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He has just quit his job...
399

Ungratefulwiife · 21/01/2021 12:06

And we are supposed to exchange on our new house next week Angry

I have posted before about my DH (a search shows it was back in 2015 - things really don't change, do they?) and his job. He is/was a high earner. Always hated his job, has done for the 18 years (and 4 different jobs) I have known him.

He changed career slightly a couple of years ago and things settled down a bit (he is still a workaholic) but he has just come down from working to inform me that he has handed his notice in and we now cannot move (because we won't get our mortgage and he is the main earner).

I have sent him out for a walk to calm the fuck down. His boss has rung and asked me WTF is going on - he hasn't accepted the resignation yet but he can't exactly force DH to keep his job.

There is a background to this, he has always threatened to quit his job "next year" - in fact I will link to my ancient thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2509489-Should-I-be-more-supportive

We now have 2 DC - 5&3

I have bent over backwards to support him and his career. He has always made it difficult for me to work - I have done every drop off and collection, always taken leave for sickness, even now I work evenings and weekends so he can have a clear 9hr day to work (we are both WFH) whilst I homeschool DS. He has never supported me working and several times he has asked me to be a SAHM. I work PT, 24hrs a week, but even FT I couldn't afford the new house.

What have I got in return? This. What angers me is that he has waited until the worst possible time to do it - it has taken almost a year to get to this point in the selling/buying process and we are in a chain of 6 houses (we are in the middle) which will now collapse.

I was in a bit of shock when he told me and so I informed him that he will be the one making all the calls - I shall have nothing further to do with it. He could be doing that now.

I have tried over the years to get him to seek help for what I believe to be MH issues but he refuses to. He won't speak to anyone.

Before Christmas he was overloaded with work but point blank refused to say so to his boss because it is a sign of "weakness".

Last night he was complaining about being underpaid (he took a massive pay cut for this job in the misguided notion it would mean less hours - the reality is, he is a workaholic, if there is work to do he will stay at his desk until it is done, all night if he has to. Unfortunately it is one of those jobs where you can always do more). I did not expect this, not today.

I don't even know why I am posting this, it's not like anyone can help. I am so angry.

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TheCanyon · 21/01/2021 12:10

Oh god, I'm so sorry, what an utter nightmare, I can't even imagine how you feel

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Turnedouttoes · 21/01/2021 12:13

God what a shit thing to do! Do you think he’s perhaps having a breakdown? Unless he’s just a dick generally it seems very extreme to quit your job and lose a house you’re about to buy.
Is the house much more expensive? Could be concerned about how you’re going to afford it?

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Didiusfalco · 21/01/2021 12:18

Not identical, but my dh (who sounds much more supportive than yours, mind) pulled out of a house move in the middle to a job/mental health crisis. At that point I absolutely insisted on counselling and GP appointment. He has been on anti-depressants ever since and the difference is like night and day. He has managed to continue in his job, when we thought he would not, and actually enjoys it. The housing situation was less good, obviously we lost money and a few years later when everything was stable and we were able to move again the timing was definitely worse and we ended up in a less desirable house for more money, but do you know what it is worth it for how much calmer everything is at home. However at the time I found the whole thing very stressful!

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Ungratefulwiife · 21/01/2021 12:23

I worried that buying the house might tip him over the edge - we aren't going crazy but it is all relative, isn't it? It leaves us without a big savings cushion (we have a large amount of savings at the moment and in the process of sending it to our solicitor - this may have pushed him over the edge I suppose?).

He isn't generally a dick but he has two modes - work and home. When he is working he is 100% absorbed in that and usually at weekends he takes over with the DC. Working from home has blurred the lines - he loves it though, he can work all night without me nagging him to come home.

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Ungratefulwiife · 21/01/2021 12:24

He was very much the driver behind the house move.

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Ungratefulwiife · 21/01/2021 12:29

@Didiusfalco thank you. Did you not worry he would do it again? How do you not resent him?

I worry that I won't be able to come back from this.

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comfycomfy · 21/01/2021 12:30

I worry that I won't be able to come back from this.

I'm not sure why you'd want to. He is like a great big rock weighing you down.

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QuestionableMouse · 21/01/2021 12:32

I think I'd insist he spoke to his GP before doing anything re the move.

If he wouldn't I'd probably honestly be considering divorce. I couldn't live like that, sorry.

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Didiusfalco · 21/01/2021 12:36

@Ungratefulwiife. I definitely did resent him for a while, but it became fairly clear it was a mental health crisis (and he was definitely under a lot of pressure) and I wanted him to be happy. However when we moved house, which was last year, I found that hard, not that I consciously thought about the past move, but I’ve found the house disappointing.

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FelicityPike · 21/01/2021 12:36

@QuestionableMouse

I think I'd insist he spoke to his GP before doing anything re the move.

If he wouldn't I'd probably honestly be considering divorce. I couldn't live like that, sorry.

I agree with this.
I’m sorry OP.
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Ungratefulwiife · 21/01/2021 12:38

@Didiusfalco I think that is the crux of it - if he won't seek help after this then I think it means he is just an arsehole.

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BackwardsGoing · 21/01/2021 12:39

I think you need to take steps to separate and protect yourself financially. If this has been going on for 6 years then nothing will change.

I'm so sorry.

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user1471538283 · 21/01/2021 12:42

This is awful. If he wants to pull out of the house move let him (he does all the ringing around) and then leave him. Your nerves must be shredded.

He is either genuinely sick (in which case he needs to see a doctor) or is a drama llama. I honestly could not live like this.

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TheGracefulwhale · 21/01/2021 12:43

So slightly different but my DH was working long hours in a management position. He kept mentioning he didn't feel it was long term but I didn't take it in and dismissed it. Then covid hit and he essentially broke down. Said he hated it, the pressure, the employers, the attitudes of the staff, everything.
Long story short, he quit, took a 12k paycut (considering he wasn't a high earner, 30k) and took a job closer to home, less hours, less responsibility etc. The change in my husband was worth so so much more than anything that tied us to that salary. Yes, we don't have as much disposable income, but the change in him has meant we decided to have another Child (dd is now 5 days old!) and really reevaluate our lives.

If you can look past the suddenness of it all, it may be what your dh needs to do. Obviously the house move is a shitter, but I would see it as not meant to be.
Would you rather a depressed (or possibly worse) husband and a new house or to stay put and have a laugh every day?

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tenlittlecygnets · 21/01/2021 12:48

Your last thread was six years ago! And I replied on it. My reply is the same now. He will not change. You have always had to pick up the slack while he focuses on His Big Job - even though he says he doesn't enjoy it. Or any of the jobs he's had!

He doesn't give you time to piss off to a cottage by the sea for 3 months to think about things, does he?

He's never sought any helps for his MH issues, he just buries his head in the sand and works and works. leaving you to do eveyrthign with the kids.

This could be a deal breaker for me.

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TonMoulin · 21/01/2021 12:48

The only thing that would make me think is if he rings his boss, says he is struggling MH wise (hence the crazy notice) and ask to go off sick b
Then he gives to his gp and ask for help, incl AD and counselling.

Otherwise he is an arse. One that puts you in very tricky situations you do t have to accept.

That’s very much the minimum. I would totally understand if you are saying ‘actually this broke the camel’s back. There is no going back fir me’

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BloggersBlog · 21/01/2021 12:51

The least he can do is go off sick, not hand in his notice until you have moved!! His boss sounds good, ringing you before he accepts his notice

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user1174147897 · 21/01/2021 12:54

Having just read through your previous thread too, I am pretty angry on your behalf.

Five years on - with you having bent over backwards so far in surprised you haven't snapped in half - and he pulls this?

Arsehole doesn't even cover it.

Please don't wait another five years of your precious life like this.

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FortunesFave · 21/01/2021 12:55

Has he any addictions? My DH was very unreliable (we've been together 20 years) but after giving up alcohol 5 years ago he has improved amazingly. It hasn't been easy...many ups and downs but he has not drunk a drop since then and manages with work and is much happier and fitter.

He was not an obvious alcoholic either.

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Ungratefulwiife · 21/01/2021 12:56

@TheGracefulwhale - I appreciate what you say but DH has already changed jobs a couple of times. When he took voluntary redundancy I suggested he take a job in a local bookshop (he always said this would be his ideal job) but he refused as it is "beneath him" and I genuinely think if he had taken it he would have ended up becoming a manager and working more hours anyway - he is that type of person. He seems to seek out stress.

The job he has now was supposed to be the one he enjoyed and had a better work/life balance - it never happened. For the first three months it was all " but I am on probation" and then it was "next month I will be better" and so on.

He said last night that he wants to go back to the job he took voluntary redundancy from 🙄 the one he apparently hated.

I don't think he will be happy if we don't move - he professes his hatred for this house every day.

Starting to think he is just all about the drama.

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handsandfeet · 21/01/2021 12:56

He sounds very fragile right now

Perhaps it's not right to move, presume you're upsizing? If it's going to add even more pressure on him.

He needs career or business coaching or maybe counselling?

What was your career before kids? Maybe it's time for you to return to work and him to stay at home? Or maybe switch up the balance so you both work part time and juggle kids

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BackwardsGoing · 21/01/2021 12:57

@BloggersBlog

The least he can do is go off sick, not hand in his notice until you have moved!! His boss sounds good, ringing you before he accepts his notice


Disastrous idea to move to a more expensive house and wipe out savings if he's just going to quit anyway.
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2bazookas · 21/01/2021 12:58

Poor you. I am sorry.

Damage limitation suggestion;

Contact your mortgage lender, estate agent and lawyer to cancel the house purchase.

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TheTeenageYears · 21/01/2021 12:58

I think you are right in what you said that if you do have to pull out of the house process he needs to make all the calls and deal with everything. It sounds like he's never really learn't the actions and consequences lesson so needs to take responsibility if he really is going to give up his job. He sounds a bit like my DH who only deals with anything when it's smacking him in the mouth. It's all fine until it's not and then it's a total disaster. It's interesting that he's actually handed in his notice rather than just talking about it and could be a sign that his MH has taken a hit - there's a huge difference between talking about it and doing it in my experience. If there's a genuine problem he needs to seek medical advice quickly. You have obviously been on this rollercoaster for a while and there needs to be a line drawn of either seek help or review options. It's not fair on you or the children to be pulled along for the ride - it's one of those piss on the pot or get off moments.

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Ungratefulwiife · 21/01/2021 13:03

No addictions, he rarely drinks and doesn't even take a paracetamol.

His boss called the house when he couldn't get DH back on his mobile - he quit by email.
Boss agrees that he is under a lot of pressure (then why have you let it get this bad?!!) and says he will mark him out sick this afternoon and tomorrow. I have tried to get a GP appointment - GP is going to arrange a call (but he has to do that direct with DH), I have messaged DH to let him know this. Ball is in his court.

I agree, being signed off sick for a week or two would at least give us a bit of breathing space.

The estate agent for our purchase is calling me - not sure if it is a general chaser or something else. I am not answering.

We are even moving out of London because that's what he wants (I am ambivalent) I do everything to please him.

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