WWYD if your husband expected you to accept him having a mistress?

[K00kie]

I probably should post it in the Relationships section, but I genuinely need a WWYD feedback.

Context: my husband of 20 years, who has always been faithful and trustworthy (and so have I) informed me the other day that he slept with a friend of ours - or rather a woman who claimed to be our friend, stayed at our house, played with our three children, and was shown nothing but kindness and hospitality by me; in fact they slept among the sheets I provided for her rented flat, including my breastfeeding pillow.

She's an active alcoholic. The night together happened when, at the request of her parents, who are in the US, he went to check on her when she was dead drunk. She invited him to bed because 'she was depressed and lonely', and he went with it because he'd fancied her for some time. He was sober.

I know it all from him, as he told me about it straightaway, honest as he is. He says he doesn't even consider leaving us because he still loves us (he's always been a devoted dad). BUT he doesn't intend to stop the affair, because he's infatuated by her, and finds her exciting because - now that's worrying - she is very sexy when she's drunk, he finds her helplessess endearing, and she's very loud during sex, which he realised is a big turn-on. They work together on a 2-year project, so he'll be in touch with her anyway.

He feels he's entitled to an affair because he's been faithful to me for 20 years, everybody around him has affairs, and anyway in France (where we have some family) it's a norm, men have mistresses and wives accept it. And he wasn't getting enough sex recently in our marriage anyway (it's true, I may explain the reasons if anyone wants to know - nothing sordid). He also thinks the affair is OK because he's not cheating - with me knowing about it.

Bastard. I've lost much of my respect for him, and there hasn't been much overt affection between us recently. However, we still agree on a lot of important things in life, make a good team raising our kids, and have a lot of common interests.

Now, if we didn't have kids, that would be the end of us there and then. But we have three kids aged 11, 9 and 5; our eldest daughter is on the mild end of autistic spectrum, which means stability is very important for her, especially now that she's entering puberty and starting senior school. We've had a stable, comfortable life, happy kids with both of us involved in their lives - generally a good life. The kids really don't deserve all that taken away from them because their twat of a dad is going through a bad case of mid-life crisis and started thinking with his dick instead of brain.

Now, I think would be willing to tolerate his affair and even keep it a secret from family and friends on a few conditions (break any of these and I'm filing for divorce):

1. No sex between us while his fling lasts. Unlike the slut, I can't bring myself to having sex with a guy who's in a relationship with another woman.

1. He keeps her and our family completely separate and the affair doesn't impact negatively on our family life - I don't ever want to see the bitch, and I don't want our kids to ever see her either. He can go to her after the kids are in bed.

1. He keeps being honest about the affair and about his plans for the future if I ask any questions.

1. He doesn't get the bitch pregnant. The idiot had unprotected sex with her because she told him she was on the pill. She's had two abortions already after her previous flings.

So I put up with the affair on these conditions, and in return I get stability, financial security (he's the main earner as I work part-time, so we still keep joint bank accounts), kids get to spend time with their dad, we go on holidays together as a family. Nothing changes apart from who he sleeps with. As for myself, at the moment any thought of sex - with him or anyone else - seems just completely off.

So, WWYD? Could you live with it? How much can you tolerate to save the family? Am I pragmatic and sensible - thank god for my mental strength - or am I allowing myself to be taken advantage of?

Any opinions will be much appreciated.

I actually don't think we can possibly tell that he is a rapist from the information we have about what took place. But his admittance that he finds her helplessness a turn on is disturbing to say the least.

The bitch, the slut.

Definitely directing the blame and ire in the right place.

WWID? The marriage is over, I would tell him to leave.

Don't kid yourself it will be better for the children if he stays, because it really won't. You can kid yourself that it will give them stability, but when they find out later (and they will, because the situation you're considering is just not sustainable) that their 'stable' childhood was built on lies, disrespect and sordidness; what do you think it will do to them? To their chances of building good relationships for themselves? Don't set things in motion now that will leave your children feeling guilt in the future.

Thanks for that Giles. Gotta admit though, I'm still not really getting it. In the scenarios you've listed, I can. But this woman, aside from being (I assume) a functioning alcoholic, with obvious issues, wanted to have sex with this man. She (according to pig husband) made the moves. Do her issues make her unable to consent to sex? Despite the fact she's had 'sober' sex with him since and is in a relationship (puke). Does her lack of capacity stand when sober also?

I'm genuinely not being goady here, I just really can't seem to grasp this mentality right now.

Reborn because there is a difference between your example of being a bit drunk and getting down to it with your husband.
This woman was so drunk that her parents called to ask this man to check on her.
Instead he slept with her, when he is already in a committed relationship and knowing she was extremely drunk and all her natural inhibitions are gone. Very drunk people generally don't make very good decisions.

It's just repellent behaviour from him.

He's a rapist because she was extremely drunk to the point where her parents sent him to check on her welfare. He knew she was drunk, he knew she was vulnerable. He could have made her a coffee or got her a glass of water and a bucket. Instead he chose to penetrate her with his penis.

It is quite clear to see him as a rapist once you start analysing his behaviour instead of his victim's.

I'd be ending it to give my children better stability!

well she wants an affair with him so I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say It wasn't rape. The dynamic is twisted but it is still her decision.

OP this will eat you up, you will become a bitter twisted woman who he will leave because you aren't who he married anymore and he will hold the fact that you agreed to this over you.

What if you daughter found out? What if your daughter found herself in this scenario?

Christ no, could not and would not accept this. Divorce him. All respect is gone. This is over. What an utter pig of a man.

WWID? I'd be stockpiling details of all financials and ensuring financial stability for myself and my children, and swiftly finding a shit hot lawyer to get me the best deal from the scheming, conniving bastard.

You see, the point about her parents sending him has been made several times now. The woman is, by all accounts, an alcoholic. We don't know what prompted her parents to ask him to call with her. They were in the US when this happened. How did they think or know how drunk she was? How drunk was she really? How drunk is too drunk before consent becomes an issue?

Anyway, none of this matters. It was just very interesting to me to see the first reaction of so many here when it wasn't mine. Don't get me wrong, he's revolting. But no, I honestly didn't think rapist. Hmm, maybe I should spend some time thinking about that...

No doubt, MN is the place to come if in trouble and needing to hear the 'I believe you', which is so important. Not so good at avoiding jumping to assumptions though.

Think I'll leave this now. I feel a shit storm brewing.

He's disgusting and his suggestion is frankly emotionally abusive.

I would consult a solicitor, change the locks on the house while he was out and dump his stuff outside her flat.

Absolutely do-able, but I would add another rule to the list.

5. Don't come back home, live somewhere else and don't ever talk to me again you sick bastard.

First off, no, I wouldn't accept it in any way. My DH's arse would have been out the fucking door before he finished saying "I slept with someone......". BUT I come from a position of financial equality with DH so it's easy for me to say. I've always worked full time and actually earned a bit more than him until the last few years (we're retired now) and if we had ever split (came close once) the DC and I would have been perfectly fine.

You have to do what feels right to you. A PP said in this 'agreement' of yours you need to demand 'equal time' for yourself and to state that you are now free to also 'seek companionship' elsewhere. I agree. I'd also demand that you be financially compensated. Right now you're at a disadvantage as he earns much more than you do. That needs to be equalized as he's put you in a position in which you really don't know what will happen. He may very well decide to leave you for the OW (or the next OW, or the next) or you may get so sick of his 'ways' that you want out. You just don't know.

So, if I were you, I'd see a solicitor. I believe that pre/post-nuptuals aren't legally binding (they are where I live) but I'd still hammer out a 'legal' document for him to sign. One that demands he pay ALL household bills plus give you an equalizing share of his wages, puts a fair share of your joint assets in your sole name, and spells out what's what if he decides to leave. I'll bet that makes him sit up and take notice!

Maybe putting the fear of God into him will give him the boot up the arse he obviously needs.

The thing is, its not ok just to go sleep with someone when you have a family, even if you admit it after- that doesn't suddenly make it alright. He knows he shouldn't have done it, but now you have effectively ok'd it he thinks its alright.
What happens when this woman decided she wants to be more than the mistress- when she wants to settle down and have kids? Where will that leave you?

The three of you sound a bit horrible tbh. If you can live like that then on you go. I couldn't.

I would consult a lawyer, gather up as much paperwork and money as I could and divorce him.

I would also make sure her parents knew what was happening as they obviously trust him with their troubled daughters welfare.

you know this is already irreversible. You can never have the life back that you had before . He has abused your trust. her parents trust, his childrens safe, secure family unit. That cant be changed back.
What would you say to your children if in 30 years they come to you with the same scenario?
He needs to leave. you need to let him and you and your children know this is not what a loving relationship is about.
Your terms will poison you.
See a solicitor. put the money in your name. Get him out. spend the rest of your life with someone who respects you.
start with that person being you.
I know its daunting and difficult.
so much better than the alternative.

Oh, and I would NOT be keeping his secret. A dirty little secret that needs to be brought into the sunlight. I would tell my family, his family, and her parents.

Living in secrecy kills the soul. Don't keep his secrets.

Thanks a lot for your thoughts. It really helps to see this entire sotuation in a fresh light. TalkingBoutNothing's plan sounds really sensible. Bide my time but bomb-proof for the future. Thank you.

To answer some recurring comments. First - the rape issue. She is extremely lucid when very drunk, she knows what's she's doing. She doesn't act like someone incapable of consent.

My extreme resentment towards her stems from a few things. First, to the naive me, any woman who sleeps with a married man - especially if she knows his family well - is a bitch. Sorry, but I can't bring myself to excuse it. He's a bastard obviously, as it takes two to tango.

Secondly, she lived with us for a few weeks. In our holiday house, and at home, when she didn't have anywhere to live - i.e. before she rented a flat (the one for which I provided the sheets and my breastfeeding pillow as she found it very comfortable to sleep on). So she lived with us, played with the kids on a regular basis (they adore her), we chatted a lot, she commented many times on what a lovely family we are and how she's going to miss us when she moves out. For her to then sleep with my husband repeatedly, drunk and sober, seems mindboggling.

If I mentioned her abortions, it's not to judge her for it, but to illustrate my husband's extreme stupidity in believing that unprotected sex is OK because she's on the pill.

A few of you were wondering how my still-husband would react to my affair. Apparently, I'm free to find someone else if I want. His words. Whether he really thinks so or talks bullshit because he knows I'd never do it while married is unclear.

To be honest - I can't imagine having sex with him again, even when this affair is over.

And finally - I am not a troll, and I'm not staggeringly stupid. I'm just trying to make sense of a very difficult and shocking situation, which I never thought I'd find myself in.

Look forward to more comments.

Your children will notice the atmosphere at home has changed because they always do. Don't fool yourself into thinking staying together is better for them.Your DH can still be a devoted dad after you separate.

Regardless of what other people may or may not accept in France, and regardless of whether your sex drives are different - don't let your kids see this as a normal relationship.

He's out. He can see and pay for his kids, and you can get what you are entitled to financially. Off he goes for his exciting relationship with an addict. When she sees senses or falls apart, he can be on to the next one.

And get an std check, you don't know where either of them have been.

First - the rape issue. She is extremely lucid when very drunk, she knows what's she's doing. She doesn't act like someone incapable of consent

How the hell would you know about how she is, you are not there whilst hes having sex with her.

She owes you nothing. It is him that you need to be angry with.

Why you are asking when clearly the only answer is LTB.

Please please please end it with him now. It may not feel like it but it is best for you and your children not to be around someone who could behave so disgustingly. Believe in yourself. No one deserves to be treated like that.

You're letting have his cake and eat it too.

He gets to sleep with who he likes and still have a loving family to come back to every night.