why do you think your single friends are single?

[forkjuggler]

I'm the single friend here. All my friends married or in long term relationships. By contrast, I'm divorced and have always been the one in 1-3 year relationships while they've all been coupled up. We were chatting about my terrible luck with men and I get all the usual platitudes from them about there being someone out there for me.

However, I can't help thinking they'll all have views about why I'm in my 40's and still without a decent relationship. Can it really be bad luck???

I'm interested in views from you lot on why you think some people struggle to meet anyone decent, while others pair up with ease?

There is a degree of luck in it all, which is so unfair. If a shitty man takes up relatively crucial years (eg one friend in a crap relationship from 33-37) it has a much worse effect on the woman's life if they want kids (and not all women do obvs). It's brutal and it pisses me off.

MatthewHBpig
As the single friend I'm actually appalled at the opinions you all have of your single friends.
Aye, it's v telling of how deeply embedded we remain in a patriarchal and mysoginistic society >shock horror I have a female friend who is single, what is to be done?!!<

This would never be done about men.

The only thing wrong these singles are doing is trusting arsehole judgemental and frankly fucking patronising double friends.

Now singles, all ye fess up why you think your double friends are stuck in such shite relationships...

Also couldn’t agree with this more!!!!

Also.

Why does it have to bother people so so much why other people are not in a relationship?

I genuinely do not understand it.

It is not your business or "problem" or something to "solve" or even understand why other people who are not you are not married / in a relationship?

Sincerely baffled about this.

My single friends are single because they choose to be - with one exception - she was so desperate to 'couple up' it was embarrassing, OLD etc, meeting all sorts of weird people.

It's obviously completely different being single out of choice vs. wanting to meet someone, but my friends who are single by choice are independent, fun and fiesty .... so many coupled up people are not genuinely happy, just in a relationship because it's 'easier' . The grass is not always greener ...

I'm single. A widow.
I was very happy with my husband but I don't think women generally get a good deal out of long term relationships. I may dabble in dating in the future, but I can't imagine settling down again. Too many compromises.

I have quite a few single friends and most of them are happy. There is only one who is 'difficult' as a PP mentioned earlier is emotionally high maintenance.

She is 40 and never been with anyone longer than a couple of months. Moans about it but says she cba with OLD. I wouldn't actually give it much thought but she moans about being single a lot. She is very much 'her way or the highway' though and doesn't take any criticism well. Complains her friends in relationships have 'settled' so she can be difficult

@Novelusername

For those people saying their standards are too high...well, that's just their standards. If I was told by a friend that I need to accept I'm only going to find dull men who I don't find physically attractive, I'd say fair enough and stay single, which it sounds like they are also doing. It all depends on your priorities. I've had a few long-term relationships, all terrible, and have done a lot of work on myself to figure out why since my last relationship ended. I think I'd like a relationship again, but only if it really enhanced my life and completely fitted in with my plans. The thought of the emotional and domestic labour so often involved in living with a man means I make no effort whatsoever to meet anyone. To be honest, relationships have left me feeling trapped. I think some people find their own company difficult, or they want children, so they're more willing to compromise in their relationships. Neither are the case for me, after my experience of bad relationships I feel I'm better off single than compromising.

Agree with this. I am perfectly happy in myself but, realistically, not Kate Moss. However - I am picky. Not so much about specific looks - I dont seem to have a "type" as such, but I need to find them attractive. Also, in part because my life is good now and it took a long time to get to that stage, they would need to be someone who really adds to my life. Realistically - the chances of finding someone who ticks all those boxes, and who is single and finds me attractive are low. But thats absolutely fine. It wouldnt be fine if I got so cross that the super desirable men dont want me I started complaining they were all shallow, harrasing them, or went on a shooting spree. But women dont tend to do that.

That said, I do think that having a "list" of specific attributes can be problematic. Only because, if you asked people to write down their "ideal man" in a lot of cases it wouldnt match up with the attributes of people they actually find attractive in real life. E.g. the standard "over six foot, black hair, blue eyes etc etc, rich". While now I would write "good pheromones", something about their smile, kind, earning a reasonable amount or in a really interesting job etc". But those are all quite hard to measure/fit into a tick list. But I dont think the solution if you are single and unhappy is to become less picky. I think it is a matter of becoming more picky about different things. So even if he is tall, dark and hansome end it at the first red flags rather than wasting 2 years on a relationship that goes nowhere.

@ForwardRanger I agree, it's seen as a problem to be solved by most younger women, but I think most older women get that we all (most of us!?) invested energy in to trying when we were younger. I really regret that now. I did try to meet somebody. I shouldn't have tried. I know some criticise their friends/sisters for thinking it will just happen, but honestly, I think it was the trying that was my mistake. I made myself unhappy searching and trying to meet somebody. As soon as I stopped I found a real contentment.

People might be saying that about me, ''she expects a man to turn up on her doorstep'' but I am not going to jeopardise my contentment and my equilibrium by looking for love at 50! But if it came to me, I'm not resistant to it. I don't think. But either way, I'm happy and free and the only thing I want is to be braver so that when my teens are a bit more independent I can go on single holidays. I don't want to have to need another person to feel I can go places. I feel frustrated by that.

One of mine is, and she admits herself. She wants a Prince charming like in the movies . Flowers weekly. Regular gifts. Rich so never any money worries, to dine in top notch places.
But she can't understand why she can't find them online!

She's now early 30s

@Bubblebu

I am single.

One day of reading mumsnet regularly tells me to be very very grateful for the fact that I am single.

HTH.

This is so true.

Men have been horrible to me in the past. I'm over dealing with them. I just hope my friends aren't secretly picking apart why I might be single the same way posters are on this thread. It's pretty awful.

Just thinking of two friends who are single and both have a lot in common:

Assertive
Charismatic
Confident
Social

I genuinely think a lot of men would feel insecure if they made a play for them.

2 of my single friends jump straight in and then become disappointed.

They want perfection but aren't perfect so no meet in the middle and it appears all or nothing. They want a bloke that looks great for age, fit and has a good career but have a strange list of requirements - an almost endless list so I think un-subconsciously they perhaps want to be single since will never find that level of perfection.

They use OLD and it is a minefield. Need to filter and not just on looks, perhaps try a date with a man that appears not the best looking but has other things going for him.

@Novelusername and @apalledandshocked I agree with you both so much!

I think it's mostly just down to bad luck. I have one friend who's actively tried on OLD lots but never met anyone significant and another who doesn't put herself out there. The worst thing about online dating in your 30's seems to be that men of a similar age feel they deserve and can get women in their 20's, so I think there really seems to be a shortage of decent men looking for a LTR for women in their 30's.

@MatthewHBpig

As the single friend I'm actually appalled at the opinions you all have of your single friends.

It's quite eye opening.

I've been in relationships since I was 15 years old to 44 yrs

I've got 2 children and I just can not be bothered to find a partner as I like being single

It's very freeing not have to constantly accommodate somebody else's needs

[quote SelkieFly]@ForwardRanger I agree, it's seen as a problem to be solved by most younger women, but I think most older women get that we all (most of us!?) invested energy in to trying when we were younger. I really regret that now. I did try to meet somebody. I shouldn't have tried. I know some criticise their friends/sisters for thinking it will just happen, but honestly, I think it was the trying that was my mistake. I made myself unhappy searching and trying to meet somebody. As soon as I stopped I found a real contentment.

People might be saying that about me, ''she expects a man to turn up on her doorstep'' but I am not going to jeopardise my contentment and my equilibrium by looking for love at 50! But if it came to me, I'm not resistant to it. I don't think. But either way, I'm happy and free and the only thing I want is to be braver so that when my teens are a bit more independent I can go on single holidays. I don't want to have to need another person to feel I can go places. I feel frustrated by that.[/quote]
Yes, very condescending and I think very telling about how insecure and/or deeply old-fashioned so many doubles are that they feel qualified to assess their single "friends" compatibility.

I notice that almost every post has attributed fault to the single woman, as if it is simply a matter of right and wrong rather than some women being happy to be independent, able to think for themselves and not after the bullshit ideal popularised in a horribly sexist society.

Single women everywhere be proud to be your beautiful selves and do not aspire to be dependent on a half-witted male who will diminish you and your dreams. And be deeply wary of the so-called happily married female friends who will never have your back. Solidarity 👊

One of my sisters close friends is single and loving it. He was a late bloomer, very geeky looking and not really appealing to females from teens until mid 30s. Then he bloomed into a sexy Holywood star look alike, think Chris Hemsworth. Anyway he is playing catch up and breaking lots of hearts along the way (my sister was a ONS). He is basically being a dick, only an std will stop him now.

I know the OP asked the question but generally speaking I think it's a question that will be asked less in the future..

It's funny because as a widow I feel I'm both pitied for being single, whilst also everyone would be horrified if I started dating again. It makes you realise how many judgemental people are out there.

I can picture that. It's the plinth they've put you on and some people are going to kind of like having somebody to pity.

They don't have to compare themselves to you if you're not dating. But the second you start dating @Candleabra they wonder if their life could change, should it change, if you're braver than they are, if you have more control over your future than they do, if anything can happen for you.....

And it's the same to a degree (with the veil of respectability) for a single parent. I left my abusive x 14 years ago nearly and a lot of people wanted me to get back on my feet and rebuild my life financially but as I've done that I've ruffled a few feathers along the way, inadvertently, as I've gone from a broke lone parent to small children to a solvent securely employed mother of two teenagers who has choices and doesn't need anybody's approval really. A few women who enjoyed pitying me 14 years ago were not really happy for me when I reached various milestones along the way in my financial recovery plan!

with out the respectability I mean

Well I can only speak for myself as a single woman. I'm single because I want to be. I prefer it to being shacked up. It's a lifestyle choice, simple really.

Some of them are unlucky. Some of them just aren't that bothered

I have a couple who I would say look for the wrong thing. Wanting a man who's got an amazing body, incredibly attractive gym goer but then also finding these men boring. Maybe their type in personality doesn't match their type in looks. Maybe their also not prepared to settle for someone less than perfect. But its up to them.

One or two are a bit emotionally unstable, and maybe a bit high maintenance. This can lead to quite toxic relationships