He has just quit his job...

[Ungratefulwiife]

And we are supposed to exchange on our new house next week

I have posted before about my DH (a search shows it was back in 2015 - things really don't change, do they?) and his job. He is/was a high earner. Always hated his job, has done for the 18 years (and 4 different jobs) I have known him.

He changed career slightly a couple of years ago and things settled down a bit (he is still a workaholic) but he has just come down from working to inform me that he has handed his notice in and we now cannot move (because we won't get our mortgage and he is the main earner).

I have sent him out for a walk to calm the fuck down. His boss has rung and asked me WTF is going on - he hasn't accepted the resignation yet but he can't exactly force DH to keep his job.

There is a background to this, he has always threatened to quit his job "next year" - in fact I will link to my ancient thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2509489-Should-I-be-more-supportive

We now have 2 DC - 5&3

I have bent over backwards to support him and his career. He has always made it difficult for me to work - I have done every drop off and collection, always taken leave for sickness, even now I work evenings and weekends so he can have a clear 9hr day to work (we are both WFH) whilst I homeschool DS. He has never supported me working and several times he has asked me to be a SAHM. I work PT, 24hrs a week, but even FT I couldn't afford the new house.

What have I got in return? This. What angers me is that he has waited until the worst possible time to do it - it has taken almost a year to get to this point in the selling/buying process and we are in a chain of 6 houses (we are in the middle) which will now collapse.

I was in a bit of shock when he told me and so I informed him that he will be the one making all the calls - I shall have nothing further to do with it. He could be doing that now.

I have tried over the years to get him to seek help for what I believe to be MH issues but he refuses to. He won't speak to anyone.

Before Christmas he was overloaded with work but point blank refused to say so to his boss because it is a sign of "weakness".

Last night he was complaining about being underpaid (he took a massive pay cut for this job in the misguided notion it would mean less hours - the reality is, he is a workaholic, if there is work to do he will stay at his desk until it is done, all night if he has to. Unfortunately it is one of those jobs where you can always do more). I did not expect this, not today.

I don't even know why I am posting this, it's not like anyone can help. I am so angry.

{{{hugs}}} @Ungratefulwiife.

I’m sorry OP.

He has pulled the rug from under your marriage.

As you move on I wish you strength to blossom and be there and present for your kids (as he seems not able to be for you or them).

I’m sorry to read that. I hope you can surround yourself with family/friends (as much as you can in these times). It must feel like a huge shock, but this might be the start where your life becomes your own again.

@TheGracefulwhale

So slightly different but my DH was working long hours in a management position. He kept mentioning he didn't feel it was long term but I didn't take it in and dismissed it. Then covid hit and he essentially broke down. Said he hated it, the pressure, the employers, the attitudes of the staff, everything. Long story short, he quit, took a 12k paycut (considering he wasn't a high earner, 30k) and took a job closer to home, less hours, less responsibility etc. The change in my husband was worth so so much more than anything that tied us to that salary. Yes, we don't have as much disposable income, but the change in him has meant we decided to have another Child (dd is now 5 days old!) and really reevaluate our lives.

If you can look past the suddenness of it all, it may be what your dh needs to do. Obviously the house move is a shitter, but I would see it as not meant to be.
Would you rather a depressed (or possibly worse) husband and a new house or to stay put and have a laugh every day?

Do you manage on the lower salary? Did you have to take a job to make it up?

Glad he is happier though

@Ungratefulwiife so sorry to hear this. I hope that you manage to get some rest in the coming days. At least you haven’t moved and further disrupted things for you and the kids.

We are all here for you. xxx Feel free to come back whenever to update at some point, or start a new thread. We all care how you're doing. xx

His idea of suing the estate agent was yet more proof that he's emotionally unstable and makes your life far more difficult than it needs to be.

I feel a few of these responses are harsh. I gather it's gone on a long time and I've not read the old thread however just a different point of view here. I see you said he brought home £7k a month... I think it's fair to assume that he's in a professional, high up position which is probably very stressful and he's probably had to work hard to get to. I personally in the last 18 months have come close to several breakdowns including lying in partner and mothers arms wailing hysterically and them both begging me to quit my job rather than see me like that. The strain that kind of job pressure puts on you and your mental health, and then add in the fact you feel like a failure for feeling the way you do, failed at your job, not good enough, what will people say if you quit and do something else, how will you pay the bills how will I look at myself in the mirror and know that I failed. I know I set ridiculous expectations for myself and sounds like your husband is the same, having to finish all his work etc. Maybe he feels like a failure and feels like he has to constantly prove himself. I definitely think it's more of a breakdown and personally the only thing that's kept me quite frankly alive, is having a partner who supports me and tells me that if I quit and work in tesco he won't leave me, we won't die and starve and he'd rather have the old me snd happy me than any money. We also moved house recently and that made things 100x worse for me - if we do this and move I can't quit cause we can't afford the house etc. It sounds like it's a lot of pressure on him tbh

It's over. He has formally quit his job now and cannot see why this bothers me

I'm very sorry, OP, but sadly not surprised; I think you know yourself that you've already put up with far too much from him, and hopefully you'll be able to move forwards to a much better future

I wish you only the very best with it

Really? That's what you put as a reply to this poor woman whose life has just fallen apart around her?
Jeepers I hope the OP doesn't come back and see your comment.

OP good luck, so sorry it's turned out this way

That was to stranger comment

Sorry op

@Ungratefulwiife - sorry to see this update. Make use of your real life support as much as you can in these times, and start to build a life for you and the kids.

Plus, reading this Last time I had counselling I came out of it feeling resolved to support DH, almost like it was my duty to do so = I reckon you need a new counsellor. Look after yourself and take help when it is offered.

So sorry to see your update.

He really is choosing chaos over stability, and his motivation is to show his lack of regard for what that does to you.

exploringyourmind.com/chaos-narcissists-disorder-favors-narcissists/

I’m so sorry OP, his meal ticket comment must have felt like a kick in the teeth after all you have done. I hope you have some support, and I agree a new counsellor should be considered. Please come back if you need a place to vent or just need a virtual shoulder to cry on

Sorry to read your update.

Sorry op, that's dreadful. I don't think you could ever get it 'right' with some like him though op - he has to have everything his way and if you don't give way every single time and offer 100% approval, he flounces. That's no life for you and ultimately, there could be a happier future for you without him.

I'm so sorry OP, it must be a horrendous shock to you. Make sure you lean on family and friends as much as you can.

I know it doesn't feel like it today, next week or possibly even 6 months from now ... but you're free now. You're free. You'll understand that in time and look back and be grateful for this day.

Do not take him back.

This is your chance OP, you have the opportunity to make a secure life for you and the kids without having to worry about his next tantrum. This is your chance.

Hope you're ok OP. I came on to say that now he's formally resigned he won't have access to the counseling through work either, so he's swerved that too. You have a job and a home OP, as well as friends and family. It's a good base from which to rebuild your life. You're not an ungrateful wife, by the way.

I know you said you weren't coming back but just in case you do, I hope you are OK. You didn't cause this and sadly you can't fix him

I sympathise. My DP is the same - a high earning workaholic who often threatens to change jobs or hand in his notice. I have said I would support him in doing either - but in particular he has this notion that if he earned less he would work less (we could afford for him to earn 1/2 what he does), but the point is that he wouldn’t work less, he’d just get paid less and it would be a total bust. I told him to sort out his issues with regard to work first and then see how he feels. He’s seeing a therapist now but the threats continue. It’s very unnerving, but fortunately we got through the house purchase and with some rejigging I can probably take the mortgage on myself in a few years if I have to. Sending

ZOMBIE THREAD.