and coach him so he has confidence to apply for something not as stressful as before but also not something that he is overqualified for.

It is terrifying to be in negative equity, but a valid option would be to downsize to a rental property and rent out the larger home for a few years until it’s gained enough value to sell it at a profit. Then you can buy again.

You can save on nursery fees because he can be home with the child while you work and do job searching when you are off work.

If you can work FT or more hours, do that as well. Not sure you physically can, your health comes first.

But you’re not fucked. You can get through this.

Teehee is right. And he hadn't even begun go process it yet because he's been hiding it for so long.

Give yourselves a couple of days to let it sink in. It's not an unsolvable situation. Plenty of great people get fired and it doesn't stunt their careers, it's not the end of the world. Plus we're still in the midst of remote working so he may well find something where he can work from home, at least in the short of medium term.

He needs an action plan too: to think through what he was criticised for and work out how hes going to address it. He also needs to work on his confidence because its clearly taken a massive hit. He needs to dust off his cv, brush up his skillet and get applying.

I'm not dismissing the strain you're under at all, but these are the sorts of situations where men's mh can take a real dive so he may benefit from gp support and some counselling or cbt.

Get all the support you can for yourself too.

Work out the minimum you need to get by and aim for that in the short term. You can make a plan to relocate in a year if you need to, you just need to get by for now.

Speak to your mortgage provider, bank, DWP etc.

You're going to figure this out, between you and you will be ok

Market is really buoyant generally unless your DH does something particularly niche. Many Companies offering remote working, so as long as he can manage the travel when he does have to go in it’s probably a more manageable situation than the current set of circumstances, especially if he is earning close to his previous income. If he is looking at jobs for 20k he can earn probably earn double that, and possibly more, being an LGV driver and they are in great demand at the moment .

You said he had a disciplinary.
So that means he did something wrong.

He should speak to ACAS and see if he has a chance of getting his job back if he was unfairly dismissed. Or compensation.

Do you have any kind of insurance for your mortgage that may kick in? I’m thinking probably not as there was a disciplinary rather than a redundancy. But worth asking him.

Does he have transferrable skills so he could get a job somewhere else? He will still be paid at the end of this month presumably. Spend it wisely. Cancel Netflix and all unnecessary things. Sell one of your cars. Claim benefits ASAP.

@TheWoleb

If he has been sacked after a disciplinary then it needs to have been gross misconduct. If he had been working there for more than 2 years of course.

Are you sure you have the full truth? If it was gross misconduct then that may be why he doesnt want to look for jobs in the same industry.

If it wasn't gross misconduct but they've tried o make it look that way, could he claim unfair dismissal? Even if they just didnt follow proper procedure then he could get a pay out. That takes a long time though and he needs to tell you the dill truth so you know what can happen next.

God knows. I will try and get more out of him tomorrow when it's calmed down. He's just in bits about disappointing us but I'm not disappointed about anything other than him keeping it from me. I just want a sensible conversation about our options but it's obviously too soon for that as he's being so protective of our current life saying it can't change, he will have to be honest with himself and me about a lot of things

You can’t have a sensible discussion when you’re both in shock. Trust me, I have been there with my DH losing his job when I was pregnant with DC2 and it was terrifying and I was angry with him and yet I still needed to support him and deal with his emotions too - it was horrible. So I absolutely fully sympathise.

But you can’t have a sensible discussion when you’re both in shock.

You need to look at your absolutely non-negotiable outgoings and then go from there, calmly in the morning or on Monday, even. There will be a way through it. But don’t be at loggerheads now. You really need to understand why and how he lost his job - if they managed him out properly, why he was underperforming in the first place - and he can’t open up to you about that if you’re angry and telling him life is ruined. Even if that’s how you feel right now, you’ll have to suppress that.

Vent here, or to a trusted friend, but you’ll only get through this as a team so try to pull together not apart.

If he had the experience and qualifications to earn 65k then I'm sure he will be a sort after guy if he starts looking for jobs now. Even a 30k pay cut and you can still afford life.

I'd get him job hunting tomorrow morning. Treat it like a job. Start at 9 and finish at 5. Make sure he puts everything into getting another job.

Apply for benefits in the mean time. And see if you up your hours if you're not to ill.

It will be fine.

How big are your nursery fees if you only work 15 hours a week?

Do you have any savings? How many months can you meet your minimum commitments for?
You need to sit down together tomorrow and work out what outgoings can be cut and how much he needs to earn for you to stay afloat, even if it's far from comfortable.
If your outgoings are £2500 and you earn something then you don't necessarily need a 50k wage and so things might look less doomed.
Can he sign up to an agency to keep something coming in?

OP, this doesn’t sound like the full story at all. When you know what happened you can at least find out if it is worth pursuing some cash from his ex-employer. What industry was it?

I think at this point you have to put his mental health first and consider downsizing, surely you'd rather he had a job with less responsibility and was happy rather than breaking under the strain of something that's too much for him?

My husband became increasingly unhappy in a high pressure job and took a much less well paid job with my encouragement. After a few of years he is back earning much more, but also much happier. I
Your on needs your support right now, and even a low paid job is better than nothing, but it could also help him find something he really wants to do.

OP, you've had a huge shock. You're facing uncertain times.

You need to try to get some sleep. Rest, you need it. Give your DH a hug and let him know that you're a team and will work through this together.

Tomorrow, try to find a calm time (can DC go to grandparents for a visit) and write down your commitments, what help may be available and all of your options. Don't dismiss any ideas until they've been properly explored.

Listen to him. Ask him to give you the full situation so that you can plan together.

Try not to to be angry. While it's understandable, It's not going to help. Listen to him and work through it together.

Why are people going on about me wanting to keep the house and the lifestyle, I'm the one saying that and he's the one saying no! This is my frustration he's on about wanting no more responsibility but expecting to carry on as we are and I want him to be realistic that it can't happen that way. I'm not materialistic, he's more that way than I am

I'm shocked by posters blaming you for this.

It was very wrong of him to lie to you. No wonder you feel awful. I would feel very betrayed by a partner who didn't admit he'd had problems at work to the point his job was at risk, let alone that he'd actually lost the job.

I'm not naive, and I realise that most people earning the sort of salary he does, do depend on partners (or paid help) to look after children, especially when they're tiny. It's fairly obvious why you're not working full time. But I wonder if he hasn't actually processed the facts here: if you were to work full time, you'd need nursery fees for a child who's not eligible for the free hours, plus nursery fees for a newborn soon. And that's assuming you could up your hours as a pregnant woman!

Frankly, I am stunned he thinks you should be 'supporting' him. Ok, sure, if he'd come to you when all of this started and said his job had become vulnerable, you should have supported him. But when he's concealed the truth for weeks? When you're pregnant and not really in a position to do much? He needs to cop on.