why do you think your single friends are single?

[forkjuggler]

I'm the single friend here. All my friends married or in long term relationships. By contrast, I'm divorced and have always been the one in 1-3 year relationships while they've all been coupled up. We were chatting about my terrible luck with men and I get all the usual platitudes from them about there being someone out there for me.

However, I can't help thinking they'll all have views about why I'm in my 40's and still without a decent relationship. Can it really be bad luck???

I'm interested in views from you lot on why you think some people struggle to meet anyone decent, while others pair up with ease?

God knows - As I’m the single friend !

I blame bad luck with men tho personally

I think the same, I’m a single mum and I’ve been single for 4 years (though admittedly I’ve not been looking) but a lot of single mums I know seem to jump very quickly into new relationships and I’m not sure how they do it. I know my friends think it’s weird that I’ve been single for so long.

I have a fabulous single friend who has never been married and no DC. I have no idea why she is single she is fab, fun, intelligent and solvent and attractive too

May be down to lack of opportunity as I don’t think she keen on OLD

One of my very dear friends is single. She is bloody fantastic and anyone would be lucky to have her. She was just unlucky and didn't meet anyone in her 20s & 30s. But then I think meeting someone became such a huge thing in her head that somehow she can't quite bring herself to put herself out there - so no internet dating and no actively looking. As a result, she never meets available men. I think this has been s contributing factor in her still being single.

I have to say, a significant proportion of the single women I know seem to be very emotionally high maintenance. Social media dramas, attention seeking, making mountains out of molehills, but still think they deserve Tom Hardy. I'm sure this doesn't apply to you though OP.

Glad I'm not the only one @changemaname1 , @Happycat1212

I'm also amazed that people seem to find a connection with someone so quickly.

Knew of one school dad whose wife died. He was perfectly nice, if a little dull. He was remarried within a year with a baby on the way!

I just can't work out whether they are the types of people who just hit it off with people really well, or are not being too fussy about who they get together with.

The overall factor is not actively looking - ie they want a relationship but won’t online date or speak to men in real life. Some have had traumatic events or low self esteem issues that make them less confident, so I’m obviously sympathetic. It is a bit annoying when they wonder why men don’t just magically appear at their door though!

Oh yes speaking of fussy, I have been the single friend for whole expanses of time too. I think some people are tbh blander and keener on having relationships so will “fit in” with more people, either naturally or by moulding to fit. I’m an outspoken sarcastic raucous type so had to look for longer until I found someone I loved who also found those qualities endearing, the poor sap.

Confidence?
I have a fab single friend (been single as long as I've known her), and once you get to know her she's really funny, intelligent and kind. However, she's naturally an introvert - so all of these things are perhaps not immediately apparent. So she sort of just doesn't get the chance to show anyone how great she is.

I would say -

A lot to do with luck. I think luck plays a part in many aspects, such as timing, as to whether you meet your perfect match in the first place.

Having realistic expectations and realising that it can’t be perfect all the time and there will fall outs etc... some people want the fairytale dream and the reality often isn’t as rosey, so some people would sack it off and move on at this stage. Ie seeking the initial lust feeling.

@TolpuddleFarter

I have to say, a significant proportion of the single women I know seem to be very emotionally high maintenance. Social media dramas, attention seeking, making mountains out of molehills, but still think they deserve Tom Hardy. I'm sure this doesn't apply to you though OP.

This made me laugh! I do wonder if I am being too fussy, but I'd be quite happy with a middle aged bloke with a dad bod who was fun to be with!

I totally agree there are plenty drama queens out there, but as pp's have said, there are also plenty of lovely, fun, single women in the same boat. Just can't work it out!

It must be lack of effort😊

I have been single for 7 years and life is easier! Not financially as that is a ball ache. I have no desire to look for a partner at all. A few of my friends are with men for the sake of not being single - I don't want a relationship like that.

@TheThermalStair

The overall factor is not actively looking - ie they want a relationship but won’t online date or speak to men in real life. Some have had traumatic events or low self esteem issues that make them less confident, so I’m obviously sympathetic. It is a bit annoying when they wonder why men don’t just magically appear at their door though!

This is true. I don’t think many women in their mid-late 30’s/40’s meet men in bars these days.

I think back in the day, single men would actively go out looking for women to meet so there would have been more chance say 20 years ago. These days with online dating we don’t need to go out to meet a date.

So I do wonder if those that are adamant they won’t try OLD are going to miss the boat. I don’t know how else you’d meet people these days.... so I think people are won’t try it are losing out.

It’s also think men have to be a bit more cautious these days because saying ‘altogether pet can I buy you a drink sugar lips’ would probably end up with a police caution.

See that’s another thing. OLD isn’t for me so I will probably never meet anyone but I’m ok with that

@Happycat1212

See that’s another thing. OLD isn’t for me so I will probably never meet anyone but I’m ok with that

I wouldn’t say you’ll never meet anyone but I do think it’s restricting the pool. Although tbf you have to kiss a few frogs on there before you meet your price!

prince

Bloody hell OP, those poor DCs. How selfish of the father. Losing their mum then being forced to play happy families so quickly with a new half sibling!

I have 2 friends who were single/in a string of shorter relationships for many years (now both in 40s).
One was because they mostly went for exciting, fun, and arrogant types, who strangely all kept turning out to be utter bastards. On the occasion they picked someone genuinely lovely, they quickly decided they were too dull. All of us as friends just wished they would finally 'get' that it's OK for a relationship not to be super-exciting craziness all of the time, and kindness and stability is worth the odd duller day.
The other friend had years of an abusive relationship when a teen and young adult, so was quite happily single with the occasional FWB. We all just wanted her to meet a nice lovely person, I don't recall any judgements over why it hadn't happened yet.
Both have now got partners and are a few years into their relationships.

I genuinely don't know why my single friends are single tbh. I haven't actually thought about it.

We only talk about it when they choose to raise it, which isn't very often. My impression is that they are all reasonably content with their single status, for now at least. A couple of them have fairly recently left abusive relationships, so I doubt they're ready to pair up again yet. The others just seem really contented on their own.

There are so many different things that we talk about when we're together - it doesn't all centre around relationships. I actually had to stop and think about which of my friends were single before I answered your post.

I guess if any of them were really unhappy with their single status, we would talk about it more, and I would probably have more theories as to why they hadn't found anyone. As things stand, I don't really think about it.

Some of my single friends are single because they are having too much fun to settle down.

I have a single friend who is absolutely gorgeous and popular and has a really lovely sweet personality. She has absolutely no luck with men. She gets bored with the nice ones and picks the bad boys who turn out to be - well, bad. Another lovely friend of ours is madly in love with her and they’d make such a great couple but she doesn’t fancy him ☹️ I don’t know what the answer is really.

For me, it's building the friendship first, and the connection, then seeing how we gel, then it's the trust issue, or just presume that most people are wearing a mask and just see anyway if we connect and are a good match, if I'm honest I still care about my ex, and I don't have the desire to rush into a relationship so instead I'm taking my time and as and when I connect with a special person , then ill see how we are together.

I was the single friend from the ages of 32 to 47 and a lot of my friends and colleagues always knew me as single, to the point where they thought I was lesbian.

I’m pretty introverted, and not very girly - prefer riding bikes, travelling, allotmenting or fell walking to fashion and beauty. I went on the odd online date (which I didn’t share with them) but the process was so awful that I gave up and settled for being single, and got pretty happy with it once I’d come to terms with not having children.

Then a year ago Guardian Soulmates emailed to say they were winding up but it was free for existing accounts for the next 2 months, and in a fit of rashness I thought, “fuck it” and resurrected an old profile. Got the usual nightmares, including a 75 year old who told me “at your age you can’t afford to be choosy” when I politely declined his offer of a bike ride for two. A guy “liked” me who I almost ignored as he was divorced with two kids, but he’d put something on his profile which caught my eye and I responded. A year later and he’s very much a fixture. My friends have never been so shocked. But, they said they’d never seen me happier than when I’d come to terms with being childless and single, and added that maybe it was only then that I was open to something - that if it didn’t work out then I knew that the alternative was pretty good too.

One had her heart broken and just couldn’t get past that and didn’t want to risk it ever again. Absolutely lovely woman.

Two are single parents, one had a child with a disability. Both dc are older now but they just sort of got out of the habit of dating. One doesn’t seem to care but the other is upset by it. Again lovely women.

One gives off an air of desperation, it’s a shame. DH said he is genuinely uncomfortable being round her. She doesn’t flirt or behave badly with him at all. She is lovely but she is one of the high maintenance types mentioned upthread.

One is a relative of mine and it’s very obvious why she is single but it would just be a character assassination of a paragraph. Not lovely at all.

When I was younger I had great success with dating, apparently I gave off an air of superiority. Like they should be grateful I would give them the time of day. My main hobbies were martial arts and gaming, never met a man who wasn’t both impressed and a little intimidated by that.

Im a single woman in late 20s. Have been single for 2 years this summer - the first time I had been properly single since I started dating aged 14.

My ex broke my heart and it has made me a little gun shy. But I definitely feel ready to put myself out there again when the time is right. A couple of my exes have felt I was out of their league - this means that I often fancy men who are brilliant people but average looking. So they dont ask me out or take me seriously when I ask them out. It makes me feel really sad

With OD, I just find Tinder so shallow. I could feel myself becoming more shallow the more i swiped and would love to meet someone IRL. My friend met her fiancee on Tinder though so it depends!

My single friends are divorcees with kids. They seem to have a list of requirements in men that they won’t compromise on. Mainly that they shouldn’t have kids themselves. Few men of their age qualify in that way and those who do are dating women 10 years younger. But I do have one friend who is single by choice and happy to stay that way She’s a photo journalist and seems addicted to war zones and the extremes of life but she’s great fun to be with. She has tattooed breasts from her time in the Amazon and a gunshot wound to her upper thigh from a sniper in Aleppo. Men to her are a hobby.