WWYD if your husband expected you to accept him having a mistress?

[K00kie]

I probably should post it in the Relationships section, but I genuinely need a WWYD feedback.

Context: my husband of 20 years, who has always been faithful and trustworthy (and so have I) informed me the other day that he slept with a friend of ours - or rather a woman who claimed to be our friend, stayed at our house, played with our three children, and was shown nothing but kindness and hospitality by me; in fact they slept among the sheets I provided for her rented flat, including my breastfeeding pillow.

She's an active alcoholic. The night together happened when, at the request of her parents, who are in the US, he went to check on her when she was dead drunk. She invited him to bed because 'she was depressed and lonely', and he went with it because he'd fancied her for some time. He was sober.

I know it all from him, as he told me about it straightaway, honest as he is. He says he doesn't even consider leaving us because he still loves us (he's always been a devoted dad). BUT he doesn't intend to stop the affair, because he's infatuated by her, and finds her exciting because - now that's worrying - she is very sexy when she's drunk, he finds her helplessess endearing, and she's very loud during sex, which he realised is a big turn-on. They work together on a 2-year project, so he'll be in touch with her anyway.

He feels he's entitled to an affair because he's been faithful to me for 20 years, everybody around him has affairs, and anyway in France (where we have some family) it's a norm, men have mistresses and wives accept it. And he wasn't getting enough sex recently in our marriage anyway (it's true, I may explain the reasons if anyone wants to know - nothing sordid). He also thinks the affair is OK because he's not cheating - with me knowing about it.

Bastard. I've lost much of my respect for him, and there hasn't been much overt affection between us recently. However, we still agree on a lot of important things in life, make a good team raising our kids, and have a lot of common interests.

Now, if we didn't have kids, that would be the end of us there and then. But we have three kids aged 11, 9 and 5; our eldest daughter is on the mild end of autistic spectrum, which means stability is very important for her, especially now that she's entering puberty and starting senior school. We've had a stable, comfortable life, happy kids with both of us involved in their lives - generally a good life. The kids really don't deserve all that taken away from them because their twat of a dad is going through a bad case of mid-life crisis and started thinking with his dick instead of brain.

Now, I think would be willing to tolerate his affair and even keep it a secret from family and friends on a few conditions (break any of these and I'm filing for divorce):

1. No sex between us while his fling lasts. Unlike the slut, I can't bring myself to having sex with a guy who's in a relationship with another woman.

1. He keeps her and our family completely separate and the affair doesn't impact negatively on our family life - I don't ever want to see the bitch, and I don't want our kids to ever see her either. He can go to her after the kids are in bed.

1. He keeps being honest about the affair and about his plans for the future if I ask any questions.

1. He doesn't get the bitch pregnant. The idiot had unprotected sex with her because she told him she was on the pill. She's had two abortions already after her previous flings.

So I put up with the affair on these conditions, and in return I get stability, financial security (he's the main earner as I work part-time, so we still keep joint bank accounts), kids get to spend time with their dad, we go on holidays together as a family. Nothing changes apart from who he sleeps with. As for myself, at the moment any thought of sex - with him or anyone else - seems just completely off.

So, WWYD? Could you live with it? How much can you tolerate to save the family? Am I pragmatic and sensible - thank god for my mental strength - or am I allowing myself to be taken advantage of?

Any opinions will be much appreciated.

'She wants to see him again. She is agreeing to a relationship with him. This was not rape.'

You don't look at the victim's behaviour to ascertain whether or not rape happened, Reborn. You look at the man's behaviour. He had sex with someone who was dead drunk and finds her 'helplessness' a turn on. That makes him a rapey bastard regardless of how she acts during, before or afterwards.

Why on earth would you want to stay - all those security things aside - with a man like this? if the shoe was on the other foot, would he accept that you were doing this.

He does not get to dictate the terms of your family life. It should be a joint decision. If he'd spoken to you before having this 'affair' perhaps to ask if that could be the agreement, perhaps it might be different also.

Take this man to the cleaners. Rinse him out. Your children deserve 100x better.

Oh, and report him.

Your husband's behaviour is utterly disgusting.

He had sex with an extremely vulnerable woman knowing full well that she was not in the right state of mind to make any sensible decisions.

That does not make her a bitch and definitely not a slut. It makes him a rapist.

I cannot even believe you thinking that you can stay with him after this. I admire your strength and the way in which you are dealing with this - plus your setting out of conditions - enormously.

But I really don't think it's the wisest idea. Yes, it will be stable for the children. But it will mean misery for you. If the kids are in bed and you're alone while he's off shagging her how will that make you feel?

He put his needs before yours when he did what he did. You need to put your needs first and kick him to the kerb. You deserve better than a disgusting cunt like that. I mean being turned on by her 'helplessness'? WTF?

Did you only find out about this very recently OP? Because you sound like you are trying to manage your emotional response at a distance which will not be manageable long term.

It's irrelevant whether it's a norm throughout France that every man is entitled to a mistress, you haven't had that kind of marriage for 20 years. And I'd guess that even where people do have affairs (do not dignify this as a 'mistress') it's very bad form to boast about the details of the sex to their spouse. I'm sorry as it's a horrible situation but I think the way he's behaving is cruel and he's testing whether you will collaborate in your own humiliation. I can't see how you could keep this issue from affecting your own self-respect and other aspects of your marriage.

I agree with pp's that he's also taking advantage of someone vulnerable and again he's enjoying that exploitative aspect and by discussing it with you he's encouraging you to collude in this exploitation.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I had a boyfriend (who happened to be French) who did this, and messed with my head and fooled me into believing my reservations were because I just wasn't sophisticated/sexy enough etc. It was one aspect of what became a sustained experience of emotional and eventually physical abuse.

I think you should get out while you are still you.

Normal men do not behave like this. Helpless = not capable of consent = rape. It is that simple.

When I got married there was a line in what you might call the terms and conditions about "forsaking all others". That was non-negotiable.

Also, this cinq à sept business in France may be well-known but its not exactly the practice of the majority.

As others have said: call some lawyers on Tuesday.

There's no way he's been faithful for 20 years. He's a cheating rapist. Run now while you can. Really fucking fast.

Run.
Your kids will be ok.
You'll be ok.
Get rid.

OP, if you seriously can take all of that that you've described in your first post then your husband has no respect for you. You have none for yourself either.

You're in absolutely NO position to impose conditions because anybody who will put up with what you've described, has already lost.

I hope you are a troll and not a genuine woman posting for help to stop being a cuckold.

You don't look at the victim's behaviour to ascertain whether or not rape happened, Reborn. You look at the man's behaviour. *

Yes Stitch thank you thank you...

Honestly though OP when he was telling you the things that turned him on about her and then saying what he intends to do to her - how did you not fucking vomit and stab him right there. Its so so grim

I'd expect him to accept a divorce and only seeing his kids every other weekend.

Your OP makes me feel sick. Your DH makes me feel sick. I don't know how you can contemplate still being with him. He's vile.

If you accept those terms, you face a life of depression and anxiety.

WWID? Pack his bags and he can go and live with her - you are currently proposing to allow him to have everything he wants ( you as domestic slave maintaining the facade of respectability and her as the wreckless adrenaline filled sexy time). You really think he deserves to be able to have these 2 things simultaneously in his life?

Fuck that - I'd make the choice for him. He doesn't sound like he's much of a keeper anyway - he wants excitement? Gift him with it and the opportunity to have it full time.

And of course the reality of living with an alcoholic will be seriously testing yet by the time the novelty wears off and he comes crawling back you won't even want him back.

Get some self respect dude

OP - your OH is seeking out someone whom he finds endearing because of her 'helplessness'. Apart from being unfaithful to you (regardless of whether you know about it or now) is really not nice.

I wonder what her parents would think of this abuse of their trust? Perhaps you should let them know. They obviously care enough about her to want someone they 'trust' to look over her and I'm sure they didn't want someone to abuse her helplessness.

Seriously, please get out of this relationship. It will only go downhill from where it is now and you need to look after your DCs. He is not a good role model for them, it seems to me. Please try and talk to someone in RL. You are going to need a lot of support.

He doesn't get the bitch pregnant.

Unlike the slut

You lost any sympathy i may have had when I read that.

Your husband is the one breaking his marriage vows and is a bastard and a male whore and a rapist.

You are direct g your anger at the wrong person. Your husband is a prize dick !

I agree he has taken advantage of an incapable woman who was so drunk, her parents entrusted him to check on her.

Yes he is a rapist in the eyes of the law, I'de tell her parents and kick his arse out, this isn't even close to normal behaviour or an affair.

He stated he's always fancied her, he's been waiting for the opportunity, op you must act to protect yourself, otherwise your complicit in her abuse, and your own.

Your children will find out eventually and they too will lose all respect for you. He is living out a fantasy and taking huge advantage of a vulnerable woman. How can you even bear to look at him let alone try to pretend all is well to family and friends.

WHERE IS YOUR SELF RESPECT???

Fuck that - I'd make the choice for him. He doesn't sound like he's much of a keeper anyway - he wants excitement? Gift him with it and the opportunity to have it full time.

This! I would love to see his face when you calmly tell him that you completely understand that he wants the excitement of being with a noisy, drunk, helpless lover and you are going to let him have that experience full time - because you love him so much

Rapey fucker has really got it sewn up hasnt he
you stay, faithful wifey, provide love, companionship, respectibility, look after the house and kids
hes got a vulnerable alcoholic who he uses for sex
and even better - you are angry and judging her as a slut, and not looking at him and realising he abused her

He doesnt treat either of you as human in this situation: you he disregards, and hes got a role laid out for her that has no suggestion he thinks of her as a person with plans or needs

she may be willing to have a relationship with him - but equally, you state shes got an alcohol problem, has had flings (and are very judgy about her terminations): are you sure an affair with a married man is what she wants to do with her life? What age is she? perhaps she wants a life partner and children, perhaps she has other plans or ambitions, and could get on with them if he wasnt insistent on exploiting her vulnerability and using her as a fucktoy because he feels hes somehow entitled to it

The problem here is him, his sense of entitlement and attitude to women. He is the one who bears responsibility for this: but get out for your own self respect and dont become complicit by facilitating him taking advantage of a vulnerable woman

Is he ok with you dating and sleeping with other people? Then start tomorrow because this marriage is never going to recover.

Just end it. Don't wait till he took the last of your self respect. Your marriage is over and he doesn't even want to try.

WWID? I'd probably bide my time and live under the conditions you have set out.

But I would be shoring up my finances secretly (cash sum, hidden away - he's the higher earner and immoral bastard, you need to protect yourself). I would be bomb-proofing myself for the future, and then after a period of time I would get the hell out of there.

He would have lost the right to know the ins and outs of my life. I would carve out friendship circles without him in it.

I would gradually, but surely, cut him out of everything that mattered, and made sure that NOONE was on his side when I walked out on the bastard.

Tell him to take his expectation and shove it.

He is behaving appallingly, OP to both you and her. I'm sorry he's put you in this position

Just to clarify - definitely not a rapist. She was extremely drunk but fully conscious, asked him to get into bed with her and started the sexual advances herself. She remembered the night afterwards, felt a bit guilty because of me, but not enough to make it a one-night stand. She fancied him for some time too. They had consensual sober sex since.

The helplessness turn-on is worrying, because it comes from a man who all his life expected efficiency from me and because of his work I mostly single-handedly took care of the kids and family life.

I am very angry with him, but I do admit that for some reason I have even more resentment towards the bitch. Maybe because he risks losing his own family, which would hit him big time and haunt him for the rest of his life, whereas she just selfishly ruins someone else's lives. It somehow feels worse.