I stayed with my DH after his long term affair.

[Fochit]

AMA.

Hoping this may help others 😊

Do you check his phone and/or have you had any suspicions since? If you hadn’t found out when you did, do you think they’d still be having an affair now?

I haven’t had any valid reason to be suspicious since but obviously it takes time for the paranoias to subside. I did initially check his phone, with his blessing, but it’s been a long time since I’ve felt the need.

I suspect the affair would have fizzled out but it may have continued, or he may have left me eventually. I had the facts and they were all consuming, devoting my thoughts and emotions to hypothetical situations would have been pointless and self destructive.

How long did it take for the whole story to come out? Did you feel like you needed to know details of what happened and when? Did you feel a new shock to the system when you uncovered a new piece of the story, perhaps something he had lied about or covered up? or were you able to say: 'the details don't matter, as I have taken on board the reality of what has happened, and now I just want to move forward with my own life'?

It took some time for various reasons (him and me) and each time it caused new pain, for both of us really.

I became overly obsessed with knowing details at times but eventually realised that enough was enough and yes, reached the point you have described Purrbox

I had to accept I will never truly know because I wasn’t there and no amount of questioning will change that. It’s like a film I have never seen or a book I have never read.

Thank you for everything you have said.

That’s ok Purrbox

I’ve answered honestly but probably not fully as it’s all so complicated isn’t it? Please do ask if there’s anything you would like me to elaborate on.

I hope you manage to work your way through and decide what’s best for you 💐

Upthread you said OW didn't have DC during the affair, but she has now.
Are you sure those dates don't overlap your DH at all?

Absolutely, the baby is young so it was a few years after

I do understand why some women would stay with their DH. My counsellor asked me if I would stay with my DH if he was having an affair and I am adamant that I would not. She told me that it can be the making of some marriages. However, my reasons would be that I am in counselling because of all his other crap behaviour, not an affair and that this would be the final straw for me.

My DH knows this and so if he has had an affair there is no way he is ever going to admit it if he doesn't have something better to go to.

I stayed. Almost 15 years down the line now post finding out. I understand what you mean when you say you wouldn't trust a man ever again. It really opened my eyes to what staggeringly good liars they are capable of being. I have a good life. I have my children. I will be ok financially etc. But I will never, ever get back that innocent feeling of utterly loving him down to my core. He also destroyed my trust in him, and men, forever, and I would never date again. I don't actually regret staying either, but it sure was a very long, hard lesson to have to ride out.

Sorry Justdoit I only just spotted this.

Yes, that innocent feeling has gone and I’m more cynical. Not sure if that’s just because I’m getting older though.

I'm sorry YouJustDoYou and Op, I just dont understand what you gained by staying. He also destroyed my trust in him, and men, forever, and I would never date again

Most men by a long shot don't cheat contrary to what the MN Borg mindset think your DH has destroyed your happiness and you have destroyed you chance of future happiness (that total feeling of utterly loving someone and them utterly loving you back), for what? a few trinkets

DrMorbius
I’m not sure whether you’re just giving an opinion or if you have a genuine question, but I will try to answer.

Firstly, I wouldn’t stay if I wasn’t happy with him or myself. A few trinkets? (I can see that you know despite the crossing out) I have no interest in ‘trinkets’ and would say that’s something OW are usually more interested in, to validate their feeling of worth possibly? I don’t know. Yes, many men don’t cheat, my DH didn’t for almost 20 years.

I agree I would never date again but not sure that’s linked to trust as I wouldn’t be interested in another serious relationship.

Well done you ! You are inspirational in my view . You changed the marriage to suit you and you are doing things your way ! Bloody top effort and well done !
Ask you anything - ok here's my Q.
If you could write a book about this, what would you call it?

Thanks itsUnderMyPillow and a very interesting question! I’ve just given it some thought and it depends on whether it was my life story, or specifically the affair.

The Defining Chapter
Cars
An Incomplete Picture
It was never about me

did your Finances play a part in your decision to stay could you have been financially independent enough to be able to leave?

Finances didn’t play a part, although most couples are wealthier together!

We have no mortgage, no debt and significant savings. I could have bought a smaller place outright, I work and would have been entitled to a lump sum/share of his pension etc.
Money was never an incentive to stay.

This is a really interesting thread. Throughout previous relationships I would have always jumped, immediately upon discovering cheating. But now married with a child, I don't know if that would be my automatic response anymore.

I think it would depend on a variety of factors. Ultimately I think the lack of trust, or the fact that something previously so perfect would have been "broken" might be too hard to get past. I really don't know.

I hope it works for you, as it seems to be doing currently. I also hope that is it ceases to work for you, you are able to walk away and continue on a different path.

It's an interesting choice. I could have stayed. I chose to open up my marriage and my now ex couldn't cope with the jealousy.

I wonder if you think women are often tougher and more pragmatic than men? It is my experience of my relationship.

I would be fully prepared to walk away if ever it’s not working for me.

Yes, I’m pragmatic.

Do you never think that you could have found happiness with someone else who wouldn’t cheat? Not a judgement just wondering! There are so many men who wouldn’t cheat. Did you only stay because you love him? Do you not think you could love someone else?

OhCaptain
I stayed because I love him and he loves me. He makes me laugh every day. I probably could have found happiness with someone else but someone who wouldn’t cheat Well, he didn’t cheat for almost 20 years. Non of us truly know or can guarantee what’s going to happen in 20 years.

That’s why it was so important to find out the reasons why he had an affair. These are reasons, not excuses. We had counselling and talked loads and loads, and then a load more. We still do. I didn’t just agree to stay immediately, I just decided not to leave whilst we tried to find out why. It was crucial to do this for both of us, whether we stayed together or not.

Why did he have an affair? Was he bored or just attracted to her? Can he give an exact reason?

Ah, so it's not that you accept he will likely cheat again and are ok with that, it's that you hope he won't cheat again?

Fochit I could have written your posts. DH had an affair, although not physical, and we are now closer. I didn't tell many people as I expected to be told to LTB but I did still love him so much. I often said to him that it would be easier if I didn't love him. He is remorseful everyday and it does feel like the balance of power has shifted a little too.

I always was of the camp that his clothes would be in shreds in a bin bag on the front door step but until you're plunged into the dreadful moment when you find out you just can't say for certain what you will do.

I'm glad you're happy. X