why do you think your single friends are single?

[forkjuggler]

I'm the single friend here. All my friends married or in long term relationships. By contrast, I'm divorced and have always been the one in 1-3 year relationships while they've all been coupled up. We were chatting about my terrible luck with men and I get all the usual platitudes from them about there being someone out there for me.

However, I can't help thinking they'll all have views about why I'm in my 40's and still without a decent relationship. Can it really be bad luck???

I'm interested in views from you lot on why you think some people struggle to meet anyone decent, while others pair up with ease?

My single chum is single because she's not fussed about dating, is picky and has made her own money and is in no rush to share it.

A friend of mine was single for ages and she had about 60 bullet point criteria for any man so there is a trade off between finding a man and finding the perfect man...

My closest single friend has really low self esteem, so she finds fault with anyone who is attracted to her as there must be something wrong with them for them to be attracted to her. All of this is done unconsciously. She doesn't see the pattern but it's obvious looking in.
She is lovely, clever, hilarious, above average looking, but will be single forever I think.

I stayed single for 4 years post divorce to recover. I did attempt OLD briefly and realised I was nowhere ready emotionally, given the conversations I tolerated with people I matched with.

As others have said, one main reason is women not wanting to OLD

It's not any of my business really.

I'm the single friend. Single parent and currently single through choice as I'm prioritising my children. The tide is turning though and I'm thinking about changing it so they see me putting my needs first too.

I wouldn't tell any friends this though! They can mine their own! People are v judgey of others choices to be in whatever relationship situation..

@Lalliella

I have a single friend who is absolutely gorgeous and popular and has a really lovely sweet personality. She has absolutely no luck with men. She gets bored with the nice ones and picks the bad boys who turn out to be - well, bad. Another lovely friend of ours is madly in love with her and they’d make such a great couple but she doesn’t fancy him ☹️ I don’t know what the answer is really.

I think this is very common. I was a bit like this when I was in my twenties. I don't think I had great self esteem, so was looking for the borrowed confidence from guys instead of building up my own identity and life. Definitely not the case for all single women, I'm sure many have just not met the right guy and it's been bad luck, but is true of a lot of serial daters.

I’ve got two main single friends. One that has always been single and I actually believe is asexual. And then a girlfriend who likes men and was a bit of a girl a few years ago but can never seem to hang on to a relationship but she used to cheat aswell.

Hell bent on pleasure!

Neediness repels avoidant people.

This, absolutely. I'm quite avoidant; not sure why. Yet in my youth I attracted clingy, anxious men, most of whom I quickly sent on their way. Unfortunately I married an imposter who turned out to be the sort of clingy control freak I could not stand. I had to let him go, but I'm glad I got to have lots of good times and our DD with him.

Single friends: An Audrey Hepburn type who walks at the first sign of misogyny; a cute redhead with a PhD who ditched her last boyfriend because he resented her education and good job; an accountant who left her H (who was my ex-boyf) because of his relentless negativity (that's why I left him too); a woman who loves to travel, so goes from job to job with sabbaticals in between; a woman looking after her elderly parents and not interested in dating.

Fascinating thread. It's good to read different perspectives on this.

The only people I judge are those who can't stand to be alone so jump into the first relationship they find

Those who do the above with kids and therefore risk screwing up their kids lives.

I consider this need to be in a couple so very weak.

As the single friend I'm actually appalled at the opinions you all have of your single friends.

Possibly because she is picky- doesn’t consider people on same attractiveness rung as her.
Can be a little overconfident/bigs herself up a lot/boasts more than average.

Otherwise stumped.

I think my single friend is single because she's really bloody dramatic and critical.

It's a shame because she's great, just needs to unclench a bit

My BIL is single because he is too picky and is uncomfortable in his own skin and over analyses everything before he's even asked someone out. He also chases people who are not interested in him, wants to be the White Knight and worries too much about what other people think. He needs therapy.

One or more of the following:

1: not willing to do OLD
2: being attracted to the ‘wrong sort of bloke’ and not being prepared to even consider giving the other decent blokes a chance.
3: not wanting to be in a relationship at a time when most people were starting to settle down.
4: not wiling to really make space for a relationship in their lives.
5: unrealistic ideas about what a relationship should be.

Unpicking why they behave like that is complicated.

I would say a mixture between not really looking for a relationship and hoping the perfect partner falls in their lap, and those who settled quickly with a not great guy (often attractive but dickish) and have since separated.

@MatthewHBpig

As the single friend I'm actually appalled at the opinions you all have of your single friends.

Aye, it's v telling of how deeply embedded we remain in a patriarchal and mysoginistic society >shock horror I have a female friend who is single, what is to be done?!!This would never be done about men.

The only thing wrong these singles are doing is trusting arsehole judgemental and frankly fucking patronising double friends.

Now singles, all ye fess up why you think your double friends are stuck in such shite relationships...

I'm the single friend, and purposely have been since 2010 following a succession of selfish and abusive boyfriends. I had marriage proposals from 4 of them, but my life would have been hell. Working full time, doing all the household chores because they wouldn't, and the sex was all about them. No amount of discussion would change the last two. I'm well educated, earned more than them, own my own house. Life is just easier and far happier when I'm single.

One of my friends is such a great person but she would not compromise that her partner must be significantly taller than her, and she’s quite tall. She casually dated such a great guy who was the same height but she felt she couldn’t wear heels. She’s now with a guy who is well over 6ft tall. He doesn’t really have a job and while nice, seems a bit of a man child but she’s utterly besotted... so I guess none of my business but she’s a really well qualified professional who owns her own home and it’s hard to hear her saying her chap is messy but it’s not his fault because he’s never lived with anyone before and he’s too tired to clear up in the day from gaming all night...

Lots of people just want to be in a relationship and it doesn't matter too much who it's with.

I'm often horrified by my single friends' dating stories and the way some people's partners behave so I think actually they're probably sensible and unlucky - there are so many shit men, it's unbelievable!

On the flip side it makes me feel extremely lucky to have met kind, boring, safe DH when I did! (I don't think he's boring. But aware he could come across that way to others).

Out of all my school friends from years ago only one has never married. She is attractive, good company and has had many boyfriends over the years. I suspect it may be partly because she is very fussy and probably could not make a forever commitment to someone she did not think was perfect. I also think that she likes living on her own and finds it difficult to share her lovely home with anyone else or to think of leaving it. When I was in my 30's and early 40's I envied her but now I have the joy of grown up children I feel sorry she has missed out on that, though she does have several god children.

I have 2 relatives who have been single since their early 20s (now late 40s). One (male) thought he had met his sole mate at 18 and gave up all his hobbies etc to spend time with her (she didn't ask for this- he wanted to be with her all the time and it's part of the reason the split). I think it's a real shame but he never really goes anywhere other than work so has limited opportunities to meet anyone even if he wanted to. The other had children and got married quite young to someone who made her feel so worthless that I really don't blame her for not wanting to share her home and family with another man.

In my younger days I was the eternally single one of my friends. By the time we were in our late 20s most of them had been in at least one serious relationship and seemed to move from one long term relationship to the next with no single time. Whereas I never seemed to get beyond the 'seeing eachother' stage and even then had long periods without even that. I know that at least some of the men who told me they were not looking for a relationship went immediately in to the 'loved up' phase with the next woman they met (one of them with one of my friends!) so I suspect it was me. I am not a flirty person, and never pretended to be anything I wasn't to impress a man. I was also usually pretty adamant on calling out sexist behaviour. Most of my friends thought I was being too picky and putting men off by being opinionated. I did try to be less so once and I did get a relationship but it was with an arsehole so I reverted to my usual ways. I am now in a very long term relationship with someone who has not expected me to change who I am- but to be honest I would rather be single than with the arsehole I found when I lowered my standards.

I have a lovely friend who has been almost perpetually single for years and years. I love her - she's intelligent, caring, stylish, outgoing, a great listener, has interesting hobbies, has put a lot of effort into dating. My honest opinion is that in the past she has been too picky - too focused on finding somebody absolutley perfect for her. But then again, I'm not her, and maybe she wouldn't be happy with anything less than that.

It's a mix. Some of them had v bad luck with men at exactly the wrong moment - whether it's leaving the country or illness or something else. One or two are slightly bonkers (I love them absolutely but know they behave badly in relationships.) Some go for idiots (and I did too for a long time, until I eventually forced myself to recognise that the common denominator in these crap relationships with tossers was - err - me).

I am single.

One day of reading mumsnet regularly tells me to be very very grateful for the fact that I am single.

HTH.

I’ve not read the whole thread so apologies if this has already been said... I’m single and have been for 8 years, 1 DC aged 10. I’m happily single and plan on remaining so. Not everyone who’s single wants to be in a relationship. I’m certainly not looking and the person would have to be pretty amazing for me to even consider being in a relationship now.

So to answer your question, some of us are single because we want to be and aren’t willing to compromise or settle for whatever comes along. And that’s ok!