why do you think your single friends are single?

[forkjuggler]

I'm the single friend here. All my friends married or in long term relationships. By contrast, I'm divorced and have always been the one in 1-3 year relationships while they've all been coupled up. We were chatting about my terrible luck with men and I get all the usual platitudes from them about there being someone out there for me.

However, I can't help thinking they'll all have views about why I'm in my 40's and still without a decent relationship. Can it really be bad luck???

I'm interested in views from you lot on why you think some people struggle to meet anyone decent, while others pair up with ease?

Barring one, all my friends are divorced or single. We range across a twenty year age gap. The one constant factor is being bright, capable feisty women with dick exes and no desire to be in a relationship again.

I'd say we all have great, busy lives and have no actual need of a man and the compromises being in a relationship brings (usually compromises by the woman IME).

I’m in my 60s. My long term single friends are intelligent women who have had decent careers and want stable, successful men; they can be emotionally demanding. What they all do/did when not being able to find anyone is drink way too much in social situations and turn into absolute nightmares.

They would say the same of some periods in my life.

It's also increasingly the norm for women not to 'settle down' in long-term relationships from the late BabyBoomer generation onwards.

@Verbena87

Of my single friends...

One has a busy, interesting job she loves which takes up lots of her time and would rather be single than in a mediocre relationship.

Two are widowed and not interested in new romantic relationships. Both have full, interesting lives and strong circles of friends, one has children and now grandchildren.

One spent years waiting for an emotionally unavailable man and seems to have (reasonably) been put off by that.

One was raped and has mental health issues around that (again reasonably), as well as chronic health conditions, and I think she doesn’t really have the emotional bandwidth for a partner.

Verbena- your friend does NOT sound like a 'top bloke' Seriously

Because they’re smart

One friend was single on and off for years, and when she wasn't single she was with bad boys (found them a bit thrilling) and chancers (she had low self esteem and they took advantage). She does seem to have finally found someone lovely, at 45.
Another had a bloody terrible experience with her ex and took about a decade to regain her trust in men. She's had one or two short-term relationships in 20 years and seems to have given up on the whole idea.
Someone else had two failed relationships and a DC. Decided that men coming and going wasn't good for the DC, so is deliberately single until her DC leaves home.

There are so many reasons for adult women being single. Bad luck, poor choices, apparently decent men having personality transplants and destroying trust, deliberate decisions to keep life simple...

I think some people are a lot less fussy and see being in a LTR as the norm, so just make it happen. It amazes me to see some people exit LTRs and are then in another LTR and moving in with a new partner within months, one after the other. Of course it can sometimes just happen like that, however in my experience meeting someone who you actually properly fall in love with generally tends to be much rarer.

I’ve observed that for some people this is just their default – they like being coupled up and dislike being single. I haven’t been single for a while but when I was I stopped dating people I wasn’t really that into (you know, those ones who are nice enough to pass the time but not really going anywhere) as I started to feel even the most casual of flings took up a load of energy and I preferred to wait until I met someone I actually liked. I enjoyed being single so was happy to wait. I think different people have different tolerances for independence and singledom.

I’m sure there are loads of other reasons and factors at play for different people too!

I’m mid thirties, had my heart broken by my X having an affair and the subsequent divorce. Currently enjoying single life though and not looking for a relationship. I think society needs to stop viewing single people as a moral failing. Sometimes it can work out much better not being emotionally/ financially entwined in another person.

I have one friend who has had several 1-2 year relationships and then generally splits up with the guy. Has very high standards for herself- no excess weight, great job, clever etc and holds men up to the same standards. Unfortunately what she wants is unrealistic. To be honest I’m not sure everyone is cut out for long term monogamous relationships (for several different reasons) and that’s fine.

Should have said, in answering this question I assumed we were talking about people who were single but would rather not be. I know/have been the happily single person too. And yes it’s irritating when people assume you’re so much sadder alone and having fun or dating hot but not relationship material men than they are with their Nigel

I don't have many friends.
From what I can see of adults I know well who are single:

(m) Scarred by LT volatile relationship, happy with his dogs instead

(f) Tried too hard for too long to save her marriage!! Then covid, but probably emotionally needy too

(f) Scarred twice by selfish men in bad marriages; she'll probably date again when her boys are mostly grown up

(m) regimented in mindset and works in a job that is very male

@YukoandHiro

Lol *@TheThermalStair* you sound exactly my sort of person. Do you find the same with friendships? I'be noticed over the years I'm definitely not everyone's cup of tea

Thanks 😊 yes I just expect now that every job I have for example I’ll probably make a couple of friends for life and totally not be one of the main “gang”, and that’s fine. Pretty sure my friendships are closer than many.

@DifferentHair yes!! It works both ways, I have 2 or 3 friends who have settled for terrible partners, and I often wonder why they seemed like better options than remaining single. One friend recently spent over 2 hours telling me about her husband’s issues then expressed concern that I must be lonely. It seems OK to question why someone is single, but if I asked her was she sure she hadn’t made a terrible mistake in marrying this guy and having kids with him, that wouldn’t be acceptable somehow.

In my friends case I’d say it’s a combination of being unbelievably picky (she binned one suitor off because he had a big forehead) and a bit much once she finds one she likes (needs to be constantly texting them and doesn’t cope well if there is a disagreement)

Such a shame cos she’s lovely and would like to be in a relationship

Honestly, my single friends are fabulous but also looking for the perfect other, 2 of them discard or write off men for the most ridiculous reasons - don't like the car, the way they laugh, too interested in sports, asked to go halves on the first date were a few reasons I remember. A different friend when single would talk about her intentions for life on the second date, if they passed certain tests on the first... not surprisingly the men seemed to then run a mile. She's unhappily coupled up now!
The reason we're all good friends is that we accept each other as we are but we also adapt as we go along, and there's give and take - I don't see that when they're looking for a relationship for some reason. Maybe they feed off each other too.

Of course a major problem is a dearth of decent, kind, fairly sorted men in the world. If you go into dating expecting roughly the same level of niceness from men that you bring to them, it seems you’re often sadly disappointed. I say this as someone who has many positive relationship experiences and tonnes of lovely male friends who I’m sure are great partners. But culture has taught a greater number of women how to be pleasant, interested, reliable, considerate etc it seems.

One other sad reason some of my friends are unwillingly “single” is that they’ve been the other man/woman in various level of affairs (emotional or physical) often over many years. Obviously they shouldn’t be doing this and I have no idea why they are - does anyone know? but it’s horrible to watch as their affair partner strings them along and sucks the life out of them.

I have three single friends of varying ages 20s to 50s and each of them are lovely, lively and intelligent. All attractive though not Hollywood standards.

I just think men are daft really. I’d happily pair up with any of them if I were that way inclined but I don’t think men like women who aren’t a bit bland.

But the older, and more cynical, I get, the harder I find it to think of any man I know who is remotely deserving of any of them.

I think there’s a huge element of settling in most relationships, even the good ones. I think women are somewhat diminished in relationships.

For one it was bad luck, she was widowed and is grieving.

But in the main they are intelligent, independent women, who are rightly particular about what they need in a life partner and cam manage quite nicely without someone in their life. A few of them do online dating and there are a lot of men with disappointing behavior.

Cross post..Yes agreee @thelegohooverer

I have a number of single friends, mostly female.
One male friend and one female friend both have ASD/ADD plus othe co-morbid conditions. The male friend has had relationships in his 20s and early 30s but nothing that lasted.
The female had teen relationships into early 20s but came from a strict family background and ended up being a carer for both parents in their old age.
Both these friends are still single.
Other single female friends -one has been caring for an elderly parent who has recently died. Works in a profession with good opportunities to meet people but doesn't seem to have had any partners for years (decades). She is funny, clever, very capable and adventurous.
Other female friend works in a stressful demanding job with long hours. She has a number of health issues and has provided part time care for ageing parents, travelling frequently to assist them with things. Has had short term relationships but never anything beyond a month or so. Again, very intelligent, funny, compassionate, but limited in what she can do because of health.

One gorgeous, 2 DCs, just too bruised from her marriage to try again and is happy.
One in her 50s is honest that she might have tried OLD but she’s not physically attractive and is overweight so figured it would be a bit pointless. She’s too content with life as it is to diet etc, she’s really not bothered to make space for a man. Career, friends, family, hobbies - all more important.
One is also in her 50s, has never had a LTR because she won’t go out, if the guy isn’t gorgeous (I mean like Chris Evans), funny, kind, solvent, intelligent, no kids, she’s not interested. Oh and as she’s not interested in sex any more, he’d have to be ok with that too. She is proudly high maintenance.
One widowed and doesn’t even think she’s single. She’s just not able to comprehend loving someone else. What she misses is not romantic/ sexual but someone to gossip over coffee with and cuddle, she’s said she’s looking for a gay best friend!

I think there’s a huge element of settling in most relationships, even the good ones. I think women are somewhat diminished in relationships. True.

In the case of one of my single friends- this

m.youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNYjg8w

I think you have higher standards, don't settle for trash 👍

@De88 I think it’s far easier to accept friends as they are because you don’t have to look at them with a view to living together and sharing your home and your life with them. It’s good to have a variety of friends. But it’s sensible to weed out potential partners. Some of the reasons you list seem fickle but some would also put me off - I wouldn’t want someone who is too interested in sports if I thought it could dominate their free time, I have absolutely zero interest in sports and would prefer a partner where we had some interests in common.