He has just quit his job...

[Ungratefulwiife]

And we are supposed to exchange on our new house next week

I have posted before about my DH (a search shows it was back in 2015 - things really don't change, do they?) and his job. He is/was a high earner. Always hated his job, has done for the 18 years (and 4 different jobs) I have known him.

He changed career slightly a couple of years ago and things settled down a bit (he is still a workaholic) but he has just come down from working to inform me that he has handed his notice in and we now cannot move (because we won't get our mortgage and he is the main earner).

I have sent him out for a walk to calm the fuck down. His boss has rung and asked me WTF is going on - he hasn't accepted the resignation yet but he can't exactly force DH to keep his job.

There is a background to this, he has always threatened to quit his job "next year" - in fact I will link to my ancient thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2509489-Should-I-be-more-supportive

We now have 2 DC - 5&3

I have bent over backwards to support him and his career. He has always made it difficult for me to work - I have done every drop off and collection, always taken leave for sickness, even now I work evenings and weekends so he can have a clear 9hr day to work (we are both WFH) whilst I homeschool DS. He has never supported me working and several times he has asked me to be a SAHM. I work PT, 24hrs a week, but even FT I couldn't afford the new house.

What have I got in return? This. What angers me is that he has waited until the worst possible time to do it - it has taken almost a year to get to this point in the selling/buying process and we are in a chain of 6 houses (we are in the middle) which will now collapse.

I was in a bit of shock when he told me and so I informed him that he will be the one making all the calls - I shall have nothing further to do with it. He could be doing that now.

I have tried over the years to get him to seek help for what I believe to be MH issues but he refuses to. He won't speak to anyone.

Before Christmas he was overloaded with work but point blank refused to say so to his boss because it is a sign of "weakness".

Last night he was complaining about being underpaid (he took a massive pay cut for this job in the misguided notion it would mean less hours - the reality is, he is a workaholic, if there is work to do he will stay at his desk until it is done, all night if he has to. Unfortunately it is one of those jobs where you can always do more). I did not expect this, not today.

I don't even know why I am posting this, it's not like anyone can help. I am so angry.

he wants to see if they will sue us for them

It's not the anti-depressants is it? This is just an intensification of his 'everyone is against me' behaviour.

The reason he has got really angry is that for the first time in his life, you have called him out on it. So he has lashed out and gone home to mummy.

He has never fully engaged with adulting as he has been able to opt out whenever he wanted to. This strategy has worked for him for a surprisingly long time.

Yes ADs often make feel dreadful at first.

Yes he's never actually committed to being an adult.

Are you sure he's taking them?

And yes to a PP - everything about your future depends on him changing. What is the actual likelihood of that happening?

As for the estate agent - well if it was that easy to get paid even if the move doesn't go ahead surely they'd all be doing it? People pull out of house moves all the time for any number of reasons. Do you hear of people being sued by EA? Might be naïve mind you, I do accept that!

Yes, I think the estate agent is trying it on actually, though I suppose it depends on the detail in your agreement with them. But I would have said exchange is the first point where money is on the line. If you can't proceed with your purchase because of his resignation, it's entirely reasonable to pull out of your sale. It must happen somewhere every day of the week. Last time I moved house we had 12 chains collapse ffs. If all the estate agents concerned had had to be paid each time, everybody involved would have bankrupted themselves.

I'm glad the house move is off but wow, his reaction is very telling.

He is completely inflexible isn't he? You talk about going to work full time but that doesn't bring in the level of income that he is accustomed to. Well no shit, but he's the one on about quitting his job to save face.

And now he's running off to mummy.

You need to think long and hard op. This isn't a man who is likely to change- he's done the same before and it's happening again. Where is your line in the sand?

I'm horrified for you and your kids.

I know this must be hard to read, but he doesn't deserve your respect or kindness. Well done on challenging him about the EA payment though.

I would not be funding a coastal place to facilitate him.

Sertraline or Prozac take 2 weeks to have the desired effect.
Better off let his mum deal with those 2 weeks than you.
Focus on you and your children instead. Really put yourself and then first. What is best for you as a three?

No way will estate agent sue. Your husband no longer has a job, you can't complete. End of.

OP, could I suggest, while your DH is away, that you read the book by Lundy Bancroft ‘Why does he do that?’

It might help you to know that there are so many women in your position that a family therapist could research and write a book on it. It might help to put this down in black and white.

He will not change. Only you can decide if you can continue to live this life.

I think I'd be taking a very hard look at my life while he's gone OP. I suspect you'll find it's easier without him there, and that the kids are more relaxed. And if that's the case, there's no reason to continually tie yourself in knots to facilitate whatever drama he cooks up next. He sounds exhausting.

Depending on what he's taking and what dosage it could be a good few weeks before they have an impact. Sertraline particularly has some challenging side effects, I found it really ramped up my anxiety for the first couple of weeks but after that it's been a godsend. So yes, it might make him worse before he improves. Amazing though how he's managed to skip out on the adulting responsibilities op, he was going to, one way or another.

I'm amazed he found somewhere to stay, by the coast.

Make the best of it, though.

So he gets to throw everything to the wind.
He's not even there to help with the DC, never mind going to live by the coast. Do the kids just up sticks & change school ?
He really is showing no responsibility for anything, because some junior colleague didn't speak to him correctly & he couldn't wait for his boss to sort out the guy. & now its all about his ego.
If he is not working, if he is not helping at home, if he is not being supportive & being your husband, if he is not even living with you, if he runs off to Mummy when you don't take it lying down like a carpet
You can't call this a marriage. He has left you in the Shit,
Again

want my marriage to work and for my husband to suck up the fact that no one loves working all the time, we all grin and bear it from time to time.
I want him to take on an equal share of the housework and childcare and I go back to work full time, he will need to work too as I would not earn enough to sustain the lifestyle he wants to have, I could cover the essential bills though.

The problem with this is that you can't make a marriage work all by yourself. He has to want it to work and be willing to work with you to make that happen.

The other stuff is about you wanting him to change. You can't control someone else's behaviour. He will only change if he wants to and is committed to taking steps to change.

So basically what I'm saying is that what you want might not be possible, because it's not things that you personally can fix. You've been bending over backwards and doing all the compromising in an attempt to make it work, but it still isn't working.

Just a few comments, @Ungratefulwiife.

• Yes, ADs take a while to kick in.

• Get a solicitor to look at the fine print re: the EA agent charges and dispute them if warranted. I suspect they are trying it on. You don't have to fork over money just because a service provider tells you you have to.

• You need to figure out why you came out of your last therapy course with the understanding that you should support your H.

• You need to figure out why you are still putting your chances of happiness so squarely in the hands of a man who is a chaos maker and depending so much on a complete change of attitude and behaviour on his part.

• You need to give a lot of thought to what your biggest fears are. Please think really deeply about your fears. List them.

I suggest that one fear is causing people to get angry with you, which is associated with other fears - rejection, being judged.
If this is the case, those fears will paralyse you. You won't be able to make decisions. You won't be able to make someone pay attention to your needs. You will expend all your energy and time trying to keep someone on side.

I know you said you want to keep the family together but you've bent over backwards for him. What does he do for you ?
If you stay , you'll have this drama for ever.
You want him to step up at home , he won't.
Sorry

We spoke properly today for the first time since he went to his mum's.
It's over. He has formally quit his job now and cannot see why this bothers me.
Apparently I am unsupportive and only see him as a meal ticket.

I am not going to come back to this thread. Sorry. It makes me feel sick how things have changed in one week. Ten days ago I was planning colour schemes and booking removal vans. I can't believe how quickly this has unravelled.

I know you said you're not coming back OP but so sorry to read how this has turned out. He's an irresponsible prick and you deserve better

I am so sorry that he refuses the service or recognise the truth.

We are here if you need us. Perhaps a new thread just having support to deal with the suddenness and the end of such a long relationship.

Wishing you all the best OP. I hope you have all the support you need IRL.

I'm so sorry, @ungratefulwife. It's a pretty painful realisation that the person who is supposed to love you is both selfish and cruel. I hope you can find the resourcefulness to carve a path onward that doesn't put his whims at the forefront but, instead, creates a more stable, less anxiety ridden life for you and your dc.

I'm so sorry it turned out this way, OP.

I'm sorry, look after yourself. He's a selfish nobber.

I'm sorry that this is the outcome. He's an idiot.

I'm so sorry to see your last update. You must be in complete and utter shock. It's quite incomprehensible reading how quickly things have escalated, it must be impossible to get your head around. I hope you have good friends and family you can turn to. Wishing you all the best for the future.

I am so sorry op. It will take time but you will be a stronger person for this and better off as well in the long run not worrying about that man child. I wish you all the best x

He has failed to make his adult contract with the world, or with you, which must hurt. Sending best wishes @Ungratefulwiife.