I reported my post as you have answered those questions, so hopefully it will be deleted soon.
I love your wisdom. It has been done and cannot be undone. That is the most painful thing about intimate betrayal. It doesn't go away it can only fade. So how to deal most constructively with the pain is the key to moving forward.
I think the three defining things you mention which keep you married that are the most important things are:
- he stayed kind to you and you were his priority
- he went into counselling and worked hard at it.
- The affair only happened far away on trips abroad, infrequently. So it literally was 'completely separate' and CLEARLY nothing to do with you. He kind of used her, a little bit.
These three things are key. My husband DID try and tell me [the first two] things but I was too distraught to hang on to them.
He said he never intended to leave me, and that it was about how she made him feel. That it could have been anyone, 'she' was not important. He did tell me that.
He also told a friend that he gave up trying to save the marriage because I was never going to forgive him.
So huge respect @Fochit for your inner strength. I think you are very wise to rebuild your relationship with more focus on you, and giving up the socialisation that his needs come first. I am fairly sure he loves you more now than ever, because he sees this strength and respects it deeply.
But unfortunately for me he was not kind during the affair he was downright cruel and let me know in no uncertain terms that I was rejected. He was faithful to her, and he committed unforgivable acts like bringing her into our house and choosing to be with her over me. He fell into infatuation and forgot about his wife and family in this period of addiction.
Those things just couldn't be got over because he does not have the EQ to deal with them. But I still love him, that is the hard bit. All I can do is continue to care for him, which is rather futile! But I have given up fighting this, and accept 'its just the way it is'.