WWYD if your husband expected you to accept him having a mistress?

[K00kie]

I probably should post it in the Relationships section, but I genuinely need a WWYD feedback.

Context: my husband of 20 years, who has always been faithful and trustworthy (and so have I) informed me the other day that he slept with a friend of ours - or rather a woman who claimed to be our friend, stayed at our house, played with our three children, and was shown nothing but kindness and hospitality by me; in fact they slept among the sheets I provided for her rented flat, including my breastfeeding pillow.

She's an active alcoholic. The night together happened when, at the request of her parents, who are in the US, he went to check on her when she was dead drunk. She invited him to bed because 'she was depressed and lonely', and he went with it because he'd fancied her for some time. He was sober.

I know it all from him, as he told me about it straightaway, honest as he is. He says he doesn't even consider leaving us because he still loves us (he's always been a devoted dad). BUT he doesn't intend to stop the affair, because he's infatuated by her, and finds her exciting because - now that's worrying - she is very sexy when she's drunk, he finds her helplessess endearing, and she's very loud during sex, which he realised is a big turn-on. They work together on a 2-year project, so he'll be in touch with her anyway.

He feels he's entitled to an affair because he's been faithful to me for 20 years, everybody around him has affairs, and anyway in France (where we have some family) it's a norm, men have mistresses and wives accept it. And he wasn't getting enough sex recently in our marriage anyway (it's true, I may explain the reasons if anyone wants to know - nothing sordid). He also thinks the affair is OK because he's not cheating - with me knowing about it.

Bastard. I've lost much of my respect for him, and there hasn't been much overt affection between us recently. However, we still agree on a lot of important things in life, make a good team raising our kids, and have a lot of common interests.

Now, if we didn't have kids, that would be the end of us there and then. But we have three kids aged 11, 9 and 5; our eldest daughter is on the mild end of autistic spectrum, which means stability is very important for her, especially now that she's entering puberty and starting senior school. We've had a stable, comfortable life, happy kids with both of us involved in their lives - generally a good life. The kids really don't deserve all that taken away from them because their twat of a dad is going through a bad case of mid-life crisis and started thinking with his dick instead of brain.

Now, I think would be willing to tolerate his affair and even keep it a secret from family and friends on a few conditions (break any of these and I'm filing for divorce):

1. No sex between us while his fling lasts. Unlike the slut, I can't bring myself to having sex with a guy who's in a relationship with another woman.

1. He keeps her and our family completely separate and the affair doesn't impact negatively on our family life - I don't ever want to see the bitch, and I don't want our kids to ever see her either. He can go to her after the kids are in bed.

1. He keeps being honest about the affair and about his plans for the future if I ask any questions.

1. He doesn't get the bitch pregnant. The idiot had unprotected sex with her because she told him she was on the pill. She's had two abortions already after her previous flings.

So I put up with the affair on these conditions, and in return I get stability, financial security (he's the main earner as I work part-time, so we still keep joint bank accounts), kids get to spend time with their dad, we go on holidays together as a family. Nothing changes apart from who he sleeps with. As for myself, at the moment any thought of sex - with him or anyone else - seems just completely off.

So, WWYD? Could you live with it? How much can you tolerate to save the family? Am I pragmatic and sensible - thank god for my mental strength - or am I allowing myself to be taken advantage of?

Any opinions will be much appreciated.

I bet with that attitude he hasn't been faithful in the 20 years you've been together. It doesn't just come out of nowhere. He's now shitting where he eats and probably thinks it makes okay if he's open about it.

The genie is out of the bottle. Stability is gone now. I'm sure your children will pick up on the inevitable toxic environment you're both going to create, which will be just as damaging.

I agree that your husband has commitment sexual assault. He was sober, she was not. She would have reasonable justification to go to the Police and it would be investigated.

I can't believe any self respecting person even has to ask WWYD.
He's an arsehole of the highest order and you might as well tattoo mug on your forehead if you put up with it.

What would I do?

I'd kick him out, find a good solicitor and divorce the creepy bastard. I realise that stability for your DD is important, but when the kids find out what's going on - and they will, mark my words - they will lose all respect for the Father (for being a lying, two faced twat) and for you (for putting up with it).

If your DD was in this situation and ringing you to ask if she should turn a blind eye, would you be telling her to think of the money and hang on? Of course not. Where's your self-respect?

This is absolutely appalling. He is treating you like a complete fool. If you have any self respect please leave. I know you have children and financial security to consider, but my God, it's a high price to pay for that. And just because they do it France...? Wtf? If he genuinely loved and respected you he wouldn't put you in this terrible position. It sounds like he needs taking down quite a few (hundred) pegs.

He is putting his pathetic schoolboy infatuation higher on his list of priorities than his marriage, his children, and the happiness and security of all of you. He is a selfish selfish immature wanker and his reasoning is laughable. I don't know ANY women who would put up with this appalling treatment.

She was drunk enough for her own parents to think she needed a welfare check!

Hang on, so you're saying he can go off and have his affair and you won't have sex with him while he does, but then you'll continue when it's finished?

Seriously, OP, you are insane to think this would work. He sounds very strange to me, the way he's told you as though you might be interested.

Your marriage isn't going to last now. If all goes swimmingly with this affair, why shouldn't he have another when this one is over?

It's time for him to move out, I think. Let's see how far he gets having an affair with an alcoholic.

He is abusing a vulnerable woman. Get him out.

I don't believe this woman to be as vulnerable as you all do. Particularly as she seems happy to continue with the affair.

Do you have any idea of what vulnerable means?

Don't want to out myself but in my previous career I have actually seen someone convicted of rape in a similar situation. Got 5 years. Parole after 2.5. Sex offenders register for 7 years. Wife and kids at home.

This is a good video on consent.

Oh and you're crediting your husband for his honesty, but calling the alcoholic with possible MH problems a 'bitch'?

I'm not suggesting you should be rolling out the red carpet for her, but she was pissed and offered herself to your H - who was sober, married and could have said. Save your opprobrium for your husband, who clearly sees no issue with shagging someone who is so drunk they need a welfare check. Did the Ched Evans case completely pass him by?

*could have said no.

Unfortunately you only have to look at this thread to see that Ched Evans sympathisers are still an epidemic.

Read page one and thats enough for me. There is a name for a man who takes advantage of a vulnerable, drunk woman. It's been mentioned a number of times so I'm sure it doesn't need saying again.

Where's your self respect?? Get rid of this vile man.

OP you are being very naïve thinking this wont affect your life, it will be a huge secret to keep, a burden to bear and will eat away at your self respect. Your children will notice his absence, you will notice his absence, you do not know how much attention this woman will divert from your family. Tell him to go live in the flat with her, the vulnerability of a dependent alcoholic will quickly become very unattractive. It is pathetic of him to say that you should live with it because others do.

I read your post as though he finds her general vulnerability attractive, not that she is vulnerable in bed, and also that she is inhibited in bed when drunk and this turns him on. I don't agree that having sex with a drunk woman is automatic rape, I'm sure many relationships use drink and drugs to enhance their sex life.

Is she married? Not sure why SHE is the bitch and the slut - surely your husband is the one betraying you?

Your plan sounds insane, btw. How does that set-up provide a happy, stable home for the kids?

OK, so say you agree, OP, for your children's stability or whatever...

Maybe it won't be this woman, maybe it will be another woman whose drunk vulnerability turns him on. What if that woman decides she's made a mistake and cries rape/sexual assault? Will he still be able to give your children a stable home then? And what if he decides he wants drunk vulnerability full-time and leaves you? Will that be stable for them?

LTB. And tell him exactly why.

You can't argue with stupid. She wants to see him again. She is agreeing to a relationship with him. This was not rape.

OP, get rid.

I'm out.

I think you're in shock. There is no way you will be able to live like this.

in fact they slept among the sheets I provided for her rented flat, including my breastfeeding pillow.

What OP does this mean?, seem there is a bit more to this that what meets the eye?.

If she was raped as she was drunk, i.e. unable to give consent, then has every other time they've shagged been under such conditions?. If so why hasn't she been and complained to the police as yet?.

It does seem your taking a very pragmatic outlook on this but I can't help feeling much damage has been done. Perhaps too much for it to be mended.

I thought that being in France that most long term married men there had some 5 to 7 arrangement and kept very quiet and discrete about it all. Least ways in and around that Paris place!

Which make me wonder just how long this has really being going on for?

..and I didn't mean, I should clarify, that the cries of rape/sexual assault would be misplaced. If she's drunk and vulnerable then she can't give informed consent.

In your situation I'd file for divorce . He doesn't think you will, hence his arrogant attitude that you'll put up and shup up. Watch him panic when you do.

Then you can decide what you want, from a position of control. I really hope you kick him out and make a better life for yourself as staying with him is resigning yourself to living with an abuser, and someone you can no loner trust. That'll kill you inside.

I couldn't accept it. He would have to choose me or her.

Your husband is a filthy stinking rapist and I'd put money on him having done it before!

He's also a misogynistic twat, entitled to an affair! WTF?

Kick him out, your kids will get through it and you will be much better off.

I love how people quote what the French do whenever they feel like it, as though that's got anything to do with anything.