He has just quit his job...

[Ungratefulwiife]

And we are supposed to exchange on our new house next week

I have posted before about my DH (a search shows it was back in 2015 - things really don't change, do they?) and his job. He is/was a high earner. Always hated his job, has done for the 18 years (and 4 different jobs) I have known him.

He changed career slightly a couple of years ago and things settled down a bit (he is still a workaholic) but he has just come down from working to inform me that he has handed his notice in and we now cannot move (because we won't get our mortgage and he is the main earner).

I have sent him out for a walk to calm the fuck down. His boss has rung and asked me WTF is going on - he hasn't accepted the resignation yet but he can't exactly force DH to keep his job.

There is a background to this, he has always threatened to quit his job "next year" - in fact I will link to my ancient thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2509489-Should-I-be-more-supportive

We now have 2 DC - 5&3

I have bent over backwards to support him and his career. He has always made it difficult for me to work - I have done every drop off and collection, always taken leave for sickness, even now I work evenings and weekends so he can have a clear 9hr day to work (we are both WFH) whilst I homeschool DS. He has never supported me working and several times he has asked me to be a SAHM. I work PT, 24hrs a week, but even FT I couldn't afford the new house.

What have I got in return? This. What angers me is that he has waited until the worst possible time to do it - it has taken almost a year to get to this point in the selling/buying process and we are in a chain of 6 houses (we are in the middle) which will now collapse.

I was in a bit of shock when he told me and so I informed him that he will be the one making all the calls - I shall have nothing further to do with it. He could be doing that now.

I have tried over the years to get him to seek help for what I believe to be MH issues but he refuses to. He won't speak to anyone.

Before Christmas he was overloaded with work but point blank refused to say so to his boss because it is a sign of "weakness".

Last night he was complaining about being underpaid (he took a massive pay cut for this job in the misguided notion it would mean less hours - the reality is, he is a workaholic, if there is work to do he will stay at his desk until it is done, all night if he has to. Unfortunately it is one of those jobs where you can always do more). I did not expect this, not today.

I don't even know why I am posting this, it's not like anyone can help. I am so angry.

Please please please take a minute to asses what you want, what is best for you and your children! stop pandering to his every whim because he wants to be a big man to the outside world. You deserve so much more than to be an onlooker to your own life, if you can cover the bills and don't want to move then send him on his way with the savings! he's got very used to having all the say, and that isn't fair on you.

The mortgage would be £250k we would still have about £75k in "rainy day" savings (because there are always storm clouds on the horizon in our house). Which is less than 1.5x our combined basic salaries and about 20% LTV.

I do not think we are overstretching ourselves, the mortgage payment is about £1k a month. He brings (brought?)in about £7k a month and me about £2k.

It sounds like he is really struggling.

wish it was only on mumsnet that a man suffering from a mental health breakdown owing to a stressful job that supports his family is considered an 'arsehole' and a 'prick'.

@thedancingbear This is not new behaviour for OP's husband, he acts like it or talks like it a lot of the time and has for years. Consider the impact of living this way and his current choice on her. What a way to live. Her happiness, wellbeing and mental health are just as important as his.

Yes, tolerate this if there hasn't been any b.s. before but no-one should have to put up with this behaviour from their spouse for years.

I sympathise. I’m in a similar position where I feel that I have been supportive as I can to DP but we’re at a point now where I feel it’s not support it’s enabling. He’s not taking the necessary steps to change the circumstances and therefore he’s making the choice this is how our lives are going to be. This is our normal.

Problem with that is I’m not capable of shouldering everything I have been in the name of relieving his burden long term. I can provide breathing space but this isn’t a long term solution just because he doesn’t want to actively address his problems.

It’s really hard but the realisation this is it does help you to at the very least detach and look to longer term solutions that work for you.

I think he's depressed due to chronic stress but probably puts a lot of the pressure on himself. The only way this will get better is if he gets help, be that antidepressants, counseling or both. Otherwise, the cycle will continue.

@MumUndone

I think he's depressed due to chronic stress but probably puts a lot of the pressure on himself. The only way this will get better is if he gets help, be that antidepressants, counseling or both. Otherwise, the cycle will continue.

This sounds likely but only the OP’s DH can engage with those solutions. We’re talking years of this kind of cycle; at what point do you say enough is enough?

4 stressful jobs, a house which he doesn't think is suitable for someone of his status and a family who have bent to his will for years.

Not entirely sure what else the OP is meant to do.

If you have a mortgage then you will need to notify them I think, unfortunately I doubt you will be exchanging on the house if he is now unemployed.

I don't think they will lend to you now, and if he were to restart a new job it will be six months of probation etc before anyone will lend (or at least it is very rare).

I think he needs to have a long hard think about his priorities, seek some help for workaholic tendacies / stress and talk to his boss calmly about the situation.

Sorry for what you are going through.

I have been there myself - moving from one job to another, wanting to move house as I hated the one I was in etc. But really it wasn't the job or the house particularly, it was my poor mental health.

@Ungratefulwiife

If we are going to split up I would rather stay in this house and not uproot the children.

I might suggest he signs the house over to me (we have no mortgage at present) and he can take the savings and fuck off.

I can just about afford the bills here on my salary (I earn £32k part time, it would be about £46k full time but I don't think I would get FT hours at the moment).

I have a feeling you might have provided your own answer there. If you can get him to go along with it. Do this.

Take solicitor's advice too though.

What an arse your DH sounds!! I would be furious.

This man will never be happy tbh.

I'd look at getting a full time job so you that you have some independence and stability for yourself.

He's choosing not to address his problems, he's choosing to land you with all the consequences and none of the choices. That's not partnership I'd be rid of him, focus on the DC

I am so sorry.

I was in a bit of shock when he told me and so I informed him that he will be the one making all the calls - I shall have nothing further to do with it. He could be doing that now.

That was absolutely the right thing to do. It's not just a result of shock, it's the right approach. Without realising it, by "supporting" his work you have been enabling his continuing irrational and erratic behaviour. You need to start putting up some boundaries. The house move is going to fall through if he leaves his job, that is a given. And so yes, that is his decision to make. Job and house or no job and no move. You cannot solve this for him.

You also cannot continue to sacrifice your own earning power and career potential to someone so unreliable. You need to get your own income and yourt own career back on track.

I don't think he will be happy if we don't move - he professes his hatred for this house every day.

Oh, he will start to miss this house as soon as you move. Really, don't bother. I know people like him, I'm related to some of them.

He equates having a big house with success. He says he feels like a student living in our shitty little house.

He is looking for some reason why he feels bad and for some change that make him feel better. He will always find something to explain it, the wrong job, the wrong house, the wrong location (maybe later on the wrong woman) But it's not the real source of his dissatisfaction so the change wont make him any happier. He will just find something else to stress and to misery about. It's who he is.

It's possible that somewhere inside he knows the move wont help and he got cold feet and left the job to sabotage the move - and to get you to step in and look after him yet again.

Definitely don't move op - if you like where you are then stay there. And he should go off sick at least for a few weeks to give you some breathing space rather than just chucking the job in!

It doesn't look like he'll ever change - some people are just like this with their jobs. My H is similar- but he's clear he has to bring in enough to cover half our bills. Other than that he can do whatever job he wants.

I'd definitely reevaluate what you and the kids get out of this relationship.

Personally, he would have 3 choices:

1: he goes in to work tomorrow and sorts it out, taking his job back

2: he goes to a private doctor now and sorts out whatever is going on, inpatient if necessary

3: he’s out of the house and divorce proceedings en route

He doesn’t get to treat his family like this or disrespect you

@BubblyBarbara

we now cannot move (because we won't get our mortgage and he is the main earner).

I wouldn't be moving under these circumstances, but technically you still could. If you're exchanging next week, the mortgage should already be in place and all the solicitors have to do is push some buttons. There is no legal obligation to tell anyone he's changing jobs.

Actually this is incorrect. The lender's mortgage offer will include the legal requirement that they are notified should there be material changes and quitting a job is a material change. There are lenders who will consider applications from someone on the first day in a new job but it depends on a number of criteria and would potentially require a new mortgage application.

Is there something wrong with your ability to read the years of context provided that show this is not an isolated incident or a breakdown?

That it is not an isolated incident in no way means this is not a mental health issue. The years of context support, from my PoV, this being (another) breakdown. Does that mean op's DH has acted reasonably or that op has no grounds for anger, worry, feeling let down and betrayed, being exhausted by the whole thing? Of course not. But nothing about the years of context appear to me to rule out op's DH having a mental health issue which is impacting significantly on him and his family.

It has been years of this. Years.
He has always hated every job he has had - I have listened to him complain for 18years (and we worked together at the beginning and so I know some of his complaints are of his own doing).
He has threatened every few months to quit, he hasn't before now. Then if I raised it a week or so later he would almost laugh at me and say it is ridiculous, of course he wouldn't quit.
I have tried to help him, he has had sabbaticals, time off when he took redundancy, I even bought him a session with a life coach but he refused to go.
I have spent hours of my life listening to him complain. Hours of him rejecting any suggestions I make.
I can't help him.

OP, I hear you, it was his idea with the bigger house, he didn't support with getting a proper job, but you probably have zero clue how it feels like to have 3 dependants, being a main breadwinner and hate his job. Yes, he is allowed to hate more than one job, it is entirely possible he hates the industry. The prospect even more responsibilities just tipped him over the edge. Have you seen Falling down with Mike Douglas? It might be a good thing he found the courage to stop the house move now and quit his job.
However frustrating the situation is, if it was my husband I would encourage him to take 6 months off and relax before he starts considering different jobs

Wow op sounds like he just had enough and made a rash decision but he could still get his job back, however saying he can just fuck off shows how little you really care about what he is going though, also being on such a huge salary means they his job would be extremely high pressure and everyone cracks eventually

Think of this as a positive.

You’re not now buying a house that you were ambivalent about, is away from your support network and I’m going to bet my last £ makes your life more difficult in terms of childcarw/commute.

Now that is not happening you can leave him. You’ll have a home and savings and still have a PT job. Five years from now, if you stay i’ll guarantee you’ll have given up work to further support his endeavours and you’ll find yourself in a very precarious position.

@Iwonder8 I always reference falling down to DH and say that one day that's what he is going to do (half joking, half hoping he will get some help).
Btw he has had one block of 3 months off in 2014 and 4 months off in 2018 to "reflect" and nothing changed.

But nothing about the years of context appear to me to rule out op's DH having a mental health issue which is impacting significantly on him and his family.

@unmarkedbythat No, but there are limits to what a spouse should put up with, for instance the years of duration. People have a right to a tolerable life. The children will probably also be aware of their dad's moods to some extent, though they won't say anything about it as they think this is normal. But his moods won't be good for them.

Support a spouse through mental health stuff to an extent, but there are limits to what someone should have to endure from their partner. OP is a person with needs too.

He sounds unhappy and unwell. Shit thing to do no doubt.