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Original poster

He has just quit his job...

399 replies

Ungratefulwiife · 21/01/2021 12:06

And we are supposed to exchange on our new house next week Angry

I have posted before about my DH (a search shows it was back in 2015 - things really don't change, do they?) and his job. He is/was a high earner. Always hated his job, has done for the 18 years (and 4 different jobs) I have known him.

He changed career slightly a couple of years ago and things settled down a bit (he is still a workaholic) but he has just come down from working to inform me that he has handed his notice in and we now cannot move (because we won't get our mortgage and he is the main earner).

I have sent him out for a walk to calm the fuck down. His boss has rung and asked me WTF is going on - he hasn't accepted the resignation yet but he can't exactly force DH to keep his job.

There is a background to this, he has always threatened to quit his job "next year" - in fact I will link to my ancient thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2509489-Should-I-be-more-supportive

We now have 2 DC - 5&3

I have bent over backwards to support him and his career. He has always made it difficult for me to work - I have done every drop off and collection, always taken leave for sickness, even now I work evenings and weekends so he can have a clear 9hr day to work (we are both WFH) whilst I homeschool DS. He has never supported me working and several times he has asked me to be a SAHM. I work PT, 24hrs a week, but even FT I couldn't afford the new house.

What have I got in return? This. What angers me is that he has waited until the worst possible time to do it - it has taken almost a year to get to this point in the selling/buying process and we are in a chain of 6 houses (we are in the middle) which will now collapse.

I was in a bit of shock when he told me and so I informed him that he will be the one making all the calls - I shall have nothing further to do with it. He could be doing that now.

I have tried over the years to get him to seek help for what I believe to be MH issues but he refuses to. He won't speak to anyone.

Before Christmas he was overloaded with work but point blank refused to say so to his boss because it is a sign of "weakness".

Last night he was complaining about being underpaid (he took a massive pay cut for this job in the misguided notion it would mean less hours - the reality is, he is a workaholic, if there is work to do he will stay at his desk until it is done, all night if he has to. Unfortunately it is one of those jobs where you can always do more). I did not expect this, not today.

I don't even know why I am posting this, it's not like anyone can help. I am so angry.

OP posts:
ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 21/01/2021 13:04

What a dick. I would make him cancel the house move and leave. Use the savings to set yourself up in a happy home with your children.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 21/01/2021 13:04

"We are even moving out of London because that's what he wants (I am ambivalent) I do everything to please him."

Never mind him, what do YOU want. What would make you happy?

midlifecrash · 21/01/2021 13:06

I don't think he will be happy if we don't move

Do you think he will be happy if you do move?

TheGracefulwhale · 21/01/2021 13:06

@Ungratefulwiife while it's really difficult to see it from their perspective, try and take a step back and see that your husband may work constantly but this is because he can't separate the parts of his life. The house purchase is clearly the last straw for him. He needs some support.
He is feeling under pressure to provide, potentially in a job he hates. He may have moved jobs many times but imagine having moved jobs and still not being happy, knowing your wife is getting fed up with your unhappiness and wants a bigger and better house that only your wage, which you hate earning, will pay for.
He may be a reactive person and that's a conversation to have after this issue is resolved. But for now, in my opinion he needs support and some understanding that he's having a crisis seemingly alone.

Original poster
Ungratefulwiife · 21/01/2021 13:07

If we are going to split up I would rather stay in this house and not uproot the children.

I might suggest he signs the house over to me (we have no mortgage at present) and he can take the savings and fuck off.

I can just about afford the bills here on my salary (I earn £32k part time, it would be about £46k full time but I don't think I would get FT hours at the moment).

OP posts:
AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight · 21/01/2021 13:08

I think you need to unhitch your fate from his mercurial personality, tbh. He seems to want it all ways and none at once.

Original poster
Ungratefulwiife · 21/01/2021 13:10

Btw it is not me driving the house move.

He equates having a big house with success. He says he feels like a student living in our shitty little house.

I am the one that has held back because I do not feel it is my decision as I do not earn the money to pay for it.

I am just angry he has let it get to this point.

DS expects to be starting a new school, I have paid a deposit for DD's nursery in new town etc. It isn't just me this affects.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ungratefulwiife · 21/01/2021 13:13

@AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight I think you are right, I do not feel in any control of my life at the moment.

OP posts:
BackwardsGoing · 21/01/2021 13:14

OP please speak to a solicitor. You need good financial advice. And don't move. You don't want to!

Remember you may be entitled to some tax credits and you should be entitled to child maintenance, assuming he keeps working.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 21/01/2021 13:15

I wouldn't be moving. Sucks to be everyone else in the chain but you can't move just to save them the inconvenience. If he's going to do stupid things like quit his job, then don't take another step until you've worked out what YOU want. I'm curious to why you have sacrificed yourself for him, Benny over backwards to support him, when he's so inconsiderate and impulsive? If my dh came in and told me he had quit his job just like that i would wonder why he had so little regard for me that he didn't even mention it. It would make me view him totally differently. Do you want to be back here posting again in 5 years because he's done something stupid, lost the big house and you're in rented or something like that?

You're not a team. It's you and the kids, and him. He's totally checked out of the marriage but not in a way that people could criticise him - like gambling or drinking or an affair. After all, he's a hard working guy, earning for his family. Who could argue with that?

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 21/01/2021 13:16

Take control. You know it's normal for you to have a say in where you live and how? It's not normal for your family to be at the whim of this prick.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 21/01/2021 13:17

So he's just torpedoed the house move but moving was his idea and he hates the house you're in currently? He moans about stressful work but anything less stressful is beneath him. And he's Mr Bigshot when it comes to whatever job he has, leaving you to pick up the pieces (homeschooling) or bend to his whim (leaving London) - when does what you want come into the equation for him?

It's easy to say when it's someone else's life, but how do you feel about him? Do you want to carry on like this (because it doesn't sound like it's ever going to change)? I think you need to start putting yourself first a bit more, because it's clear that your husband's self-absorption doesn't take anyone into account but him.

Chocaholic9 · 21/01/2021 13:19

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

Take control. You know it's normal for you to have a say in where you live and how? It's not normal for your family to be at the whim of this prick.
This. You need to gain more control of your own life.
SoulofanAggron · 21/01/2021 13:20

This would annoy me/most people I expect, as would all of his years-long attitude and behaviour. I can't stand being around moody people.

I hope he does speak to the doctor and come out the other side. Was he ever not like this?

If you do stay together in your current house and he still keeps moaning and bitching about the house as he does about many things, I would tell him to STFU about the house as he had the option for you all to move but decided not to/wasn't able to take on the responsibility for the new home.

notapizzaeater · 21/01/2021 13:21

Has his work got a counselling helpline he could talk to someone neutral. Will you be needing a big mortgage on the new house ?

SoulofanAggron · 21/01/2021 13:23

And yes, if you don't want to move, don't.

relaxtakeiteasyeatcheese · 21/01/2021 13:25

It sounds like he is very stressed out? Maybe at breaking point? Please get him to speak to his gp and also his boss. Maybe he needs to be signed off work for a bit.

user1174147897 · 21/01/2021 13:25

It's all about power for him. That's it.

That's why he's made it so difficult for you to work but had no interest in shared parental leave. Why he changed about not enough family time then handed your son back after an hour of one to one because it was boring. Why he's kept this constant threat of financial insecurity over your head for years (incidentally that is the opposite of wanting to be a "traditional family man" ).

It's been very effective - you've done all he wants and are still running around after him trying to please him. All these years later.

He'll never sign the house over to you. It would mean giving up his unfettered power and control.

thedancingbear · 21/01/2021 13:26

I wish it was only on mumsnet that a man suffering from a mental health breakdown owing to a stressful job that supports his family is considered an 'arsehole' and a 'prick'.

This is why men don't talk about mental health. This is why male suicide rates are so high.

Pretty repellent and depressing.

Brefugee · 21/01/2021 13:26

Gosh that's a big shock.

His boss sounds like a bit of a dick, tbh, overloading him and knowing that it is adding to the pressure. However your DH is a big boy now and should have said something (except he doesn't want to...)

In your shoes? I would insist that the house sale is stopped if you're fine with living where you do, and as you said make him make all the calls.

I'd also get financial/legal advice about separating and separating your finances.

Since people don't change I think the GP thing is a bit of a side issue and will benefit DH (or not) but not you to any great extent, he wants the stress of the job. And having said that: I would ask him to leave and try asap to increase your hours.

good luck.

Honeyroar · 21/01/2021 13:27

What a nightmare, you must be so stressed. You sound like the guide rope that holds this family together while he flaps about like a kite. How dare he do this without so much of a discussion about it. It’s like your opinion doesn’t matter. Where is he? He needs to come back from this walk and get talking. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt if he’s prepared to go to the Dr about this if it is a breakdown, but I’d also be looking at how I could survive separately.

user1174147897 · 21/01/2021 13:27

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

Take control. You know it's normal for you to have a say in where you live and how? It's not normal for your family to be at the whim of this prick.
Exactly.

He's not having a breakdown he's acting entirely within character as the controlling bully he is.

BubblyBarbara · 21/01/2021 13:29

we now cannot move (because we won't get our mortgage and he is the main earner).

I wouldn't be moving under these circumstances, but technically you still could. If you're exchanging next week, the mortgage should already be in place and all the solicitors have to do is push some buttons. There is no legal obligation to tell anyone he's changing jobs.

BoreOfWhabylon · 21/01/2021 13:29

@Ungratefulwiife

If we are going to split up I would rather stay in this house and not uproot the children.

I might suggest he signs the house over to me (we have no mortgage at present) and he can take the savings and fuck off.

I can just about afford the bills here on my salary (I earn £32k part time, it would be about £46k full time but I don't think I would get FT hours at the moment).

Do this
user1174147897 · 21/01/2021 13:30

@thedancingbear

I wish it was only on mumsnet that a man suffering from a mental health breakdown owing to a stressful job that supports his family is considered an 'arsehole' and a 'prick'.

This is why men don't talk about mental health. This is why male suicide rates are so high.

Pretty repellent and depressing.

Is there something wrong with your ability to read the years of context provided that show this is not an isolated incident or a breakdown?