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Original poster

He has just quit his job...

399 replies

Ungratefulwiife · 21/01/2021 12:06

And we are supposed to exchange on our new house next week Angry

I have posted before about my DH (a search shows it was back in 2015 - things really don't change, do they?) and his job. He is/was a high earner. Always hated his job, has done for the 18 years (and 4 different jobs) I have known him.

He changed career slightly a couple of years ago and things settled down a bit (he is still a workaholic) but he has just come down from working to inform me that he has handed his notice in and we now cannot move (because we won't get our mortgage and he is the main earner).

I have sent him out for a walk to calm the fuck down. His boss has rung and asked me WTF is going on - he hasn't accepted the resignation yet but he can't exactly force DH to keep his job.

There is a background to this, he has always threatened to quit his job "next year" - in fact I will link to my ancient thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2509489-Should-I-be-more-supportive

We now have 2 DC - 5&3

I have bent over backwards to support him and his career. He has always made it difficult for me to work - I have done every drop off and collection, always taken leave for sickness, even now I work evenings and weekends so he can have a clear 9hr day to work (we are both WFH) whilst I homeschool DS. He has never supported me working and several times he has asked me to be a SAHM. I work PT, 24hrs a week, but even FT I couldn't afford the new house.

What have I got in return? This. What angers me is that he has waited until the worst possible time to do it - it has taken almost a year to get to this point in the selling/buying process and we are in a chain of 6 houses (we are in the middle) which will now collapse.

I was in a bit of shock when he told me and so I informed him that he will be the one making all the calls - I shall have nothing further to do with it. He could be doing that now.

I have tried over the years to get him to seek help for what I believe to be MH issues but he refuses to. He won't speak to anyone.

Before Christmas he was overloaded with work but point blank refused to say so to his boss because it is a sign of "weakness".

Last night he was complaining about being underpaid (he took a massive pay cut for this job in the misguided notion it would mean less hours - the reality is, he is a workaholic, if there is work to do he will stay at his desk until it is done, all night if he has to. Unfortunately it is one of those jobs where you can always do more). I did not expect this, not today.

I don't even know why I am posting this, it's not like anyone can help. I am so angry.

OP posts:
Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 21/01/2021 16:20

My ex was similar, it was exhausting

whitechocolatehobnobs · 21/01/2021 16:32

You've put up with so much, OP. Mental health issues or not, there is no helping people like him. He will never be happy and nothing will ever be enough.

As others have suggested, I would cancel the house move, tell him you want a divorce and tell him to move out.

Even if he agrees not to leave his job now and you press ahead with the move, this will happen time and again, as it has before.

CatrinVennastin · 21/01/2021 16:34

If you like your house and like living in London don’t leave! It will be nigh on impossible to come back again if your kids get settled in a new school.

CatrinVennastin · 21/01/2021 16:37

I have just read your other thread. Fucking hell 12 weeks navel gazing in a cottage by the sea! MH issues or not he’s not able to think of anyone except himself.

BackwardsGoing · 21/01/2021 16:41

@fuzzyduck1

Go through with the move

I completed on a house purchase a week after I got made redundant just made sure the mortgage was big enough to give me at lease a years buffer in case I couldn’t get another job.

Did you miss the bit where OP said she didn't want to move house and it was initiated by her husband?

Bakedbeanhead · 21/01/2021 16:43

OP this all sounds exhausting. Just looking ahead for you (as I have teenagers) what if your kids want to go to uni ? Is he always going to be pulling the rug from under you and your children, you will never be able to plan for anything. I don’t particularly like my job, but when you have kids you have an obligation I am afraid.
Good luck, I think you know you have some serious decisions to make.

PatchworkElmer · 21/01/2021 16:49

I couldn’t live like this OP. You’ve had years of this instability, and it’s now affecting your children. If he won’t seek help, I’d be divorcing him.

snowisfallingallaroundus · 21/01/2021 16:49

Sounds like he's on the verge of or in the middle of a breakdown and not coping.

Workaholic = perfectionism

You sound exhausted and exasperated but I'd try and find space to think about what is going on with him and get him to just stop. Go off sick if need be. Too much pressure

Kitfish · 21/01/2021 16:56

Your DH has clearly been struggling for a while. I guess something was the straw that broke the camel's back and he's quit. I understand how he feels: I was in a high paid, high pressure job 10 year's ago trying to hold it all together. One day I just got to the point where I couldn't carry one, so I quit. I earned 10x my DH's salary at the time. I got his unconditional understanding, love and support.

Shame on the PP's telling you to divorce him for this. Your DH can't cope with the pressure. He is making a change before the new house purchase commits him for years. He needs your understanding and support not your fury. As for the house - it's just a house. There will be others. He will also get another job and - as you have said - as things stand you have savings.

So - give him a hug and help him sort his head out and then support him while he find's a role that doesn't overwhelm him. You can then look for a (possibly cheaper) house together when he is more mentally stable.

For better for worse. For richer for poorer after all.

whitechocolatehobnobs · 21/01/2021 16:57

The amount of people on here who haven't bothered to RTFT or even, it seems, read the OP's first post, is staggering!

BillMasheen · 21/01/2021 16:59

@Kitfish. RTFT

PatchworkElmer · 21/01/2021 17:01

@Kitfish I would agree with you if OP’s situation is similar to yours. But it’s really not- her DH has behaved erratically for years, she’s offered him endless support- time out, life coaching, working in a bookshop if that’s what would make him happy. He’s now insisted on a big house move, which will uproot their children- and has done this with no discussion. There comes a point when you can’t be held hostage to someone else’s mental health issues. The impact of this uncertainty on DC would be enough to make me walk.

2bazookas · 21/01/2021 17:05

@fuzzyduck1

Go through with the move

I completed on a house purchase a week after I got made redundant just made sure the mortgage was big enough to give me at lease a years buffer in case I couldn’t get another job.

That is a terrible idea. OP can't afford the huge new mortgage on her income. If they default on payments the lender will repossess the house and sell it. Then OP and her kids are homeless in a new area with no local support.

At the moment they own the current home outright with no mortgage. If the marriage ends OP already has a network of local contacts AND she can afford to live in the house on her income.
That is a far far safer position for a woman about to become a divorced single parent.

Cccc1111 · 21/01/2021 17:06

Good old mumsnet. Someone dares to have a different opinion from the herd, so of course they must have not read the thread properly

PegasusReturns · 21/01/2021 17:08

@Kitfish please tell me that you wrote that crappy response before your read this thread or the linked thread Hmm

BubblyBarbara · 21/01/2021 17:09

For better for worse. For richer for poorer after all.

I think he sounds like a terrible person and they should probably split. But it is nice to see someone actually sticking up for wedding vows here because it is so rare and people consider them to be a mere formality. So good for you @Kitfish you are a good person.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/01/2021 17:12

@Ungratefulwiife

If we are going to split up I would rather stay in this house and not uproot the children.

I might suggest he signs the house over to me (we have no mortgage at present) and he can take the savings and fuck off.

I can just about afford the bills here on my salary (I earn £32k part time, it would be about £46k full time but I don't think I would get FT hours at the moment).

I think that would be avery good idea.

18 years. He's been draining you for 18 YEARS. And nothing you do will ever change that. So, as the saying goes, 'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got'. You have always supported him - possibly enabled him. You have always got him moaning about hating his job and doing NOTHING to change that. So maybe - just maybe - if you stop supporting him, stop enabling him; well I doubt he'll stop moaning, but maybe you will wrestle control of your life out of his hands and into yours?

"I was in a bit of shock when he told me and so I informed him that he will be the one making all the calls - I shall have nothing further to do with it. He could be doing that now."
Whilst I do feel he should feel the consequences of his actions, I'd be inclined to make some calls. Not today, because he'll just turn it on you that of course he didn't mean it, yadda yadda yadda - but in a couple of days, when he's still moaning your arse off and still hasn't made the calls himself, then - then, I'd be making the calls to pull out of selling your home and buying this more-suitable-for-the-Big-I-Am house. No fucking way would I allow myself to become homeless for this strop he's having. No. Fucking. Way.

Protect yourself and your children. Refuse to move. Get him to move somewhere else for his pity party. Learn how to breathe freely again. ((hug))

poorbuthappy · 21/01/2021 17:16

Christ alive I've heard it all now.

thenewduchessofhastings · 21/01/2021 17:17

Does he suffer from depression?

poorbuthappy · 21/01/2021 17:17

Not @WhereYouLeftIt 's post obv.

Feedingthebirds1 · 21/01/2021 17:20

@BubblyBarbara

For better for worse. For richer for poorer after all.

I think he sounds like a terrible person and they should probably split. But it is nice to see someone actually sticking up for wedding vows here because it is so rare and people consider them to be a mere formality. So good for you @Kitfish you are a good person.

But that applies to the DH as well. What about 'to love and to cherish'? Op seems to be the only one sticking to that vow.

From the OP -

I have bent over backwards to support him and his career. He has always made it difficult for me to work - I have done every drop off and collection, always taken leave for sickness, even now I work evenings and weekends so he can have a clear 9hr day to work (we are both WFH) whilst I homeschool DS. He has never supported me working and several times he has asked me to be a SAHM. I work PT, 24hrs a week, but even FT I couldn't afford the new house.

PlanDeRaccordement · 21/01/2021 17:28

Sounds like a mental breakdown. Workaholics get them...it’s also called burnout. I’d be insisting he sees GP and gets signed off for stress for two weeks to give him time for decisions.
You might want to pull out of upsizing. If he hates the current house, and you do too. There is no reason why you can’t move to a similar sized but nicer home. A compromise between wiping out savings and keeping it all.

PlanDeRaccordement · 21/01/2021 17:30

I think OP too that all your supporting in his career is not a guarantee that everything is going to be fine. People have mental breakdowns even with the best, most loving and supportive partner. So it’s not any lack on your part, but again your support is not protection against him having a breakdown.

EKGEMS · 21/01/2021 17:36

@Iwonder08 Do you honestly believe that tripe you posted? He doesn't WANT his wife working full time and has actively done things to hinder her going full time. He's had plenty of options provided by his wife. Read the OP posts again. What universe means he can take six months off?

SoulofanAggron · 21/01/2021 17:38

If he hates the current house, and you do too.

@PlanDeRaccordement OP hasn't said she has any problem with their current house particularly.

@Ungratefulwiife By the way, my dad was volatile and moody like this. It made my childhood unleasant, probably is part of what's left me permanently severely disabled, part of which is anxiousness around people due to his moods, and gave me a wrong idea of how much I should put up with from men/be an unpaid psychiatric nurse. I also resented my mum for some times my dad treated me badly and she didn't stick up for me.

What is he like with the kids? What do you think he'll be like when they're teenagers?

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