WWYD if your husband expected you to accept him having a mistress?

[K00kie]

I probably should post it in the Relationships section, but I genuinely need a WWYD feedback.

Context: my husband of 20 years, who has always been faithful and trustworthy (and so have I) informed me the other day that he slept with a friend of ours - or rather a woman who claimed to be our friend, stayed at our house, played with our three children, and was shown nothing but kindness and hospitality by me; in fact they slept among the sheets I provided for her rented flat, including my breastfeeding pillow.

She's an active alcoholic. The night together happened when, at the request of her parents, who are in the US, he went to check on her when she was dead drunk. She invited him to bed because 'she was depressed and lonely', and he went with it because he'd fancied her for some time. He was sober.

I know it all from him, as he told me about it straightaway, honest as he is. He says he doesn't even consider leaving us because he still loves us (he's always been a devoted dad). BUT he doesn't intend to stop the affair, because he's infatuated by her, and finds her exciting because - now that's worrying - she is very sexy when she's drunk, he finds her helplessess endearing, and she's very loud during sex, which he realised is a big turn-on. They work together on a 2-year project, so he'll be in touch with her anyway.

He feels he's entitled to an affair because he's been faithful to me for 20 years, everybody around him has affairs, and anyway in France (where we have some family) it's a norm, men have mistresses and wives accept it. And he wasn't getting enough sex recently in our marriage anyway (it's true, I may explain the reasons if anyone wants to know - nothing sordid). He also thinks the affair is OK because he's not cheating - with me knowing about it.

Bastard. I've lost much of my respect for him, and there hasn't been much overt affection between us recently. However, we still agree on a lot of important things in life, make a good team raising our kids, and have a lot of common interests.

Now, if we didn't have kids, that would be the end of us there and then. But we have three kids aged 11, 9 and 5; our eldest daughter is on the mild end of autistic spectrum, which means stability is very important for her, especially now that she's entering puberty and starting senior school. We've had a stable, comfortable life, happy kids with both of us involved in their lives - generally a good life. The kids really don't deserve all that taken away from them because their twat of a dad is going through a bad case of mid-life crisis and started thinking with his dick instead of brain.

Now, I think would be willing to tolerate his affair and even keep it a secret from family and friends on a few conditions (break any of these and I'm filing for divorce):

1. No sex between us while his fling lasts. Unlike the slut, I can't bring myself to having sex with a guy who's in a relationship with another woman.

1. He keeps her and our family completely separate and the affair doesn't impact negatively on our family life - I don't ever want to see the bitch, and I don't want our kids to ever see her either. He can go to her after the kids are in bed.

1. He keeps being honest about the affair and about his plans for the future if I ask any questions.

1. He doesn't get the bitch pregnant. The idiot had unprotected sex with her because she told him she was on the pill. She's had two abortions already after her previous flings.

So I put up with the affair on these conditions, and in return I get stability, financial security (he's the main earner as I work part-time, so we still keep joint bank accounts), kids get to spend time with their dad, we go on holidays together as a family. Nothing changes apart from who he sleeps with. As for myself, at the moment any thought of sex - with him or anyone else - seems just completely off.

So, WWYD? Could you live with it? How much can you tolerate to save the family? Am I pragmatic and sensible - thank god for my mental strength - or am I allowing myself to be taken advantage of?

Any opinions will be much appreciated.

I wonder if your husband will find his alcoholic lover such a turn on when she vomits all over him or shits herself?

You can't possibly contemplate staying with this man, despite the upheaval your children will face.

Hi everyone, OP here. Holding on relatively fine, a lazy pyjama day watching movies with kids. He's at work with her. I'm starting not to care, but she seems to have started giving him grief judging by his mood.

Psychedelic, the 'knight in shining armour' is a very accurat scenario. He 'saved' her a few times before, including rushing her to hospital when he discovered her unconscious in our house, surrounded by empty bottles and pills. That was before they slept together.

Sofato5miles very good point about him overestimating his powers. He's convinced he has two women pining for him. Hubris and delusions.

justaboy Very true. But at least a woman won't get her lover pregnant by mistake

Waltermitty what do you mean it was in the Irish Mirror?!

Forgot to add - tomorrow I'm off to Spain with a good friend of mine, for a couple of days. Without the children or husband, for the first time in years. Should do me good, especially now.

I'll update when I get back, but please feel free to keep posting.

Kookie there's a rag newspaper here The Irish Mirror. And they shared an "article" on their Fb.

I only know because a friend commented on it slagging off their lazy journalism.

I don't know if you have a Mirror newspaper in the UK but the one here is just tabloid shite.

Enjoy your trip!

When you come back how do you think he'd react to you calling his bluff - telling him you've found a buff virile "reward" for your 20 years of faithful marriage? Would he congratulate you, or would he hit the roof?

Yes, they have the Daily Mirror here, I won't be buying a copy. For a moment I was worrying whether it's all anonymous enough, but people will probably think it's all made up anyway. By some dirty-minded journalist.

Thank you Cherry, it's a very tempting suggestion. A Spanish bullfighter for instance.

But seriously, he did say I can find someone else, he doesn't mind who I sleep with.

I still haven't worked out if he really meant it, or whether he said it because he knows I'd never do it while married, or whether he's hoping I do, because my adultery would make his whole sorry situation easier.

He may not mind who I sleep with, but he would certainly mind if I started favourably comparing the Spanish bullfighter's physique and performance to his.

But seriously, he did say I can find someone else, he doesn't mind who I sleep with. I still haven't worked out if he really meant it

Of course he doesn't mean it. He thinks he does, simply because he feels fairly confident you wouldn't do it. And that confidence and his 'permission' are part of what makes him feel that it's all OK. After all, he's giving you the opportunity to 'even things up', it's not his fault if you don't want to cheat, too, is it?

But I have a feeling that if you were to come downstairs of an evening, all dolled up, and say "I'm off, I may not be back until tomorrow" and when he asked where you were off to you responded "Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies" or "I don't ask you, you don't ask me" he'd probably feel differently about 'giving you permission' to even up the score!

I think you should let him see you quietly put a box of condoms in your luggage. Or leave your case open on the bed with them semi-tucked under a t-shirt.

I'm very sorry you are going through this, it sounds horrific to me. I feel that as your husband, he made YOU solemn vows to be faithful and put you before all others and he is not doing this. I wouldn't care that he had been faithful to me for 20 years and so felt he could have an affair and that he could justify it. Please do yourself and your children the best service and get away from him as it will be toxic and no good for you or your children. Wish you all the best

I can almost guarantee he doesn't mean it.

I know someone who suggested that they and their spouse should have an open marriage, as their sex life was pretty redundant - it was all right while it was him who got to have extramarital sex, but as soon as she did, he found he couldn't handle it and they split up. So no, even if he promises he means it, he probably doesn't. Something to do with ego, I would imagine.

If it wouldn't hurt the divorce proceedings I would suggest doing what he did and explaining all the things about the massive Spanish bullfighter that turn you on

OP

I have DM'd you.

Dear All, I've decided to hide this thread as it's attracted some unwanted attention, with Irish Mirror etc. Please PM me if you'd like to keep in touch.

Thank you again for all your responses, there are many words of wisdom there!

I'm sorry to hear that OP.

He thinks he means it, but only because he knows you won't do it. It's entirely theoretical. He's sure he can have his cake and eat it.

Men are often much more sexually possessive than women, even women they've split up with or think they don't fancy any more.

My best wishes to you. Be strong and remember that you deserve happiness, too.

He 'saved' her a few times before, including rushing her to hospital when he discovered her unconscious in our house, surrounded by empty bottles and pills

Yet, she is a bitch and a slut? She clearly has issues and it takes a pretty 'special' person to enjoy and take advantage of that. The fact that he is turned on by her addiction and vulnerability makes my skin crawl.

Up to you if you want your children exposed to that, or to think that this is the way you treat someone or be treated by someone but FFS, get real about it.

He sounds cold and conniving, not the sort of person I would want raising my children. He clearly has no respect for you.

You should absolutely leave him. It will also be a very important life lesson for your children as they grow. No one should put up with this.

Be strong

Kick him out; tell her parents.

Things will go horribly, horribly wrong for him - at work too - as her emotions and drinking get out of control.

Ultimately, he will be desperate to come back. Then you can decide whether to stay with him from a position of power, not as a chattel cum efficient housekeeper

You kidding me, right? Where's your self esteem? You actually made a list with rules for your husband to fuck another woman... wake up until is not too late.

Wishing you well OP

But seriously, he did say I can find someone else, he doesn't mind who I sleep with.

I still haven't worked out if he really meant it, or whether he said it because he knows I'd never do it while married, or whether he's hoping I do, because my adultery would make his whole sorry situation easier.

Every time he opens his mouth it's to put you in a lose-lose situation.

Spare, we've been through the slut vs poor vulnerable abused alcoholic issue on this thread. He's taking advantage of her sexually, she's happy to continue while sober and is now taking advantage of him financially, a lot. They deserve each other.

Changing I have lots of self-esteem. From what I wrote it may seem I'm a desperate wife trying to cling to him at all costs, but it's not the case. I know I don't want him back as a husband, but it's twenty years of living and family-building together we're talking about here. He's destroyed most of it, but because I'm not as stupid as him and I unlike him I actually understand the consequences of his actions, I don't want the rest to be completely destroyed as well. It's just a way to keep things normal on the surface, while I work out my options. Staying married to him in the long run is not one of them. Without the rules I set out even this temporary arrangement would be impossible for me to cope with.

he doesn't care who I sleep with

You see, that's about as damning as you can get. That phrase, that sentiment, tells you everything.

I promise you, even in the middle of the biggest row, a man who truly treasured and cherished his wife would not say that. It would not occur to him to say that.

I do wonder what he is really like in other ways. Whether he has gaslighted you all along.

She fucking asked him to bed! And didn't he just fucking love that!!! Prick that he is. Any decent man would not have raped a drunk, depressed vulnerable woman who he was asked (by her parents, no fucking less) to watch over, due to her vulnerability.

She wants to continue the affair because she thinks he is in love with her. He wants to continue it because she is "loud and sexy" when drunk, which turns him on.

Wow, you asked WWYD so here it is:

I'd get some legal advice on my options. I'd make a long term plan to gradually weave him out of the family home to minimise the impact to the children if I could, but if that wasn't possible I'd probably cut ties ASAP. Rip it off like a plaster so I can start the healing process for me and my children.

I don't feel anything good can come from this set up. The children would indefinitely pick up on something and I wouldn't want them to think this is acceptable for a trusting relationship. Even if they didn't know what was going on immediately, they would no doubt find out when they are older and they will not react kindly to it.

I'm not sure I'm giving you the response you want to hear because the way you've written your OP suggests you are feeling quite proud of how you've reacted to the situation. Granted it's a good stab at accommodating his request but it's not what you signed up to at the beginning of your marriage and had you known he'd want to do this at some point in the marriage, you wouldn't have said I Do.

If you think this plan is the best for the sake of your family.... put yourself in the shoes of one of your children. How would you feel about mummy and daddy doing what the two of you are?

I hope you find courage to do what's right for you x