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Original poster

why do you think your single friends are single?

378 replies

forkjuggler · 04/05/2021 23:26

I'm the single friend here. All my friends married or in long term relationships. By contrast, I'm divorced and have always been the one in 1-3 year relationships while they've all been coupled up. We were chatting about my terrible luck with men and I get all the usual platitudes from them about there being someone out there for me.

However, I can't help thinking they'll all have views about why I'm in my 40's and still without a decent relationship. Can it really be bad luck???

I'm interested in views from you lot on why you think some people struggle to meet anyone decent, while others pair up with ease?

OP posts:
Marcydarcy7867 · 07/05/2021 23:07

See Gwen - lots of single people take the pill!

Hilarious name - have you ever considered your hormonal contraception might be, well affecting your hormones, and hormones play a large part of our sex drive and attraction?

PermanentTemporary · 07/05/2021 23:07

I think the most intense and exciting times of my life have been when I have been single. I've really enjoyed the chance to run my life exactly as I wanted it. Admittedly the last 'single' patch involved a lot of sex dating, which got both addictive and tiring. I'm seeing someone now but I know I'd be absolutely ok if we split and would hope once my sex drive calms down a bit to be on my own.

I have single friends who might consider relationships but after marriages of titanic shittiness, are living their best lives. It is fab seeing them so unstressed and happy.

hilariousnamehere · 07/05/2021 23:12

@Marcydarcy7867

See Gwen - lots of single people take the pill!

Hilarious name - have you ever considered your hormonal contraception might be, well affecting your hormones, and hormones play a large part of our sex drive and attraction?

That is a valid point and well (and kindly, thank you) made! Doesn't really apply to me though, I've had two long (7 years and 2.5 years) relationships and lots of sex in those twenty years Grin I'm not against coupledom, just found that personally I'm happier single and don't miss sex when I'm not having it 💙

(Sorry that's a massive dripfeed isn't it?!)

Englishgirl9 · 07/05/2021 23:14

One of my friends is single because she is a total mess. She's desperate, overwhelmingly negative and a poor judge of character. I love her but it's so hard to watch her make terrible decisions time after time.

Marcydarcy7867 · 07/05/2021 23:18

Good for you hilarious name! I agree with pp who say being single an optimum/preferred state for many. I think I will feel like that when I’m a bit older. At present I want someone to share the load of raising kids! If I’m honest I’m not getting much of a benefit other than that out of it. If we split up in 5/10 years I’m not sure I’d look for another relationship.

hilariousnamehere · 07/05/2021 23:31

Marcy I think if I had or wanted kids my desire for a partner would be higher, definitely!

Happymum12345 · 07/05/2021 23:49

Because they’ve got more sense than me!

therocinante · 08/05/2021 00:10

My three long term single friends:

  • One has made her work her entire life. Not a judgement, fair play to her, but that's why she's never had relationships work out
  • One is not a good partner and has only just realised this. He's getting counselling and working on himself, but he's got wildly off base ideas about what a relationship 'should' be like. A really good man at heart, but with a huge fundamental lack of understanding about what your life partner is supposed to (and not supposed to) provide for you.
  • One has decided she's too young to settle down (at 38 😂🥰) and I love her for it. She hasn't finished having lots of fun as a single woman yet and fair enough.

So... A range of reasons! I wouldn't necessarily have thought anything of any of them unless asked to by this thread though, except maybe the second one who I sometimes wonder why he can't see the pattern he goes through. But that's me being nosy and it's not actually my business, I know.

Soran8 · 08/05/2021 00:38

My three close single friends are single for very obvious reasons that I perceive:
One friend is too picky, very black and white and does not understand compromise. She has high standards both in terms of looks, money and personality. She is quick to cast a man off of they do not meet the standards. Contrastingly she is not the same in friendship. She’s wonderfully loyal, kind and unjudgemental. I think a lot is to do with her upbringing. Her parents made her feel not good enough and by extension, any man she brings home who does not look like Tom hardy and is a multi millionaire will be judged harshly.

My other long term single friend has a weight problem. She is clinically obese. She knows this, men have told her it puts them off when she has asked them why they have turned her down. She and I talk about it openly, but she has a disconnect around the kind of man she wants to be with. Despite being obese, she wants somebody very fit, good looking and into their health. I have introduced her to men who are not health/ gym bunnies but she is never interested. They are not “cool” enough for her.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/05/2021 21:42

"I'm single by choice and don't date and have been on contraceptive injection for nearly 20 years - is that not allowed because I don't actually have sex?!"

When did I say it's not allowed?
I was just wondering why people were giving the pill as a reason for women being single because it changes who you're attracted to.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 08/05/2021 21:48

I have a few single friends. All are lovely, intelligent and what I would consider ‘a good catch.’

They are single for different reasons but I think mainly none of them will ‘settle’ for a man who isn’t going to make their lives brilliant. They already have good lives with their own properties, great jobs, good friends and families - I think they just don’t need a man (all are straight).

As they get older (they are between 40 and 50) they may want a relationship for companionship but at the moment none of them seem interested.

It seems very liberating to me.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/05/2021 21:52

@EBearhug

Does that mean they don't protect themselves from STDs? Nothing wrong with belt and braces.
Of course not, I just doubt how many people actually do that.
Gwenhwyfar · 08/05/2021 21:53

"As they get older (they are between 40 and 50) they may want a relationship for companionship but at the moment none of them seem interested."

Why do you think they will want companionship when they're older, but not now?

hilariousnamehere · 08/05/2021 21:54

@Gwenhwyfar

"I'm single by choice and don't date and have been on contraceptive injection for nearly 20 years - is that not allowed because I don't actually have sex?!"

When did I say it's not allowed?
I was just wondering why people were giving the pill as a reason for women being single because it changes who you're attracted to.

Fair point! Sorry, I was grumpy last night due to lack of sleep this week Grin
Thatswatshesaid · 08/05/2021 21:58

Combination of bad luck and being a bit too serious about Potential relationships. I think once you are late 30’s everything is too much pressure. When I met my partner if I had been thinking long term I wouldn’t have gone for it. I just fancied him and thought we’d have a fling. But my single friends all feel like every first date needs to be ‘the one’ to get date number 2.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/05/2021 22:05

"When I met my partner if I had been thinking long term I wouldn’t have gone for it. I just fancied him and thought we’d have a fling. But my single friends all feel like every first date needs to be ‘the one’ to get date number 2."

I've accepted it's too late for me to have children now and I thought that would liberate me from that kind of perfectionism as he no longer needs to be father material, but no.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 08/05/2021 22:49

I think a few of my friends who may want ‘companionship’ when they are older have lives which are very close with their parents. They live near their parents and see them several times a week (when allowed) and have their parents to help out in emergencies/illnesses for example. When the parents are no longer around, the worry is there will be a bit of a void.

Other friends live abroad. Have a lovely life but know they will come back to Britain in the future when they retire. It is then a case of what do they do for friendship and support?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 08/05/2021 22:52

Maybe because they want to be. Not every women yearns to have a man dangling off her arm. There is such a thing as being single and content.

WeatherwaxLives · 08/05/2021 23:02

I've got 2 long term single friends, I love both dearly.

One is incredibly difficult. About everything. It's her way or the highway. She nags, she's very opinionated, I couldn't imagine living with her. She's also incredibly generous, motivated, hilarious fun and amazingly strong and resilient.

The other just expects too much. She (like everyone) wants a bloke who is kind, attentive, keen on her etc etc. But if he calls too much she feels smothered, if he gives her space she feels ignored, she dumps them at the drop of a hat for random spurious things, but gets a proper arse on if they aren't 100% there when she wants them and invisible when she doesn't. Without actually giving them any indication of what she wants at any given moment. It's exhausting. I've given up asking how it's going about 3 blokes ago as she's just not receptive to anything other than 'he sounds amazing' or 'what a bastard' depending on her mood. She also is so kind, generous, fun, intelligent. And not hard work at all, unless you're trying to date her. I think she sees it as having firm boundaries and standing up for herself - when actually she's expecting her dates to be psychic.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/05/2021 23:26

"if he calls too much she feels smothered, if he gives her space she feels ignored"

That's an anxious-avoidant attachment style isn't it?

Watermelonsugar21 · 08/05/2021 23:56

I think as others have said, the main reason is lack of opportunity if you have missed the school/uni boat and aren’t prepared to try OLD.

Also some of my friends who have never been in a serious relationship but are now trying OLD are finding that their slightly more mature age means that many of the potential partners come with a lot of history ie kids, divorce etc which is quite a contrast to their own total lack of any relationship experience. Not saying that they would judge anyone with history, but they just aren’t really equipped to relate to it. I appreciate that this is probably quite rare though (the lack of relationship experience).

As for OLD itself, it is hard work. It takes a lot of time and effort building up enough initial convo to decide to meet up, only to meet in real life and find you don’t ‘click’ and then to have to start the process over and over again with different people until you find someone you want to actually date. Then everything that comes with that initial dating phase can take longer than normal cos you’re starting with a completely blank slate- you don’t know any of their friends, family, background etc and vice versa of course. I think you have to really really want to meet someone to keep going with it and maybe some people just don’t have the motivation or aren’t bothered enough as they are content enough being single.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/05/2021 01:41

"I appreciate that this is probably quite rare though (the lack of relationship experience)."

Not that rare, I would guess. A lot of my single friends and I are long term singles, sometimes with no or very little experience.

OhWhyNot · 09/05/2021 02:38

Because like me they are happy this way

If someone great comes along then that’s nice if they don’t then that can be nice too

coffeerose · 09/05/2021 04:23

I have 2 friends now in their late 50's who have always been single, but both would love to be in relationships. They have never lived with anyone or been in a relationship for longer than a year-ish. And haven't even been on a date for years.
Both attractive, vibrant, funny and fun. Good company too. Sociable. Lots of friends and contacts.
They are both disappointed (not that they show it) that they've never had that love or had children.
I have absolutely no understanding of why they are single.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/05/2021 08:11

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

Maybe because they want to be. Not every women yearns to have a man dangling off her arm. There is such a thing as being single and content.
Exactly. My friend loves being single and has no desire to be in a LTR.

Too many jump into relationships simply because they need to be in one as don’t want to be single.