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Original poster

A horrible, horrible thing happened****warning, potential trigger****

249 replies

JustDontWantToSay · 29/06/2014 09:14

I'm going to keep this as vague as possible because I don't want my friend to find out.
Last night I stayed with my friend and her husband - known them a long time, stayed many times before.
We went out for dinner, we'd all been drinking (not silly amounts) and then we sat down to watch a film. I fell asleep during the film and when I woke up my friend had gone to bed and her husband had changed the channel to soft core porn and had his fingers inside me. I immediately pushed him away but he was resistant and when I managed to scramble away he started a conversation about the porn! I was so utterly shocked that I just left the room immediately and went to bed.
I've now woken up, I'm still here, WWYD??

OP posts:
piratecat · 30/06/2014 12:42

Sad he is a predator. i am so sorry he has abused you again.
i would gladly come with you to report him and give you support.

BeCool · 30/06/2014 12:45

oh wow - so he is possibly a serial sex offender. You may not be the only person he targets like this OP. Completely shocking to read your last post - horrifying.

I too think perhaps he has drugged you on these two occasions - after all you trusted him so it wouldn't occur to watch your drinks (being with friends and all). There is a strong possibility at least.

I really hope you are being well supported by your family now, and can perhaps find a way to contact the police.

WellWhoKnew · 30/06/2014 16:59

Grief - this is just dreadful. Please give rape crises a ring, they are so used to hearing stories like yours, they'll have a wealth of advice and support to offer you. They don't judge, they just care.

myroomisatip · 30/06/2014 17:46

I have no experience of this kind of thing but I do know, with absolute certainty, that it helps enormously to talk to someone. Really. You should contact Rape Crisis. They have the experience and the ability to help you.

Thinking of you. You don't deserve this and it isn't your fault.

Original poster
JustDontWantToSay · 30/06/2014 22:30

I haven't made a decision yet. My emotions are all over the place. Probably not helped by drinking myself into the ground last night!
Today is sober though - and it's time for rational thought. I'm still looking at this subjectively, rather than objectively which I need to change.
I really don't see much point in pressing charges.
I texted my friend today to see if she was ok but she didn't reply :( It's for the best but I'm guessing this means he's denied it.
I do feel like it's my fault - that I must have encouraged him in some way but I honestly cannot see how. There's just nothing. I find it so hard to believe that someone could touch another person like that knowing full well that the person had not and would not consent. And he didn't stop! That's actually the most distressing part of the whole thing in a way. I had to physically force him to stop. So even if in some deluded way he believed that I wouldn't mind I made it clear at that point. It's just shocking. I find it shocking.
I know I should probably talk to someone but it seems a bit trivial somehow....... But I'm very shaken by it. I just want to curl up and protect myself from the world. I can feel myself getting angry though...

Thanks again for the support - it's invaluable to me and I am truly grateful. I've just come out of an ea relationship so my self esteem is at rock bottom anyway! Honestly, it would be hard to see how things COULD get any worse. I have almost every problem under the sun to cope with at the moment! Or so it feels. Thank you all again xxx

OP posts:
tribpot · 30/06/2014 23:10

I must have encouraged him in some way

What - whilst you were asleep?! You must be able to see this is an irrational response (whilst understandable when the alternative is to accuse someone of a filthy crime). Yet that is the truth - he violated you because he wanted to, not because of anything you did. And if you had not have responded as forcefully as you did (if you had been a little drunker, for example) god knows what he would have done.

I hope perhaps you'll see that if your friend has cut off ties you need not worry about the effect on your friendship of pressing charges. I appreciate that you don't want to hurt her further but that's often the case with the families of criminals. They are hurt by the crime, not by the criminal being punished.

I think a couple of posters up thread have mentioned the possibility of informing the police without pressing charges. I think a conversation with Rape Crisis would allow you to understand all the options available to you before you make a decision.

Redglitter · 30/06/2014 23:13

Why don't you see the point in pressing charges. Please please consider reporting him. It certainly sounds like he's done it before. who knows what could happen next time he assaults someone

Trollsworth · 30/06/2014 23:17

Contact rape crisis. Report if you want, or don't if you don't want, but I think y need some support from people who won't ever push you.

BeCool · 30/06/2014 23:25

It's not your fault and you did not encourage him to sexually assault you.

curiousgeorgie · 30/06/2014 23:27

This is so heartbreaking to read, please ignore the few who aren't supportive OP, I think you're completely genuine actually.

You should report him. I know how hard it will be ( trust me, I really do) but I think some of the pain you're feeling will lift if you do xxx

differentnameforthis · 01/07/2014 03:09

I've just come out of an ea relationship so my self esteem is at rock bottom anyway!

And he knows this, I expect? So not only did he violate you (perhaps for the second (third? Fourth?) time - that you know of, anyway) he did it knowing you felt & were vulnerable.

He is banking on your self esteem being so low that you don't report him, because you feel 'you encouraged him' 'it's your fault' etc.

I know it must be VERY very hard for you. But you cannot let him get away with this. I would bank on his denying it to his wife, he has so much to lose. He isn't likely to own up.

Original poster
JustDontWantToSay · 01/07/2014 08:43

Oh yes, he knows. I think I am going to go to the police. It makes me feel sick to think about it but I don't feel like I have an option. It wasn't the first time and now that I think about it he was always touchy feely in a way that I hated. And he knew that. He took advantage of me in a hideous, hideous way.

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 01/07/2014 09:15

We're all here for you, Just. An terrible thing has happened to you, you're bound to feel all kinds of emotions and want to mentally explore all the options as to how this could have happened.

But at the end of the day, it happened because a sexual predator chose to attack you, and no other reason.

I absolutely support and encourage you to contact the police, but perhaps speak to Rape Crisis first to help you understand what happened, and what to expect next when you go to the police. Just an idea....

PlumpPartridge · 01/07/2014 09:24

You sound like you're getting angry, which beats feeling guilty by a country mile (especially since you have very good reason to feel angry and none at all to feel guilty).

I think speaking to Rape Crisis is a sound notion - mental preparation and all that. Plus, it's a first step towards admitting to the world in general that it really did happen (i.e. not just keeping it between you and your friend and Him).

Lottapianos · 01/07/2014 09:35

OP, I am shocked and disgusted on your behalf. Go to the police - you deserve to have this crime recorded and taken seriously and investigated. You are absolutely in no way whatsoever to blame for this. Hold onto the anger - you have every right to feel it. I'm so very sorry this happened to you. Rape Crisis also an excellent idea.

Allice · 01/07/2014 09:51

You're being so brave, it's hard but reporting him to the police is the right thing to do.

Redglitter · 01/07/2014 09:54

Good to see you're getting angry and realising you've done nothing wrong. He's a disgusting dangerous man who has probably been getting away with things like this too long.

You're definitely doing the right thing reporting him

juneau · 01/07/2014 10:00

Oh OP please go to the police and tell them everything! Your suspicions about being raped back in Sept, the sexual assault on Sat night, and his creepy behaviour trying to remove your bikini in public before that.

I'm sorry you're probably going to lose your friend over this, but ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! Her husband is a horrible creep and a sexual predator. HE did this, not you. And I'm willing to bet you're not the first person he's done it to either.

DoctorTwo · 01/07/2014 10:06

I do feel like it's my fault - that I must have encouraged him in some way

How could you have? You were asleep. This is entirely his doing. That he continued to assault you after you woke up is testament to his feeling of entitlement to your body. Men like this really need to cease to exist.

BrianTheMole · 01/07/2014 10:07

He's a dangerous predator. Please do go to the police, for your sake, and for anyone else to happens to cross his path. Be strong, you can do this.

Original poster
JustDontWantToSay · 01/07/2014 10:14

I'm at the police station now.

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 01/07/2014 10:18

Well done op.

Redglitter · 01/07/2014 10:20

That's great news

LiberalLibertines · 01/07/2014 10:21

Oh just well done lovely. What ever happens from here, you've done absolutely the right thing.

We will be here when you come out Flowers

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 01/07/2014 10:24

Great. Well done you. We're all thinking of you.