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Original poster

A horrible, horrible thing happened****warning, potential trigger****

249 replies

JustDontWantToSay · 29/06/2014 09:14

I'm going to keep this as vague as possible because I don't want my friend to find out.
Last night I stayed with my friend and her husband - known them a long time, stayed many times before.
We went out for dinner, we'd all been drinking (not silly amounts) and then we sat down to watch a film. I fell asleep during the film and when I woke up my friend had gone to bed and her husband had changed the channel to soft core porn and had his fingers inside me. I immediately pushed him away but he was resistant and when I managed to scramble away he started a conversation about the porn! I was so utterly shocked that I just left the room immediately and went to bed.
I've now woken up, I'm still here, WWYD??

OP posts:
Snapespeare · 08/07/2014 01:14

You're not alone. We're here.

Hand hold for tomorrow. You are absolutely doing the right thing.

Pangaea · 08/07/2014 01:22

I'm in awe of you op. You are an excellent woman.

JeanetteDanielsBenziger · 08/07/2014 01:24

You hang in there. I've been through similar and the bastard held on as not guilty until the Friday before the trial started, then changed his plea to guilty.
Best of luck.

AlpacaYourThings · 08/07/2014 01:34

Hand holding for tomorrow, OP.

RubyGoat · 08/07/2014 01:41

You are definitely doing the right thing. Well done. Hope all goes well for you tomorrow.

GarlicJulyKit · 08/07/2014 02:47

Oh, ((( Just ))) Flowers Of course it's not pathetic! It's what the interweb's for, isn't it?!

Sorry to hear about your boyfriend. Some people are best for the good times, and pretty damn disappointing when things aren't so good. The XH is obviously a twat. However, your business sounds like it's rewarding your efforts quite nicely - and you have got six long weeks of school holidays to keep you occupied!

Keeping my extremities crossed for tomorrow. Hope the creep drops himself in it.

Fairyfellowsmasterstroke · 08/07/2014 06:33

Just wanted to reiterate what others are saying - you are an amazing women who is doing the right thing.

I do find it hard to believe that this was the first time that he'd ever done such a vile thing - perhaps your actions will encourage others to come forward.

Even if no-one else does comes forward your actions could have prevented another woman suffering in the future Thanks Thanks

Rachie1986 · 08/07/2014 06:46

Hand holding. Stay strong xx

DoctorTwo · 08/07/2014 06:55

Morning JustDont. No wonder you're having a wibble, there's a lot going on and you have nobody to actually talk to, which is a bit shit. But, honestly, you have us, we're here and we believe you. Well done, btw, for making that note on your phone. That shows how together you are. Is the note time and date stamped? If so, is there any way you can show it to the police? I ask only because it could help your cause if they show him this evidence while he's being questioned under caution.

As for your b/f, all I have is this. He's either panicking, or he stupidly thinks you led your abuser on. If it's the former, trust me, that's normal, but, he really should be there for you to cry on. As he's ignoring you it appears to be the latter so you're well rid. Your xh is an idiot, but you know that already, that's why he's your ex.

Don't forget, you have us, the MN collective, the hive mind behind you all the way. We're here and we're listening. Have a massive Mumsnetty hug.

Original poster
JustDontWantToSay · 08/07/2014 09:27

Thanks all :)

Yes the note is date and time stamped and I called my liaison person and left a message over the weekend but haven't heard back. I don't think they're at work until this afternoon. It's too late to give it to them before the interview because as far as I know he's already been arrested.

The comments about my ex obviously being a twat made me laugh!! Yes, yes, he obviously is. Bit of a c*nt actually, if I'm honest.

Anyway, I shall report back later with any news.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 08/07/2014 13:48

Thinking of you x

CakeUpWall · 08/07/2014 15:16

Sending you a big squeeze today. You're a star. Thanks

Original poster
JustDontWantToSay · 08/07/2014 20:14

Update - he was questioned for 5 hours and guess what? He denied everything. What an absolute C*NT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hardly expected him to admit everything but the thought of him denying what he did that night makes me shake with anger.
So now the investigation starts and it will take months.............

OP posts:
GarlicJulyKit · 08/07/2014 21:33

Yup, he's a cunt! In capitals!

Anger's healthy. Well done, you.

BeCool · 08/07/2014 21:55

Yes he's pond scum.

Original poster
JustDontWantToSay · 08/07/2014 22:06

He must have spent ages concocting some vile story. I am furious. But then, ultimately, he has to live with the knowledge that he knows what he's done and he's lying. That will sit with him forever. It would eat me up with guilt; I hope it does him too.

OP posts:
tribpot · 08/07/2014 22:18

The important thing is that the police took this seriously. They questioned him for hours, they didn't just bring him in to say 'did you do it? No, right off you go then' (as certainly would have been the case in days gone by).

Perhaps it will not be possible to prosecute because of a lack of evidence. But you have done the right thing. You have reported a crime and I would lay odds you are the first ever to do so to this bastard. Whatever happens, you know a crime was committed. He can never be innocent of that crime, not morally.

Hang on in there. And do ask for support from those around you. Don't soldier on and/or hope they'll realise you need help.

MrsNutella · 08/07/2014 22:50

just I've just stumbled across your thread. I want to say thank you.

Thank you for being so strong and courageous. It isn't easy, as other posters have said, to report someone you know, who you have possibly trusted and who has done something so vile which violated you and that trust.
Again, thank you. Your strength should inspire others not to be doormats. Not to let scum get away with things like this.

Make sure you use all the services offered to you. Your liaison officer will be able to offer you support and guide you to other agencies that can also offer you support. I hope you find someone in RL to help you and listen to you. Thanks

We're all here if you need a hand to hold. At the very least you've started a paper trail for this man scum and that he will never escape.

Do not underestimate the good you have done.

evelynj · 08/07/2014 23:08

Just-I've just read the thread & so sorry that this & all the other troubles you're going through have happened. It is making you stronger-it's evident each time you post.

Thank you for reporting also-as pp has said, the more of us that do, the less easy it is for this to happen.

You've done his family a favour too-they don't deserve to have someone like that in their lives,
Thinking of you.

ohfourfoxache · 08/07/2014 23:24

Oh my god what a low life Angry

Well, at least there is a plus point - if he was questioned for 5 hours then people will know that he's been accused of something. Better than him slinking around like Mr Nice Guy I guess......

Original poster
JustDontWantToSay · 09/07/2014 00:55

The feeling of violation is horrible. To know that he touched me in that way whilst I was asleep and refused to stop - just awful. Goodness only knows what he's made up to get out of this. I have a text from his wife though which indicates that he admitted it to her. I'm fairly certain that I told the police about that. In fact I know I did. She must have agreed to lie for him if he admitted it to her and then denied it to the police.

Thank you all for saying that I'm strong :) I don't feel it tbh!!! But I am so, so grateful to you all for advising and supporting and ranting along with me :) It's incredible how different I feel about it now - I can't imagine a time when I wasn't going to report the assault!!!!

OP posts:
captainmummy · 09/07/2014 08:47

OP - you are strong! Look what you've done - at the very least, that man will never do it again to you, and he would be terminally stupid to try it with another woman for fear that she would do exactly as she should, and report it. If he gets another report of sexual assault, he is unlikely to be able to lie his way out of it.

I hope his DW goes to the police too with what she knows - though I don't think a wife can testify for or against her husband? (Or is that just in films? Grin )

BeCool · 09/07/2014 10:10

A wife can testify against her H but a spouse cannot be compelled to testify against their spouse - so if he gets to her, she can't be forced to testify to his confession.

BeCool · 09/07/2014 10:11

JustDont you are brave and you are strong and you are also very inspiring.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 09/07/2014 10:15

You're doing so well OP, I really admire you.

Did you show the text to the police, as it counts as evidence.

Also if you could tell them exactly what the channel was he was watching, that would help. Be as accurate as you can be.