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Original poster

why do you think your single friends are single?

378 replies

forkjuggler · 04/05/2021 23:26

I'm the single friend here. All my friends married or in long term relationships. By contrast, I'm divorced and have always been the one in 1-3 year relationships while they've all been coupled up. We were chatting about my terrible luck with men and I get all the usual platitudes from them about there being someone out there for me.

However, I can't help thinking they'll all have views about why I'm in my 40's and still without a decent relationship. Can it really be bad luck???

I'm interested in views from you lot on why you think some people struggle to meet anyone decent, while others pair up with ease?

OP posts:

Mammymar · 05/05/2021 07:07

My friend is single, 39,3 kids and seperated about 7 years. She has admitted that she has got selfish and used to doing her own thing. She wants a relationship but it's all on her terms. She wants a man with no kids and somebody who can fit in with her lifestyle. There is no compromise with her.

mayblossominapril · 05/05/2021 07:09

Too picky, wants amazing conversations online before meeting and when they meet, wants a hippy type who also earns well and isn’t a cheater, wants him to enjoy the same activities as she does and not really other activities. Too high maintenance, doesn’t want to work, likes expensive things, wants more children.

hellywelly3 · 05/05/2021 07:12

My dsis is single. I think her problem is she completely changes who she is to fit in with her latest partner. She changes her dress sense etc. She gets really involved in their family and their hobbies. Her life becomes totally untwined in theirs, but she’s being someone she’s not then it’s difficult to keep that up. She’s also awful at communicating. She thinks everyone is a mind reader. She gets upset with things but won’t say anything. Basically the whole thing is fake and as soon as something difficult comes up the relationship doesn’t survive it. Every time you see it going the same way.

SelkieFly · 05/05/2021 07:14

I value my equilibrium and sel esteem too much to do OLD ever again. Regret bothering in my 40s.
I did it in my early to mid forties and met so many users, and a voyeur to boot. No way would i put myself through that again. Im happier single than most coupled people i believe.

I value myself and men do not/would not, so why on earth would i try to meet somebody. It isnt worth the effort.

A lot of needy people are in relationships so i dont think its as straightforward as neediness repels people. Neediness repels avoidant people.

YukoandHiro · 05/05/2021 07:15

A friend of mine is single In early 40s because she spend mid 20s to mid 30s with a guy who was clearly wrong, then it ended badly and she's struggled to trust people since. She's dated but not had anything serious since

SelkieFly · 05/05/2021 07:16

@Mammymar

And that's ok. It's not like a job. You dont have to have one.

User135644 · 05/05/2021 07:16

Introversion, standards are too high or happy single.

SelkieFly · 05/05/2021 07:19

@chocolateorangeinhaler

I don't think it's a problem OP. People change through life and don't want the same old. Maybe you have a lower tolerance to mundaneness than others. Society is set up to believe that the be all and end all is to be with someone, even if you don't get on. You do you and don't worry. Your friends in boring dull relationships probably envy you.

Good point about tolerance for the mundane. Inhave this uneasy feeling around somebody else's mundanity, but i see my own mundanity as being true to my sinple honest values etc

YukoandHiro · 05/05/2021 07:19

Lol @TheThermalStair you sound exactly my sort of person. Do you find the same with friendships? I'be noticed over the years I'm definitely not everyone's cup of tea

Mrsdarwin · 05/05/2021 07:20

My sisters standards are too high, what she’s after doesn’t exist. I’m not sure she actually spends a lot of time around men as her job is very female heavy which doesn’t help.

As people get older they get set in their ways which puts her off as she’s been single / living by herself so long I think she finds it hard to accept the idea of someone else living her space not doing it her way.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 05/05/2021 07:21

I'm the single friend and I love it. All I hear from some of my coupled mates are complaints about their partners , arguments and misery. Makes me glad I don't have any of that aggravation , I can bring up ds with minimal interference ( have good relationship with his dad) and I have a happy life doing as I please and travelling ( before covid !)
In my book they are the ones with the problem haha

EveningOverRooftops · 05/05/2021 07:24

I’m that single friend.

I’ve pondered with the men I’ve dated.

It think these men like the idea of me, the fantasy of me iyswim (strong, independent, capable, intelligent etc)

But when it comes down to it they feel insecure/threatened.

I’m very much want a man don’t need a man in my approach.

too many of the men I’ve met want to be needed but I can do most of the stuff I need to do myself so I don’t need them to do it. I Just want them and their company and they can’t seem to stomach that I guess.

Even an ex exasperated asked what he was here for. He couldnt grasp it was him not his so called manly skills that I wanted

Kiitos · 05/05/2021 07:28

I’m single, in my 30s. I love the freedom and love my house and wouldn’t want anyone to live in it with me. I feel like a lot of men who date would expect to one day live together so I can’t be bothered to get involved.
I have plenty of friends and would say that over half my female friends are single. I know that must be unusual at my age but it means I don’t ever feel ‘left out’. I would say most of them are single cos they like it or can’t be bothered with dating. One, however, is fixated on meeting a man with wealth and status and consequently spends a lot of time getting involved with men who live far away or are otherwise not very suitable. Another has just left a very bad relationship but I doubt she will be single for long.

Novelusername · 05/05/2021 07:31

For those people saying their standards are too high...well, that's just their standards. If I was told by a friend that I need to accept I'm only going to find dull men who I don't find physically attractive, I'd say fair enough and stay single, which it sounds like they are also doing. It all depends on your priorities. I've had a few long-term relationships, all terrible, and have done a lot of work on myself to figure out why since my last relationship ended. I think I'd like a relationship again, but only if it really enhanced my life and completely fitted in with my plans. The thought of the emotional and domestic labour so often involved in living with a man means I make no effort whatsoever to meet anyone. To be honest, relationships have left me feeling trapped. I think some people find their own company difficult, or they want children, so they're more willing to compromise in their relationships. Neither are the case for me, after my experience of bad relationships I feel I'm better off single than compromising.

LaBellina · 05/05/2021 07:33

One of my friends because she always chooses abusive men to date and she can’t let go of them until they treat her so miserably that she’s nearly unable to get on with normal life. So far in the years that I have known her she has had relationships with several men and every new boyfriend seems worse then the previous

itsgettingwierd · 05/05/2021 07:34

I was always the single one.

Some people definitely had a feel sorry for me vibe and although they never said it there was definitely an undertone of 'poor you'.

I've chosen to stay single for personal reasons.

3 of them are now divorced and had horrific splits.

1 of those swings from man to man because she's needy.

2 of them now see why I choose to remain single

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 05/05/2021 07:36

I have a really lovely friend who has had significant boyfriends over the course of adulthood but never found the one. She seems to choose men who are intelligent and handsome BUT for one reason or another are or become emotionally distant. She has always craved a settled relationship which has thus far eluded her (and her opportunity to have children has been and gone now). To my mind she's always been looking for her 'fairy tale' prince who doesn't exist.

On the flip side, she has nearly four decades of romantic memories without the run-of-the-mill day-to-day mundanities that wear one down in a long-term relationship.

itsgettingwierd · 05/05/2021 07:36

Will add I obviously wasn't always single as was with DP, engaged and had ds.

But after X cheated and I moved back to UK, as ds is disabled I just decided I didn't want to give the very little 'me time' I got/get to another person

LoudNowSing · 05/05/2021 07:38

My single friends are single because they haven't met anyone they liked enough to be in a relationship with and/or preferred to be single rather than stay in a bad relationship. Good on them for not settling.

Skral · 05/05/2021 07:41

Most of my single friends (male and female) prefer to live alone. A few of them have very high standards (partner must be clever, homeowner, good looking, hilarious, the right politics, good job, in great shape, zero bad habits etc) which makes me think they they don’t really want a relationship with a real person. One didn’t want children which put off quite a few men when she was younger. She met someone in her 50’s and is now married to him.

Lollyneenah · 05/05/2021 07:41

Shes not herself in relationships/dating - she does this weird wife act of baking and being constantly available when in reality she's got a filthy sense of humour, always finds fun things to do and loves travelling. It's like she meets a bloke she likes and is telephoned back to 1952.

Lollyneenah · 05/05/2021 07:42

Teleported

DifferentHair · 05/05/2021 07:42

I'm 35 and happily married. I spend far more time thinking about how and why my friends who are married to awful/lazy/selfish/stupid men ended up like that than I do thinking about why my single friends are single.

I think the 'default' in our society (unfortunately) is to pair off. And that expectation leads a lot of women to accept poor treatment from men they would be better off without.

OP, if you're single, I see you as someone who successfully avoided marrying a dickhead and I think that's great.

TeeBee · 05/05/2021 07:47

A lot of the single friends I have just don't tolerate men's shit. A lot of the married people I know (not all) are just prepared to tolerate misery for long periods of time and yet preen about their marital status like it's something to be proud of (while being suicidal over the way their husband treats them). You do whatever makes you happy.

ghostmouse · 05/05/2021 07:48

Someone both me and dp know has been single on and off for years. Just before we got together he liked her a lot and as we had a shared hobby and worked together it was easy to see it play out.

She was fussy, she never liked this, never liked that. She seemed to like him but it never got off the ground.

When me and dp got together she confessed to me that she wrote him off because he was too nice and she wanted someone with a bit of drama and excitement.

Her loss. We are getting married next year and she's still looking for Mr right. She didn't speak to one person for 3 days because he didn't give her flowers after 3 weeks of being together. Didnt last long.

Sometimes its just bad luck. Sometimes its just too much expectation and being high maintenance.

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