why do you think your single friends are single?

[forkjuggler]

I'm the single friend here. All my friends married or in long term relationships. By contrast, I'm divorced and have always been the one in 1-3 year relationships while they've all been coupled up. We were chatting about my terrible luck with men and I get all the usual platitudes from them about there being someone out there for me.

However, I can't help thinking they'll all have views about why I'm in my 40's and still without a decent relationship. Can it really be bad luck???

I'm interested in views from you lot on why you think some people struggle to meet anyone decent, while others pair up with ease?

All the ones I know who are, are because they like it.

Not willing to settle and prefers independence and not compromising. I'd think that because it's why my mum's single as well as a couple of my single friends.

I think some in relationships feel sorry for singles & that you must be paired up to be happy. I think it can be a bit patronising to assume someone is lonely or unhappy just because they have no man around. It's fine to be single as long as you are otherwise happy. I'd never think there is something wrong with someone because they are longterm single. It is a braver & better choice than just settling.

Giving time to the wrong men. Putting all eggs in 1 basket in very early dating/getting to know stage, for men who do no such thing.

I think you meet the right man when you give zero time to bullshitters, know what you want, and are living your best life for you.

I'm older so maybe cynical but, of my friends who are single and want to meet a man (not all do, some are happily single for life now) and talk of "bad luck with men" -

We're in our 50s but they want Mr slim, handsome, fit, active. Nothing wrong with that but there's no thought or acceptance that Prince Charming may have all that + high blood pressure, or arthritis or a bad leg etc.

It's as if they want a man in his 50s who doesn't look it at all and has the health and zest of a 30 year old.

So it's a lot harder for them to meet a man as not many men aged 50+ can match up to the above, those that can will have their pick of women in same age bracket

I have to say, a significant proportion of the single women I know seem to be very emotionally high maintenance.

^

Loathe to say it but this.

And, not actually being that attractive. Similar to the wanting a mega hot, fit, successful guy in his 50s but not a chance of baldness, ill health etc etc.

The Prince Charming myth has a lot to answer for

I have an acquaintance who is now approaching her 50’s, with a long string of (short!) failed relationships behind her. She doesn’t seem to have a problem meeting men, just hanging on to them. They all seem to follow the same pattern- as soon as she spends any length of time in their company, they either ghost her or tell her there’s no future in it. I personally think it’s because she attaches herself to these men too quickly and becomes needy. She has gone out with men in the past who have had kids and she still expects them to put her first! She comes across as very narcissistic and because of this, constantly over shares on social media, thus leading to her receiving lots of attention over the most trivial of things. Years ago she had a nice man whom she was going to marry but she cheated on him and then couldn’t understand why the relationship then failed once he found out!

Going by my very unscientific study of my female acquaintances , amazing, intelligent, independent women with good jobs, their own homes who would like to meet someone but don’t need to be with someone to feel complete, struggle to find someone. I think they give out some sort of I won’t be messed around vibe. Whereas women who centre their life more around needing a boyfriend seem to find them quite easily. I’m long term married but judging by the stories of modern dating I just wouldn’t bother if I found myself single.

I’ve also got another single acquaintance who is 50 soon, but is so fussy in what she wants in a man, he is literally never going to exist! She is happy on her own though and I actually think she has become so accustomed to this that she would struggle to adjust to being in a relationship (and she actually admitted this recently).

I also have a single 50 year old DSis, who is one of those women mentioned up thread- the type who say they want to meet someone but then expect them to just magically appear at their door! 🙄 She is also someone who wants to meet Mr. Perfect, aged 50 but with the body of a 30 year old... 🙄

I've been single for about 4 years. I was married very briefly in my late 20s. I have 2 DC.

I was deeply in love with my last boyfriend and the break up has scarred me, but also given me an impossible act to follow.

But I am happy how I am. I am completely independent, have a great career and good friends. I work in a particularly female dominated field, so don't meet men at work and have absolutely no interest in dating. I don't really want a relationship at all now. I feel too happy with my life as it is. It would have to be someone truly incredible to even make me consider giving up my freedom now. I would need someone to really add something to my life and that is a hard ask. I also don't ever want to put myself in the position where I am vulnerable enough to have the rug pulled from under me again. I feel secure being single. I don't need to worry about being emotionally battered.

Of my oldest group of friends, 3 of us are single. The other two have never been married and don't have children. Both are very high flying in their careers, one travels a lot and has flings, but hasn't had a long term relationship since her 20s (we are in our 40s now). She also has no interest in compromising to be with a man. Frankly, none of us are that interested.

As a singleton of 4 years, I seem to spend a lot of time reassuring my friends that I'm happy as I am.
Thinking about why, OLD makes me cringe, I have a fabulous son and a full time job so I'm fairly busy, I have hobbies, friends and a nice home.
And being single means not having to cook endless meals, or put up with dirty bathrooms, drunkenness, football, motor racing, Jeremy Clarkson. No competitiveness.

Plus no-one lies to me. Listing pros and cons, I am genuinely happier on my own. My friends are very kind but I don't understand why they think I need someone.

One friend because they are afraid to commit. They were totally screwed up by their parents divorce and basically now picks awful, cheating, unavailable men and keep them at arms length never actually getting to a relationship. She can’t handle emotional intimacy.

Another has super high standards but completely lacks confidence in herself.

Another is a complete doormat with men so they don’t respect her. She sleeps with them far too soon then will literally drop everything to fit into their lives and schedule. The lack of respect for herself means men instead chase a higher value target - one that’s values herself higher.

Why did you get divorced? This is likely to tell you a lot about your pattern of relationships with men.

Also look at your parents relationship - especially your mother. You’ll likely either be making all the same mistakes your mother did or the complete opposite of them.

I'm single (divorced) and staying that way through choice. I don't want a relationship although people always assume that I do and that I just "haven't met the right person."

My good friend is single but does want a relationship. Unfortunately she has low self esteem and goes for dickheads.

I always assume through choice. My single friends have good jobs, busy social lives and do lots of travelling (pandemic aside). Not everyone wants a LTR or kids and that's fair enough.

I don't think it. I mind my own.

Some of my single friends fall into the emotionally high maintenance bracket. They also have unrealistic expectations and give off an air of desperation.

Some are very happy being single, have got their shit together and neither want nor need a man. One has a fuck buddy who is 20 years younger than her, which works for them.

My best friend is single. He's never had a girlfriend. Ever. Never been with a woman at all. He's an absolutely fantastic bloke though. So, so nice and would do anything for anyone. He's now in his 40's and we've been friends since our teens.

But.... He's also a Shallow Hal (remember the Jack Black movie?) when it comes to women. He's slightly overweight, not ugly at all but no GQ model either. He's clean, works, has lots of interests, and he's intelligent. There is no real reason he's never hooked up except I think it's because he bats way out of his league but doesn't have the machismo to back it up.
He will get to know a girl (either at work or in a social setting) who is absolutely out of this world, stunning (he won't even entertain taking a shot with anyone plainer or average) but he gets immediately friendzoned because he's so nice.
He also scares them off by 'confessing how he feels about them' before he's even been on a date. I've told him not to do that. It creeps people out.
Its a shame cos he's a top bloke to be friends with and would probably make an amazing partner. He's just bloody terrible with approaching women.

Of my single friends...

One has a busy, interesting job she loves which takes up lots of her time and would rather be single than in a mediocre relationship.

Two are widowed and not interested in new romantic relationships. Both have full, interesting lives and strong circles of friends, one has children and now grandchildren.

One spent years waiting for an emotionally unavailable man and seems to have (reasonably) been put off by that.

One was raped and has mental health issues around that (again reasonably), as well as chronic health conditions, and I think she doesn’t really have the emotional bandwidth for a partner.

The girls I know who were single at 24 were still single at 30 and now nearly 40, despite supposedly being keen to meet people. In my view, this is because they have wholly unrealistic views of what men should be like, and will not settle for anything less than bolt of lightning love at first sight and knight on white horse. Many many decent men didn’t get a look in years ago for a whole range of reasons. They also are not prepared to get out into the real world and attempt to meet people, even for friendship, through mutual interests.

Unrealistic expectations mainly. We are turning 35 this year (school friends) and several of them want to get married and have children but their wish list is extensive and unrealistic. For example the guy must earn a lot of money and have a six pack. They aren’t the equivalent of a six figure salary and six pack so it’s just cutting out some great men who would love to go on a date with them. I try to share my experience that you really really REALLY want to have children with a decent guy who will do 50/50 with his own children and that there’s inevitable consequences- earning a lot can mean working all hours and no holidays ever.

I think the impression you get from books and tv etc is that you happen upon someone - supermarket, library, maybe at work, not that you are on the lookout and contrive a reason to speak to the person (male or female) that you fancy. So if you are quite introvert this waiting goes on and on and meanwhile the most eligible are snapped up.

They rightly won't settle for not good enough, when many do.

My best friend is unhappily single. She’s amazing, beautiful, successful and so much fun. She attracts men very easily.

Unfortunately, she quite quickly becomes very attached, regardless of the person, and drops everything else for a short while. She then expects the new person to take on all of her strong emotional needs and quite explosive over small issues. It’s a difficult cycle to watch, I don’t know how to help her, or what she is really looking for. She is usually self aware of why things have gone wrong, but then the cycle repeats the next time. It’s a hard thing to watch because she is one of my most favourite people.

Im single. When i was younger i had attachment styles that werent helping me. Chasing after emotionally unavailable men and also feeling stifled if somebody did like me and just me and want to commit to me.

Have healed s lot since then and have had a healthy relationship.

But now i realise being single good. At 50, i look around at women my age, bit bored of their husbands but hoping their husbands wont fall for a 35 year old and divorce them.

Id hate that life now. So it turns out being single never mattered.

Its not a problem that needs to be figured out.

I don't think it's a problem OP. People change through life and don't want the same old. Maybe you have a lower tolerance to mundaneness than others. Society is set up to believe that the be all and end all is to be with someone, even if you don't get on. You do you and don't worry. Your friends in boring dull relationships probably envy you.

I am the long term single friend. I don't care enough to find someone. In cba with online dating and I don't really choose to go out much. I am perfectly happy at home with my children and my hobbies. I have many great friends, male and female, but I don't seek any form of romantic relationship. For some of your single friends it may well just be choice.