He has just quit his job...

[Ungratefulwiife]

And we are supposed to exchange on our new house next week

I have posted before about my DH (a search shows it was back in 2015 - things really don't change, do they?) and his job. He is/was a high earner. Always hated his job, has done for the 18 years (and 4 different jobs) I have known him.

He changed career slightly a couple of years ago and things settled down a bit (he is still a workaholic) but he has just come down from working to inform me that he has handed his notice in and we now cannot move (because we won't get our mortgage and he is the main earner).

I have sent him out for a walk to calm the fuck down. His boss has rung and asked me WTF is going on - he hasn't accepted the resignation yet but he can't exactly force DH to keep his job.

There is a background to this, he has always threatened to quit his job "next year" - in fact I will link to my ancient thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2509489-Should-I-be-more-supportive

We now have 2 DC - 5&3

I have bent over backwards to support him and his career. He has always made it difficult for me to work - I have done every drop off and collection, always taken leave for sickness, even now I work evenings and weekends so he can have a clear 9hr day to work (we are both WFH) whilst I homeschool DS. He has never supported me working and several times he has asked me to be a SAHM. I work PT, 24hrs a week, but even FT I couldn't afford the new house.

What have I got in return? This. What angers me is that he has waited until the worst possible time to do it - it has taken almost a year to get to this point in the selling/buying process and we are in a chain of 6 houses (we are in the middle) which will now collapse.

I was in a bit of shock when he told me and so I informed him that he will be the one making all the calls - I shall have nothing further to do with it. He could be doing that now.

I have tried over the years to get him to seek help for what I believe to be MH issues but he refuses to. He won't speak to anyone.

Before Christmas he was overloaded with work but point blank refused to say so to his boss because it is a sign of "weakness".

Last night he was complaining about being underpaid (he took a massive pay cut for this job in the misguided notion it would mean less hours - the reality is, he is a workaholic, if there is work to do he will stay at his desk until it is done, all night if he has to. Unfortunately it is one of those jobs where you can always do more). I did not expect this, not today.

I don't even know why I am posting this, it's not like anyone can help. I am so angry.

He sounds like a complete nightmare I couldnt live with someone like that. It's always all about him and what he wants isnt it. Never what is best for you, the children or the family as a whole.

@Ungratefulwiife - the main thing I'd say to you now is to make sure the house sale doesn't go through. Don't rely on him to do it as I don't thing you can trust him to do it before it's too late.

To echo the others;

• Seek damage limitation on the house sale
• Decide YOUR line in the sand; what can you live with? What do you need to see happen to continue? When will you walk away?

Thank goodness you did not give up your job; it's your exit plan, if you do want to go. Imagine how you would feel now if you had given in and were a SAHM.

Sounds like my ex just before he had his midlife crisis. We were planning major renovations and he kept digging his heels in and sabotaging it. I think he felt under enormous pressure but didn't seem able to tell me this or even understand his unhappiness.

So instead he had a breakdown and left the marriage.
Your partner is clearly not communicating well, mostly because of his mental state.
I pushed mine to seek help but frankly, they have to want it or it doesn't work.
It's very difficult to come back from this in a marriage unless he gets help and communicates.

I wish it was only on mumsnet that a man suffering from a mental health breakdown owing to a stressful job that supports his family is considered an 'arsehole' and a 'prick'.

Well, it appears that only on mumsnet can someone behave like a prick and an arsehole and be excused on the basis they “must be suffering from a mental illness.

He may well be. He’s still a prick. The two things are not mutually exclusive.

The OP has been going through this for years. He actively puts barriers in her way to working more and therefore being in a position to support herself.

Talks about how his job is stressful but won’t get a different one because it’s beneath him.

Talks the OP into moving house and then quits his job at the last minute, in the height of a pandemic and the biggest unemployment crisis in decades.

Not only is he a prick, he’s a controlling abusive one at that.

If there is even the remotest chance of your DH changing, it will be because you change. After all, you're essentially doing the same thing you've been doing for years - as has he. What would happen if you put your foot down, put a stop to it, pulled yourself and your kids out of intolerable circumstances? At least then one of you will have shifted track.

There is SOOOO much going on here, I'm not surprised you're at the end of your tether.

Okay, first, the big jobs (high status I'm guessing too?), the big house etc all say that his massively motivated by appearances. Does this come from his family or his background?

It's also interesting that the big crises come at times of significant change. Which could just be him being a dick or it could be a mental health crisis that is triggered by this sort of change.

Either way, the best thing I ever read on MN was someone saying that Mental Health issues don't give you the right to be a dick. It sounds like he has serious issues - something issues that mean he has skewed ways of how to view success, he seeks change but finds it stressful, claims not to enjoy his work but is a total workaholic (again, I'm assuming that's got to do with status and/or insecurity). But it doesn't really matter because whether or not he is having a mental health crisis, if he won't deal with it, then you can't maintain your support forever.

you probably have zero clue how it feels like to have 3 dependants, being a main breadwinner and hate his job.

@Iwonder08 You think OP doesn't contribute enough and should carry on constantly giving her emotional labour intensely and drainingly to her partner as well as working herself at a demanding job on top of stuff with the kids? Blimey, what century are we living in? 'Don't send him off with your hair in curlers.'

I think he needs to come to the realisation that a (another!) new job and a new house won't fix depression. He needs to see his GP. I wouldn't do anything about cancelling the move just yet.

It does sound like he has mental health issues - my first instinctive thought was bipolar, just in terms of the impulsive angry silly behaviour - but it doesn't matter much whether he does or doesn't, if he isn't willing to seek help or take any responsibility for getting better. Until he does he is identical to an abuser in his behaviour; what is causing it is just labels. If he absolutely will not go to the GP you have no choice but to ensure the house sale really is cancelled (don't rely on him as he may not be capable of ensuring it is cancelled at this point in time) and then consider your options very carefully.

The fact you've been in this situation since 2015 and you are starting to wake up to that being an unacceptably long time for things not to have changed, makes me think you are ready to make some changes in your life, regardless of what he does. Best of luck, OP

Btw he has had one block of 3 months off in 2014 and 4 months off in 2018 to "reflect" and nothing changed.

You were told to sack off this big, fucking baby 6 years ago. But instead you went and had another kid with him.

I hope the lastest shenanigans signal the final nail in the coffin for you. Life doesn't have to be this hard.

You've put up with this for 18 years and clearly tried everything I think you absolutely need to put yourself and your DC first now.

Absolutely don't move!!!

I would be telling him to move out and be proactive in sorting his head out or it's over.

For 18 years you've pandered to his dramas whilst he's refused to do anything to help himself

I would pull out of the house sale at this point on principle, even when he backtracks on quitting his job (which his boss seems to want).

You need to protect yourself. He seems to have ramped up his 'game' of complaining but refusing to change, to even more drama where you know he will backtrack.

I would consider making staying in the house with you all conditional on speaking to the GP and signing up for counselling.

@Ungratefulwiife

If we are going to split up I would rather stay in this house and not uproot the children.

I might suggest he signs the house over to me (we have no mortgage at present) and he can take the savings and fuck off.

I can just about afford the bills here on my salary (I earn £32k part time, it would be about £46k full time but I don't think I would get FT hours at the moment).

Do this - let him sort his own life out, and let you have some security

OP, I am so sorry. He has no respect for you or your family. He quit his job without speaking to you and has jeopardised everything.

If I were you I would offer him an ultimatum.

He goes back to his boss has a frank conversation about workload and says the resignation was a moment of madness, he simultaneously books himself at the GP and you move forward together and deal with your issues.

Or the house stays on the market and you go your separate ways. This man is not your ally.

He's selfish and enjoys wallowing in misery. He wont change because he loves the drama. Sounds like he's got a personality disorder.

@Iwonder08

OP, I hear you, it was his idea with the bigger house, he didn't support with getting a proper job, but you probably have zero clue how it feels like to have 3 dependants, being a main breadwinner and hate his job. Yes, he is allowed to hate more than one job, it is entirely possible he hates the industry. The prospect even more responsibilities just tipped him over the edge. Have you seen Falling down with Mike Douglas? It might be a good thing he found the courage to stop the house move now and quit his job. However frustrating the situation is, if it was my husband I would encourage him to take 6 months off and relax before he starts considering different jobs

Very much this.

He earns 7k a month? I'm assuming that's a net figure so he must be on about 150k a year then?

No wonder he is stressed. No job is low stress where that level of salary is involved, and any company paying a 6 figure salary is going to expect significant additional hours. I earn less than half that and am working 8am to as late as 10pm some nights, plus weekends because we have considerable additional work at present.

He sounds burnt out; changing jobs repeatedly isn't ever going to help. 6 months off where he can just have some space and time to think is the only thing that will really help. If you are mortgage free, managing on your 2k income for that period should be doable, dip into savings a little if you need to.

What positives is he bringing to your life?

It’s obviously a cycle and isn’t going to change unless forced. There’s a limit to what you can deal with whether it’s caused by a MH issue or being prick.

You should prioritise stability for yourself and DC. If you don’t want to move then don’t. Use this as the lever to pull the plug on the move.

You can then make a decision about staying /splitting based on what he’s willing to get help and whether you’ve simply reached the end of your tether.

Sounds like you’ll be in a half decent position if you do split if the mortgage is paid down and you can afford the bills.

Go through with the move

I completed on a house purchase a week after I got made redundant just made sure the mortgage was big enough to give me at lease a years buffer in case I couldn’t get another job.

I see he's already taken time off. Then he needs to take more time/longer. My partner earns a similar level, maybe slightly less (he works on a contract basis so it's a little different) and he works for the duration of the contract - anything from 6-18 months, and then takes 6 months or more off to decompress because while he is in that contract, the level he is working at takes over his life. Earning at that level gives him the capacity to have those career breaks between roles. Works for him; it means he has to live a more frugal lifestyle but his MH is much better as a result.

Does he always hyper- focus on things? Find it difficult to transition from work to home life?
Dont want to be Dr Google. But could he could he have ADHD?

6 months off where he can just have some space and time to think is the only thing that will really help

Did you miss the 7months he's already checked out of family life? It doesn't seem to have helped at all - OP has said he came back and things just carried on.

YANBU at all OP.

But this man is choosing to work the hours he did.

He had the opportunity to change jobs but didn’t because he felt the other one was beneath him.

Even if he has MH issues, people need to realise that if one person is suffering from MH issues, others are suffering as a result of that, and that if someone chooses not to seek help they can’t be surprised if those around them decide they don’t want to be a part of it any more.

If the man was an alcoholic or a drug addict people would be telling the OP to leave him if he refused to do anything about it, this is no different.

Even if someone had a physical illness which they refused to seek help for but expected everyone else to be understanding of people would be within their rights to say no.