A horrible, horrible thing happened****warning, potential trigger****

[JustDontWantToSay]

I'm going to keep this as vague as possible because I don't want my friend to find out.
Last night I stayed with my friend and her husband - known them a long time, stayed many times before.
We went out for dinner, we'd all been drinking (not silly amounts) and then we sat down to watch a film. I fell asleep during the film and when I woke up my friend had gone to bed and her husband had changed the channel to soft core porn and had his fingers inside me. I immediately pushed him away but he was resistant and when I managed to scramble away he started a conversation about the porn! I was so utterly shocked that I just left the room immediately and went to bed.
I've now woken up, I'm still here, WWYD??

This is one of those threads which could be quoted in a future 'only on MN'.
In RL most people wouldn't consider going to the police. I don't know what I would do but I doubt very much I would call the police. Possibly I'd just sneak out like some have said or possibly I'd go down to breakfast and make the man feel as small and embarrassed as possible. Then just avoid being in the same situation ever again.

I know this won't be popular but this is real life for the OP and doing what is maybe morally right won't necessarily be what she feels is right for her and I think she needs support if doing nothing is her decision.

Really Greenshadow? I'd go to the cops in a shot.

I genuinely don't know kitty. So hard to really know until you're in the same situation.

So would I. This 'man' thinks he can do exactly as he pleases, because he expects OP to want to maintain her friendship with his wife. The friendship is already over or severely compromised because of his actions. Your last act of friendship is to alert her to the type of man she is married to.

I'd phone the police.

I disagree Greenshadow. I would most certainly go to the police. I'd have called them right then and there, after having it out (loudly) with my attacker. But then I'm bolshy like that. I accept that other people would react differently. When I am sexually harassed my response is to instantly confront and shame my attacker, but I was more reticent when I was younger. Age has given me more confidence in my own rights as a human being.

FFS, this whole culture of women not reporting sexual assault is appalling. We'd all report it to the police if were were robbed or our car bashed. Why this shame of reporting sexual assault. I'm not victim blaming here, given how these reports are often handled, and the victim blaming done by the police and society is certainly reason enough to make women hesitant to come forward. But it makes me so angry that we don't feel safe/confident in reporting sexual crimes as we would for any other crime.

mwahmumx - if someone stole all my patio furniture there would probably be no evidence of the crime either. Or if my bike was taken when I was in town shopping. But that certainly wouldn't stop me reporting it to the police. Since when is lack of evidence mean a crime shouldn't be reported.

Anyway, OP, sorry to hijack your thread with my ranting. I hope you're okay.

I would absolutely call the police. Its sad that so many women dont think its something that should involve the police. Would you advise your daughters to shut up and say nothing?

I agree Annie.
OP - I am so sorry this has happened to you. You have been assaulted.
Get angry & confront.
Do you feel up to asking the police for advice?

I am at some of the advice you are getting here. WTAF?

I hope you have found someone to talk to in RL.

Something very similar happened to me when I was younger & I dealt with it as you are now. Sneaked away & never confronted or dealt with it. It still affects me. One of my biggest regrets.

Don't let this scum get away with it.

Annie Exactly... Lack of evidence, which is not worth reporting!

Mwah this really isn't helpful.

The police may already have complaints about this man and be building a case. Sexual abusers sometimes trip themselves up in police interview due to arrogance and lack of understanding about consent.

It is better that there is at least a record of this mans behaviour, that he gets the message that people won't cover up for him.

If the OP wants to consider reporting she she be supported to do so.

Annie, that's not the same thing, your stuff will have been stolen, there might not be any evidence about who stole it, but not that no crime had been commited. The problem with most sexual assaults, is not that the other person denied the action happened, just that it wasn't criminal as there was consent. I don't think this is right, but sadly, that's why the conviction rates are so low, the police don't just have to prove someone commited the crime, they have to make the case there even was a crime.

OP - I would report, because he might have several other complaints against him, or you might be the first of many and the next woman will benefit from you having reported it. But also because you make it real then and more people know. Right now, it's a secret you and he share.

Ok Mwah - so you'd let him get away with it, would you?

Not true, Mary. How would I prove I'd had a bike in the first place?

It makes me very sad that some people think sexual assaults aren't worth reporting just because you might not be able to prove it. If no-one ever reported a repeat sexual predator then he could assault endless numbers of women with absolutely no consequence.

However, if 20 women, none of whom could prove a thing, all reported the same man, then of course the police would have to take them seriously.

Exactly... Lack of evidence, which is not worth reporting!

Why should she worry about lack of evidence when she has been violated in one of the worse possible ways, by someone she trusted enough to fall asleep in his home? How many other times has she fallen asleep & had him abuse her? Does he abuse his wife in the same way? Any more of his wives friends he has violated & who haven't reported it due to lack of evidence?

This guy assaulted her while she slept, with his wife just feet away. I would be VERY surprised if this was a one off! You need balls to be confident enough that you will 1] get away with it & 2] not be caught.

It would really surprise me if this was his first time doing this too, not necessarily to the op, but to his wives friends.

Crimes with lack of evidence are worth reporting.

What if this guy has form & from op's description of the attack, they can identify a serial abuser? Long shot, I know.

There might be lack of evidence if he hit his wife, but she could still report it so the police had a record of his attacks if ever they were needed. Again, nothing to suggest he beats his wife, but it is possible.

Not only that, but the op has been assaulted. If she didn't know this guy & it was a random someone who did it while she was on public transport, would you say then same thing?

I think op should report it because she doesn't know if she is the first, she probably won't be the last.

I agree also with those who say report it.

You have been sexually assaulted by this man. I'd be inclined to minimise it too - I think it is a natural response. But I think the friendship is over whatever you do.

Hope you are home safe now. Is there anyone in RL you can talk to?

What a total creep....have you known this friend many years?

Oh Mwah. Maybe the OP hasn't read the "shut up and put up guide to sexual assault" and actually wanted some help and support.

I hope that if you are ever unfortunate enough to be sexually assaulted someone believes you.

mwah what a cuntish post. Seriously.

"I wouldn't get myself into a position where a guy would do that to me." mwah did you actually just fucking write that?

Surely he would have OP's DNA under his nails or on his skin?

Do you have someone to be with you just now, OP?

Some posters on this thread should be thouroughly ashamed of themselves for what they have written.

Mwah I know this is bad form, but frankly I don't care.

You have recently posted on MN that you were disgusted by posters who attacked ops who were seeking nothing but help and support. On this point I quite agree with you - MN should be a safe and supportive place and, for the most part, it is.

However, you have displayed a blatant disregard for your own values by persistently contributing nasty posts. I feel that not only are you genuinely hypocritical, but that you should actually take a long hard look at what you say to others.

I pray that you are actually a poster of the hairy handed variety, as it sickens me to imagine that your posts are genuine.

It's really no wonder that so many assaults go unreported