WWYD if your husband expected you to accept him having a mistress?

[K00kie]

I probably should post it in the Relationships section, but I genuinely need a WWYD feedback.

Context: my husband of 20 years, who has always been faithful and trustworthy (and so have I) informed me the other day that he slept with a friend of ours - or rather a woman who claimed to be our friend, stayed at our house, played with our three children, and was shown nothing but kindness and hospitality by me; in fact they slept among the sheets I provided for her rented flat, including my breastfeeding pillow.

She's an active alcoholic. The night together happened when, at the request of her parents, who are in the US, he went to check on her when she was dead drunk. She invited him to bed because 'she was depressed and lonely', and he went with it because he'd fancied her for some time. He was sober.

I know it all from him, as he told me about it straightaway, honest as he is. He says he doesn't even consider leaving us because he still loves us (he's always been a devoted dad). BUT he doesn't intend to stop the affair, because he's infatuated by her, and finds her exciting because - now that's worrying - she is very sexy when she's drunk, he finds her helplessess endearing, and she's very loud during sex, which he realised is a big turn-on. They work together on a 2-year project, so he'll be in touch with her anyway.

He feels he's entitled to an affair because he's been faithful to me for 20 years, everybody around him has affairs, and anyway in France (where we have some family) it's a norm, men have mistresses and wives accept it. And he wasn't getting enough sex recently in our marriage anyway (it's true, I may explain the reasons if anyone wants to know - nothing sordid). He also thinks the affair is OK because he's not cheating - with me knowing about it.

Bastard. I've lost much of my respect for him, and there hasn't been much overt affection between us recently. However, we still agree on a lot of important things in life, make a good team raising our kids, and have a lot of common interests.

Now, if we didn't have kids, that would be the end of us there and then. But we have three kids aged 11, 9 and 5; our eldest daughter is on the mild end of autistic spectrum, which means stability is very important for her, especially now that she's entering puberty and starting senior school. We've had a stable, comfortable life, happy kids with both of us involved in their lives - generally a good life. The kids really don't deserve all that taken away from them because their twat of a dad is going through a bad case of mid-life crisis and started thinking with his dick instead of brain.

Now, I think would be willing to tolerate his affair and even keep it a secret from family and friends on a few conditions (break any of these and I'm filing for divorce):

1. No sex between us while his fling lasts. Unlike the slut, I can't bring myself to having sex with a guy who's in a relationship with another woman.

1. He keeps her and our family completely separate and the affair doesn't impact negatively on our family life - I don't ever want to see the bitch, and I don't want our kids to ever see her either. He can go to her after the kids are in bed.

1. He keeps being honest about the affair and about his plans for the future if I ask any questions.

1. He doesn't get the bitch pregnant. The idiot had unprotected sex with her because she told him she was on the pill. She's had two abortions already after her previous flings.

So I put up with the affair on these conditions, and in return I get stability, financial security (he's the main earner as I work part-time, so we still keep joint bank accounts), kids get to spend time with their dad, we go on holidays together as a family. Nothing changes apart from who he sleeps with. As for myself, at the moment any thought of sex - with him or anyone else - seems just completely off.

So, WWYD? Could you live with it? How much can you tolerate to save the family? Am I pragmatic and sensible - thank god for my mental strength - or am I allowing myself to be taken advantage of?

Any opinions will be much appreciated.

Well, as your husband is a rapist I'd leave him if I were you

I couldnt.

I'd be disgusted at him for taking advantage of a vulnerable woman who was "dead drunk".

Get rid of him.

No. Way.

It will rot you from the inside out, or at least it would me. You deserve better.

Sexy when drunk?

Doesn't argue. Does what he wants. Lies still while he fucks her.

OMFG.

Get away from him. There's plenty of nice blokes knocking around. This guy isn't for you.

She's a slut and a bitch?

Nah, that's not how it works I'm afraid.

Your husband is a rapist.

I'd divorce him. He's a cunt and an abuser. Why the fuck would anyone want to stay married to that piece of shit?

A whole lot of anger towards her there but nothing really towards your twat of a husband that freely admits taking advantage of a dead drunk woman a turn on.

Rapist ChicRock? Really? Sounds like the woman in question was drug but more than consenting.

OP, this is never going to work. I think you know this too. How he could even consider you'd be okay with it is mindblowing.

Even if he consented to giving up this woman, things will never be the same.

Your marriage sounds dead in the water to me. I'm sorry.

File for divorce on Tuesday.

Drunk, not drug. Seems a few of you seem to consider him a rapist? I don't get it. Look, I get the consent issue, if you're to drunk to consent it's rape, but this woman propositioned him and seems happy to continue seeing him. So pray tell, how is this rape?

Sordid and wrong, yes. Rape, no.

Reborn he likes this woman to be "dead drunk" to have sex with her - vulnerable and unable to really give informed consent.

He's a filthy rapist.

I couldn't respect him ever again for taking advantage of someone so vulnerable. I wouldn't trust him not to break my conditions either. So no for me it would be a deal breaker.

If you're going to go down that route you could get a post nup in place so that you are financially protected and could keep everything stable for the dcs if when it all went sour.

eeeooow. If you're absolutely determined to keep stability for your eldest then instead of selling up and dividing assets in two, get a small flat somewhere and hotnest. divide up the responsibility
YOu have half the week child free.

He sounds like an arsehole. He thinks he has you over a barrel and he's going to capitalise on that. Also, I'm suspicious that the other woman isn't deciding to sleep with him when she's sober. All pretty shabby.

You get the "consent issue"? How noble of you.

It's very simple; if she's too drunk to consent, if she's too drunk to be in her right mind, and he's stone cold sober, that makes him a rapist whether you agree with it or not.

Tell him to fuck off. So what if he's 'being honest' .. really, so that makes it ok somehow?

And she's 'the bitch' - you're joking right? He slept with her when she was so drunk she couldn't meaningfully consent to anything. She's very vulnerable and by the sound of it has mental health issues, and he's taking advantage. You're colluding with this why?

You are worth so much more than this. I can see he/you have rationalised this in your head so you think it makes some kind of warped sense. But it doesn't. He's disrespecting you in the worst way, and if you let him do this to you, you will lose all respect for yourself too.

And can you imagine how messy this is going to get when she doesn't stay in that tidy box you both seem to have assigned her - drunk bitch who he's just going to screw without it affecting your life at all. I can guarantee it won't work that way. Do you really want her near your kids? Because this is where it will end up.

He's a massive jerk. This is not OK. You need to get rid.

He hasn't kept to his vows to you so why would you think his word means anything now?
He has risked your mental and sexual health. .
He isn't a good df to have treated the dc dm this way.
The best you can do for your dc is see a solicitor and get financial stability for you and them. . And put his stuff in the garden.

Taking advantage of a depressed alcoholic woman who sounds as if she's already had a crap time in life and is desperate, lonely and vulnerable is why I consider him an abuser.

If drunk sex meant rape the prisons would be bursting. It sounds horrible. How do you imagine you will feel sitting at home knowing he is having sex with this woman. There is no point directing your anger at her it's him who has betrayed you. I would tell him to leave see how he likes living with an alcoholic he is only doing this because he thinks you will accept it. Please don't go along with it.

I don't agree, sorry. I don't believe this woman to be as vulnerable as you all do. Particularly as she seems happy to continue with the affair. She works too, OP? With your husband? So a functioning alcoholic? Therefore not as helpless as some seem to think.

He's a pig though, of that I'm sure.

Tell you what, you ring the police and tell them what he's done. Then you'll find out if it's rape or not.

Walter, seriously, do one. No need for your self righteous attitude. I'm entitled to an opinion as much as the next person here.

Where from that OP do you get she was too drunk to consent? She fucking asked him to bed!

Had sex with a drunk woman who was 'helpless'.

Fuck the rest of the story. He raped her, or at the very, very least he abused her. Do you want your daughters brought up by a man who believes it is OK to have sex with someone drunk and helpless.

Imagine your daughter or a friend tells you a story about when they were drunk and vulnerable and a man had sex with them!

I couldn't stay with this man. Can you not find a way to make the adjustment easier for kids eg live locally in flat, and has frequent contact. Wouldn't you be miserable waving him off every night to have sex with another woman. Surely it is not worth financial stability.
I'm so sorry you have been put in this position.

"Now, if we didn't have kids, that would be the end of us there and then. But we have three kids aged 11, 9 and 5; our eldest daughter is on the mild end of autistic spectrum, which means stability is very important for her, especially now that she's entering puberty and starting senior school. We've had a stable, comfortable life, happy kids with both of us involved in their lives - generally a good life"

Note the word had. Its not there anymore because of his actions. Its already the end. He chose to do this of his own free will. Not all women, let alone French women, would accept an affair and really his whole idea is bullshit. It also smacks of he being entitled.

It is precisely because of the children that you should leave this individual. They cannot afford to learn such damaging lessons about relationships; by staying within this you are teaching them that a loveless marriage is their norm too. This whole idea of yours of "saving the family" is a complete nonsense and any arrangement especially on the lines of points 1-4 laid out with him will lead you into another whole new level of pain. Do you really want to sell yourself that short?.

Putting up with the affair is a huge error of judgment on your part and your children will not in the long term say thanks mum for staying with him either. They will call you weak and accuse you of putting him before them. They see your reactions both spoken and unspoken to him and worse still probably blame their own selves for their parents ongoing rows.