Jilly Coopr character Lockdown competition thread

[BalloonSlayer]

The most successful thread I ever started was about wanting to be a Jilly Cooper character.

Since lockdown, this has started to feel more achievable. See my scores below:

• Cut my own fringe: 3 points (scissors hadn't just been used to cut bacon first, deduct one point)

• car is Absolutely Filthy: 3 points (not a golf, mini or Porsche so as no other cars exist in Jillyworld, deduct one point.)

• "old trousers and a shrunk t shirt made her bum and boobs look huge," yeah whole three points for this one

• anthropomorphising my pets like crazy. No he wasn't showing how much he loves you, he wanted his dinner! 3 points.

• Smell of wild garlic making me miss going out to restaurants : 3 points. (Not sure if that is wild garlic or something else actually, deduct one point.)

So that's 12/15 for me. How is everyone else doing?

Cut my own fringe:

Trimmed my split ends with scissors used for trimming dog - does that get a point?

• car is Absolutely Filthy:

Yes - someone wrote 'clean me' on it in the dirt recently.

• "old trousers and a shrunk t shirt made her bum and boobs look huge,"

Well, more boobs and tummy in my case but basically the same.

• anthropomorphising my pets like crazy.

Oh, yes. Talking to them all day!

• Smell of wild garlic making me miss going out to restaurants : Haven't had the pleasure of smelling wild garlic but keep dreaming of restaurants past.

Think I scrape 10 points!

We need to try to be more Jilly, @Pelleas

I intend to drink whisky out of teacups later, see if it tastes better.

Has your dog put his paws on the table and sucked in an entire chocolate cake yet?

Ooh, I've got a bottle of red wine - I could drink it out of a cup!

We have recently had the "First of May...."

I always wash my hair to get the garden out from under my nails

And where I am, as usual it did rain!

and I look slightly grubby and wanton lies

bloody did do rain...and hail

I did think about that in 1st May. Perhaps we will have to start that now the weather has warmed up.

Perhaps I better bring out the bikini top held together with a safety pin which gives out at the right moment.

Does your muck bucket of a handbag have the dregs of a bottle of scent in that you can slosh between your boobs if you get lucky?!

Have you been getting mildly tight on quadruple whiskeys with masses of water?

Have you only eaten grapefruit for 10 days so that you’ve lost 9 pounds?

Have you painted your fingernails because it’s easier than cleaning them?

You could always arrange a game of nude tennis (maintaining appropriate social distancing of course!).

Appuskidu...either that or hold out your skirt and spray 'your bush'

OK I'll confess I have never read a Jilly Cooper but this thread has piqued my curiosity. Which one should I start with please?

I have been caught unawares and didn’t have time to wash my hair or shave my armpits, which are emanating a sort of sexy herby animal scent.

or apply a bit of Man Tan (and a bucket of Fracas)

@AndNoneForGretchenWieners

Riders!

If only Rupert Campbell Black would jump over my wall in his jods , rip his shirt open and do what RCB does best :) - never mind DP sitting on the sofa watching tv lol

Got any Fernet Branca in, OP?

Oh, and you’ll be needing a Fernet Branca for your hangover. It’ll be like a horror movie in reverse!

Oh yes, the compulsory Jilly diet in case you have a "huge bulk" of 11 stone. Diet pills and ex lax isn't it usually?

ItsABitOf...if I did that my hair would smell like elderly sheep and armpits 100% rank

Gretchen I'd start with the first one, Riders, and read them all in order. But Rivals is the one I enjoy the most.

Gretchen, start at the beginning, with “Emily”. If you want a bonkbuster, Rivals is the best.

Riders then Rivals

I'm re-reading the latter again for hundredth time since I first bought it in 1988