He has just quit his job...

[Ungratefulwiife]

And we are supposed to exchange on our new house next week

I have posted before about my DH (a search shows it was back in 2015 - things really don't change, do they?) and his job. He is/was a high earner. Always hated his job, has done for the 18 years (and 4 different jobs) I have known him.

He changed career slightly a couple of years ago and things settled down a bit (he is still a workaholic) but he has just come down from working to inform me that he has handed his notice in and we now cannot move (because we won't get our mortgage and he is the main earner).

I have sent him out for a walk to calm the fuck down. His boss has rung and asked me WTF is going on - he hasn't accepted the resignation yet but he can't exactly force DH to keep his job.

There is a background to this, he has always threatened to quit his job "next year" - in fact I will link to my ancient thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2509489-Should-I-be-more-supportive

We now have 2 DC - 5&3

I have bent over backwards to support him and his career. He has always made it difficult for me to work - I have done every drop off and collection, always taken leave for sickness, even now I work evenings and weekends so he can have a clear 9hr day to work (we are both WFH) whilst I homeschool DS. He has never supported me working and several times he has asked me to be a SAHM. I work PT, 24hrs a week, but even FT I couldn't afford the new house.

What have I got in return? This. What angers me is that he has waited until the worst possible time to do it - it has taken almost a year to get to this point in the selling/buying process and we are in a chain of 6 houses (we are in the middle) which will now collapse.

I was in a bit of shock when he told me and so I informed him that he will be the one making all the calls - I shall have nothing further to do with it. He could be doing that now.

I have tried over the years to get him to seek help for what I believe to be MH issues but he refuses to. He won't speak to anyone.

Before Christmas he was overloaded with work but point blank refused to say so to his boss because it is a sign of "weakness".

Last night he was complaining about being underpaid (he took a massive pay cut for this job in the misguided notion it would mean less hours - the reality is, he is a workaholic, if there is work to do he will stay at his desk until it is done, all night if he has to. Unfortunately it is one of those jobs where you can always do more). I did not expect this, not today.

I don't even know why I am posting this, it's not like anyone can help. I am so angry.

He sounds like he has grand ideas about who he is and what he wants to look like to the world. And that is more important to him than his happiness or yours. He won't take a lower paid job with less stress, he's not happy in a 'shitty' house (I assume it's not that shitty if you don't actually want to move), basically he wants to be a big I Am to the outside, and to himself, and you're paying the price. You're not his priority, his image is. Although he appears very senior and important, underneath he may have very little self esteem and tries to boost it by having the trappings of success.

You don't have to put up with this. If he chooses money and prestige to boost him, even though it also makes him miserable, rather than a loving family to take pride in, that's his choice to make. It's your choice to leave him to it.

If this was the first time he'd done something like this, you'd want to help him through it. But it isn't. This is going to be your life, always at the mercy of his feelings and wants. If I were you, you have the opportunity to get out and I'd take it. Think of it this way - it's actually a blessing that he's quit now, a couple of weeks before buying the house, rather than a couple of weeks after.

And don't feel guilty about the chain collapsing. It's not your fault, and although it's not nice, those people affected will pull themselves up and start again. They'll get over it. Don't commit yourself to a lifetime of misery to spare their feelings.

At least he pulled this stunt before you exchanged. Which mean you haven’t uprooted the kids.

What an arsehole tho.

my first instinctive thought was bipolar, just in terms of the impulsive angry silly behaviour

@RhubarbTea I have bipolar and that's not characteristic of bipolar if someone is like that to some extent all of the time, if it's a lot of the time, it's part of his personality i.e. maybe personality disorder traits.

With bipolar a person has phases of weeks or months where their behaviour is different from their normal behaviour. With bipolar he would have to usually have considerable stretches of time where he's stroppy and others where he's not. Some people get rapid cycling but they usually get that after years of normal bipolar where the phases are weeks/months.

If the person's behaviour/mood varies from day to day/every few days it's more like personality disorder traits. Most of us have personality disorder traits to some extent, which can manifest when under stress.

Either way, it's hard going for the OP.

OP he sounds absolutely exhausting. You must be so tired.

My dad was a bit like this, a workaholic who was always stressed always under pressure, always bringing work home, always blowing up. I used to wish he would pack the job in so I didn't have to grow up in a house watching him moan at my mum and making everyone's like miserable for the sake of money. He didn't even want to spend it, it was just to make him feel more secure. I've made conscious decisions not to live like that as an adult.

You have to accept this is the way you live or leave. Not sure there is much middle ground. You can't expect him to change after 18 years.

My now exh also handed in his notice without telling me beforehand. He became defensive and his view was that he didn’t have to tell me as it was his job and he would get a new role easily. He did, but that wasn’t the point . At that moment I started to protect myself and knew I could never trust him to plan a secure life with. Coupled with other narcissistic traits the marriage ended quickly. Really sorry this happened to you mid house purchase OP- possibly better than after though? It’s so difficult when he won’t agree to get any help for destructive behaviour. Different to your scenario, After I kicked exh out and I was selling the house I found a letter from his ex employer stating that as he resigned they would ‘no longer be taking any action’- it was such a vague letter and it has always driven me nuts not knowing what he did! Though any criticism against him would probably have made him resign in a huff...

I don't think the house is the end of the world.

It's crazy to quit a job in a pandemic though. It would have been more sensible to pull out of the house sale, pull back on his hours and see how he feels. Then if he really wanted to change jobs again it would be more sensible to do so while employed.

It's hard to tell whether this is impulsivity or he's on the verge of a breakdown.

But I would pick your battles: job more

Sounds totally unstable to me.

The red flags which I would want/need addressing are:-

• how can he have hated every job he's ever had?
• he works hard and long hours at this job he's left so why has he left it?
• why didn't he look into his issues when he took some time off from his work?

Regardless of his MH issues I echo other posters to say I couldn't live like this.

The other worrying parts are if he's not happy with a smaller house yet bails on this purchase last minute.

Funnily enough I think my own DF had issues around this (house purchase) but then he was a functioning alcoholic too with some then un-diagnosed MH issues.

But I would pick your battles: job more serious than house sale kerfuffle.

Looks like he’s imploding OP
The question is will you let him take you and the dc with him? It sounds like you have been very supportive over the years but this would be the final straw for me

I think you might need to give him an ultimatum. You are not only looking out for your children, you also need stability in your own life too. With that as the end goal, you might very much need to take the reins in this situation, tell him that he has to leave. Hopefully he has other relatives that he could go to so that he has a roof over his head. In the meantime, you will have to cancel the house move, and the children moving to new schools (don't forget to get them signed up to their old ones too).
You then will have some level of stability in your lives.

He then has to sort out his life and work out what he wants. It does read as though he is going through some crisis and needs help but he is the one that has to ask for the help. It's no good presenting him with the help, he has to want to be helped (kind of like hitting the bottom of the barrel and this is why I think by you giving him an ultimatum, he might just hit bottom). I don't say any of the above lightly and wish you every success in whatever you decide to do in this situation. It's not a pleasant or nice place to be.

Good luck!

I think you should see a solicitor and get some advice. You need to protect yourself and your children. Staying in the house and letting him leave with the savings sounds like a potential way through this

As someone who has always struggled with the role of work in my life and yet work very hard and long hours by most people's standards in a well paying job, I do kind of see where he is coming from. HOWEVER he's already left a job, had a career change etc. and it hasn't helped. I think he should be self aware enough (like hopefully I am) to realise the resentment of work is just a symptom of something else - being a grown up, your time being owned by someone else, pressures of providing for a family etc. Yes it sucks to never feel enthusiastic about your job and yet feel a bit trapped due to financial pressures or expectations from your team/boss into working long hours. But he should NEVER make that kind of decision without discussing it with you first, especially when it has the knock on effect on the house.

I agree with others he should be getting himself into counselling - at the least to help him understand that fulfilment at work or lack thereof is not the only meaning in life, and also workaholic tendencies are a habit that he can change.

I imagine he maybe panicked that a more expensive house would trap him even more into a high paying, high pressure, long hours role and panicked. But the way you deal with that is discussing it openly, agreeing if the lifestyle is worth the job etc., not handing in your notice and losing a house (and impacting all the other poor people in the chain).

This sounds intolerable to me, something akin to living in a blender. A blender with someone else's finger on the on switch. That someone else being a very selfish person who is impossible to satisfy, for what seems like many indefinable reasons. Every so often when things settle a little and you breathe easy for a moment, the selfish bastard flicks the switch again. Of course it's you and the kids inside the blender, he is safely on the outside.

He is a fucking selfish wanker, thinks of nobody but himself. It's obvious. Mental health issues do not excuse him. Plenty of people suffer mental health problems without blowing up the lives of their spouse and children on a whim, every time they feel like it.

He rants, whines about his awful hard life down the mines.
You put aside your needs and soothe his feelings or try to pat it all down when Jimmy his boss forgot to cc him on an email. Diddums feelings got hurt so the whole household has to pay.

Look at the work you have gone to yourself for this move.
The agonising, the plans, the 'putting up with'.
The hours of looking at schools, childcare etc etc.
To try to make a good life for your family.
But funnily enough - it's all about HIM - AGAIN!!
I'm wondering about why you called yourself 'ungrateful wife' on the posts?
Why would you think you are ungrateful? You work so hard for your family. You are putting all your needs, all your efforts and all your hopes and dreams aside in order to support this man's emotional distraction technique which is ruminating about how life done him wrong and then telling you about it at length in an angry tone.

Yes, he works 'hard'. But we all know working in a nice warm office in front of a computer is actually relatively grand if you are emotionally well.
He's got a relationships issue from childhood that is being replayed every day at home and in the office.

How dare he call your home a shitty little house! How very superior of him. Were you not raging over that?
All the work you do to keep your gorgeous family going.
Acknowledge all the good stuff you do personally, look around at your lovely children and what you have done for them.
All those nights of worry.
Get counselling for yourself so at least you have some support. It might really help to have somewhere to talk about this.

Sounds like some kind of mental health issues need sorting.

Does he have the number for Samaritans on hand?

it doesn't matter if he is having a nervous breakdown or whatever. That's his issue to deal with.

Follow your own advice. Cancel the house sale. Tell him you want to divorce and you take the house. You are lucky to be able to support you and the kids. He is dragging you down.

The main issue is your DH choice to do nothing about his issues. You have tried to support him, he has had sabbaticals, he changes his job and nothing changes, you organsied life coaching yet he refused to engage. That is the main issue- if he wont seek support there isnt alot you can do but accept this. Not sure how your kids are dealing with but it all sounds very stressful. You need to refocus your energy on yourself and your own needs and wants. Sounds like you havent spent much time doing that

Oh @Ungratefulwiife

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Having just exchanged on a house in a middle of a chain (only 4 houses), I can imagine how upsetting it must be for your H to throw this massive spanner in the works.

What is really striking for me is how your DH appears displeased with absolutely everything. You are trying your best to please him, it never works. He hates his house, but he also hate the idea of moving. He hates his job and he hated the one before it too. He has a dream job, but when you suggested he does that instead, he hated the idea. He hates the way things are, but also hates all of your suggestions.

He doesn't need addictions, he escapes from his uncomfortable feelings into work. But then it ends up eating him inside.

To say he has issues is an understatement and your entire life seems to be focused on helping him help himself, but he won't.

What is a more interesting question in this context is why you have stayed for so long. Did you have very critical parents? is this the level of negativity/drama you expect in your life? I know you are entirely consumed by his drama - but what role do you play in this?

BTW, I mean no judgement. It took me decades to find my own power and stop giving it away to others.

So he's just torpedoed the house move but moving was his idea and he hates the house you're in currently? He moans about stressful work but anything less stressful is beneath him. And he's Mr Bigshot when it comes to whatever job he has, leaving you to pick up the pieces (homeschooling) or bend to his whim (leaving London)

^^This

He is a burden.

I'm exhausted just reading about him

6 years later you're here again. Just take control of your life, for your DCs sake

Any chance he’s on the autistic spectrum?

Just wanted to say I’m really sorry to read this I can only imagine what you are going through.

It sounds like he needs a wake up call. A colleague of mine was similar and had 4 children, all quite young. His job was a lot of travelling and he said in confidence a few months ago that lockdown saved his marriage. Being at home he realised that his marriage was about to end unless he changed something and lockdown was the trigger he needed. He quit and now they are blissfully happy.

It sounds like he needs to talk to someone and if he refuses it may be time to bring out the big guns and say you’re leaving.

@JS87

Any chance he’s on the autistic spectrum?

Also this.

My husband is rather like this. He would get a new job which would be 'the one' and fall in love with it, but after a year he would hate all the other managers and leave in a dramatic way, burning his bridges as he went. He is well paid and high up in management. Eventually, after much moping around at home, he just gets another job.

I pick up all the slack at home so he can be a high flyer and earner. So i understand that its extra annoying when the career you have facilitated keeps getting trashed.

It's very tiresome, and I started to look into why this might be happening, and some of his other issues, like obsession (gets obsessed with a hobby, spends a fortune on it, posts it all over social media, drops it for new hobby, and repeat), poor sleeping, inability to perform in exam situation, and a general lack of satisfaction with ANYTHING in life, even when we had EVERYTHING, constant need for validation . Some of his behaviour looked like ADHD, so I suggested he see a GP.

20 min appointment and he got diagnosed with depression and given a AD prescription. The meds have helped a lot. He's now able to hold down a job, and his focus is much improved. I dunno if it was depression or ADHD, and i'm not that worried as whatever it was the ADs help him.

He's still flighty, but he's had some therapy that seems to have helped him take criticism better and not blow up his career as much.

In the meantime I have advanced my career and now work full time. His inability to hold down a job worry me less now I know I could cope without him.

So my advice would be to ask him to get help, but also make sure you can be independant, in case it all goes tits up. If he didn't get that help, we would not still be together. I think him knowing I don't need him financially anymore, means he knows he cant arse around. I don't have to stay for the money.

Don’t sell or buy a house as the current situation is too high risk. Think hard about your personal options, for your and your DCs’ future.

He is looking for some reason why he feels bad and for some change that make him feel better. He will always find something to explain it, the wrong job, the wrong house, the wrong location (maybe later on the wrong woman) But it's not the real source of his dissatisfaction so the change wont make him any happier. He will just find something else to stress and to misery about. It's who he is

Yep.

Sorry to say OP but anything you do to prop up the situation is not so much helping as enabling.