WWYD if your husband expected you to accept him having a mistress?

[K00kie]

I probably should post it in the Relationships section, but I genuinely need a WWYD feedback.

Context: my husband of 20 years, who has always been faithful and trustworthy (and so have I) informed me the other day that he slept with a friend of ours - or rather a woman who claimed to be our friend, stayed at our house, played with our three children, and was shown nothing but kindness and hospitality by me; in fact they slept among the sheets I provided for her rented flat, including my breastfeeding pillow.

She's an active alcoholic. The night together happened when, at the request of her parents, who are in the US, he went to check on her when she was dead drunk. She invited him to bed because 'she was depressed and lonely', and he went with it because he'd fancied her for some time. He was sober.

I know it all from him, as he told me about it straightaway, honest as he is. He says he doesn't even consider leaving us because he still loves us (he's always been a devoted dad). BUT he doesn't intend to stop the affair, because he's infatuated by her, and finds her exciting because - now that's worrying - she is very sexy when she's drunk, he finds her helplessess endearing, and she's very loud during sex, which he realised is a big turn-on. They work together on a 2-year project, so he'll be in touch with her anyway.

He feels he's entitled to an affair because he's been faithful to me for 20 years, everybody around him has affairs, and anyway in France (where we have some family) it's a norm, men have mistresses and wives accept it. And he wasn't getting enough sex recently in our marriage anyway (it's true, I may explain the reasons if anyone wants to know - nothing sordid). He also thinks the affair is OK because he's not cheating - with me knowing about it.

Bastard. I've lost much of my respect for him, and there hasn't been much overt affection between us recently. However, we still agree on a lot of important things in life, make a good team raising our kids, and have a lot of common interests.

Now, if we didn't have kids, that would be the end of us there and then. But we have three kids aged 11, 9 and 5; our eldest daughter is on the mild end of autistic spectrum, which means stability is very important for her, especially now that she's entering puberty and starting senior school. We've had a stable, comfortable life, happy kids with both of us involved in their lives - generally a good life. The kids really don't deserve all that taken away from them because their twat of a dad is going through a bad case of mid-life crisis and started thinking with his dick instead of brain.

Now, I think would be willing to tolerate his affair and even keep it a secret from family and friends on a few conditions (break any of these and I'm filing for divorce):

1. No sex between us while his fling lasts. Unlike the slut, I can't bring myself to having sex with a guy who's in a relationship with another woman.

1. He keeps her and our family completely separate and the affair doesn't impact negatively on our family life - I don't ever want to see the bitch, and I don't want our kids to ever see her either. He can go to her after the kids are in bed.

1. He keeps being honest about the affair and about his plans for the future if I ask any questions.

1. He doesn't get the bitch pregnant. The idiot had unprotected sex with her because she told him she was on the pill. She's had two abortions already after her previous flings.

So I put up with the affair on these conditions, and in return I get stability, financial security (he's the main earner as I work part-time, so we still keep joint bank accounts), kids get to spend time with their dad, we go on holidays together as a family. Nothing changes apart from who he sleeps with. As for myself, at the moment any thought of sex - with him or anyone else - seems just completely off.

So, WWYD? Could you live with it? How much can you tolerate to save the family? Am I pragmatic and sensible - thank god for my mental strength - or am I allowing myself to be taken advantage of?

Any opinions will be much appreciated.

It would obviously be him in the flat, not you.

He's a filthy rapist.

This.

The woman could go to the police and report him for rape, he wouldn't have a leg to stand on. She couldn't give real consent in that scenario. Your husband was sober, he knew how drunk and vulnerable she was, instead of helping her to sober up, he had sex with her.

He took full advantage of her being "dead drunk" and raped her. There is no other way to look at this.

ps, and supposing you put these terms to him to make yourself feel you have some control, would you get free time? would you get the opportunity to hand over three young kids and go out looking for new friendships (not necessarily to plunge headlong in to a fling) but in these terms that you believe would give you some control, have you built in opportunity for you to meet new people (male or female, friendships or relationships) or will you be stuck at home 24/7 all the time never meeting anybody new?

Don't do this OP. It will destroy you inside, and it won't create stability for your DCs, how could it when their parents are living a lie? The older ones will start to question where he goes, and you won't be able to maintain a calm front for them. The stability ended when he decided to fuck someone else, there isn't any going back now. It's terrifying to go out on your own, be a single parent and cope - I know, I'm doing it. But it will be infinitely better and easier than this proposal.

FHRO. Your children do not need that as a role model. He took advantage of her.

one of my best friends is french and she tells me it's a myth that french women turn a blind eye to affairs. some might if it suits them to because they don't care.

And, I'm really sorry you've found yourself here, truly. Your eldest will cope, really she will, she just needs strong scaffolding and reassurance.

As I said, Reborn, ask the police.

He raped her.

And it's people like you who make this crime so easy to get away with.

There is no right or wrong opinion.

If a woman is "dead drunk" then she is unable to give consent no matter what she's saying or doing while she's pissed.

And a man who has sex with her when she's in that state is a rapist.

Your opinion changes precisely nothing about that.

Clause no:5 You too are allowed to embark on an affair with a man of your choosing with the same T&C as above. To facilitate this you will each have set days/evenings that you are responsible to be home with the children.

I know you don't want anyone but see how he feels about you having an affair. Even if you don't go and meet a man on your allocated days, you should still make an effort to do something i.e meet friends, do a hobby etc

This rape argument needs another thread.

OP LTB.

I must report my husband for rape. I went out with work, drank 5 cocktails and about 8 jaegerbombs, was completely pissed, then came home and rode him stupid. He was stone cold sober the filthy pig.

What about you? What do you want? I'm pretty sure it's not this. Put yourself and your children first not your selfish husband.

Even worse is that her parents trusted him enough to ask him to check on her... and he completely abused their trust.

That single act alone tells you all you need to know about what kind of person he is and how far you can trust him. (not even as far as you can throw him)

Please start protecting yourself legally, financially and healthwise.

I'd kick him back to the 18th century where his attitude belongs. It is not remotely acceptable to "keep a mistress" let alone one that frankly he is taking horrible advantage of.... I'd never want his hands on me again after that. He's behaving appalling and you are letting him. Please have some self respect if not for yourself then your children.

Get some self respect. Ffs

Drag his sorry arse through the divorce courts. There is no coming back from a betrayal of this magnitude. It's utterly shit for you and the DCs but you shouldn't all be stuck with this sorry excuse for a man for any longer than is necessary.

I'm not sure a father that gets turned on by the helplessness of an alcoholic with serious mental health issues is the best role model for your kids.

I have a friend whose father put up with the fact her mother had a boyfriend for many years. It all came out eventually and it massively screwed her up. She says that every happy childhood memory feels like a lie and that they've stolen her childhood from her. When she thinks of any happy family memories now she always wonders whether her mum was distracted thinking of her boyfriend and/or how hard it was for her dad to put on a brave face. She blames her father as much as her mother. It's very sad.

Why do some men like 'helpless' women?

What is that about?

This can't be true, surely!

It reads to me like you're staying with him for his money.

What absolute bollocks

Goady fuckery signalling at it's most obvious

Couldn't agree more purplecoathanger

How this turned into he's a rapist is beyond me. Some of you are focussing in on the 'dead drunk' phrase like the woman was comatose and unable to move off the bed or something! The woman was able to ask him to sleep with her. She was more than consenting.

And yeah Walter lets see what the police would say if they heard this story. Drunk woman asks man to bed, man does so, she seems happy with his performance so they start an affair. Yeah, it's obviously rape.

And you can take your 'people like you' comment and do something else with it. I'm not taking it. You know precisely fuck all about me.

My mouth has actually dropped open reading this OP.

I would absolutely take him to the cleaners. Not only is he abusing this drunk woman but he is emotionally abusing you. You should have stability and financial security without your husband thinking he can go around and fucking abuse everyone.

Get some self respect

He is a fucking horror OP

Not only is he cheating on you but he sounds very much to me like he is taking advantage of her too .

God there are some horrible fuckers out there

With stability being so important for your oldest daughter I'd suggest concentrating your efforts on creating a new 'stable' for her that doesn't feature this bizarre soap storyline.