WWYD if your husband expected you to accept him having a mistress?

[K00kie]

I probably should post it in the Relationships section, but I genuinely need a WWYD feedback.

Context: my husband of 20 years, who has always been faithful and trustworthy (and so have I) informed me the other day that he slept with a friend of ours - or rather a woman who claimed to be our friend, stayed at our house, played with our three children, and was shown nothing but kindness and hospitality by me; in fact they slept among the sheets I provided for her rented flat, including my breastfeeding pillow.

She's an active alcoholic. The night together happened when, at the request of her parents, who are in the US, he went to check on her when she was dead drunk. She invited him to bed because 'she was depressed and lonely', and he went with it because he'd fancied her for some time. He was sober.

I know it all from him, as he told me about it straightaway, honest as he is. He says he doesn't even consider leaving us because he still loves us (he's always been a devoted dad). BUT he doesn't intend to stop the affair, because he's infatuated by her, and finds her exciting because - now that's worrying - she is very sexy when she's drunk, he finds her helplessess endearing, and she's very loud during sex, which he realised is a big turn-on. They work together on a 2-year project, so he'll be in touch with her anyway.

He feels he's entitled to an affair because he's been faithful to me for 20 years, everybody around him has affairs, and anyway in France (where we have some family) it's a norm, men have mistresses and wives accept it. And he wasn't getting enough sex recently in our marriage anyway (it's true, I may explain the reasons if anyone wants to know - nothing sordid). He also thinks the affair is OK because he's not cheating - with me knowing about it.

Bastard. I've lost much of my respect for him, and there hasn't been much overt affection between us recently. However, we still agree on a lot of important things in life, make a good team raising our kids, and have a lot of common interests.

Now, if we didn't have kids, that would be the end of us there and then. But we have three kids aged 11, 9 and 5; our eldest daughter is on the mild end of autistic spectrum, which means stability is very important for her, especially now that she's entering puberty and starting senior school. We've had a stable, comfortable life, happy kids with both of us involved in their lives - generally a good life. The kids really don't deserve all that taken away from them because their twat of a dad is going through a bad case of mid-life crisis and started thinking with his dick instead of brain.

Now, I think would be willing to tolerate his affair and even keep it a secret from family and friends on a few conditions (break any of these and I'm filing for divorce):

1. No sex between us while his fling lasts. Unlike the slut, I can't bring myself to having sex with a guy who's in a relationship with another woman.

1. He keeps her and our family completely separate and the affair doesn't impact negatively on our family life - I don't ever want to see the bitch, and I don't want our kids to ever see her either. He can go to her after the kids are in bed.

1. He keeps being honest about the affair and about his plans for the future if I ask any questions.

1. He doesn't get the bitch pregnant. The idiot had unprotected sex with her because she told him she was on the pill. She's had two abortions already after her previous flings.

So I put up with the affair on these conditions, and in return I get stability, financial security (he's the main earner as I work part-time, so we still keep joint bank accounts), kids get to spend time with their dad, we go on holidays together as a family. Nothing changes apart from who he sleeps with. As for myself, at the moment any thought of sex - with him or anyone else - seems just completely off.

So, WWYD? Could you live with it? How much can you tolerate to save the family? Am I pragmatic and sensible - thank god for my mental strength - or am I allowing myself to be taken advantage of?

Any opinions will be much appreciated.

What would I do??

I can't believe you need to ask. Leave the rapey bastard. Your marriage is seriously broken, no turning back. Kick him out. You seriously don't want your teen daughter to copy your relationship style later on do you? Do t use her SEN as an excuse to stay in this MESS!

Sorry, there's no stability for you.

Please don't call the other woman bitch, slut etc. You want to keep on being classy no?

Also don't you buy into this French lifestyle thing. Don't glamorise his affair like that. It's a lie.

Also what kind of warped logic is this that one is entitled to an affair after 20 years of fidelity? I'd dump him alone based on this stupidity...

Blergh.
Horrible man taking advantage of two women.
Your friend sounds quite vulnerable, and you are happy to call her a slut and a bitch? Your husband took advantage of her being drunk and he's taking advantage of you - men don't need sex, it isn't a right, he doesn't deserve to get it elsewhere just because you don't want it at the moment.
He's a selfish arse. Do you really think that's a good person to have around your DCs?

Your husband is revolting, really stomach churning revolting.

He has no respect for her, treating her like a piece of dirt and striking when she is down. He has no respect for you, he is dictating what is going to happen and doesn't care whether you're upset, it's all about him. He has no respect for your kids, he doesn't care about anyone. Why you'd want him around as an example to your children is beyond me. I hope you're just in shock and your anger and self respect will kick in soon and do the right thing for yourself and your children.

Just read your update.
Sorry but anyone decent would not get into bed with a drunk person, especially when they are already in a committed relationship.
You make it sound as if he was utterly helpless, when actually he's a bit of a predator.

Slut?

A woman's sex life is her own business. She's not shagging herself why is she the one your mad at over your husband.

She's a depressed alcoholic who other men have clearly been abusing by not using contraception also if she's had two abortions.

He likes helpless drunk woman who have enough issues to probably not know or expect any better.

I could forgive an affair. I could not forgive an abusive rapist.

Ffs!

It doesn't matter if they've had sex afterwards.

Do you think no rape victim has ever slept with their rapist again?

To consider this is so staggeringly stupid. I agree with all other pp.

Cut this disgusting piece of scum out of your life. Get some self respect. So what if his actions and decisions haunt him for the rest of his life? So it fucking should. He's got you pegged as a proper mug to even suggest it.

if this is even real. Surely people can't be this fucking stupid

Oh, Walter, give it up love.

Putting aside your vehement belief that this was rape (despite the woman herself disagreeing). Riddle me this. Do you believe that a woman (or man for that matter) who is drunk cannot consent to or indeed instigate sex without it being rape? I'm talking conscious drunk here obviously, not passed out.

I'm starting to think I might be a rapist myself as I've definitely had sex with a drunk man before while sober. He was willing and enjoyed it, but who knows...

This man has no respect for you nor does the OW.
WWID. First make sure you have enough money, empty the joint account and take 1/2 of any savings. Chuck him out, find a good solicitor and take him for everything. We needs to provide a house for you and the kids. Stay where you are. You are entitled to 1/2 his pension.
Fact he was happy to sleep with someone so drunk.
Fact he didn't think if you or the children while he was getting his end away
Fact he doesn't respect you or his children.

Make sure everyone is aware of what he has done including her parents.
Behave with dignity.
I think this woman may have done you a favour.

"Whereas she just selfishly ruins someone else's lives."

Yet your husband's not doing that himself? Seriously?

Your repeated references to her as "the bitch" are making me rapidly lose sympathy for you, tbh.

I feel grimy just reading the OP.

Academically, in this situation, I wonder what the man's attitude would be if the wife said ok, but on the basis I can take a lover too.

Just to clarify - definitely not a rapist. She was extremely drunk but fully conscious, asked him to get into bed with her and started the sexual advances herself

Really? So you were there, were you? Or are you going by your husband's version of events - because he has proven himself to be so trustworthy, hasn't he?

Stop calling her a bitch. Your husband is the one who has broken his marriage vows and cheated on you, not her. Yes she knew he was married, but he's the one who made the promises to you. He was the one who was sober. He was the one who should have said 'no'.

So save your anger and direct it where it really belongs, which is at your husband, rather than the alcoholic with - what sounds like - MH problems. Who's best placed to make rational decisions here? Him or her?

I'm also quite surprised that you seem to have no issue with the massive abuse of trust and responsibility that's taken place. Her parents were so worried about her that they asked someone they thought they could trust, to go and do a welfare check on her. I'm fairly sure they didn't mean that he should agree to her drunken advances and sleep with her. How would you feel if it was your daughter who'd been in that position, and the person that you trusted decided that the best way to manage the situation was to fuck her whilst she was drunk?

You are blaming the wrong person here. Yes she has to accept responsibility for what she's done, but your H is the one who has coldly and deliberately fucked someone else behind your back. She was pissed - what's his excuse?

RebornSlippy - unless you are a man or not British, in the eyes of the law, you cannot be a rapist.

Reborn you might think the rape of a vulnerable woman is something to grin about, and mock, but I don't.

I don't have to "riddle" you anything.

Let me guess; you're the type of woman who spouts shit like "well if a woman hits a man first, she deserves what she gets".

Perhaps a Daily Fail or Sun reader?

Someone who trips over herself for the menz because she's "cool"?

A sycophantic nobody who thinks feminism is a dirty word?

A gobshite, in summary, who doesn't have the brain capacity to understand the nuances of sexual assault.

In summary; someone who's not worth wasting my data on.

Love.

Please kick him out. As you say, "he risks losing his family, which would hit him big time, and haunt him for the rest of his life". That is what needs to happen.

When this affair ends, he will go on to another, and another, and another..... You need to make him understand that it is NOT GOOD ENOUGH for you, that you deserve better.

At the very least make him sleep in another room.

I'm not British no. But I'm a woman. OK, let's flip it. What about the occasions I've been drunk. I've come home to my sober partner/husband at the time and instigated sex. I don't feel like I was raped. I was not raped actually. I wanted it, I instigated it and I consented to it. What makes it one rule for me and another for this woman? Why is it automatically rape in this scenario for so many of you it seems?

I'm genuinely asking as I cannot for the life of me see how this jumped from affair to rape. Is it because she's an alcoholic? Can alcoholics, by default, never consent to sex?

I couldn't live like this. I might have been able to accept the one night stand if he was remorseful and promised it wouldn't happen again but 'deserves an affair' not a chance. I'd probably bide my time, get legal advice, sort out finances etc but my marriage would be over.

reborn

It's not just about the act if saying yes though is it?!

A 14 year old may say yes and be fully sober. It's still rape.

And a woman who has mental health issues and is drunk and clearly has a record of sleeping with men and getting pregnant , well I would question their ability to be completely coherent and fully understanding what's going on.

My mouth is literally hanging open with shock.

This man is disgusting

Boot him out and swap him for tax credits. He doesn't love you or his family. He is a selfish pig.

Why would you want to stay with him? How can you even look at him?

No

Just no.

No, Walter none of that is accurate. Seems your powers of deduction are way out of kilter today.

I disagree with your opinion. I resented the way you spoke to me the first time we 'me't. I will admit to gloating at your obvious despair when the OP came back to state that this was not rape. You know, like I said at the start?

And yes, yes, I know she wasn't there etc, etc. But neither were you. Yet you were so gungho that this Was Definitely Rape and were happy to belitle others' views (mine) while at it. That's all.

Hands up, I enjoyed your exasparated 'Ffs!'. Shoot me.

I'll waste no more of your data. I'm hoping someone less emotional might be able to point out what I'm missing and why this was an automatic 'He's a rapist' from reading this post.

Taking advantage of an extremely drunk woman rings so many alarm bells to me.

What a cunt.

He's an abusive cunt who is taking advantage of a very vulnerable woman and you are calling HER a bitch and a slut. Frankly you deserve each other

RebornSlippy - whether it should be officially designated as 'rape' or not, he behaved in a shitty and abusive way. The woman was in such a state that her parents felt someone they 'trusted' should check on her wow did they get that wrong. It's not a question of whether she was drunk or not, but that she is so clearly vulnerable.

I've definitely had sex with a drunk man before while sober... and was this man so drunk/in such a bad psychological state that his friends and family sent you to check on his well-being? I suspect not.