WWYD if your husband expected you to accept him having a mistress?

[K00kie]

I probably should post it in the Relationships section, but I genuinely need a WWYD feedback.

Context: my husband of 20 years, who has always been faithful and trustworthy (and so have I) informed me the other day that he slept with a friend of ours - or rather a woman who claimed to be our friend, stayed at our house, played with our three children, and was shown nothing but kindness and hospitality by me; in fact they slept among the sheets I provided for her rented flat, including my breastfeeding pillow.

She's an active alcoholic. The night together happened when, at the request of her parents, who are in the US, he went to check on her when she was dead drunk. She invited him to bed because 'she was depressed and lonely', and he went with it because he'd fancied her for some time. He was sober.

I know it all from him, as he told me about it straightaway, honest as he is. He says he doesn't even consider leaving us because he still loves us (he's always been a devoted dad). BUT he doesn't intend to stop the affair, because he's infatuated by her, and finds her exciting because - now that's worrying - she is very sexy when she's drunk, he finds her helplessess endearing, and she's very loud during sex, which he realised is a big turn-on. They work together on a 2-year project, so he'll be in touch with her anyway.

He feels he's entitled to an affair because he's been faithful to me for 20 years, everybody around him has affairs, and anyway in France (where we have some family) it's a norm, men have mistresses and wives accept it. And he wasn't getting enough sex recently in our marriage anyway (it's true, I may explain the reasons if anyone wants to know - nothing sordid). He also thinks the affair is OK because he's not cheating - with me knowing about it.

Bastard. I've lost much of my respect for him, and there hasn't been much overt affection between us recently. However, we still agree on a lot of important things in life, make a good team raising our kids, and have a lot of common interests.

Now, if we didn't have kids, that would be the end of us there and then. But we have three kids aged 11, 9 and 5; our eldest daughter is on the mild end of autistic spectrum, which means stability is very important for her, especially now that she's entering puberty and starting senior school. We've had a stable, comfortable life, happy kids with both of us involved in their lives - generally a good life. The kids really don't deserve all that taken away from them because their twat of a dad is going through a bad case of mid-life crisis and started thinking with his dick instead of brain.

Now, I think would be willing to tolerate his affair and even keep it a secret from family and friends on a few conditions (break any of these and I'm filing for divorce):

1. No sex between us while his fling lasts. Unlike the slut, I can't bring myself to having sex with a guy who's in a relationship with another woman.

1. He keeps her and our family completely separate and the affair doesn't impact negatively on our family life - I don't ever want to see the bitch, and I don't want our kids to ever see her either. He can go to her after the kids are in bed.

1. He keeps being honest about the affair and about his plans for the future if I ask any questions.

1. He doesn't get the bitch pregnant. The idiot had unprotected sex with her because she told him she was on the pill. She's had two abortions already after her previous flings.

So I put up with the affair on these conditions, and in return I get stability, financial security (he's the main earner as I work part-time, so we still keep joint bank accounts), kids get to spend time with their dad, we go on holidays together as a family. Nothing changes apart from who he sleeps with. As for myself, at the moment any thought of sex - with him or anyone else - seems just completely off.

So, WWYD? Could you live with it? How much can you tolerate to save the family? Am I pragmatic and sensible - thank god for my mental strength - or am I allowing myself to be taken advantage of?

Any opinions will be much appreciated.

I don't feel anything good can come from this set up. The children would indefinitely pick up on something and I wouldn't want them to think this is acceptable for a trusting relationship. Even if they didn't know what was going on immediately, they would no doubt find out when they are older and they will not react kindly to it.

I agree. While I think the OP seems to have gone off the agreement idea, I think it's unworkable with an unstable alcoholic.

OW hasn't observed moral boundaries thus far, she obviously doesn't have much self control. She doesn't give a shit about OP now, she's unlikely to do so in the future.

In that context the chances of the children finding out, her phoning in the middle of family meal, or turning up pissed at OP's house demanding to see her DH I'd say are fairly high. Quite apart from the stress involved in trying to cover everything up.

An ex-bf mine discovered his father's affair when he was 7 as he asked his mum 'who's the lady daddy's talking to on the phone?'. It's a terrible thing for a child to go through, and he felt partially implicated.

I don't think you can fully protect your children by pretending what is happening is not happening.

In OP's shoes I'd get a shit hot lawyer, demand DH left the family house to keep continuity for the children and shield them from the sordid details, while the divorce is thrashed out.

BTW OP, if you'd like to keep this thread going but put it somewhere more private on MN I can PM you a link.

You have 3 kids
Tell him the bill for the sex is going to be super high
Then send him off to the rented flat of a drunk

Maybe because he risks losing his own family, which would hit him big time and haunt him for the rest of his life, whereas she just selfishly ruins someone else's lives Oh so she forced him to put his dick in her? She sexually assaulted HIM then?

And back tracking on the dead drunk aspect op...not cool!!

Btw, she only drinks when she's by herself, she completely avoids alcohol when with people. So how the fuck do you know She is extremely lucid when very drunk, she knows what's she's doing. She doesn't act like someone incapable of consent?

different Discussing her drinking is getting tedious after 14 pages, but I guess you deserve some clarification.

She only starts drinking when she's by herself, never drinks when surrounded by people, even when there's alcohol around. I've seen her extremely drunk after a session of lonely drunking - she can barely move but she still makes sense when you talk to her.

She called my husband at 11pm one night mildly drunk to say that she feels lonely so could he see her, otherwise she'll keep drinking. By the time he got there she was extremely drunk and ten she asked him to come to bed.

Which doesn't change the fact that my still-husband is a twat and an immoral idiot, and that's why I will leave him eventually, but she's not a exactly a helpless victim here. Emotional blacmail comes to mind, especially that as it turns out she has fancied him since their meeting last November.

Hope that makes sense and explains my resentment here.

Discussing her drinking is only tedious because you can't understand who vulnerable it makes her. She can barely move when drunk, regardless of whether she can talk or not, that level of drunk does not = in control of herself. Would you let her drive a car when that drunk? No. But it is OK for your husband to fuck her? Sorry, you won't change my mind. The apologies for your dh's actions, both by you and others on this page are what's tedious.

Emotional blackmail? Really?

I don't think so. He should have stayed well clear if that was the case (which I don't think it was, given your dh's "like" of her being a "sexy" drunk and helpless) and that he has been infatuated with her since they met.

He just seems to have waited until she was drunk enough ...

I was going for LTB, just reading the title. But seriously, your husbands clear desire to have intercourse, whilst he is sober, with a woman who's level of alchohol consumption is so excessive she cannot consent, unfortunately makes your husband a rapist.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.
Do you have people IRL that you can turn to?

The affair is one thing, but I couldn't live with my oh if he calmly declared he wanted an affair with someone he works with. It's bad on a number of levels:

1. what if your kids/kids mates etc see your oh and the ow out together?
2. he clearly can't be trusted to use protection - he was sober, so expected the pitter patter of tiny feet if he decides to 'forget' again.
3. do you honestly want to have a sexless marriage until he gets bored of her, or finds that sleeping with someone who's that drunk isn't as sexy as he imagined.
4. what about diseases? What happens if he catches something, that can impact you and your kids.
5. is he wanting to support her lifestyle? Does he want to take her for meals out, holidays even?
6. he basically raped her. Doesn't matter how much of a good man/Dad he is. He raped someone, and for me that has earnt my very first LTB.

The point is that your husband should not have got into bed with her, no matter what she said! She was drunk, he is married. It is that simple. It should have been an awkward situation which he dealt with by saying no, making sure she was safe and then leaving, not getting into bed with her.

Where's the blackmail? What threat was he under if he refused? I agree it's a bit of a shitty thing to do to try and seduce a married person but, at the end of the day, she wasn't the one who made vows to you. He was. She hasn't broken any promises, ruined your family life, he has. Because he was the one with responsibility towards your family, not her.

That's regardless of ask the obvious vulnerability issues that he gets a kick out of preying on.

You know full well what to do. Your dd needs stability. Try and provide her with some healthy stability because there's not going to be anything healthy about staying with this abuser.

He's the one trying to emotionally blackmailing you.

Consider this: that he maybe has every intention of leaving you and your dc, to build a life with OW, or a succession of other girlfriends. But doesn't want to do it until he has all his financial ducks in a row. How many of your joint assets could he hide over the next few years? Could he restructure his job to become effectively self-employed, and thence able to massage his 'salary' figures down in favour of dividend payments which are initially overlooked for maintenance purposes? How much cash could he send offshore?

I truly, truly have seen it done. Divorce him NOW.

Mumsnut may not be wrong, you know. Most times MNers advise a betrayed wife to play the 'long game' by getting ducks in a row before taking any action. There is no reason why a man wouldn't think of doing the same thing.

If nothing else, you need to seek legal advise. And begin to document ALL finances/investments/debt/assets of any kind. You really don't know exactly what may happen. None of us do, really, and it behooves all of us to know exactly 'what' and 'where' everything is. In your case it's imperative that you know.

Knowledge is power.

Good point, even if he's not consciously doing it, every decision he makes from now on will be less focused on the family unit, less of a team decision and more with his eventually being single in mind.

What he's announced to you gives him the opportunity to disentangle himself at leisure without a court battle that could go against him..

Not sure if you are reading the posts OP, as you haven't responded to any. But I just wanted to say I understand why you'd want this arrangement. I personally don't think I could continue in it myself though. I'd be stewing knowing he's off having fun with another woman, whilst still claiming to be in a loving relationship with me. He wouldn't get the best of both world
However for the benefit of the children, family life, etc, I get why you are trying to make this work.

Could you not possibly keep the arrange, but slightly change it?
-You are no longer a couple, and both live a single life (but OW has to stay well clear).
-You continue as a family, living in the same house but in separate beds (tell your children that you are no longer in a relationship. Obviously reassure them nothing will change, especially for the benefit of your autistic daughter).

I strongly believe that if me and DH broke up we'd continue living in the same house as a family. We have discussed it in the past before when talking about when couples split up, and don't get to see their children as much as they used to.

I hope you're getting some kind of support IRL

Found myself recalling this thread last night OP, went out to supper with a friend with a particularly obnoxious barrister husband.

Hope things are going ok for you.