What the fuck do I do? Life fallen apart overnight

[Darkestdays]

I'm a mum to a 2 year old and I'm pregnant with my second. I work 15 hours per week and don't earn much. DH has been a high earner for past 6 years. We've just taken out a big mortgage 8 months ago.

He's been a grumpy bastard for the past 3 weeks, we've argued loads and tonight I lost it and said I can't deal with how argumentative he's being when I'm exhausted with pregnancy sick with HG, looking after toddler and working PT and wtf is wrong with him. He burst into tears, I've never seen him cry before, and admits he's lost his job.

It was a career in a cut throat industry and they simply decided he wasn't doing well enough and he was gone. He had a formal disciplinary a week ago. I'm furious he didn't tell me so we could of tried to find him a union rep but he's done it all alone for fear of disappointing me.

He's upset that I'm not supporting him since it all came out tonight but I'm just in bits. How are we supposed to cope without his salary? He earns £65k and I earn £7k! I can't afford our council tax bill on top of nursery fees let alone the mortgage. We can't sell within the first year can we, aren't we going to be in negative equity and end up in debt for years? I feel like my life has just fallen apart

@Bluntness100

the mother is able to raise her children at home”

What are you talking about? We all raise our children at home. The fact fhey go to child care ans then school doesn’t mean we don’t raise our own children

What an awful thing to write.

Oh gosh such a terrible thing to write, almost as bad as saying being a SAHM is ‘pointless’. How terrible of me to say I raised my children at home when they were tiny and not in a nursery. Nit-picking at its finest 😬

OP, hope you have had some time to try and talk things through. A job loss out of the blue is bad enough without adding HG plus another to look after. I can only suggest drawing up a list of who to contact and how re the absolute necessity of bills and DH must get straight onto the jobs sites such as Indeed and apply apply apply then chase chase chase. Good luck with it. It's worrying but hopefully something will come through

Derbee read the rest of my posts. I have my own savings. We have 3 months savings jointly to cover if that happened and yes my income would actually cover our priority Bill's its 1400 a month. Mortgage £750 CT 130 Electric 110 Water 40 Food 360. I could also increase my hours and FT would earn 28k. I have given significant thought to my financial safety over the years especially when I met a new partner after being a single mum. I had 10 months mat leave and left my kids with a mix of family and nursery but even if it was nursery when I worked. I dont think the benefits of being a SAHM outweighs that.

Also he isn't my husband.

@tootiredtospeak you’re exhausting. Nobody cares that you have a preference for working in a low paid job rather than being a SAHP. People are annoyed that you’ve referred to people choosing to be SAHPs as “pointless”.

😂😂 only on mumsnet is a 20k salary for 26hrs a low paid job. That's made me chuckle thanks.

£20k after a “lifetime working in finance” is not a salary which justifies pontificating about financial vulnerability when you live with a partner who earns double what you do. Whether you find that funny or not.

Definitely going to resist the urge to respond to your nonsense anymore.

I hope most peoples lifetime lasts longer than 22 years. I have only ever worked FT for 2 years the rest part time. My income covers my family essential outgoings. That's seems to piss you off why I dont know. I am not bragging I am saying I have considered financially that I can manage on my salary whatever that is. I dont have to have my partners that means I am not financially vunerable like some may be. You can slag of my income all you like if it makes you feel better but I find it laughable that you suggest a 20k salary isn't enough. It is I have already explained below it covers our mortgage food and bills. Your just not making sense.

I think this is going down hill quite frankly.

Too tired makes a good point that her earnings are enough to cover them if one of them looses their job, and to the poster who said it, quite frankly no one “ raises their child in a nursery,’ like no one “raises them in a school” just because your child goes to school during the day, we all raise our kids , we raise them in our homes, doing so doesn’t mean they are not permitted to leave. Nor does it mean we aren’t raising our own.

Christ you poor thing.
You just need to get at things very quickly.

1. Get something from your gp for your sickness if you’ve been reluctant to before. You can’t be ill and deal with all this as well.
2. See if there’s anything you can do to fight the company that sacked him. Ring ACAS and check it’s all been done correctly.
3. Work out how long you have to work with any redundancy pay he has.
4. Both get on job hunting websites and start firing off applications every chance you get. There are lots of work from home jobs on there. I put an application form in for one and was offered a job inside of a week.

@Bluntness100 - You take from a post what suits you, you are always nit-picking, or finding a way to attack posters, or dragging them down and I’ve seen many posters call you out on it before.

@tootiredtospeak

Derbee read the rest of my posts. I have my own savings. We have 3 months savings jointly to cover if that happened and yes my income would actually cover our priority Bill's its 1400 a month. Mortgage £750 CT 130 Electric 110 Water 40 Food 360. I could also increase my hours and FT would earn 28k. I have given significant thought to my financial safety over the years especially when I met a new partner after being a single mum. I had 10 months mat leave and left my kids with a mix of family and nursery but even if it was nursery when I worked. I dont think the benefits of being a SAHM outweighs that.

So you benefited financially because you had family to help care for your kids, many don’t. You either pay someone else to look after your child, nursery or childminder, or you don’t earn the money and look after them yourself. Both have the same result, being a SAHM also means you get to spend valuable years being with your children.

You have both had a massive shock. He is wanting to avoid the pressure by saying he wants to work in a £20,000 job. You know you can’t keep house/lifestyle on the salary.

Check if he is going to get pay from his job
You could ask you mortgage company for a payment holiday/break.
Check what benefits you are entitled to through CAB.
There has never been a Better time for working at home opportunities for high paid jobs. So when he is ready I would suggest that he broadens his job search to a bigger geographical area but looks for working at home roles.

Wrong I paid my family what I would have paid for childcare. I chose not to be a SAHM for all the reasons outlined already. I am not making wild assumptions about you do me the same.

@tootiredtospeak

Wrong I paid my family what I would have paid for childcare. I chose not to be a SAHM for all the reasons outlined already. I am not making wild assumptions about you do me the same.

Your situation is no different to a SAHM, you choose to pay someone to look after your children, I chose not to and look after my children myself. You chose to work instead of looking after your children because being ‘financial independent’ was clearly more important to you. My children were more important than me having financial independent.

Wrong again I choose to work and look after my children. They dont magically disappear because I work. When I worked and they weren't of school age. They went to a nursery once a week as I chose this as I thought it would be good to socialise with other children from a young age and they were looked after by my Mum who I paid £50 a day also to do. I worked 2 days 16 hours then later when they were nearing school time 21 and now 26. When I worked 16 hours I had a much smaller house and mortgage. Why are you trying to be goady. It's weird. My advice is sound whether you like it or not.

@tootiredtospeak - You’re the only one who has been goady. Again, you preferred to pay your Mum and a nursery money to look after your children whilst you worked because ‘financial independence’ was very important to you.
What’s weird is that you think a mother/father looking after their own children is ‘pointless’, as opposed to putting their children in nursery. I think that says a lot more about you than me.

Right your pissing me off now. Someone has to work for you to stay at home and look after your child. Either your partner or all or us. Do you hold that partner or society with such disregard too. My point is that not working makes you financially vunerable if said partner leaves or loses their job. It's a fact deal with it.

@tootiredtospeak - It’s quite funny how you are suddenly getting enraged, you make an insulting comment but when you don’t agree with my comment, you’re ‘pissed off!’
I told you I worked evenings, so I didn’t have to rely on my partner for everything. We both had to rely on each other, him to do his job, whilst I care for our children, him to look after the children whilst I worked evenings.
People lose their jobs everyday and not every partner leaves their wife, if they do, then off course you’d be left with only certain options.
The strange thing is, you keep barking on about financial independence but I called you out on your post about being a SAHP, as ‘pointless’.
Imagine I was paying full-time childcare for my two children which would have been more than I earned, so I chose to be a SAHM but according to you, it’s pointless.

I have my kids to bath and do homework with. So I leave it at this. I spoke with a group of 5 females today at swimming all friends 2 work 3 dont. I discussed this thread and the fact that I think it's a pointless financial risk to be a SAHP when you can do what both you and I have done. Work PT or do evening/weekend work and ensure you have your own income. None got offended they all accepted that there was indeed a risk that they had weighed up and chosen to take. That is their prerogative. They didnt deny the risk or get offended that I didnt see the substance in their choice, as I dont feel being a SAHP benefit their children more significantly than working parents do. They just accepted it's a difference of opinion. Dont choose to be that person that gets offended by others opinions if they differ from your own. It will help you in life.

@Lady08 you’re wasting your time, I’m afraid. There’s no arguing with this woman. She’s either purposefully obtuse, or goady. She called SAHPs “pointless”. When multiple people pointed out it was rude, she harps on about financial vulnerability, rather than acknowledging that it was rude and unnecessary to call a large swathe of the population “pointless”, despite what she thinks about the financial points.

Some people have such negative experiences in relationships that they don’t understand the concept of a couple taking a joint decision about how income/childcare is arranged and think it all has to be every man (or woman) for himself (or herself). She’s entitled to her opinion, and she will not accept that calling people “pointless” is rude.

£20,000 jobs are bot necessarily less stressful- just a heads up. He sounds very much as though his self esteem has taken a vattering. Have hom google low stress jobs and work iut which would suit his skillset. I know lots of people on 30-40k in low stress jobs- in fact civil servants always come on here to complain they have nothing to do!

@tootiredtospeak

I have my kids to bath and do homework with. So I leave it at this. I spoke with a group of 5 females today at swimming all friends 2 work 3 dont. I discussed this thread and the fact that I think it's a pointless financial risk to be a SAHP when you can do what both you and I have done. Work PT or do evening/weekend work and ensure you have your own income. None got offended they all accepted that there was indeed a risk that they had weighed up and chosen to take. That is their prerogative. They didnt deny the risk or get offended that I didnt see the substance in their choice, as I dont feel being a SAHP benefit their children more significantly than working parents do. They just accepted it's a difference of opinion. Dont choose to be that person that gets offended by others opinions if they differ from your own. It will help you in life.

@tootiredtospeak - You totally missed the point…did you tell the 3 that were SAHP’s they were pointless though?

Also how is it is giving you much financial gain when childcare eats up nearly a whole wage anyway? Let alone if you have two in nursery? Please explain that? If I put my two in nursery I would be paying the equivalent of my wage and maybe over a quarter of DH wage and living on less than one wage anyway? How does that work? We’d be losing money? That would be pointless.

I've been following this argument about sahps that seems to have totally derailed this thread. I have never seen anyone on Mumsnet that is so rude and vile towards an entire section of society - I seriously don't understand her absolute bitterness towards these people.
Fwiw I am a sahm and have been for the past 23 years and I don't for one minute think any day of any of these years has been pointless. I love my life and am happy to stay home - I can afford not to work and in my opinion that means I'm not taking a job that someone else needs more.
Sahps are valuable - not pointless.
As for financial security - I'm married and have financial security whereas you're not even married so who's better off?

Have a read of the....any SAHM decided to leave/divorced their husband/partner thread and then tell me again being married with no income of your own puts you in a better position than unmarried me with mine.